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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

expecting father needs advice

202 replies

guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:04

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 09/04/2010 15:07

IMO yes you are expecting too much from your girlfriend to just forgive and forget

what is your mother doing to show that she is behind you? I assume she must be yes? Otherwise how can expect your girlfriend to make the effort?

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:08

Your mum is completely out of order. Do you still live at home by any chance? (I'm asking because it sounds as if your mum hasn't quite realized you're an adult not a misbehaving teenager!)

To be honest, I think your girlfriend's anger is understandable and your mum owes her an apology. All credit to you - sounds like a really tough situation to find yourself in the middle of.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:09

but I feel this needs resolving and the only way my mum can make it up to her or discuss the situation is by going round there.

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 09/04/2010 15:12

Does your mum want to apologise?

so why doesnt your mum go and apologise then, if your girlfriend really will not let her in or answer a phone from her then can she write an applogy?

it sounds like you are making this out to be your girlfriends fault, but your mum has behaved unforgiveably (and has encourage you to behave in the same way remember)

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:12

Why's that? Can your mum not ring her/send a letter? It might be easier, actually. I should imagine your girlfriend is feeling quite shocked (not to mention hormonal), and she may feel that she just can't take a big emotional scene with your mum at the moment.

I think you need to really show your girlfriend that you're behind her, and if that means leaving your mum out of things a bit, that's unfortunate but probably necessary.

StayFrosty · 09/04/2010 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 09/04/2010 15:12

Your mum can write a letter, or email. I would expect some basic sort of attempt to be made along those lines before I trooped round to see a woman who had told me to abort a baby!

I think at some point your girlfriend (provided she does get an apology and your mum makes it clear she wants to be involved) will need to allow this to be moved on from in order that your child can have a good relationship with it's grandmother though.

But I can totally understand how she feels now and I don't think it's up to her to go and see your mum!

SusieCarmichael · 09/04/2010 15:14

is your mum sorry? if so, does your girlfriend know this?

i think your mum was out of order for involving herself tbh

your girlfriend probably feels that none of your family wanted the baby but are 'putting up' with it now she has made final decision, if i were her, that would make me feel pretty bad about the situation and would need your mum apologising imo

gingernutlover · 09/04/2010 15:14

stayfrosty is absolutely correct - your priority now and when the baby is born is your girlfriend and hers and babies happiness, not whether your mum feels hard done by!

LoveBeingAMummy · 09/04/2010 15:15

If you had been 100% certain about the ba by how would you have felt about your mum trying to make you get rid of your baby? If you had wanted it and your girlfriend didn't how would you feel? If your girlfriend and your mum had joined forces to try and convince you how would you feel? What would it take for you to forgive and forget?

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:15

StayFrosty, he didn't say he condoned his mum doing that! I don't see from the OP that he's behaved badly at all. He says he did go and ask her if she wanted an abortion, which I think is fair enough, but everything else is his mother, isn't it?

damnedchilblains · 09/04/2010 15:16

Your mum was completely out of line and at a time when your girlfriend needed the most understanding. I feel sorry for you that you are in between your mum and your girlfriend but as guy123 says it needs resolving, especially if your family are going to be involved in your childs life.

I think your girlfriend is right to be angry and don't blame her for not wanting to reconciliate. You need to get your mum to apologise, and sincerely. Your girlfriend is not a child and your mother (although I'm sure with the best intentions) should not have interfered in this way.

Tell your mum how much this girl means to you (if you haven't already), although if you are uncertain in anyway, your mum may be picking up on this and trying to protect you in that "mother knows best" type of way.

BitOfFun · 09/04/2010 15:17

You're a grown adult, but you sound like a teenager. I don't really understand why your mother has got involved at all, tbh.

What practical steps are you taking to support your pregnant partner? Are you working? Getting a place together? If you start acting in a more adult way, your mother might respect your boundaries and your partner could respect you.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2010 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:19

I am working all the hours god sends and we are sorting out a flat together

OP posts:
JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:22

The flat and all sounds great. I was wondering, is there anyone else in your family your girlfriend gets on better with, whom you could invite over once you've got the flat sorted? That way you could show her that your family do like her and are interested in the baby - but without making her feel she has to face your mum.

