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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

As an atheist to not want to go to family Christenings?

190 replies

Beegey · 23/04/2010 10:04

Part of DH's family are fairly pious. I respect their religious views but quietly disagree with them.

However, as time goes on, I am finding myself increasingly uncomfortable at religious events, mostly christenings and baptisms. I have been able to grin and bear it in the past, particularly if DH is a godparent but now I just can't shake the feeling that I don't belong there and usually spend the service wishing I wasn't.

SIL had a baby last year and I expect he will be christened this summer. AIBU to politely decline the invitation to the christening (though DH and DD will still go) but maybe go to the little tea reception after or should I just continue to stick it out, even though I really don't want to just for the sake of family harmony?

Not an immediately pressing concern but I think I should have my answer ready...

I thought perhaps I could stay at the house and help prepare for the party in the afternoon.

AIBU??

OP posts:

Katisha · 23/04/2010 10:06

I think you would be better to go and put up with it. You don't have to say the words in the order of service.
By making a point of not going you are throwing a wet blanket of disapproval over their day.
If you don't beleive any of it then how can it hurt to stand there and at least be social.

QuintessentialShadow · 23/04/2010 10:07

Dont be so precious. Surely you can manage the odd christening for the sake of unity and harmony in the family? Try not to think about the religious aspect. Being in a church, and listening to some religious sermon, is not likely to kill you, or annoy any deity!

ANTagony · 23/04/2010 10:09

I have avoided such events and done as you suggest stayed and helped set things out in the house and get drinks ready.

I'm not into the whole making promises that I don't believe in or have any intention of keeping that your expected to repeat in some ceremonies.

The only tricky thing is finding a way of bringing this up.

My SIL was fairly grateful that I did all the legwork and got the buffet all ready when her latest was Christened

lucysnowe · 23/04/2010 10:09

I don't think so. The christening service is pretty hardcore, talking about fighting the devil etc and as an atheist I don't think you should be obliged to take part. An atheist friend of mine BTW didn't come to the service part of DD's christening and I was fine with that.

weegiemum · 23/04/2010 10:10

I agree you are making a bit of a fuss over nothing.

I'm a Christian, and I don't agree with infant baptism on theological grounds. But I still go to family/friends Christenings of infants - why not? It's a family day, just don't say anything you don't agree with.

marialuisa · 23/04/2010 10:10

I think you are TBH. You are not being asked to believe anything, you don't have to pray, you are just being asked to join a family celebration. Would you refuse to go to a Sikh friend's wedding or a Jewish friend's child's Bar Mitzvah? I think people invite others to these occasions to celebrate milestones and it's rather odd not to want to share that if they are people you care about or your nearest and dearest care about. If it's really getting to you, you could offer to help do party prep rather than attend but I wouldn't say why, presumably they already know your views on their religion?

UnquietDad · 23/04/2010 10:10

It certainly won't annoy any deity as none of them really exist!

I'd just go along to be sociable... enjoy the readings as stories, and remind yourself they are doing it to make themselves happy. I'm an atheist and I've been to numerous christenings and weddings in churches (and one Hindu temple)!

sterrryerryoh · 23/04/2010 10:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable - I understand where you're coming from with this - I always feel uncomfortable at christenings, and never do the repeat-outloud things that you're supposed to do. It's really nice of you to say you'll offer to help prepare etc - but how will the family feel about this? Will they understand or will they think you're being funny about things? I suppose it's all about how they will react to it - if they don't mind, then absolutely you should stick to your guns and not do something which you don't want to engage in and which is at odds with you and your beliefs. If it will cause gief and problems within the family, however, it might not be worth it - are you able to still "grin and bear it"?
Personally, I would probably go, but I'm not a fan of confrontation and a bit wimpy - but if you choose not to go, then I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL - your choice, just like it's theirs! Good luck!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/04/2010 10:16

I'm an atheist, and I agree that the christening ceremony is a lot more hardcore, as lucysnowe says, and as such I don't join in with the prayers and stuff. But as a ceremonial way of showing love and welcome to a baby, I would never refuse to go.

It's a shame more people don't have baby-naming or other welcome parties for their DCs, if they are not really believers

EveWasFramed · 23/04/2010 10:19

Go for the sake of harmony. I and my husband are both atheists, but had our children baptised...my family is very religious, so a baptism made them happy, and it certainly doesn't hurt our children. Just because I don't believe doesn't mean I have to get all huffy and righteous over it...I just don't care...I know who I am and what my feelings on the subject are, so standing in a church isn't any big issue.

sterrryerryoh · 23/04/2010 10:20

I have an adopted 8 month old son, and as part of the adoption arrangement, we have had to agree that we will christen him (wishes of birth family) despite the fact that neither me nor DH are christians!
We'll go along with it (we very very much wanted our little boy, you see) but it does annoy me that a) we have had the choice removed and b) I'm going to have to spend the day celebrating on the outside! I would much rather have had a welcome party as Jamieandhismagictorch said.
Oh well, - it's only a day!

ooojimaflip · 23/04/2010 10:20

Just go and ignore the nonsense - it's about the family and the child. If you don't believe what does it matter?

