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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

expecting father needs advice

202 replies

guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:04

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

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Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:43

Yes I am going to ask him to read the first message in which I worte and ask him if he agree's that this is how he feels. If it is then I shall show him the responses. is that bad? I have tried every way of sorting this and he cant see my point so it had to come to this

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JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:45

I wouldn't do it!

However well you think you've summed up his position, he'll feel differently and I can't see him being thrilled at a load of strangers judging him.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:46

hmmm maybe your right, so how do I make him see that im not some freak who is the only person in the world that would feel the way I feel?

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DuelingFanjo · 09/04/2010 16:47

nope - bad bad idea.

I think you need to talk to him first about how you are feeling about his mum.

You say he can't see your point? That he thinks you should forgive his mum? Well then you need to speak to his mum, you can't ignore her for the rest of your life.

Fliight · 09/04/2010 16:48

so who is Odette 123 then? [completely confused now]

DuelingFanjo · 09/04/2010 16:51

you say your MIL wants to buy the nursery but you are against this.

Could you explain to your boyfriend that you would like to buy the nursery yourself but maybe try to reach out to his mum by asking her to come and help you choose what you need?

I think you should be open with her about how she upset you by suggesting that you abort her grandchild but you will have to try to let it go. If you don't then you will be forcing your partner to make choices between you and his mum.

Get back some control by being up front with them both about your feelings but showing you are prepared to forgive, on your terms. Take some control of the situation.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:52

Of course you're not some freak. Abortion is clearly something you feel strongly about and there are millions of people who agree with you. But how important is it that he accept that? I'm guessing he's thinking that you should just accept his mum's half-hearted apology and get on with it?

If you can bear to, I think you should give it a try. If you really can't, and think she is just trying to control him, then you should call her and explain to her you were very hurt and upset, and don't feel you can accept her offer. Don't use him as a go-between: talk to her as another adult and hopefully she will apologize. If not, you've tried your best.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:52

so I just forgive and forget? even thought the last time I went to see her she just said that she was sorry it upset me but she would not change her actions. Im finding this all very hard.

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llareggub · 09/04/2010 16:54

Well, for what it is worth, I do think with his mother said is unforgivable. However, if you are having a baby with this man then his mother is going to be a constant in your life. It might be time to be the bigger person and put this behind you, however hard.

His mother has been totally unreasonable but I suspect that when your baby is born you might find it a little easier to put yourself in her shoes. I suspect that she sees her son has a child still and that his hopes and dreams (and hers for him) have changed now that you are pregnant.

Your life will be far easier if you can negotiate some sort of relationship with your boyfriend's mother. If you can lay out some sort of ground rules for the future, I suggest you do so. Don't forgive her and become a doormat, forgive her and carry on standing up to her.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:56

No, I don't think you can forgive and forget. But you could give her a very clear opportunity to apologize. Maybe write her a very civil, calm letter saying you feel very strongly about this, if you don't feel up to talking to her?

I would find it incredibly hard too. But she is wrong. She should never have tried to dictate to you, and you know this. So, in a way, she is in a weak position, because while one day she may realize she was wrong, you will always know it!

biddyofsuburbia · 09/04/2010 16:56

You need to talk. You haven't said what you really want, only what you think he wants. You've made him sound pretty decent - what makes you think he will not listen?

I'm not sure you should show him this, it might start the conversation off on the wrong foot. Maybe go out 'on a date' and ask him if he's prepared to listen before you say what you feel and what you want.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:58

Btw, I know it is not the same, but I have never really forgiven my mother for telling me to have an abortion, nor can I forget it. But I do manage to have her in my life, because in the end there are benefits to having her there and though I know she was wrong, I also know she had no idea of how hurtful she was being.

LoveBeingAMummy · 09/04/2010 16:59

Can you try and see it from his mums view? From what you said she is worried he is going to mess up his life by having a baby now and wants to protect him. She didn't go about it the right way, maybe he didn't either. He sounds like he's got two very strong women in his life and he needs to understand that it's not going to get any easier with a baby. Could you talk to her mother to mother and draw a line under it?

DuelingFanjo · 09/04/2010 16:59

Your choices are

Forgive and try to forget or let this effect every relationship. That between you and your partner, between your patner and his mum, his mum and her grandchild...

you don't have to be a walk-over. Your partner should be supporting you, he should be telling his mum that her apology is not good enough, but to actually move on I think you need to make some moves towards building bridges.

It's just my opinion though. I know it's hard but surely it is better that you deal with it head on while proving you aren't some kind of push over?

The thing is, she can't change her actions now can she? You want her to admit that it was a bad thing to do... she doesn't think it was befcause by her reasoning she was thinking of her son and his future. Yes it was bad but I think he behaved as badly by siding with her and perhaps he needs a big kick up the arse to show him what a mummies boy he is.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 17:00

I am finding this situation so difficult and I feel totally out of control of the whole thing. I feel like his mother is always goingto come first no matter what and it is constant cuse for arguments. the other day he said his sister was upset that i have never congratuated her on becoming an aunty?!?!?! but I have not been congratulated on becoming a mother. all very childish, I know

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LoveBeingAMummy · 09/04/2010 17:01

btw her saying sorry when she doesn't actually mean it is not going to help. much beter to know what she really thinks.

LoveBeingAMummy · 09/04/2010 17:01

They (and he) have got to get their heads around him starting his own family and growing up (hopefully)

DuelingFanjo · 09/04/2010 17:04

When is he moving in with you?

I think you need to get that sorted ASAP.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 17:04

His mother won't always come first! But if he is living at home, it'll be very hard for him to be firm with his family. Wait until he moves in with you and then see if it gets any easier: he might find then that he's more able to tell him mother to back off.

I suspect his sister was making an attempt to show you she's excited for you - clumsy, but don't let your feelings about the mum affect your feelings for the rest of his family. I think the more of them you can get on 'your' side, the better - and the sooner it will stop being a question of sides.

Btw, how have your family responded?

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 17:05

we are second viewing a flat tomoz n if the damp has been sorted then we are putting our deposit down.

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Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 17:07

my family were happy for us but upset about what I had to go through at the start with him n his family, but have never pushed him out for that

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MrsForHowLong · 09/04/2010 17:08

From a mother's point of view if either my son or daughter came home with news of a pregnancy from a very new relationship I would suggest an abortion. If upon hearing this either party were offended or upset then I would apologise...especially to a future DIL.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 17:09

That's good: support from your family must be extra important in the circs.

I am bemused that his mother cannot understand why, given you have the support of your own family, you would want someone who's been as insensitive as her trying to get in on the act. But I doubt your bf sees it like that ...

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 17:09

maybe im just being selfish. maybe i do need to see her point of view, thats just very hard when im so anti-abortion

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Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 17:11

can u talk to my bf littlereddragon lol. you speak wise words

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