I can see this is really hard for you, but when I was 18 my mum and my boyfriend's mum both told me to have an abortion, and it really it a horrible thing to tell someone, because when you are pregnant your hormones tend to be telling you to get emotional and protect the baby.

Lulumaam · 09/04/2010 15:23

yikes, I was pregnant with my first baby at 23.. although different situation as was married BUT !! I would have found it exceptionally hard to move on from my partner discussing a termination with his mum and then she feeling it was apporpriate to tell me a termination was best

draw droppingly insensitive

your mum and you should be crawling over hot coals to reassure her

she is 24, a grown adult, as are you

you need to man up and get ready for fatherhood, regardless of whether your relationship survives this

you sound dreadfully immature, but you are going to need a crash course in putting the baby and your partner's needs first for a good long while

i think your girlfriend is going to struggle with your mum in her role as grandma, when she was telling her to have a termination

some serious grovelling in order

Lulumaam · 09/04/2010 15:23

freudian slip there! * jaw not draw dropping !

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 15:25

Your mum was totally out of order and should never have said anything in the first place. A genuine apology, written if necessary, needs to be made from her to your girl friend.

If I were in your girl friends shoes and my "dp" was telling me I had to go round there "to resolve the situation" would make me feel as if he was dismissing my feelings. I'd expect the first move (an apology) to be made by his mum and I'd expect him to back me up.

odette123 · 09/04/2010 15:26

For what it's worth I think you all need to ahem grown up. Your mum seems to have waded into a situation that's not really anything to do with her but that's probably because you're still young and hadn't been together long. You should have been using protection and shouldn't have gone crying to your Mum when your girlfriend wouldn't take your advice. Your girlfriend needs to stop playing the victim, after all's said and done, you and your mum only discussed abortion with her, it's not like you dragged her down the clinic or anything and it is (or was) and option.

Oh deary, deary me, what a mess you've made. So to recap, you've all made mistakes and now there's a child on the way, you need to sit down like adults and sort it out like reasonable people so you're not bringing your child into a Jeremy Kylesque type situation which will give him/her a lifetime of emotional turmoil to deal with.

That's my twopenneth for what it's worth

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:26

I don't think he sounds immature Lulu - just reacting to a really big life-change.

I'm sure there are plenty of people on here whose parents would still be treating them like children at twice the OP's age - you constantly see threads complaining about mums and MILs who do just that. I'm 25, and nothing on earth will stop my mum from feeling she's perfectly within her rights to offer me and DP unwanted advice on completely inappropriate subjects, just like this guy's mum.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:27

I have defended my girlfiend and she has been to see my mum once but thats it. My mum said that she would not change what she done beacuse she would of done the same to her own daughter but that she is sorry it upset her.

OP posts:
lisianthus · 09/04/2010 15:27

It's not "fair enough"! He says that "bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it" and yet he and his mother still both had a go at the GF to suggest she has an abortion.

Your GF must have felt ganged up on by you and your mother at a time she was (and is still) feeling vulnerable and hormonal, particularly if there has also been a lot of "arguing and confusion". If you want to stick with her and be a father to this baby, she needs to feel you will fight her (and the baby's) corner, NOT that you think that she needs to make you and your mum feel better by reconciling with your mum.

You both owe her a sincere apology and you need to start thinking what you can do to be supportive of her, not what your GF should be doing to stop you feeling "upset".

gingernutlover · 09/04/2010 15:31

guy 123 that is not what i call a sincere aplogy from your mum!

more of a , "well i think i was right and i still think i am right, and I'm sorry if you were upset by me" comment, totally passive aggressive, not surprised your girlfrined is not impressed

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:31

guy123, what you describe your mum saying is not an apology. It's almost an insult - the point is, this woman who is your girlfriend is not a child, and has never been your mum's child. So the comparison to what she would have done with her own daughter isn't helpful.

I think you need to leave your mum to her own devices for a bit and concentrate on your girlfriend (after all, even if you want to share all of this with your family, there's not much sharing can be done with a pregnancy!).

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