AMumInScotland · 23/04/2010 10:22

I think the point of going to the baptism is in order to show your support for the family at this important time in their lives. The fact that you don't agree with them about the religious aspect isn't really that relevant is it? I mean, you respect their right to make this decision for their own family, so being quietly supportive of their decision doesn't imply that you would do the same thing yourself.

You can sit politely while they say and do things that are important to them. You don't have to say or do or promise anything yourself.

Before I came back to the church I occasionally went to church services for family events, and simply sat and stood with the others, and only said/sang the parts that I felt I could agree with. I felt it was important to be there and be part of the celebration.

HarrietTheSpy · 23/04/2010 10:22

These events are about other people, not about you. Personally, I think you're being a bit OTT. However, as someone whose daughter is about to be christened if someone really didn't want to be there - and I knew they were 'suffering in silence' - I would be more than fine about an offer to 'help prepare' etc as an alternative. I think for a family member a total 'nope can't be bothered' at all reaction is well out of order. So i would offer to participate in some way.

How many are we talking about per year out of interest, that it has such an impact on your life? I assume no one is speaking in tounges or throwing snakes around, Appalachian style. I'm afraid I would have to beg off myself from events like that.

msrisotto · 23/04/2010 10:22

Why don't you want to go? It's not as if going would threaten your beliefs? I would go for the occasion, seeing family and being a part of their traditions.

MamaLazarou · 23/04/2010 10:24

YABU. You don't have to be a believer in order to respect other people's religion and cultures.

warthog · 23/04/2010 10:24

yabu

by going you are not stating to the world that you believe in it. you are supporting your family.

go and use the time to think about redecorating house / how so-and-so has lost weight etc.

you're not betraying yourself and your principles.

by not going you're making a statement that is unnecessary. people already know you're an atheist i'm sure. so what?

GeekOfTheWeek · 23/04/2010 10:26

I have refused to attend a few christenings. Not because I am an atheist but because children that were being christened were from families that don't attend church and are not remotely religious. One father even said it was just a good excuse for a piss up

Makes a mockery of the church imo.

gramercy · 23/04/2010 10:26

You aren't being asked to be a godparent. You're being asked to sit in church for a short while and then attend a family shindig. YABU.

Missus84 · 23/04/2010 10:27

YABU - what's the harm in going? You don't have to join in with anything, no one is chucking Holy Water at you and demanding you denounce atheism

It's possible to respect other people's religious beliefs and traditions without believing in them yourself. Sounds like you just want to make a point.

didgeridoo · 23/04/2010 10:27

I am an atheist but I always attend these events. As you are not expected to be a godparent, you won't be required to make any promises will you? I thought it was only the godparents who had to make promises & even then, isn't it to raise the child according to the parents' wishes & beliefs rather than your own? I haven't been to a christening in a very long time, though, so maybe my memory is just fuzzy.

I don't see anything wrong with offering to help with the party instead, if the arrangement is suitable for all concerned, though.

Species8472 · 23/04/2010 10:28

My DH's family (Irish) are Catholics (DH is majorly lapsed now!) so there are baptisms, first communions etc and I feel very uncomfortable at these sometimes as I'm an atheist. But I just suck it up and attend and they're none the wiser. You don't have to join with/say stuff you're not comfortable with, just accept them as happy family occasions.

It is totally your choice if you really don't want to go of course, no-one can force you against your conscience. My MIL refused to attend the wedding ceremony of my DH's best friend, whom she's known since he was 5, because they were having a civil ceremony, not a Catholic wedding, because she would feel 'uncomfortable'. Funnily enough I felt the same attending her GD's first communion, but I would never have dreamt of saying that....

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/04/2010 10:29

sterrryerryoh - I would find that very difficult to do. I had no idea those sorts of provisos could be put on adoptions

wukter · 23/04/2010 10:31

YABU.
Go and take part in the welcoming a new baby into the family ritual rathere than the fighting the devil thing.
Do you feel uncomfortable going to religious weddings and funerals too?

DuelingFanjo · 23/04/2010 10:33

Do you feel the same about Weddings?

Do you turn down all the invites you get for them (church ones)?

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