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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

expecting father needs advice

202 replies

guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:04

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

OP posts:

MrsForHowLong · 10/04/2010 11:35

Oh do stop this killing a family member crap.....

foureleven · 10/04/2010 11:43

well said MRHL! Its quite insensitive bearing in mind people on here may have made that choice at some stage in their lives.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 11:48

How else should I say it? The gf in this case wants to keep her baby and therefore it is a member of the family. Other people might have made a different decision, which would be fine too, but she didn't. I'm pro-choice but everyone has to face up to what a termination actually means.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 11:51

Foureleven I fully appreciate that people make this decisions everyday which can be very hard. I fully support that people do what is best for them and their families. In this case the gf is upset that the MIL suggested it after she had already said twice that she didn't want it. Some mn's seem to think that it isn't a big deal and she is over reacting. I am only posting opinions about hot I would feel had I been put in a similar situation. i do feel it's a big deal and she has every right to be upset. Yes she still needs to build bridges but she doesn't have to do it all straight away.

foureleven · 10/04/2010 12:02

Point taken soapboxqueen.

MrsForHowLong · 10/04/2010 12:07

No, the gf is over reacting. I have no idea how people have created this image of the gf or mother from such a small amount of information.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 12:14

Quite right. The gf could be an evil manipulator worthy of Eastenders and the MIL could be Mary Poppin's better behaved cousin but people can't go around telling other people to have abortions and expect no come back.

MrsForHowLong · 10/04/2010 13:04

I'm loving that plot line SBQ!!!

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 13:06

Just wait till Joan Collins turns up with her long lost son, played by Jack Black. You won't know what hit you!

Nancy66 · 10/04/2010 13:25

Good lord this is like an episode of Jeremy kyle.

A girl who barely knows a bloke gets pregnant - the bloke's mother suggest a termination might be the way to go given that they

barely know one another
it wasn't planned
they had nowhere to live
the guy wanted to focus on building his career.

her suggestion sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible to me. You chose not to have a termination. Fair enough. but now you want to create a huge family rift.

You're about to move into a damp flat with a bloke you barely know to have a baby - and you will presumably want the paternal grandmother - the only one who seems to have an ounce of sense - to be frozen out of the picture.

I think you need to accept you had a difference of opinion, put it behind you and try and make the best of things

Angelcat666 · 10/04/2010 16:43

thesecondcoming "the op is entitled to her pro life opinion,the grandma is entitled to hers-ignoring the rights and wrongs of it and the pro life elements to this-when do you all think you 'stop' caring about your children so that a comparative strangers blanket belief becomes 'more important' than the reality of your sons life...
i am pro choice i will always care more about my own born children than an unborn 'future' one,this is why i had a termination many years ago-it would have ruined my dd1's life (and mine)"

That was your choice, it's your body so it's your decision. The bf's mother is entitled to an opinion but she is not entitled to tell the op she should have an abortion.

LadyBiscuit "If I were your boyfriend's mother I'd probably suggest the same. You fucked up by not taking additional precautions when you were on AB and then decided to go ahead with the pregnancy with no discussion from what you say. Obviously it is always ultimately the woman's decision of whether to have an abortion or not but I would be bloody furious with you."

Why didn't the bf take additional precautions? After all as it was so early on in the relationship condoms would have been a better choice as they're the only form of contraception that would protect against STDs.

As for the mother being controlling and domineering the fact that she managed to make her son do a 180 degree turn, even though he knew the strength of the op's feelings about abortion, speaks volumes.

What it all comes down to is ultimately it's the op's body and nobody has the right to tell her what to do with it.

Angelcat666 · 10/04/2010 16:45

soapboxqueen "I have to say a mother who gets involved in her sons personal relationships when he is 24 years old is controlling. She can give her opinions to her son but confronting the gf no matter how short the relationship smacks of mummy going to sort it all out for little johnny.

I've discussed this thread with my MIL and she was shocked that anyone thought they had the right to tell some one else what to do with their body. Most right minded people would ask in a gentle way what somebody was planning to do and take it from there. This really isn't about the rights and wrongs of abortion. It's about respecting a person's decision once made. Especially when it is a very important one."

I agree with every word.

Angelcat666 · 10/04/2010 16:55

soapboxqueen "Quite right. The gf could be an evil manipulator worthy of Eastenders and the MIL could be Mary Poppin's better behaved cousin but people can't go around telling other people to have abortions and expect no come back."

Exactly!

thesecondcoming · 10/04/2010 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelcat666 · 10/04/2010 17:53

I'm not encouraging the op to tell her bf to fuck his family off. There's nothing to stop him seeing his family. I just think her bf should stand up to his mother and tell her that the op deserves a genuine apology. Then the op should accept apology and start to build/mend bridges.

