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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

expecting father needs advice

202 replies

guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:04

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

OP posts:
MrsForHowLong · 09/04/2010 19:21

Doesn't he live at home too? Not really reached adult status yet. And perhaps this , misguided, mother loves her son dearly and didn't want his life ruined by a girl that didn't know, apparently, how to use contraception!! She already knows her son isn't stepping out as a responsible adult, living at home, and now a new gf gets pg. A new gf that doesn't believe in abortion and so pregnancy means a baby for the rest of her son's life. Now I am not saying that the GF did get pg on purpose but perhaps the mother doesn't know her well enough(how long have they been in a relationship?) to know that.

soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 19:24

Why can't I judge? Why is anyone posting on Mumsnet if they don't want to be judged? I expect people to be forming opinons about me based on what a say here. I may like it. I may not but it's just tough.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 09/04/2010 19:24

I just remember how terrified I was when I found out I was pregnant, and I was 35, married 7 years, and we had been trying!!!

I think an unplanned pregnancy in the circumstances that this family are in, is a profoundly life changing experience and people in that position can panic and try to see an easy way out of this position.

odette123 · 09/04/2010 19:29

Why don't you all go somewhere neutral (Switzerland?) and get it all out in the open. You can say your bit and she can say her's and then you can both agree to differ. These festering sores in families do irrepairably amounts of harm, believe me. It sounds to me as if your MIL was only wanting the best for her son (with the best will in the world she hardly knew you by the time you found out you were pregnant) and TBH suggesting an abortion after conceiving 3 months into a relationship isn't completely withoput logic.

I'd guess that when he first found out he totally freaked and told his Mum a very different story about what he wanted to what he then went on to tell you thereby shifting the blame. Maybe he didn't want the baby initially but the important thing is that he does now so be the bigger woMAN and talk to your MIL. I wish you all the best I really do x

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 19:31

"Doesn't he live at home too? Not really reached adult status yet. And perhaps this , misguided, mother loves her son dearly and didn't want his life ruined by a girl that didn't know, apparently, how to use contraception!!"

I can't believe you just said that

She was on the pill which was interfered with by anti-biotics (IIRC) and therefore didn't work.

MrsC2010 · 09/04/2010 19:34

Soapboxqueen, I do see your point, which I agree and disagree with (I am pro-choice all the way but don't think it should be taken lightly). But I think that an absolute condemnation of someone else's view is a little harsh that's all and not really how the world rubs along.

odette123 · 09/04/2010 19:38

Hear, hear MrsC2010

soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 19:40

MrsC2010 I'm going to agree and disagree also

I agree on your position on abortion for I am the same. I truely believe that most situations in life are shades of grey but some (just a few) are not.

There is a reason why I gave myself the name soapboxqueen.

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 19:51

I'm pro choice too but I don't believe anyone has the right to tell a woman whether or not she should have an abortion.

odette123 · 09/04/2010 19:59

Angelcat666 has anyone on here said that a person does have the right to tell a woman to have an abortion? Surely you have the right to suggest abortion as an option to someone in the Op's situation which, from what I've read, is what the MIL did. Maybe not in the most sympathetic way but MIL didn't have any power to make her wishes come to pass. We're not in a religious dictatorship here.

soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 20:05

Odette123 the MIL has every right to voice her opinons to OP but then must accept the consequences of that right. Which might be the mother of her grandchild never having anything to do with her ever again.

MrsForHowLong · 09/04/2010 20:07

I meant that that may have been how the mother saw it, which I clearly put in the latter part of the same post.

If a male friend of mine got a new gf pg who he knew to be on the pill I would be suspicious...and as for antibiotics I am that anyone thinks the pill is safe on antibiotics, the really is very basic.

Now I can't see anywhere on this thread, I will scan again, where the gf expresses shock or fear about this pg and quite frankly I am surprised that she can't see the mother's POV. In that situation I may try to prove to the mother that I am sincere and not expect 'wife' status just because of a pg. Afterall their relationship is still less than a year old.

I don't see the point of agreeing with the OP and adding fuel to the fire. The OP needs a way out of all of this ill feeling and that means building bridges. I would invite the mother for a coffee explain why her words hurt so much and she will probably apologise.

i

odette123 · 09/04/2010 20:17

soapboxqueen I don't personally believe that suggesting abortion as an option in the circumstances is a heinous crime but maybe the OP has religious/cultural views that make this more of an issue. As per my earlier posts, I think that it must be viewed as water under the bridge and, as I also posted earlier, being as the OP wasn't actually the father originally portrayed but the mother (who clearly has a whole different take on this), who knows what he said to his Mum on the sly when he first found out she was pregnant. I think we need to cut MIL some slack. The OP didn't have an abortion and they all need to sort this out like adults by if not agreeing, then agreeing to differ for the sake of the imminent child.

thesecondcoming · 09/04/2010 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

odette123 · 09/04/2010 20:38

MrsForHowLong said...

