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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

expecting father needs advice

202 replies

guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:04

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

OP posts:
Headbanger · 09/04/2010 16:11

You do sound like a nice fellow, I must say [soppy MNer emoticon].

But you probably do need to grow up. That's not an insult, by any stretch of the imagination: none of us should just stop maturing, whatever age we get to. Well done on taking responsibility for the practical side of things, and (as everyone has said!) congratulations!

The growing up that needs doing is the hardest, I think, because it is emotional. When you've been dependent on parents all your life, and driven or motivated by what they want you to do, it's terribly difficult to change everything and realise that you now have responsibilities that come way before your Mum. She's no doubt struggling with that too - in the course of a few days she's lost her place as 'top tog', so to speak.

Reassuring your girlfriend that she and your little family are now number one will go much further than meals out (though that is very thoughtful of you).

You're absolutely going to have to insist that your Mum a) makes a proper apology, and b) accepts that things have changed. If you don't do it now, resentment will linger on, on both sides.

Blimey. Good luck!

cocolepew · 09/04/2010 16:11

Why? were you planning on being a stay at home Dad?

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:12

Don't worry, there are loads of people on here who've juggled careers and babies!

The point that is important, though, is that no matter what your mum's concerns, what she said was completely wrong. She is right to be concerned for you, and even to have strong opinions - but she should never have tried to tell another adult, a pregnant woman, what to do with her body.

Does that make sense?

soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 16:13

I would be hard pushed to forgive someone who wanted me to get rid of my baby no matter what the circumstances. I would feel betrayed and that I was having to defend my baby against its own family.

I think you need to give your gf time and back away from the subject to be honest. Your mum might want to help out and be with the baby but it's not about what she wants. She's the one who has created this problem.

It might take a really long time but you have to let your gf take the lead. Let her be in control. Tell her that you really want your mum to be in the baby's life but that you are going to follow her lead and only when she is comfortable will you allow your mother to help out with the baby. Then leave the subject alone. If you push her she's going to feel like she's being ganged up on again and she'll back away further.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:14

No i was not planning to be a stay a home dad but my mum was worried that because a baby needs to be number 1 that my career would take a back seat and I have worked very hard for it

OP posts:
cocolepew · 09/04/2010 16:18

Ok, but your mum could maybe keep some of her opinions to herself. I know she only wants the best for you, but you can't live your life with what your parents want, and she needs to recognise this.

You're a big boy now

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2010 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:19

I can really see all three sides of this. There are some people who never really understood about abortion. The mum here probably doesn't think she was being unpleasant at all, so it's her son's job to explain to her how wrong she is (not just to wait for her to realize). My mum would never have acknowledged that an abortion was anything but a minor decision similar to having a tooth pulled, and the obvious choice unless one were married with a stable income. It sounds baffling, but if the mum in this situation is like that, she probably wasn't trying to be cruel.

giveitago · 09/04/2010 16:20

Guy - if it's any consolation I had my kid in my late thirties and prior to that I had no idea or interest in children. A few years on I'm more focussed and motivated than at any other time in my life - having a child makes you want to be the best you can be.

I can be done.

My advice is to focus on the expecation of having a little you - enjoy the experience and get on in your career the fruits of which will will help your child and increase your self esteem.

A baby needs to be no. 1 but this means looking after the child, happiness, security, getting an income. You can be a good parent and have a career too.

SlackSally · 09/04/2010 16:26

I have to say, I really don't understand the vitriol towards the mother here. If I understand the OP correctly, what she did was suggest to the girlfriend that she might think of having an abortion.

It may be insensitive, and of course ultimately none of her business, but I hardly think it makes her a wicked grandmother. Especially as the baby clearly wasn't planned.

Guy and his girlfriend decided that they weren't going to have an abortion. Problem over, surely? A lot of people in the OP's situation would have had an abortion. I don't really get why it's such a bad thing to have said. It's not like she marched her down to the clinic or threatened to disown her son.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:30

CONFESSION!!!!

Hi people,

I have a confession to make, I am actually the girlfriend of guy. I wanted to write this from his point of view to see if I was in the wrong as I was worried people would just agree with my point of view if I was to write that.

x

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 16:33

Slacksally if my mil had suggested it to me, planned or unplanned pregnancy, she would be the wicked grandmother and she'd be lucky to see either of us again.

