As an atheist to not want to go to family Christenings?

[Beegey]

Part of DH's family are fairly pious. I respect their religious views but quietly disagree with them.

However, as time goes on, I am finding myself increasingly uncomfortable at religious events, mostly christenings and baptisms. I have been able to grin and bear it in the past, particularly if DH is a godparent but now I just can't shake the feeling that I don't belong there and usually spend the service wishing I wasn't.

SIL had a baby last year and I expect he will be christened this summer. AIBU to politely decline the invitation to the christening (though DH and DD will still go) but maybe go to the little tea reception after or should I just continue to stick it out, even though I really don't want to just for the sake of family harmony?

Not an immediately pressing concern but I think I should have my answer ready...

I thought perhaps I could stay at the house and help prepare for the party in the afternoon.

AIBU??

I can understand that you would feel uncomfortable to attend ceremonies which do not comply with your believes.

However for example for baptisms (i have my daughter baptised in Aug) my priest told me that if non-believers are attending, they do not need to interact (e.g. give the replies e.g. I DO, WE DO etc etc).

That might make it easier? You are just a guest attending a family occasion and you will not have to take part in the religious parts.

I am sure that your family would be happier if you attend, and the harmony coming from it is beneficial for all, specially the children.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP. I too, went from participating in services, to being at services and not taking part, and am now at the point - particularly with baptism/christening - where I would feel too uncomfortable to attend, as my atheism has strengthened. I actually mentioned this to my DS and his GF before their baby arrived - that if she wanted it "done", I wouldn't be able to be there.

So I think helping out behind the scenes is definitely a better idea.

Go with good grace for the sake of harmony and to support your family. You don't have to believe - just don't be disrespectful to the family.

We had an atheist at our wedding who decided to stand up when everyone was sitting down and sit down when everyone was standing up ... it was some sort of protest ... I guess he was worried that the god of atheism would be watching him participating in a religious service

We had to go to his civil marriage a year later and were very well behaved (though I was very tempted to do the same back to him).

Its just about respect to other people and the way they want to celebrate their significant events.

I don't understand why it's uncomfortable to attend if you don't believe? Especially when these events are not about you? Why is standing in a church listening, and not participating so dire?

YANBU.

My mum is an atheist. My FIL is the church organist. Can you see the potential problem?

We had all three of our children christened as it was very important to DH and his family. My mum chose not to go. Although inlaws probably found this a bit odd (they find most things about my side of the family a bit odd though TBH) but DH and I completely understood her choice.

If you feel that strongly about it it would be hypocritical to go.

I'm not sure I understand either, EveWasFramed, but it would most definitely feel wrong.

YABU. I am an atheist, my dh and dd are RC. Our dd was baptised, I obviously had to go to the ceremony but didn't really get involved. I'd spoken to the priest before and explained why. Our dd had her first communion last year, I took her to her lessons and attended the event. if other people want to chat to their imaginary friend(s) it's their choice. No skin off your nose.

Thanks for your comments, food for thought.

I also wish more people would have 'naming ceremonies' and suchlike, I agree that it is a nice thing to do to bring families together and welcome a child with a party.

I just feel like a christening is more than that. I am being actively asked to 'renounce the devil' and even if I remain silent I am partaking in the ceremony by being there, which is what the vicar often says in fact.

Lots of friends have been having babies, so generally get invited to about 2-3 a year. Dh has 6 godchildren!

The thing that irks me slightly is that I am not a passive 'I don't really believe in anything, whatever' atheist, I genuinely think organised religion is not the truth.

I have in the past not gone to the synagogue bit for Bar Mitzvahs too and just gone to the party after. But yes, even then it hasn't sat well with me.

I do realise that I sound a bit precious too btw. Difficult to explain...

Sterryyyerroyoh - I also didn't realise such demands can be made on adoptive parents. Well done you.

Is it hypocritical to go to weddings, funerals, or christenings where the form of the service doesn't exactly accord with your own personal beliefs? My goodness, you won't be attending many events then.

It never occurred to me that when my husband has the house blessed I should stand outside not participating, just so everyone can see I don't share the need to have our house blessed. But I'm in a mixed culture, mixed religion marriage, so have at some level accepted I'll be participating in ceremonies that I don't fully agree with on every level. For a start they are in a foreign language so I can't tell!

I don't think you should say the bits of the liturgy you don't believe in, and I didn't convert myself to have a Orthodox wedding as I didn't want to say things that were untrue to me. But not to attend christenings is just attention-seeking IMO, you just have to accept the form in which they are offered, just as you would if it was a pagan or naming, or any other type of important ceremony which shows love and support to the baby and family.

See...I don't get that...I just very simply don't believe...there's no wrong or right about it. I think belief in God is lovely when people have it, so when I go to a religious event, I just think it's nice that people have found comfort and support in something. I don't have to defend or justify my non belief, or protest the religious stuff. I don't even feel hipocrytical...if I made out like I prayed, or tried to follow along, I might, but I just kind of like churches, so end up admiring the windows or something!
I guess I dont' get feeling uncomfortable...doesn't make sense...

I don't get why it would be hypocritical to go. Surely we should all respect each other's religions whether we believe in them or not. By not going aren't in effect saying I'm right, you're wrong. Doesn't sound very respectful to me. Surely it would be better to attend but just not take part in the service, just sit and listen? That way you are saying I don't believe in this but I don't have a problem with the fact that you do.

This is going to be unpopular, but can't you feign illness or something if you really don't want to go?
I'm not a fan of christenings and am even less of a fan of certain members of my family, and have done this in the past to preserve my sanity.