Wrt to the pregnancy, yes, the only one who has the right to choose what happens (not have an opinion on it - although others really should keep their opinions to themselves) is the mother to be because it's her body and no one has the right to tell her what to do with her body. No man, or any other woman, has the right to tell a woman what to do with her body.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 18:01

I think most people have agreed that she must be hurt but that she will have to build bridges for the future child's sake. Also it wasn't like she questioned them about nursery colour schemes and they disagreed is it? It was something that the gf felt strongly about when she was already in a vulnerbale state and had already made her feelings known, twice. Should the gf have gone against her own wishes and beliefs to keep someone else happy? I think such big decisions should be your own.

thesecondcoming · 10/04/2010 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soapboxqueen · 10/04/2010 18:13

She can share her opinion with her own family and friends. She didn't have to confront the gf with it. The bf shouldn't need to choose between his family and his pregnant gf but if he does it is because of the MIL thoughtless actions not the gf. Hopefully it will all work itself out. You're quite right, it's a difficult situation for the MIL to be in but I would hope to make the best of it by not being so disrespectful and crass to my son's gf in the first place.

JaneS · 10/04/2010 18:24

Nancy, your summary ignores the fact that the gf had already decided to have her baby. Quite a major point to overlook, I think! OP has said she is 4.5 months pregnant - there is no point in you or anyone else speculating about abortion now, and it's surely only going to be hurtful.

sungirltan · 10/04/2010 18:34

cripes. has the op run away from thr wasps nest?

op - my fried had this situation when she was preg with her dd2. paternal grandma told her to get rid etc etc. dd2 is now 2.6 and they are all best friends and grandma helps shed loads with childcare. your gf and your mum will come around but don't try and froce the issue whilst gf is pregnant - she has enough on her mind. just be patient x

posieparker · 10/04/2010 18:59

I can't imagine the mother said it yesterday, she probably said it when confronted with the news. Unless the mother is a very brave bitch I would imagine she was presented with uncertainties except that this girl was pg...it would be difficult to believe anyone would 'tell' someone to get an abortion when they were talking about the baby they were having....

I am not sure I would consider someone a gf deserving of special consideration and respect at 3 months into a relationship. I would still think, if I were his mother, that they were just seeing if they liked eachother.

MorrisZapp · 10/04/2010 23:00

FWIW I don't believe the OP is real anyway but this is obviously a debate that touches many.

I think it is entirely normal for many parents when faced with their kid's unplanned pregnancy in less then great circumstances to mention abortion.

My sister got pg with the worst boyfriend in the world, they had no money, sis was very young, etc. My parents supported her decision to have the baby, but at the very beginning they did gently tell her that she didn't have to go through with it if she didn't want to.

But she did want to, and from that moment on my parents just looked forward to their 1st grandchild, who was born to more adulation and worship than the messiah.

I personally think it is wildly unfair and unreasonable to suggest that anybody who mentions abortion in the early stages of a pregnancy should be condemned forever for it. Abortion is a choice that many people do make, and is a reasonable thing to discuss if the pg is causing worry, upset etc.

It doesn't mean that you won't love the baby when it arrives - that is a whole different thing.

LadyBiscuit · 10/04/2010 23:12

Angelcat666 - it's the OP's body. But the baby that comes out of it won't just be hers will it? Like I said earlier, I absolutely agree that it's always the woman's ultimate choice - she is the one that has to bear the child after all.

And yes, in an ideal world, men would take greater responsibility for contraception. But frankly if I'd relied on them I would have been pregnant twice as many times as I have been. And as for the STD point, condoms provide better protection but it was a mutual choice not to use them surely? I think a lot of men (in my experience) assume women don't want to have a baby with a man they barely know any more than they do. So it's not entirely unreasonable for the man to expect that when a woman tells him she's taking the pill and pregnancy isn't going to happen, he believes her. And the poor bloke is only 22 - getting wise takes a while.

elru · 10/04/2010 23:19

Hmmn perhaps there is an underlying issue - maybe your mum just does not feel mentally ready to be a grandmother for you or your sister - point out that when the baby comes she may feel different and her choice is to buck her ideas up now or hope that your gf is a forgiving person when the baby comes - focus on on your gf and pregnancy and let your mum work out her own issues things are happening in YOUR life whetehr she lies it or not.

blueshoes · 10/04/2010 23:40

Agree with nancy66. A breath of fresh air.

If I was the guy's mother, I would suggest the same thing, perhaps not to her face, but it would be certainly something I would broach with my son. I would not know who this lady is from Eve except she has been seeing my son for 3 months - all options need to be discussed.

I see the OP is now lying low. I personally wasn't too impressed with the guy-turned-girl confession.

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