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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

expecting father needs advice

202 replies

guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:04

Hi there, i am 22 and found out around 4 months ago that my girlfriend is expecting our first baby. We had not been together long when we found out and it was a bit of a shock, however, I was willing to do my best and stand by her. I told my family the news of the baby and my mums reaction was not to be desired, she believed it was the wrong time and that my girlfriend should have an abortion, bare in mind my girlfriend has already said previous to this that abortion was out of the question as she did not believe in it. After hearing my mums opinion, I became confused and did suggest an abortion to my girlfriend, she got very upset and refused. My mum also spoke to my girlfriend and told her that an abortion would be best. This upset my girlfriend even more as she said she is 24 and not 14 and should not be told what to do by my mum and that the thought of abortion made her feel sick. After much arguing and confusion I decided to stick by my girlfriend, however, she is still not in contact with my mum. She says she is hurt and needs time, but I am upset as I want to be able to share this time with my family and dont feel I can do so with my girlfriend not having a relaionship with them. My girlfriend gets very angry about the situation and refuses to rush any form of reconciliation. Am I expecting too much from her? what should I expect? Please help!!

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 09/04/2010 15:32

I absolutely agree with lisianthus. The girlfriend didn't create this situation so it shouldn't be up to her to sort it out so that other people can feel better.

doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 15:32

First, congratulations guy123 on your expected baby!

You sound like you are really trying hard and taking on board your responsibilities but unfortunately there is no magic wand you can wave now to make things better between your girlfriend and your mother. It needs time and the matter might not settle down until some time after your child is born.

With unexpected pregnancies, I always think I would rather be expectant grandmother on the mum's side rather than the dad's as if you annoy your daughter then hopefully you have a good chance she will come round and your grandchild will be in your life, but if you annoy your son's partner then it is harder to be so sure about that. Your mum needs to make reconciliatory approaches to your girlfriend rather than the other way around.

Give it time to sink in, it's amazing how much difference a child in tha family can make. My own mother-in-law was absolutely overwhelmed by her love for her grandchildren, she didn't have any before we had children and so she didn't realise what to expect.

As other people have said, bear in mind your family is now your girlfriend and child.

Good luck with it all, babies are great.

Lulumaam · 09/04/2010 15:33

yikes.. your mum does not seem to really take on board how utterly offensive this is

how is your GF going to feel when the baby is here and your mum wants to be grandma?

your mum needs to make a full and unreserved apology

and you need to ensure your girlfriend feels you support her and will be there for her regardless of your mum's opinions

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 15:33

Exactly lisianthus

I also agree with those who say you sound like you need to grow up a bit.

Fwiw I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant with my first.

doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 15:33

Also, it's really nice how you said "expecting our first baby" in your first post - it's clear you are a family guy at heart.

doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 15:35

I think he is quite grown-up at 22 really, can't we make some allowances for the shock to the system?

JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:36

Oooh, yes, doingthelambethwalk is right - I forgot to say congratulations!

odette123 · 09/04/2010 15:40

Well he wasn't using any form of protection / contraception, he said he was happy initially and then did a 360 after his Mum pronounced her verdict and after 4 months it's still not sorted as he seems unable to stand up to either his mother or his girlfriend so no, I think a grow up is completely in order

odette123 · 09/04/2010 15:42

Erm that should have been 180 not 360 as that would take him back where he started obviously...

darcymum · 09/04/2010 15:42

You haven't said how your mums now feels about all this, you seem from your tone to want you girlfriend to forgive and forget while your mum does nothing. You also sound a bit scared of your mum and I would guess still live with her, is that right?

I think you need to cut the apron strings stop caring so much about what your mum thinks and start thinking about the baby. If your mum is like this now imagine how much more she will poke her nose in when the baby is born.

A bit harsh I know, but good luck and congratulations on the baby.

Angelcat666 · 09/04/2010 15:43

At the very least he needs to learn to stand up to his mum and not let her talk him into things.

giveitago · 09/04/2010 15:46

My view and only my view.

A few of us have mother in law problems - it's bad enough them undermining our parenting but it's truly horrible for a women to advise another to have an abortion (or indeed to keep a child) - it's not your mum's business to tell another woman, particularly one not related to her, what to do with her body and her unborn child.

