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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that the whole playground mums camp is getting me down?

212 replies

RedRedWine1980 · 29/04/2010 14:41

Because I dont take DD to school that often due to having to work it just makes me feel like a fish out of water when I do go, some are making trips to the shops in their little gangs after, some coffee morning, some going to each others houses and its all they talk about. Regardless of the children their kids like to play with, they must play with the kids of the mums they like and thats it.
Since DD started she has had one friend over and has been to her house in return however ive asked some of the mums of children my DD likes and plays with at school about them coming over after school one day but nobody takes us up.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 29/04/2010 16:13

actually......

Hullygully · 29/04/2010 16:15

[

porcamiseria · 29/04/2010 16:22

god is this what I have to look forward to, no wonder I got a bit emotional when we chose a pre-school today ....

In all seriousness, they cant all be bitches? Find out who she likes and take from there, they are all quivering wrecks underneath too

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/04/2010 16:27

Yes - I was worried too, but now I think I'm One Of Them (playground mum, not bitch). We are all just muddling through, and the longer you know some of those mums the more you realise it.

Oldsilver · 29/04/2010 16:38

Theres a mum at nursery who sits in her car with ds until we've all gone in, then rushes in at the last minute, full of self importance brushing carers/children, coats and backpacks aside to get her ds in first No, she REALLY isn't shy from what she has said she wants nothing to do with any of us at all! Then wondered why no-one wanted to go to ds party... Its them I feel sorry for!

Original poster
RedRedWine1980 · 29/04/2010 16:40

Did I say they were bitches? Or even horrible?
I just said they all have their friendship groups established and its very hard to try and slot in to them.

OP posts:
Cretaceous · 29/04/2010 16:45

I think often you assume they're in friendship groups.

I've often assumed people must be friendly outside the school gates, because they're always together at pickup time. But it's been the only time they ever meet.

Bathsheba · 29/04/2010 16:51

I absolutely agree with Pag....

I've been reading on forums for years about these evil cliques of school mums who purposefully exclude the poor others in the class and its so not my experience..

I'm shy. I've had to jolly well use loads of strength to go up to people, start by making eye contact and smiling...its not been easy for me but I had to do itfor the sake of my children..

porcamiseria · 29/04/2010 16:56

why are you getting all touchy? I just read "cliquey" as bitchy, my interpreation only!

sigh...why bother

activate · 29/04/2010 16:59

I only speak to people I already know at the school gates becausee I don't have any time in my life to make any more friends and I am not about to start social chat with people I don't have time to get to know

and yes probably I'm missing out on some lovely people but I'm old and jaded and it's what you do with your first kid nto your fourth

thirdname · 29/04/2010 17:08

hm, well, i have often tried unsuccessfully, not that I care but dc can get upset. In particular 1 friend of dc did ask to come to ds and vice versa. The parents always came with an excuse, after a whole year both children gave up asking.

Original poster
RedRedWine1980 · 29/04/2010 17:13

LOL im not getting touchy- just dont appreciate people putting words into my mouth!

OP posts:
PlumSykes · 29/04/2010 17:23

I am a 'coffee morning type'.

Largely because when DD started school in Sept, I knew no-one, and I didn't want that to be the case.

So I smiled at everyone, said hello/good morning and talked (only a bit, and not great with that kind of thing)to the people who were on their own.

I also took DD to all the parties in the 1st term, and talked to people there-people are in less of a rush, so even the working parents have time to chat.

1st party, I chatted to one mum. 2nd party, I chatted to 2 together. Then one day the next week, I asked the mum from the 1st party if she fancied a 'playdate' on a Wednesday, and she did.

We've now started meeting regularly for coffee on a Thurs, have had playdates etc, and I have a new group of friends as does DD.

If you want to make friends with these women-is that what you want?-you are going to have to make the first move. You say you aren't there enough to know who belongs to who, but it goes both ways. Their DCs may be dying to have your DD round to play, but their parents may not know who her mum is.

