As an atheist to not want to go to family Christenings?

[Beegey]

Part of DH's family are fairly pious. I respect their religious views but quietly disagree with them.

However, as time goes on, I am finding myself increasingly uncomfortable at religious events, mostly christenings and baptisms. I have been able to grin and bear it in the past, particularly if DH is a godparent but now I just can't shake the feeling that I don't belong there and usually spend the service wishing I wasn't.

SIL had a baby last year and I expect he will be christened this summer. AIBU to politely decline the invitation to the christening (though DH and DD will still go) but maybe go to the little tea reception after or should I just continue to stick it out, even though I really don't want to just for the sake of family harmony?

Not an immediately pressing concern but I think I should have my answer ready...

I thought perhaps I could stay at the house and help prepare for the party in the afternoon.

AIBU??

OP - sorry haven't had time to read all the posts but YANBU, IMO. Why should you attend a religious event if you don't want to? Why should people be offended if you don't? It's not your faith. It;s nt like you're snubbing them - staying back to help with the party preparations is a nice gesture. If you were a devout Muslim they wouldn't expect you to attend a Christian ceremony. So why should you?

Beegey,

I didn't get married in church, because I'm an atheist (= lapsed Catholic = 'broke my parents' hearts' by marrying in a town hall).

When my brother became a father, we knew that I could not be godmother to my nephews and nieces - because I could not stand up in church, 'renounce the devil and all his works', and honestly swear to bring up my nieces and nephews within the church.

I did attend my nieces' and nephews' baptisms, just as I attended my brother's and sister-in-law's wedding. I even gave readings at each of these ceremonies. I didn't have to give any kind of written-in-blood undertaking to do any of those things; I just turned up, attended the ceremonies and did the readings.

However, that was my choice. If I had felt at all uncomfortable at doing those readings, obviously I wouldn't have done so (and would have explained to my brother beforehand).

BUT you have to choose what feels right for you.

Please, just discuss this with your family first. You may find they respect your wishes. Or you may come round to a compromise in another way.

Whatever you decide, all good wishes.

"If you were a devout Muslim they wouldn't expect you to attend a Christian ceremony."

Why wouldn't whoever "they" are?

There's a world of difference between attending a wedding or christening than there is some sort of evangelical gathering which aims to capture victims people for salvation purposes.

As an athiest myself, I think YANBU to feel like that but YABU to actually not go.

Of course you don't feel obliged to agree with them as far as religion is concerned, but christenings, weddings and funerals are important events that you really should attend when it's your family.

On the bright side they don't happen very often.

Do you have the holiday off at Christmas? As a committed athiest, I think you should work on these days.

Also at Easter.

My DB is an athiest but he always comes to family baptisms, weddings, funerals (how do you feel about funerals?).

I have a photo of my DD and DS at their first communion (which DB came to ).

His DS asked what it was all about and DB explained that it was a celebraton of our religion and they were attending out of respect for our values and traditions.

I have a very close Hindu friend whos husband passed away and they have 6 days of mourning of which I atended every one.

We all have our own beliefs and values but we all have to learn to keep an open mind and respect other peoples values and beliefs even though they aren't ours.

MudandRoses, I work with a friend who is a devout Muslim and she quite happily joins in the Secret Santa at Christmas, the same as we show concern for her when she is fasting during Ramadan.

She also came to my DD's full on Catholic wedding where prayers were said before the gorging wedding breakfast began.

I'm a Christian. When we had a dedication service for DD, my in laws came, but then got up and walked out as soon as the vicar had said the bit about DD. We were mortified and I was really hurt that they were so rude and disrespectful. I would have MUCH prefered them to respectfully decline the invitation than to behave like that, which just seemed like they were trying to make a point rather than celebrate DD with us.

Didn't invite them at all to DC2 and DC3's.

If you can be there and genuinely feel pleased to be celebrating your DNs birth, then go. If you'd be going along feeling resentful or uncomfortable, then I'd say kindly and respectfully decline - explaining why so there is no confusion. Offering to stay and help with the food at home would show that you genuinely wanted to be helpful and kind and don't have a chip on your shoulder, and would probably be really useful.

Personally I wouldn't be offfended by that and would respect your integrity.

...but, havings said that, I would and have happily and gladly attended various religious ceremonies - Jewish, Hindu, secular, Catholic. I wouldn't 'participate' (eg, at my freidns Catholic babptism I didn't pray to the saints), but would quietly listen. Its interesting. And I want to be there foir my freind's special days.

I just think life is too short to exclude yourself from happy gatherings, especially those involving babies. It's your loss if you choose not to go and be part of an important day in the lives of people who love you enough to invite you. And it's probably not so nice for your DH to go alone to these affairs and have to explain that you're not there because you think it's a load of codswallop. I think your absence actually draws attention to you that really should be on the baby.

I am an atheist and really fairly actively dislike being in church services, and would find a christening difficult. Especially if it was Catholic, as that's how I was brought up. It would make me feel angry and hypocritical and really uncomfortable because I think that a lot of the service is actually fairly toxic and would remind me of all the reasons why I have rejected Catholicism. However none of our friends have got married or had their children christened, so the last few times I've been in a church was for funerals, and all CoE for non religious families, so very low key on the religious front and much more about saying goodbye.

My big sister is fairly evangelical (she's also a vicar, so her religion is very important to her) and when she had her youngest christened all my father's family (Catholic) arrived late enough to miss the service. She was not in any way offended because she understood that it would have made them uncomfortable.

If I was the OP I would start by offering to help instead of going to the service. I don't see why the SIL would be offended as it probably woudl be very helpful, and why would you want someone to come to a very religious ceremony if they actively didn't believe? If that didn't work I'd sit at the back and slip out if possible. Surely the family are just focused on their ceremony, not checking to see who is in the church and participating?

coralanne your understanding of atheism and the origins of Christmas and Easter holidays is a bit off.