You say you were caught unawares but your mother is thinking in her and your interests only and it's set up a situation that when the baby is born your current girlfriend, if still stung, might stop your mum, a woman you clearly love, from seeing baby.

Unfortunately you are in the hot seat now. Priority is to see this pregancy through and have lovely little child who is innocent in all this. At the same time you need to tackle your mother on this issue and I hope you can do it in a way that ensures that this baby can benefit from all the family around around him/her.

But right now you have a pregnant partner who needs your support - not a partner who goes running off to mum when things get tough, particularly one who doesn't support the idea of her son being an adult in this.

doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 15:50

He knows he's messed up - he's obviously new to mumsnet or he wouldn't go in AIBU as he'd know that's where people go to be flamed - can't we be more specific?

For example "grow up" might mean:

  • try to earn money (he says he's doing that, working all hours)
  • try to sort out accommodation (he says he's doing that)

We have suggested he leaves this disagreement with his mother alone for now and focus on his girlfriend and baby. What do we mean by that?

guy123, I might suggest:

  • tell your girlfriend she comes first and you will not let your mother bully her either before or after the baby is born
  • make nice meals for your girlfriend
  • show her you know how to use the washing machine etc. (sorry if this one comes across as patronising but my husband did not know how to use our 4 year old hoover!)
  • take a paediatric first aid course and maybe a baby care course (like this one
  • look into birthing courses, read up on childbirth (but don't scare yourself silly looking at any photos!) take an interest in how you can help with labour such as doing a practice run to the hospital birth ward, finding out about positions to hold a labouring woman up in, finding out about massaging her back in labour.
  • talk to your girlfriend about things you will need for the baby, and maybe see if your mother would like to help with buying the cot or something (but she would have to go with your girlfriend's choice)
JaneS · 09/04/2010 15:53

Yes - and do the fun stuff too, like talking about baby names and so on!

Btw, how far along is your girlfriend?

doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 15:54

And watch Knocked Up but not with your girlfriend probably!!

ItsSocky123Again · 09/04/2010 15:58

I agree with everything all my imaginary friends have said on this thread.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 15:58

Yes I do live at home with my mum and dad at the moment but as i said I am sorting a flat. I have tried to make my gf feel better by taking her for meals etc but our time spent together is limited due to my job as I work long hours and am tired alot. My mum wants to be a part of the baby's life, she wants to buy the nursery but my gf does not feel comftable with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:00

she was on the pill but was on antibiotics so it all messed up and she got pregnant

OP posts:
cocolepew · 09/04/2010 16:00

You mum has to make a proper apology to your GF, she isn't a child and your mum needs to know she has to treat her as an adult. Not just now but also when the baby is born.

Congratulations BTW.

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:01

she is 4 n a half months

OP posts:
doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 16:02

Not surprised your gf is uncomfortable about that, it is weird to have someone else's taste in your new home and when you are pregnant the nesting feeling is so strong you want to do all that kind of thing yourself really.

JaneS · 09/04/2010 16:04

Well, if your gf doesn't feel comfortable maybe leave it for now? There will be plenty of other expenses later that your mum could contribute to.

I have to say, it sounds to me as if your mum is getting her way rather a lot. She's decided she now wants 'in' with the baby plans and thinks if she offers to pay for the nursery then it won't matter that she made the original suggestion that upset your girlfriend so much.

Obviously it is very difficult if you are living with your parents, for you to cold-shoulder them. The sooner you're in the flat the better, I think.

I'm sure your mum is just trying to look after you, but she's coming across here as very controlling - it's crass to offer an expensive present like the nursery so soon after upsetting your pregnant gf. I know it's not easy, but I think you need to make your mum realize how badly she's got things wrong here.

doingthelambethwalk · 09/04/2010 16:05

Taking her out for meals is a nice thing to do, obviously, but when you are pregnant what you are looking for in your man is signs he will be a good dad. That includes:

  • being able to cook even if it is just omelettes
  • being able to help around the house, not to be the world's best cleaner but to be willing to help and happy to build Ikea furniture and paint the baby's room etc.
  • not getting too grumpy when tired
StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2010 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
guy123 · 09/04/2010 16:09

The reasons my mum was so concerned is because my career has been my life and progression in my career is important to me. she was worried this would not happen with a baby

OP posts: