expecting father needs advice

[guy123]

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

Im confused isnt the OP the boyfriend not the pregnant partner?

YABU Your mother tried to pressure your GF into an abortion I don't blame her for not wanting your family to be part of her life whilst she is pregnant especially as she will be aware that it is an unwanted grandchild.

foureleven in her post on Fri 09-Apr-10 at 16:30:13 she confessed she was actually "she" not he

Oh no I see. Damn, and I pride myself on thorough post reading too

It's a long thread, we've all done it. Me too often

I'm a bit confused by the turn this thread's taken.

The OP (for clarity: she is the girlfriend) had made up her mind to keep her baby and was, in any case, against abortion. At this point, boyfriend's mum came in and said that abortion would be 'for the best'.

Now, I am pro-choice and tend to be irritated by people who don't bother to read their contraception instructions - but this woman wasn't in the stage of wondering what to do about a baby, she already knew! So how is it the boyfriend's mother's job to put the case to her so categorically?

And what on earth impelled the bf to change his mind so completely about the baby and second his mother's suggestion?

I think the MIL ran a concerted campaign to: PLAN A - get the bf to make the gf abort the baby, both through her suggestion/instruction, by influencing the bf to be her mouthpiece and by trying to convince him that his career was going to suffer terribly (presumably if the wicked gf 'trapped' him with a baby) or
PLAN B - make the gf so mad with the bf over the abortion, the refusal to apologise, and the nursery furniture thing that she would dump him and MIL would have Mummy's Boy all to herself again.

Girlfriend, run for the hills. If your bf is worth anything, he'll come running after you. If you don't make him choose, he will spend his life without the gumption to choose, and you will always take second place.

I do think OP comes across as a petulant teen.

I don't think it's any great leap for the mother to suggest a way out for her son and then when it's not taken to fully immerse herself into being a grandparent.

mrsforhowlong

the thing is that the girlfirend had made her feelings on abortion perfectly clear

the mother then still suggested she had one and also persuaded her son to suggest it too.

at that point they both clearly knew how the girlfriend felt about abortion, I can see why she is upset.

I do think that at some point though OP, you will have to just let it go as she is unlikely to properly apologise and will probably make a good grandma. But I think it is fair enough that you keep your distance and let her do the running but accept any effort she makes.

No, I think it's more likely that the girlfriend told her new boyfriend about how she felt about abortion. The mother still suggested it. I would be very surprised if the mother had even met her that much as they were only three months into the relationship. I would be suggesting the same.

I think this is a very big, convenient fuss, over very little. I am very suspicious of this OP, she gets pregnant with a man she barely knows, has no fear or reservations about the relationship or impending baby and tries to get her new boyfriend to dump his family. If this was a man trying to be so controlling so early on we would all be warning the woman about this man.

that was to gingernutlover.

If I were your boyfriend's mother I'd probably suggest the same. You fucked up by not taking additional precautions when you were on AB and then decided to go ahead with the pregnancy with no discussion from what you say. Obviously it is always ultimately the woman's decision of whether to have an abortion or not but I would be bloody furious with you.

But that's where you are and I don't think it's at all helpful for this to be escalated into a Montagu/Capulet-type melodrama which is what your assumed identity in the OP followed by your confession was doing. The road ahead is going to be a hard one. The relationship may not work out. How is you going to cope if he leaves? Or if he's working very long hours and you are basically alone with a small baby 24/7? What support networks do you have in place? Worst case scenario planning when you're having an unplanned baby in an untested relationship is a good idea.

So my advice would be to swallow your pride and build bridges with your MIL - you are going to need all the help you can get. She'll come round in the end and if she's offering to fork out big wedge (and to be honest you need nothing for a nursery - please spend your cash wisely) then don't spurn her.

Having said all that, his sister sounds like a silly cow. Good luck

ah, okay fair point

so then the mother was unaware of the girlfriends feelings .... but the boyfriend was very clearly aware of them? Maybe it was him who was in the wrong then for not making this clear to his mother from the outset, or maybe he did?