"I don't understand why it's uncomfortable to attend if you don't believe? Especially when these events are not about you? Why is standing in a church listening, and not participating so dire? "

You stand out like a sore thumb, you feel very self conscious. Its very uncomfortable to be the only person in the congregation that isn't singing, especially if it's a small church and you were not allowed to hide at the back.

Fortunately I've had to go to very few christenings - so I think YANBU.

The really weird thing is, I don't get the same feeling at funerals.

I think on balance YABU. I am a christian and have had both DCs christened. DH is agnostic and MIL is actively atheist. DH knew that I wanted the DCs christened and was happy to go along with it (actually on UQD's reasoning which he explained to the vicar who was also absolutely fine with it).

I would have been slightly hurt if MIL had hot upset/ refused to attend the service/ refused to attend full stop although I respect her atheism and tbh if I had been brought up by her parents, would probably be at least atheist too. As it was, MIL came to the service but took DD (2.10) and my nephew and niece out into the church hall when they started getting rowdy and settled them down with colouring books etc which was brilliant of her.

I certainly think you should spend the day with the family and help out as you can but even if you go to church it doesn't ncessarily mean sitting through the service and certainly not participating.

Why do you have a problem renouncing the devil?. are you the anti-christ? LOL. Will the crucifix burst into flames and that music from the Omen start when you walk into the church?

It doesn't make any sort of sense, but there is something different about the baptism/christening service. I think, for me, it may be because the baby isn't choosing to partake in this ceremony, while a bride and groom, for example, both have agreed.

It's also a more participative (if that's a word?) ceremony than a wedding; it's a while since I've attended either, but at a wedding you're invited to "witness" the ceremony, and with a christening you're expected to offer support to raise the chld in thr appropriate church. Which I can't do.

And merely looking at the ground and not joining in the hymns isn't enough; it actually feels rude, ill-mannered and intrusive of me to be there.

OK, I'm weird.

Oh, yeah, that "sticking out like a sore thumb" thing liamsdaddy mentioned. Deffo.

But not going looks more like protest, like you don't care, and it frankly then becomes about you...surely, it's less obvious to just stand there and smile...I highly doubt that anyone in the church is paying attention to who is singing and who isn't!

OLKN that is exactly what my mum said.

She was brought up in the Pentecostal church, which doesn't have infant baptism anyway. But she has been an atheist for many years.

She felt uncomfortable with the idea that the baby was being made part of the church without its consent. Whereas I liked the fact that the baby was being accepted into the community of the church. We respected each other's opinions, and there was no argument about it.

YABU I think.

We are Catholic (practising) but lots of our friend are not and when the priest started the service he explained that this was about our frinds supporting our decision people could make responses or not as they chose. Some of my cousins Hindu in-laws were there to support our choice despite it not being their belief.

I have attended naming ceremonys, it doesn't make me an atheist, it means I respect my friends beliefs/or lack of.

Do you refuse to attend church weddings?

All that said if it makes you really unhappy speak to your SIL and offer to arrange the 'after do', she might appreciate that.

Being baptised doesn't HURT a baby, either, so even if they aren't choosing it, it's not like you're sacrificing them, and making them choose atheism is along the same lines, I think. I don't believe, but I want my DCs to have some education about religion, so that they can make that choice for themselves when they are older...I don't think it's fair to force them into atheism just because that's where I am. So I will introduce them to churches AND to atheism, as they get older, and let them form an opinion based on experience.

Eve, the OP has said she's happy to stay behind and help organise the party, which I think demonstrates that she cares, and is more useful on the day than mouthing words you don't mean in a pretty building. I'd happily throw a party for my DGS, but I wouldn't - honestly, couldn't, these days - attend any churchy bit.

If you really feel that organised religion is wrong, then I can see why you don't want to be there.

But at the same time, I think that by not going, you risk causing a lot of offence to people.

As an example, my Great-Aunt is a Jehovah's Witness, and their religion forbids them going to other religious services. Because of this, she has missed family weddings and funerals. Of course everyone understands why she doesn't go. But the fact is, it has driven a massive rift between her and other family members, because there is a feeling of "How can she put that ahead of family?" There is a sense that "family" (and friendship) should trump religion (or in your case atheism).

Your friends may, intellectually, understand why you don't want to be there. But there's a risk that they will feel hurt that you put those principles above your care for them.

Ok. Let's imagine it's not religion for a moment.

Let's imagine your friends have decided that the moon is made of green cheese. They want to hold a ceremony to promise to bring up their baby believing that the moon is made of green cheese. And they want you to come along in support. You think their belief is bonkers.

What would you do?

Me, I'd probably go along, and say something to the parents along the lines of "Well, you know I don't agree that the moon is made of green cheese, but I think your baby is lovely so I'm happy to come along and celebrate his birth". Then, caveat in place, I'd go to the ceremony and keep my mouth shut.

Would that work?

I'm more sympathetic now than I would have been when I was a believer (not surprising!) - I had to go to church on Sunday and found it really unpleasant which didn't used to be the case even in previous periods of unbelief. Baptism services in our church are also unbelievably long, and a quick way of putting off anyone who was thinking about returning to church IMO.

However, I was previously married to an atheist who didn't like religious ceremonies and made a fuss about coming to them, and it was very annoying tbh. I like the idea of staying home to set up the food and drink, but if that's not an option, take a book of poetry or philosophy that you wouldn't normally have time to read and try to get something out of it.

Do you have children? If so, feed them chocolate cereal for breakfast, show your faces at the service and take them out of church as soon as they get hyper 'so as not to disturb anyone', maybe after the first hymn.' Identify a nice park or cafe and enjoy yourselves in the sunshine. Or do an educational project identifying wildlife in the churchyard/reading gravestones.