The concept of a "committed" atheist doesn't really make any sense, as you don't have to believe or promise anything to anybody. You just get on with your life.

Similarly, a non-religious naming ceremony is a positive event celebrating the child. For example it wouldn't include a bit asking people to renounce God unlike the baptism asking people to renounce the Devil.

Christmas and Easter celebrations have their roots in human celebrations that pre-date Christianity. But we all get the days off work because they are national holidays, not because we can only have them if we go to a Christian church.

IsItMeOr, point taken. I did mean to put the committed in inverted commas..

The meaning of atheist is "rejection of elief in God of gods".

ATHEISM "The doctrine or belief that there is no God"

Christmas day celebrates the birth of Christ (I know the arguement of him not actually een born then).

Easter is the death and resurrection of Christ.

Bear with me on this one. Just thinking aloud.

If someone is an athiest then why would they then feel uncomfortable about going along to a Christian celebration.

They're not actually participating in the ceremony, they are observing it.

Is this too simplistic!! I am a hetrasexual person with homosexual friends.

I don't feel uncomfortable going along to their functions.

My DD's friend has two mothers. I have always felt quite comfortable around them and invitations to family functions have always been sent to them as a couple.

If someone is truely an athiest then I can't quite understand how they would feel uncomfortable OBSERVING a religious ceremony.

e

It seems as though a lot of people here are saying that they are athiest and it stems from being raised in a particular religion or having a bad experience in a particular religion.

My DB, from a small boy had no interest in God, Church or religion.

We are catholic but always given the choice of attending Mass or a Catholic school.

My DB is the youngest in our family and from a very small boy had no interest whatsoever in atending a church of any description or a faith school,

Maybe some people are uncomfortable about attending religious ceremonies, not because they are athiests but because they have bad memories of religion being forced on them at some stage of their lives.

YANBU to not want to be a hypocrite.

Excuse me but I'm bitter and twisted. Feeling v angry about the whole church/religion thing today. In-laws are both vicars and dh is religion mad. He left over 4 weeks ago for another woman and his parents haven't rung to see how I am, even though I'm with their 2 grandchildren, I'm the main wage earner in the family and have been signed off sick for over 4 weeks now coz of this.

I've always taken my daughter to church at dh's request, but will now be dropping her off at the door instead. Feel that the church is run by weak hypocrites and don't want a part of it anymore. Daughter is 10 and religion mad as well and she loves church.

4 weeks ago, my reply would have been completely different, but my views have been turned upside down.

Told you I was bitter and twisted.

SK

I am an athiest, DH is RC and quite devout (i.e. church every Sunday). Obviously over the years we have had to make compromises and have come to respect each others views.

Ours DDs are baptised and attend an RC school. Once they are old enough I will explain my views to them and I know they will chose to make up their own mind and whatever, if any, religion they chose to follow will be utterly fine with both if us.

DH wanted them baptised as he believes it is easier to be baptised as a child and grow up in the faith rather than convert later in life.

Obviously I attend numerous occasions within the church and I don't agree with them but it's not about me, MIL died last year and her funeral was a full on RC event which she would have wanted, I participated in it out of respect for her and her beliefs.

Feel very for you spiritualknot

SpiritualKnot you are right to be upset.

But guess what? You are not bitter, because you still let DD attend church.

You're right. There's plenty of hypocrites in all churches. Same as there is in general society.

Hope everything works out for you but you are being very strong in not letting it interfer with DD's beliefs.

My sister had the exact same thing happen to her years ago.

That was the impetus for her becoming an athiest. She is now extremely, married to a great man and has started going to his alternative church (Ddon't know the name of it)

Meant to say extremely HAPPY

I'm not an atheist because I was raised a Catholic. I've never had what I'd call a bad experience either (much experience of being bored, but that's another matter, and my big sister had the same experience and is now a vicar, so I don't think that's it). I'm an atheist primarily because I don't have faith (fundamental to any religion). I also don't believe that religion is (in general) a positive movement.

Your definition of atheism is also somewhat simplistic. There are many different ways of thinking that can be/are described as atheism, from anti-theism to apatheism, including such schools as humanism. It's an interesting area with lots of debate. I don't believe that there is no god(s) or reject that belief, I simply think that the very concept of god(s) is irrelevant to my life, and that religion is a human created concept, and a fairly destructive one at that, generally to do with control. So I reject religion, not god(s).

As for the Christian celebrations you will find that Christmas adopted many pre-christian mid-winter rituals and Easter many spring ones. Most people enjoy a party when it's cold and dark and enjoy new life after winter.

I guess you can just observe church services, but they are designed to be participated in. Listening to sermons (designed to make you the congregation think), saying prayers, singing hymns etc. It's not like going to a play or a concert.

Oh and I'm sorry to hear of your experiences SpiritualKnot. Sadly religious people are just like everyone else, that is people with all their faults and foibles, having faith doesn't make you any better (or worse) than anyone else. I hope that things work out for you and that you get through this horrible time with lots of support (if not from your ILs).

Thanks for those lovely, supportive replies, Coralanne and Nooka. Hadn't given the religious thing any thought until I saw this thread, so reading it I became aware how my views had changed.

MN is so good for this sort of thing, making you think outside the box.

SK

To an athiest it would be like going to a play or concert wouldn't it?

I did say that my view was pretty simplistic but I don't know what other way to put it.

I think you are on the right track when you say that organized religion is the real culprit here. Not God.

Someone asked me the other day what my view were on religion and interrace marriages.

My answer was"My religion is live and let live"