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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that the whole playground mums camp is getting me down?

212 replies

RedRedWine1980 · 29/04/2010 14:41

Because I dont take DD to school that often due to having to work it just makes me feel like a fish out of water when I do go, some are making trips to the shops in their little gangs after, some coffee morning, some going to each others houses and its all they talk about. Regardless of the children their kids like to play with, they must play with the kids of the mums they like and thats it.
Since DD started she has had one friend over and has been to her house in return however ive asked some of the mums of children my DD likes and plays with at school about them coming over after school one day but nobody takes us up.

OP posts:
Cretaceous · 30/04/2010 10:48

two2many - I had a similar experience when my DS was at nursery. She cancelled a coffee morning, never spoke to me again, and I assumed it was me.

I heard on the grapevine a long time later that her husband had suddenly left her. I realised then that the reason she'd cancelled was nothing to do with me at all. So don't feel bad. It was probably nothing to do with you either!

iamreallysilly · 30/04/2010 10:58

Would like to say that in my experience as a overprotective mum, i would always want to get to know mums/dads/carers of kids my DS is being invited round to play with just a little bit. Not trying to be funny, but they might be nutters! Thats why if some random person i rarely see asks for my DS to come & play, then i'll want to get to know them a wee bit first.
Another idea, if you always pick up your kids by car and lots of others walk then if poss & if you have time, park the car near shop/town or village centre & walk a bit of the way (to your car). If your kids are then walking along with others, that would help get to know people

two2many · 30/04/2010 10:59

thanks cretaceous - i do know she suffers from anxiety , i would love to have the courage to just walk up & say hi to her but i dont want to make her uncomfortable or myself to look foolish as these days we only smile & say hello to each other as we are passing by iykwim. . At least now dd is 9yrs now & makes her own way down to the school car park . Dreading Sept though when ds starts school .

choosyfloosy · 30/04/2010 11:04

RedRed, i'll suggest a few things -
join the pTa/friends of the school; evening meetings and you will instantly know quite a lot of people. Tis potentially a pain in the arse but there you go.

join the governing body. again evening meetings. lots of work. very, very interesting and again you will get to know more people.

pick one parent of someone your dd likes - consider making it someone whose dad picks them up as IMO dads are frequently not in the cliques either. Write a note to 'parent(s) of X' and put it in the appropriate book tray saying that your dd would really like to play with Y one day, and how would Wednesday 18th suit, (either or both of) you would be very welcome to come too for a cup of tea, please ring me on [xxx] if you'd like to do this'. That way you have made a specific arrangement, given warning but have also left the ball in their court.

if you try that a couple of times and get no response, then i really think you will have to look at the PTA or something. Best of luck.

GibbonInARibbon · 30/04/2010 11:22

Aww, I am sorry you feel sick. Hope it passes soon.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/04/2010 11:51

two2many - my sympathies. It's is hard when you've put yourself out there and it hasn't worked. it sounds like she might be open to another approach though. FWIW, I think there are genuine unfriendly cliques, but I also think some of us can be paranoid (me included).

choosyfloosy's advice is good.

Cretaceous · 30/04/2010 11:52

two2many - think of something to chat to her about, then casually talk to her at pickup. Why would you look foolish?

If she suffers from anxiety, she might be thinking that you are avoiding her because you don't like her, rather than vice versa! Then if she's unfriendly, you know it's her not you!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/04/2010 11:54

Someone once told me "Don't compare your insides to everyone else's outsides". I am aware I'm on a bit of a roll with the trite homilies today, but this stands me in good stead when I feel vulnerable.

foureleven · 30/04/2010 11:55

Id love to join the PTA, meetings start at 5pm - HA!

Def good advice though for redwine if the school does later ones. My friend is on her school pta and the meetings start at 7pm. Shes secured lots of 'playdates' for her son through meeting the parents this way.

Maybe it is that if the mums dont know you from chatting in the playground, they are cautious about sending hteir kids round to play at your house.. .could be why myself and redwine (and my friend before she started PTA) have experienced this.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/04/2010 11:56

foureleven yes, I'm sure that has something to do with it - but only when the DCs are younger. As they get older, you don't care so much, I find !

porcamiseria · 30/04/2010 12:24

thanks for your sincere concern Gibbon, most appreciated

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/04/2010 12:48

porcamiseria - there is nothing wrong with saying hello to someone you are friendly with, IMO. No-one has left anyone else out.

hmc · 30/04/2010 12:49

How silly you seem porcamiseria

Hullygully · 30/04/2010 12:50
Chandon · 30/04/2010 13:16

I think playdates are the work of the devil, and I only do them for the sake of my DSs. Have any of you ever hosted a playdate for 4 boisterous 6 year old boys on a rainy day ?

I allow my DC one a week max...always need a drink afterwards.

