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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that the whole playground mums camp is getting me down?

212 replies

RedRedWine1980 · 29/04/2010 14:41

Because I dont take DD to school that often due to having to work it just makes me feel like a fish out of water when I do go, some are making trips to the shops in their little gangs after, some coffee morning, some going to each others houses and its all they talk about. Regardless of the children their kids like to play with, they must play with the kids of the mums they like and thats it.
Since DD started she has had one friend over and has been to her house in return however ive asked some of the mums of children my DD likes and plays with at school about them coming over after school one day but nobody takes us up.

OP posts:
foureleven · 29/04/2010 14:53

Oh I am in this situation. My daughter always makes a huge deal of it when I drop her off and is sooo excited she wants me to see all the other mums. It is heart breaking actually, the one and only time I feel guilty or wrong for being a working mum.

Its probably because when they pick them up at 3, in the summer at least, they probably socialise.

Does your childminder socialise your daughter with any of the mums&kids? Or any other childminders?

pagwatch · 29/04/2010 15:00

It is pretty unlikely that you have happened to join a class where every single mum is unpleasant.
So yu need to be much more rational about what is happening.

Most people go where they feel welcome and cling to people that make them feel included. Huddled mums in the playground are a blend of sociability and insecurity.

Don't waft about suggestingtea. everyone will say yes but no one is going to phone you and say 'you know when you mentioned tea-when cxan she come over'

You need to find out who your DD would like to have over and plan a date. Phone the mum, tell them what you plan and ask if their child would be interested and what date would suit.

I have been really busy and haven't had many children to tea . I decided to chjange that, got some numbers, phoned some mums up and now I have three tea dates and have suggested AND BOOKED coffee with some of them.

You can't stand there throwing out would she like tea... You have to book it.

If children come for tea then ask mum to stay for a cup of coffee and use the oppertunity to getto know them and see if they are interested in meeting up.

Standing on the sideline and talking disparigingly about them and their "little gangs" isn't goingto help. Half ofthem will be feeling just as worried about trying to make friends as you

yellowbrickroad · 29/04/2010 15:02

Well I'm a WAHM and I don't have time to stand and chat at the school gates after I drop my DS off - but tbh I don't think I'm missing much. I remember those awful cliquey groups when I was at school and, sadly, our school playground seems to resemble that.
I didn't fit in then and I won't fit in now - the only difference is now I get to walk away.

hmc · 29/04/2010 15:03

They are not 'little gangs' who malevolently seek to socially exclude others, it is perfectly natural that people who see each other at the school gates on a daily basis build up a rapport and develop friendships, and gravitate to each other. You just need be philosophical about this....and try being more explicit about pinning down dates for other children to come and play.

Also, what year is your dd in? I have noticed that in the past year or so (dd is in year 3) playing at each others houses after school is much less frequent than it used to be; largely because as the children get older, there is a plethora of after school activities that children are engaged in (swimming lessons, brownies and the like). My dd plays around another child's house as infrequently as once or twice a term - and that appears to be the norm. She sees most of her friends at Brownies etc and running club and so on - so there is not the need, the time or the inclination (and I'm friendly with her friends' mothers)

Hullygully · 29/04/2010 15:04

What pag said

yellowbrickroad · 29/04/2010 15:05

Pag - you make some good points. You just made me re-read my post and recognise there may be a bit of frustration in there somewhere....

pagwatch · 29/04/2010 15:11

Well thank you .

All those years of insecure loserdom have stood me in good stead and taught me a thing or two.

I still cry in the corner at parties though

jenduff · 29/04/2010 15:15

Pag is right - what can be seen as cliquey groups is just people who have known each other for a while and so chat to one another.

I knew no-one when DC1 started school so I had to push myself forward. 5 years later when DC2 started I have a wide group of friends that I chat to because I made the effort.

That said, I do make a point of saying hello to everyone and inviting random people to coffee when we go as a group.

giveitago · 29/04/2010 15:15

What yellowbrick said.

rocknstroll · 29/04/2010 15:25

o god i so hear you OP!
our school is full of these coffee morning types and the working mum's kids don't get a look in unless you make gargantuan efforts to network etc. that is what i have done - it seriously pisses me off.
i'd love to be a coffee morning mum.
well i would now, but i bet if i was, i'd long for my job.
but anyway, i totally feel for you and recognise your feelings

gossipgirl · 29/04/2010 15:32

You could call me one of those coffee morning mums. I only do it to entertain my younger children with playdates and to give me the adult company I crave during the day. I have had to really push myself though, its very daunting. It is very cliquey (sp?!) at our school and I make a point of inviting others along who wouldn't normally come, through their shyness.

I look at the working mums and feel rather jealous of their glamorous, independent lives!!! The grass is always greener on the other side eh?!

Jajas · 29/04/2010 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foureleven · 29/04/2010 15:46

How do I get the mums numbers? Im a super confident person but I wouldnt be able to walk into a group of huddled women I didnt know and say can I have your number... and cause im hardly ever there I wouldnt even know which mum belonged to which kid..

Its no ones fault, just the way it is I guess.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/04/2010 16:01

I have to say, I agree with what pag said.

Also, hmc is right. As they get older, "playdates" (annoying term) get less common

I also agree with gossipgirl foureleven - ask your DD who she'd like to have round, ask who the friend's mum is, then approach that mum. Tell her your DD has asked to have her DC round to play, so could you arrange a time - then, when she drops off/picks her up, offer her a cuppa.

Hullygully · 29/04/2010 16:02
Hullygully · 29/04/2010 16:03
Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/04/2010 16:04

Don't do that, hully, they'll think we're a clique

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/04/2010 16:04

X post

Hullygully · 29/04/2010 16:05
pagwatch · 29/04/2010 16:05

It depends on your class .
My DDs class organises a contact list so we have all the phone numbers for emergencys (or tea dates).
But if we didn't have that I would put a note in DDs contact book for the childs mother.

Or I would talk to DD in the morning , ask her who she wanted tea with and then get her to show me that child at home time so I could see who she goes over too and say
"hi,Im Pag and my DD wants tea with small child here, are you her mum? Would that be possible to sort out?"

Also I simply don't believe that all the mums stand in one big group. It would be too big and would look stupid. I would look for the ones around the outside on their own or in pairs and approach with a manner of helpless enquiry - my DD is in x class I am not always here and I was hopingto met some ofthe parents of her classmates just to say hello...

I am not super confident and I can manage any of those

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/04/2010 16:06

Anyone fancy a cuppa?

I'd invite your DCs round to meet mine, but frankly mine are frightful

pagwatch · 29/04/2010 16:10

I keep inviting people to mine butthey seldom come

Hullygully · 29/04/2010 16:11

It's cos everything is covered in spunk, Pag

pagwatch · 29/04/2010 16:11

Actually I get my driver to drop me at school, I collect DD, am nice to everyone, then I get in the car and talk about them being big fat bigots.

It works for me

Thank God I never have a mic....

Hullygully · 29/04/2010 16:12