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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
Pavlov · 01/05/2010 13:34

whatever floats your boat i guess. to me, getting engaged is about showing the world our intentions of sealing our love for each other in matrimony in the near future. Not about the size/cost of a rock. But, for many people its about status, so people can go 'oooooh'.

Pavlov · 01/05/2010 13:35

oh and dh proposed without a ring and we went to pick it together. Thus i know i love it, and so does he.

Sassybeast · 01/05/2010 13:35

You are sort of being a BU and a bit not If you both have lots of disposable cash and enjoy spending it, then YANBU to think that an engagement ring should have the same priority as a flash car or designer gear. As long as you're not getting engaged JUST to have a posh ring

saslou · 01/05/2010 13:36

YANBU - a car/mob phone has a limited lifespan, but you will (hopefully) be wearing your engagement ring forever, so imo it is worth spending what you can on it. I don't think you should be overly preoccupied by price alone though - you may well fall in love with something which costs less than you planned to spend. I think you should have something you feel is beautiful and want to wear. Just a thought, but if a man is happy to spend lots of money on himself, but not so happy to spend it on you then it is good to discover that before you get married

kickassangel · 01/05/2010 13:37

i don't think how much he spends on the ring matters as much as his attitude towards money & sharing in general.

if usually he shares all income & you both contribute fairly, don't bother getting wound up about this. if, however, this is a part of a wider problem where all his money is 'his', then have a good think about how he views the relationship.

and YABU to think it's all about him giving to you - would you buy him something to show your love for him that cost the same?

The whole engagement ring idea is quite misogynistic - it's 'branding' you to show that yo'e taken & off the market. having said that, I liked getting a ring & looking at how twinkly & pretty it was (shallow, me?)

posieparker · 01/05/2010 13:40

My DH bought me a less than adequate engagement ring....he was earning around £80k at the time and my ring cost £500.....can talk about money because we're in a different boat now!!

Anyway he also bought himself a ps2, some churches shoes and a designer suit on the same shopping trip.....

So when we were in HK a few years ago I upgraded and got a large pink and small diamond ring, it's very unusual and I love it.

YANBU

sungirltan · 01/05/2010 13:40

yanbu. i was shocked about how much dh was happy to spend on mine (alot!) but i'd have been irked if he wanted to go under £500. no, i'm lying, £1k. but he earned plenty

mayorquimby · 01/05/2010 13:41

how much are you spending on him? a months salary or less?

posieparker · 01/05/2010 13:41

(but the ring whilst I love it holds no sentimental value, but then I doubt that i love my DH.....bad bad times.)

AnAngelWithin · 01/05/2010 13:42

I was 17 when I got engaged to DH. Didn't expect anything as we were so young, but DH went out and lovingly chose a ring FOR ME! Dragged his best mate from college out with him and walked round town the whole day! I don't know what it cost, it wouldn't have been much though. And wouldn't have cared if it only cost £1 though. He put in the effort to choose it for me. And the picture on his face when he was bumbling round trying to propose with it was something I will never foget bless his heart!!

Now we have been married nearly 12 years, and we have moved on with life, he buys me more expensive jewellery, but i STILL love my engagement as I know how much effort he put into finding it for me, some feat for an 18 year old lad!!

troublewithtalk · 01/05/2010 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrivetDancer · 01/05/2010 13:49

It's not always one sided either, a friend of mine got a rolex from his wife as a wedding present to say thank you for the ring. I do not know how much that ring must have cost!

Northernlurker · 01/05/2010 13:51

Doesn't matter how flash your ring is, if your marriage is without any foundations of rock you can have the flashiest ring in the world and it will still all slip through your fingers.

Making a fuss about how much your ring cost is hugely unbecoming behaviour and bodes no good at all for your marriage.

EveWasFramed · 01/05/2010 13:51

Don't be so shallow...the engagment ring is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I have a beautiful engagement ring that I love, and what I love about it is the spirit in which it was given, and the memory I will always have of my sweet DH, nervously asking me to marry him. The cost/flash doesn't matter.

fernie3 · 01/05/2010 13:52

well yanbu to want a nice one but it doesnt really mean anything in the long run. Plus mine was stolen when I was in hospital so Im glad it wasnt reallt pricey!.
I am wearing my mums now which was just a cheap one as well

sarah293 · 01/05/2010 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

posieparker · 01/05/2010 13:54

But if the Op's dp loves to spend money it would seem odd if he didn't want to spend loads on the ring, selfish in fact. What's wrong with wanting a lovely ring? maybe the only jewellery OP ever has.

feelrubbish · 01/05/2010 13:56

Totally agree that the money shouldn't matter -I am not a materialistic person, so didn't mind at all when my now exDH bought an engagement which cost about 1/4 of his months salary. It was a lovely ring and I liked it but he then insisted that it was only fair that he got a gift as well. He wanted a watch. We only watch he wanted was more than the engagement present.
He continued to think only of himself and has nothing but the best for himself e.g gadget, cars.

He had thought that any more would have ben ridiculous because it was only a ring but easily spent the same amount on similar frivious for himself as it was important to him therefore not a waste of money.

Not sure I am being clear - but I can see the OP's viewpoint , she feels possibilt that she as a person is of less priority than other hobbies etc of his - I think that you sent warning signal unless you feel comletely valued in other ways.

Northernlurker · 01/05/2010 13:56

Lovely ring doesn't have to mean thousands of pounds spent!

AitchTwoZone · 01/05/2010 13:57

now why would it be the only jewellery she ever has? lol, that seems unlikely.

aside from that, it's fair enough for her to be concerned if her dp is frittering money on drum kits but doesn't in any way prioritise her feelings, i think. god knows it's a conversation worth having before getting married.

JaneS · 01/05/2010 13:59

What are you getting for him? If you want a ring that costs a month's salary and is a big symbol, buy it for him.

posieparker · 01/05/2010 14:03

This is MN proper crazy....

Aitch....I have an engagement and wedding ring, love jewellery but only have a couple of Diana Porter and one Links necklace, oh and a links bracelet but NOTHING really precious. But then I don;t have a happy marriage so maybe it's more important.

nickelbabe · 01/05/2010 14:05

i haven't got an engagement ring.

for my first engagement, I had a ring that cost £60. it was beautiful and i loved it.
unfortunately, the relationship didn't work (funnily enough, the man was too obsessed with money...)

my current fiance didn't buy me a ring. we planned for me to have a ring, but I insisted that it shouldn't cost more than £100 because that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a piece of jewellery! . in the end, I just wanted to be engaged to him, and to get married, so i decided i didn't want a ring. He was happyto go along with it once i explained we're better saving for the wedding. and it means that i get more freedom as to what my wedding ring can be. if we can afford a bit more, then that'll be the time.

see, this time it's about love, wanting to be together for ever, and jewellery just doesn't say that (it does say "in the event of a divorce you can sell me...")

AitchTwoZone · 01/05/2010 14:05

i don't understand, posie, sorry.

posieparker · 01/05/2010 14:05

Sorry really precious from my DH except the two rings I insisted on. My DH has a wedding ring, Omega watches, extortionate running shoes, gym equipment etc etc. I am a woman and I like jewellery, not everything between the sexes has to be the same, my hair costs more than my Dh's but then it should.,