I appreciate that not everyone would see it like that but I feel quite strongly about abortion. I'm not religious and I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. It's just not for me.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:33

That's sort of what I was getting at. It was, as you say, none of her business and clearly quite wrong given the gf was pro-life and had already made up her mind. But I suspect the mum is more oblivious than malicious - the non-apology the OP describes that she made suggests she doesn't really see why the gf is upset.

I do think though that the gf needs a proper apology here. If I were pregnant and thinking happily about my baby, it'd be horrible to hear someone mention abortion, even in the most cautious way - and telling a pregnant adult to whom you're not related that 'an abortion would be best' is hardly cautious!

The mum probably just needs educating a bit but she sounds like 101 other well-meaning, overbearing/insensitive mums that get mentioned on here every few days tba.

biddyofsuburbia · 09/04/2010 16:33

Good luck Guy123, like many posters have said I can kind of see this from all sides, but your mum was a bit blunt from the sounds of it. If your girlfriend is happy to have the baby and you are happy to have the baby you are adults and it is your decision and your responsibility. If she has come to accept your decision now, great, but it may take your gf some time to accept that your mum is really going to support you both.

Pregnancy can sometimes leave women feeling more emotional than usual and very usually very protective of their unborn child, who they see from very early on as real person/baby, not an embryo or foetus. Your girlfriend probably feels that your mum was attacking her and the baby. She's not going to want to put herself back in the firing line too quickly.

You sound like a decent chap, it's good to keep focussed on your career and hopefully provide a decent standard of living for your child. Like others have said parenthood and a career are not mutually exclusive and now you've got an extra incentive to do well! Hopefully once baby arrives you'll be able to make sure you've got enough time for both.

My advice to you is to take your gf somewhere nice, put your own ideas and feelings to one side and really listen to what she has to say and how she feels. Don't argue, just listen and make sure she knows that she and the baby are your number one priority and that you have really understood what she has to say. When she feels really secure and supported by you, and that you are a team first - with or without either of your families, she may be more likely to re-engage with your mother.

soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 16:33

Guy123 you sneeky thing. I was wondering

RedNinaBlue · 09/04/2010 16:34

What your mother is proposing sounds a lot like trying to buy her way into the baby's life without having to go through the indignity of properly aplogising for her previous actions. I'm not surprised your girlfriend feels uncomfortable about it.

Your mother maybe does not realise that she has put herself in a very difficult position: your girlfriend has very real reasons not to facilitate her seeing her future grandchild; and to not speak fondly about Grandma to the child, since this is the woman who expressly asked to have him/her aborted. Can you point this out to your mother fgs WITHOUT making it sound like a threat? She does need to realise how much hurt she has caused your gilfriend, and how this will have negative lifelong repercussions, for her and for your child, unless she does the decent thing now and makes a heartfelt apology, saying out loud that she really wants this grandchild in her life rather than buying a nursery set, and overtly remaining on her position that she was right to go over and ask another woman to abort.

Speaking from personal experience: my grandmother gave my mother every reason to hate her before I was born. My mother never stopped my grandmother having lots of contact with me, but her feelings were obvious, and so I too never grew fond of my grandmother -- not even close. Is that really what your mother wants for herself and her grandchild?

I really hope you can work it out.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:34

Oh, wow, ok. Yeah, guy123 (girl123), you're quite right to be upset!

Congratulations on the pregnancy

biddyofsuburbia · 09/04/2010 16:35

ooh - you fooled me guy123! Thought it was rather clever of the boyfriend to come to mumsnet!

startagain · 09/04/2010 16:37

I'm not sure that's the best way to go about it, can you really speak for you boyfriend?

I was going to say, Time will be a great healer for this one.
You will make it up with MIL, and she will apologise. Her instincts have been to protect her son( and you) from making a big mistake. She's gone about it the wrong way.
Many people think 22/24 is too young for to have children these days. And this belief is very strong.
My SIL started their family when she was 22, and a lot of people thought they were crazy, and openly said it.

RedNinaBlue · 09/04/2010 16:37

Whoops posted after confession,

Guy123: you do also have the option of being a real, live saint and forgiving all, in order to allow a healthier relationship between your child and his/her grandmother to develop, if the grandmother never does get around to swallowing her pride.

doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 16:37

Are you going to show him this thread then? Hope you are all right.

RedNinaBlue · 09/04/2010 16:39

...and congratulations!

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:40

Thank you littlereddragon

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 09/04/2010 16:42

So he's a nice guy, just needs to stand up for you a bit more. IMO

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