Like I said, it all really needs to be forgotten at some point, family is important when you have a baby

"girl123 - I suspect your MIL is always going to be opinionated, controlling and domineering."

That's a massive leap to make and not a very helpful comment. We don't know the MIL is like this, all we know is that she is upset at this situation and IMO that is not unreasonable.

Her son is young, so is the OP, they have not been together very long, they have no home and are probably of limited means and they are going to become parents.

Now this is not always a barrier to a successful partnership or family life, but often it is. I think the mother is allowed to be worried.

She may have gone over the top in calling for an abortion but an abortion isn't going to happen is it. The OP is going ahead with the pregnancy and the mother is going to be a grandmother whether she likes it or not.

However, once the baby arrives she may be over the moon and want to help but my worry is that the OP is going to stick to her guns, continue to resent the hell out of the mother for expressing an opinion and brand her as opinionated, controlling and domineering for the rest of their relationship.

This is no way to proceed if only of the sake of the baby.

My advice OP is that you do the grown up thing, bite the bullet and go and see the mother. Tell her how upset you were by the abortion comment but request that for the sake of the baby you all work together and get along.

Open an honest dialogue with her. Go direct, don't use her son as a go-between. If you have this baby you and her are connected.

It's a big, brave step to take and you have to put your ego aside to make it. The pay off could be great though, a supportive relationship with your "MIL". If it isn't and then by all means post again and say "told you so".

AccioPinotGrigio _ I wasn't trying to be unhelpful. I read the whole thread and every comment made by her.

Perhaps I am making an assumption and she is a wonderful, caring, supportive mother. If that's true OP I apologise unreservedly but I was trying to be supportive of the OP and trying to tell her that you can rub along with difficult people, as I have to with my MIL.

BTW I'm not the only one who has called her controlling who has been following this thread from the beginning and has posted on here

I have to say a mother who gets involved in her sons personal relationships when he is 24 years old is controlling. She can give her opinions to her son but confronting the gf no matter how short the relationship smacks of mummy going to sort it all out for little johnny.

I've discussed this thread with my MIL and she was shocked that anyone thought they had the right to tell some one else what to do with their body. Most right minded people would ask in a gentle way what somebody was planning to do and take it from there. This really isn't about the rights and wrongs of abortion. It's about respecting a person's decision once made. Especially when it is a very important one.

I don't think it's controlling if you think your son has been manipulated into becoming a father to a child he doesn't want to a woman he barely knows. I know it's down to biology but I do get despondent about the overriding belief on MN that continuing with a pregnancy is solely the mother's decision. It's the other side of the coin of absent fathers I think - either we expect men to be jointly involved in deciding whether to have a child from the outset and then be involved all the way down the line or we put them firmly into second place. You can't have it both ways.

Oh and before anyone leaps on me, I do believe that it's ultimately the woman's choice but it sounds as though options weren't even discussed in this scenario.

Thesecondcoming you would be entitled to your own opinion with regards to your children but not their partners. Love for a son means that you have to respect the decisions he has made and support him in it. Not fight his battles or make decisions for him that are not your place to make. He decided to sleep with this girl and he has to bare the consequences.

LadyBiscuit, I know this is a tricky subject because fathers should have rights too. Personally I think if you have sex you need to realise that a child could result. Don't want to take that chance then don't have sex. It really is that simple. I feel this because the other options are forcing women to have unwanted abortions or unwanted pregnancies.

But you don't have to agree with someone to respect that they have different views. Joining two families together (which is what happens when you have a baby) imo means you have to attempt to resolve things. Give her one more chance its up to her to do the same. At the end of the day it will be her that misses out if she doesn't take it.

Er no. What I said was if you are going to have sex you have to realise that it is a possibility. Nobody has a right to sex. You won't die if you don't get it. Nobody said he had to ditch his family either. But you are suggesting that he should kill a family member because it's not 'the right time'. He could always not sleep with strangers or get his mum to vet them first.