And to be honest, if I'm going to invite someone and their child to my home for 2+ hours , I'd like to have at least said 'hello, how's it going, have you started the 'Taj Mahal out of Marshmallows' project yet?' to them, so I can know whether we will get on reasonably well or not.

Does that make sense?

darkandstormy · 29/04/2010 17:37

I am polite to others at the school, but avoid getting "involved" in the social scene like the plague.My dd has friends over a lot but that is because they are her friends.I prefer to keep my friendships as being detached from the dc and the playground mufia[as I think it was once referred to]

foureleven · 29/04/2010 21:41

Jamieandhismagictorch - heehee thanks for the tip, im not bothered about inviting people in for coffee, i know how to make friends! I read the OP as being about the child missing out because mums not in the mum clique. And its more often the kids of those who are friends with the other school mums that get invited round for tea etc more often. That is my experience.

Also haha to even having time to take numbers and make friends in the playground! If I ever do get to drop my daughter off... about once a month, I have to hare out of their like a bat out of hell before either my desk items find themselves in a cardboard box outside the front door of my office or some childless male steals all my clients

foureleven · 29/04/2010 21:45

p.s I did do the 'coffee morning' at christmas as I dropped dd off at school and then had 2 hours to kill before xmas play. Tagged along with coffee mums and I felt... very very odd indeed!

MuthaHubbard · 29/04/2010 21:59

i really don't quite understand this. you don't actually have to socialise with these mums - you are thrown together due to circumstances and not choice. your dc will pick and choose who they want to be friends with and who they want to come to tea/go round to their house surely? it's not really your choice at all is it?

my daughter will come out and ask if chloe/molly/lauren can come to tea or vice versa.....then i will speak to their mum and make arrangements there and then or for another day.

i drop my daughter off at the school gate and then stand in the playground for 5/10 mins prior to her coming out - i'm waiting for her, not there to make friends really.....was the same 7 yrs ago with my son. yes i say hi to a few mums but have never socialised with any of them

never bothered me at all

Tocca · 29/04/2010 22:02

Good advice from pag.

pagwatch · 29/04/2010 22:03

How very odd
I am happy to meet any of the parents of my DDs friends.
When I was working I was the same. Time may have been an issue but people were usually very nice.

I wonder if sometimes get mirrored back the attitude of disinterest they project.

Original poster
RedRedWine1980 · 29/04/2010 22:08

Theres no disinterest (if that was aimed at me) at all Pag, ive suggested their children coming to mine, meeting somewhere etc and they've all said 'yes I will let you know' and never got back to me. Ive even given some my number to arrange things in the holidays and things so its not as if im not interested at all!

OP posts:
bobdog · 29/04/2010 22:12

Super shy mum in our year had the bright idea of setting up afterschool at the local playground every wed when the weather was good. No one is excluded, bring snacks, stay for 5 mins or 50. No ones house gets trashed, no limit on group size, does n't matter whether you can't make it at the last minute.

Works really well and might suit those who don't want to find new 'best friends' but don't want to feel totally excluded from your childs schoolfriends.

Original poster
RedRedWine1980 · 29/04/2010 22:16

Thats a great idea bobdog- may have to try that one x

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 29/04/2010 22:59

That is a good idea. I'm shy meeting other mothers too, mostly because they seem so much more together than I am. I just try to be nice and friendly and it usually works out.

I agree that you have to be direct, just say "We'll be home on Wednesday and Thursday next week, and DD would love it if your DD came over to play. Does either day work for you?"

[waves to pag & jamie, tosses a s'more in hully's general direction]

bobdog · 29/04/2010 23:19

Also means that there's no pressure on return hospitality etc.
If you feel excluded imagine how 'our' lone father feels . Poor guy.

I think that we all quickly recognised that this was a great solution for me/ you/sahms/grandparent pickups/childminders/ and most importantly the kids love it.

Heracles · 30/04/2010 00:10

Perhaps you could ask them not to talk to each other on the days you can't take your kid in?