Anyway, back to practical advice. I did not know anyone when I came here, am foreign too, and fortunately not shy. So I volunteered to be class rep., asked a nice looking mum who seemed interested too to share this role with me. Then I came up with the idea of a class list (phone numbers).

Then I joined the PTA, and offered to run the cake stall. That one made me very popular! We have our meetings in the evening, so working mums can join too.

Whenever the weather is nice, I will tell whoever is standing next to me: I am going to the park, fancy joining us?

I talk to allmost all the mothers, also the shy ones who don´t socialise much, if they don´t appreciate it I back off. Also got my fingers burnt with one mum, who kept on dropping her DC with me and disappearing for hours (one playdate didn´t "end" until 20:00!). You win some, you lose some, can´t be friends with everyone.

I am The Queen of the Playground now, haha.

Wish I had a proper job though!!!!

pagwatch · 30/04/2010 13:18

Actually I am wondering if Porca has struck upon a quite genuis method by which to illustrate the whole plyaground issue.

A few people independently came to the thread, greeted each other and were friendly. None wished to exclude anyone else, indeed would have been delighted for any goodnatured ( or vomit inducing depending on your view) joshing or joining in.
All spoke to the OPs issue, responded to 'others' on the thread and offered advice, support empathy, suggestions.

To one poster however this behaviour felt as a deliberate snub. She was instantly rude and aggressive, charicaturing posters as mean and seeing nastiness, exclusivity and 'mean' behaviour.

I think she is illustrating that sometimes the 'mean clique' is just your own reaction to other peoples friendliness and ease.

Other peoples behaviour towards us is always seen through the filter of our own prejudices.

If it were intentional, it was a great example.

I wasn't mean to anyone. The only mean and aggresive comments came from another source entirely.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 30/04/2010 13:21

DD2 started a new school (Yr 1) in Sept last year and I still don't even know which of the parents in the playground have DCs in her class. Her school is not particularly conducive to having parental involvement - they ask that we do not even accompany them into the building in the morning so I have hardly even spoken to her teacher, never mind any of the other parents. As it is a village school, many of the parents know each other already, but I don't live in the village. It did make me feel a bit of an outsider at first because her last school was so friendly and welcoming. Now I don't give a shit - I'm too busy to join in much anyway, but I do feel sorry for her. She went to so many parties and organised events during her reception year and so far this year she's not had one invite for anything. I can't help but wonder if that's my fault for not joining in.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/04/2010 13:23

< sings Alanis Morrissette - isn't it ironic >

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/04/2010 13:26

Grumpy - I've never lived in village, and i guess it is one of my fears/prejudices that the social side of things would be difficult

tethersend · 30/04/2010 13:32
porcamiseria · 30/04/2010 13:32

I actually only said vomit inducing as felt that Gibbon was mean, and wanted to send similar spiteful comment back (tit for tat), yes very mature I know.....

I actually dont really find it vomit inducing, of course not.....

I DID find it ironic that on a post of this topic some posters did the thing that I find a tad annoying of going off on mini cliqey random tangents. I DO find it annoying, so shoot me!

I did not see it as a snub! But I did see it worth commenting on. I am honestly NOT weeping into my laptop at the snub !!!! My first comment was not meant to sound mean, really not!

Notwithstanding I must stop getting into silly spats on here........

so chat way. no comment from me......

stealthsquiggle · 30/04/2010 13:37

My 3yo DD is determined to set up her own playdates and keeps telling me that X wants to come and play or that X says DD can go to his/her house to play. I have one day off a week and no particular desire to spend it with some random 3yo and it's parent, so I keep putting it off with "if X wants to come and play, tell X to ask his/her Mummy to call me" - conveniently circumventing the fact that X's Mummy almost certainly won't have my number.

If X's Mummy (bearing in mind "X" changes every week) goes to the trouble of sticking a note in DD's bag I will of course respond but I just don't have the energy to initiate it, particularly as DD will move in September.

I will try to make more effort then, as she will be in the school which she will probably stay at until 11.

DS is Y3 now and I have learned to live with got over the sense of isolation caused by the fact that I am one of 2 (maybe 3) WOHMs in a year group of 21 DC. DS seems to still get invited to a reasonable selection of parties, etc.

stealthsquiggle · 30/04/2010 13:38
GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 30/04/2010 13:42

Jamie, I have always loved living in villages and have found every one I've lived in (and there have been quite a few!) friendly and inclusive. My current problem stems from the fact I don't live in the village, so only ever see the other parents for 30 seconds a day outside school and I don't even know which children belong to them.
Socially, I would highly recommend village living, so long as you don't mind everyone knowing your business (that is not a myth!)

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/04/2010 13:48

Grumpy - I see ...

stealth - playdates with little ones are irksome because you have to do far more child-wrangling. Even with the older ones, I have limited it because I just sometimes want it to be just us (DSs don't really see it that way, though).