If a male friend of mine got a new gf pg who he knew to be on the pill I would be suspicious...and as for antibiotics I am (sure) that anyone (who) thinks the pill is safe on antibiotics, the really is very basic.

Now I can't see anywhere on this thread, I will scan again, where the gf expresses shock or fear about this pg and quite frankly I am surprised that she can't see the mother's POV

I agree. As I said earlier, I think the OP needs to stop playing the victim. I was only on the pill for 6 months in my early 20's (had to come off it for medical reasons) and even I knew about how atibiotics negating the effects, it's pill 101 isn't it although accidents happen I suppose.

TBH, I'm highly suspicious of how the OP pretended to be the father initially but when her victim status was vindicated by MNers told everyone who she really was.

Sorry OP but I find it all rather odd.

MrsForHowLong · 09/04/2010 20:39

SBQ...I just wanted to respond to your earlier post about what my views on abortion say about me. They say that for me it isn't killing a baby, it isn't morally demonic, it isn't a terrible thing. Not that it doesn't come, always, without emotional repercussions but that when it's the right decision it is not a tough thing or an ordeal.

teaandcakeplease · 09/04/2010 20:41

girl123 - I suspect your MIL is always going to be opinionated, controlling and domineering. My MIL is like this I try to be nice, smile politely, nod etc and then go home and have a large drink and let rip to a friend on it

I suspect she'll never swallow her pride and apologise. Try not to let this eat you up and keep thinking about it over and over though. It WAS outrageous! Even more so what she said later on about it when you tried to make amends. But I don't think she is ever going to back down and recognise it was wrong. She just doesn't sound like that sort of person.

There is a lot of wise advice on here, personally I would try to just get along as best you can but have boundaries and do be politely firm on important things to you

As others have said, once you are living together and your relationship grows with your partner, hopefully over time he'll rearrange his priorities and put your first and stand up to his mum! Man up a bit

I also think his sister wanting you to congratulate her for being an Auntie is a bit Very weird, quite frankly! It's your baby, she should be congratulating you. If she's young though, I'll let her off, as she may not know how to deal with this situation etc.

Sending you a ((hug)) lady, congrats on the baby, you're very brave and strong to stick by your convictions and have this lovely baby. Best of luck x

soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 20:43

MFHL think we shall just have to agree to disagree.

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 20:47

odette123 from the op

"My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best."

I got the impression that the bf's mother told the op that she should have an abortion, not just suggested it. Incidently I would never suggest or tell someone they should have an abortion. I may ask what they planned to do but that's as far as it would go.

MrsForHowLong

My apologies, I've just reread your post and realised I've misinterpreted it

I have to agree with you re the pill and anti-biotics but it's amazing how many people don't seem to realise that things like this can interfere.

Personally I'd be outraged if someone told me to have an abortion. I'd neither forgive (certainly not for a long time, maybe not ever completely) or forget. I may put it aside for the sake of relationships but only after an apology but that's me.

My ex dp's mother refused to sit in the same room as me when I first found out I was pregnant because we weren't married but she never even once mentioned abortion.

Disclaimer - After a few late nights/early mornings and a lot of travel yesterday I'm tired so if what I've said doesn't make sense please let me know and I'll try to explain it a bit better.

odette123 · 09/04/2010 20:47

I completely agree MrsForHowLong and I'm going to be out and proud by saying that I have had an abortion, it was without doubt the right decision and I'm 100% sure that I did the right thing.

Is this descending into a pro life/pro choice debate do you think or have I just tipped it over the edge into that territory?

teaandcakeplease · 09/04/2010 20:53

Personally as the OP is strongly pro life, I think it's probably not helpful to begin a debate as she's already hurting, hence coming on here

ladylush · 09/04/2010 20:56

The thing is MrsForHowLong you are absolutely entitled to your personal views on abortion and to do as you see fit with your own pregnancies - but imo would be completely out of order to ask someone else to have an abortion. Thus, I do think the partner's mother's actions were reprehensible. That said, I can see that it will be very hard for all concerned (including the grandchild) if there is no reconciliation. I think a letter from OP is a good idea. That way, she has control over what she says. OP - imo she was not out of order for discussing abortion with her son - but most certainly was for pushing it. It's a bit weird that she wants to buy the nursery when she didn't even want the baby in the first place

odette123 · 09/04/2010 20:56

Angelcat666 wrote...

..."My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best."

I got the impression that the bf's mother told the op that she should have an abortion, not just suggested it. Incidently I would never suggest or tell someone they should have an abortion. I may ask what they planned to do but that's as far as it would go...

I still don't see that as telling her to have an abortion. The MIL was giving her opinion which, if the MIL has the same human rights as the rest of us is her perogative. I would point out that the original post was written by the mother (not the father as initially thought) who obviously has a vested interest in making MIL look as bad as possible on here

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 20:58

Nah, you've just made a statement of fact odette123 .

Fwiw I'd be on your side re the pro choice thing.

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 21:01

odette123 I guess it's really a matter of perception. We both interpreted it differently.