expecting father needs advice

[guy123]

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

I don't think selfishness comes into it. You are upset, and I don't think anyone thinks you're being unreasonable about that. It's more about what will be the best course of action given that this woman is your partner's mum and your child's grandmother.

Good luck with the flat-hunting too.

My (male) friend was in this position, his mum was very against the pregnancy and was unkind about and to his girlfriend. His girlfriend behaved AMAZINGLY, she was polite, clear about her views, but didn't engage in any arguing or defensiveness. She was, of course, very hurt but said that for her partner and baby's sake she wanted to maximise the chance of them all being able to get on in the future. Thankfully, when the baby was born, her grandmother realised that she was a treasure, not an abstract problem, and behaved completely differently. She never apologised though! The DIL was generous, never reproached her, and now they have a warm enough relationship. Being right and taking offence is so tempting in the short term, but if you can, be the bigger person, for your own self respect, your boyfriend and your baby. Congratulations and I hope things sort themselves out soon.

Im not sure I could forgive his mums comments if I was you, and definitely without an apology.. I don't think there's anything to justify her greeting your news with suggestion of having an abortion, whether she is worried about his career or whatever that response is just totally out of line, and your boyfriend really needs to understand that. Hopefully it will be better once you have moved into your flat together so you will be more of a family unit and he will stand up to his mum a bit. I would want some space from his family personally, if they are acting like that. He should explain 2 his mum if you need some space from her as you dont find it that easy to just forgive and forget her comment. Also think its really out of order for the mil to suggest abortion, then just without apologising start saying she is going 2 buy the nursery and all that? So yanbu to feel annoyed, and his mum needs to realise that an apology is in order if she wants you to accept her as part of your babies life imo. How can you just ignore and move on from such a comment without an apology.. she told you to kill your child its quite a big deal!! Also i dont think 22 and 24 is too young for kids at all and it seems that his parents are treating you like babies yourselves, which you are not. So you may have to be aware of that if she starts interfering with the baby, believing that you and the dad are just children yourselves so need "help" from her, if its unwanted just put a stop to it from the start. I know you didnt mention that but as I also has a mil who seems to think me & dh are children and treats like that I thought I would just add it.
Imo you would be better just keep this mil at a distance untill you feel you can forgive this comment and move on, however long that is, and just get on with it yourselves don't rely on her for anything if she can't understand that you are both adults and your baby is your priority.
And congratulations btw!!

Cross-posted with you above and didn't see your last post: Thanks! You are very kind.

I really don't think the mother was out of order, but the bf is rather childish telling you. She didn't say kill a child.....good gracious. For people that don't have views on abortion like that it ios simply the solution to ruining a chosen path in life without children yet....
His mother does need to say sorry and you all need to move on.

You are bringing her grandchild into the world and your bf needs to make a smooth path for both of you. She will probably make a good grandparent and you can't deprive your child of that because you have stronger views on abortion than she does.

hello guy/girl123

coming at this from the viewpoint that when i was preg with my first baby my OWN mum told me to get an abortion! she was actually quite insistent about it, i was at uni, dp was only 21 and also at uni, she thought it was a really bad idea for us to have a baby and went on and on about an abortion.

this was and still is very upsetting to me, tbh even after TEN years. in the end my dad told her to shut up and that dp and i would do what we wanted. we are still together, have FOUR gorgeous boys and are expecting again (my mum doesnt know yet as she will be furious)

anyway enough about me, but what i will say is that i have never cleared the air with my mum about her 'suggestion' and it still bugs me now, more so because i know that if she knew about my current pregnancy she would probably suggest the same thing

i think it may be worth you being very brave and going to talk to his mother, say you are HUGELY upset by her suggestion, it was not her place to suggest the abortion, but unfortunatly people do say these things.

you say she wants to buy nursery stuff? this may actually be something you can do together, yes you are cross, but what is said is said, you ARE having this baby and she will be the grandmother. take some time, talk to her, explain how you feel etc and maybe she will suprise you, she obviously does want to be involved in the preparations for the baby and be a granny to it once its born, so if you talk to her on your own and take that first step she may actually see that you are grown up and responsible and that you and her son can do this!! i have no doubt that you can btw but she obviously has her doubts.

congratulations and good luck xxx

I have to disagree with MFHL, the mother was out of order. Her views on abortion are irrelevant, she has no right to tell you to have an abortion.

Given the further info, including her half-arsed 'apology', I think that in the end all you can really do is move on. Many mothers in law have said this over the years; my paternal GM said this to my mum when this happened to them, years ago. You're not the first and won't be the last. I think if you hold on to this too much you will just be going down a blind alley.

I also think it's a gradual process of your boyfriend seeing you and eventually the baby as his family. Of course he doesn't really, at the moment. The baby isn't even a reality yet. I remember when my ds was born, OK I was really thrilled to have him but it took a while before I loved him like the deep love I had for my own family; and that's not uncommon - I had a little baby stranger as opposed to my mum, dad and brother who I'd loved for 30 odd years. Within a very short time of course I'd have happily trodden over them all to save my ds

but what I'm saying is, don't expect too much of your boyfriend - he needs imo to experience you being his family before he can truly show you are his priority

I'm not saying let him off the hook I'm just saying where I think he may be coming from. Of course he does need to sort the flat, get you both settled etc.

I guess I'm just saying don't punish him and his mother too much for where they have been coming from. Yes they need to shape up but they, like you I guess, have to get used to this surprise situation.

Did the mother go on and on then or make a suggestion? For some people, myself included, abortion is no big deal.

You mother told your girlfriend to kill her unborn child....I think it will be along long time before your girlfriend gets past that.

If she ever gets past it you will be lucky. This is your time and your girlfriends time enjoy it, the wider family do not matter much right now, becoming a parent means putting your child first and your relationship with the mother of that child before your own relationship with your own mother

Erm... Abortion is a big deal. It's not like cancelling a train ticket. I think your last comment MrsForHowLong says more about you than anything else.

If your mum hasnt apologised and made a big effort to make things right then no way should your girlfriend move on. I beleive it is every women's right to chose if to keep a baby or have an abortion. For another woman to try to force their opinion on the matter is just awful.

Its a bit Victorian trying to make some one have an abortion isnt it?

From your mums point of view though, although she should have kept her opinion to herself, I can see why she is worried. Her little boy is going to have a baby with a woman she hardly knows - scary stuff.

You're mum is only human and therefore flawed so if she has made peace with your girlfriend and apologised for her initial behaviour your girlfriend should really take the olive branch I beleive.

I am pro choice...but it has to be the parents to be (of not be) that make the choice, not the MIL

Just another little addage. At the moment I would imagine that your mum is more dear to your heart than your unborn child or your girlfriend.

But further down the line, maybe once baby's here, and when you get to know your girlfriend properly and proper love sets in - you will care less about hwat your mum thinks as your family will be the three of you.

...thinking about it thats probably what your mum is scared of.

(still no excuse for the Victorian behaviour though!)

Are you mad about the bf changing his mind about the baby and asked you to consider an abortion because of his mother's influence?
If so, you are dead right.

The idea that your mother will choose and buy the nursery stuff is more of the same, imo. Same goes with his rationalisation of his mother's concern for his 'career'.

And are you interpreting his anxiety to have you smooth things over with his mother as an example of him bending over backwards to make mummy happy and being willing to throw you and your feelings under the bus?
Again, you are right to be worried if so.

Fact is, he letting his mother interfere in your relationship with you. She is Trouble. She represents a huge danger to your relationship with your bf, which is now the most important relationship her son has. He and mummy are finished as a couple, and they have been since you got pg.

He needs to choose now between his mother and you and the baby. And he needs to make it absolutely clear to his mother, in a showdown if necessary, that he chooses you and the baby, and his mother is to butt out of yours and his business. He needs to move out asap. It should be his first priority. Right now, he is living as a child, with the same expectations a child has about pleasing and placating mummy, and getting treated like a child by her. And apparently, he doesn't recognise this, which is a huge red flag.

You're not being one bit unreasonable in expecting him to cut the emotional apron strings. He is being an immature idiot to allow his mother to dominate him like this.

Someone like your bf is not going to grow up overnight, Girl123. I think you have a mummy's boy on your hands. I think you need to put your foot down and let the chips fall where they may. There are not many worse things than the prospect of spending your adult life competing with a domineering MIL.

Good luck.

I think you're expecting way too much. Yes he made a mistake and was influenced by his mother but up until now that HAS been (probably still is) his closest strongest bond.

The bond with the girlfriend and surprise baby will grow and strengthen (and of course if it doesn't, eventually that is an issue) but I really think it's no help to expect ultimatums, show downs, and this man to 100% cut ties with his mother....it's not so cut and dried in reality usually, ime.

He has shown as far as he can that he is 'choosing' his GF and baby; setting up home etc. The rest will grow and follow, if he is decent and really loves her. and I don't think it's helpful to be so 'soap opera' about it

No, abortion for some people is not a big deal.... it is important OP sees that or she/he will think it's coming from a very nasty place. Honestly how many of us would worry for our sons if a new gf got pregnant? I would. I would think the likelihood of a long term relationship rather lower than a couple that took their time and waited.

BF needs to put his mother in her place but she has probably always come first and most men have a little more time before the responsibilities of a baby to demote their mother to second place!! Like have a serious long term relationship first. The mother of this boy needs reminding, by her son, that she is no longer the most important woman in his life...but first he needs to believe it. Given the rush of all of this everyone needs time.

CBTS....you talk much sense.

Sorry. How can please get rid of your baby not be nasty? The mother can want the best for her son all she wants but she is selling her grandchild down the road to do it.

'everyone needs time'. Exactly MrsFor. I can't imagine how many countless men/MIL over the years have blurted out this desperate wish for a scary situation to go away. Mostly things become ok over time, though I'm not saying anyone ever forgets that their MIL asked them to abort!

I just don't think that in this scenario there are any real villains, just people getting used to a surprise situation.

Sorry but some people don't see it like that. Perhaps someone can point me to the bit where the mother asked the pregnant gf to abort her baby. I understood she told her son and her son courageously passed it on.

It's the about turn on the question of abortion by the bf, under the influence of the mother, that I would be worried about, though. It could have been about any matter, not necessarily abortion, although the possible abortion of your own baby is a big thing to be so wishy washy about. The only thing he doesn't seem to be ambivalent about is the really important place of Mother in his life.

"My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best."

Both happened. He passed the message on and the mum spoke to her separately.

I think everyone has diffefrent viewpoints on this Soapboxqueen, no-one is right or wrong. As such we can't judge others' opinions and it would be ignorant to do so. I think it is important for the OP (congrats by the way! I'm 6 months, v exciting) to understand that to her MIL it might not be the horrific all consuming sin that it is to her. This might make it easier to understand her, and long-term...to forgive. I doubt she meant any malice, and it is the intention that is as important as the deed, if you see what I mean. I know what she did was wrong and I am not at all deriding the OP's upset or right to that upset, just trying to show that perhaps it is surmountable. Her partner was probably just freaking out and looked to his mum for support, 24 is still young enough to freak out and not always know your own mind.