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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my MIL just being a pain?

199 replies

internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 11:49

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 29/03/2010 11:51

I think she is being a bit awkward but YABVU and more than a bit bridezilla-esque to dictate what colour clothing your guests wear to your wedding.

tinierclanger · 29/03/2010 11:51

Honestly? She may well be being awkward and grumpy deliberately - but I think it is bridezilla of you to have a dress code for guests!

CMOTdibbler · 29/03/2010 11:55

She may be being grumpy about it, but YABU to tell adults what to wear, especially when they have to pay for it

I'd be narked to be told what to wear, and I like black and white, so would wear again - unlike your MIL who, like many older people, may not wear black generally

compo · 29/03/2010 11:56

Yabu

I'm sorry but it's not on to dictate what your guests wear

mil never said she was happy with the idea

you should have just concentrated on what you , dh and bridesmaid were wearing and let everyone else decide for themselves what colour suits them etc

chicaguapa · 29/03/2010 11:58

Can your MIL wearing a black dress? Or does it have to be black AND white?

I think I agree with the other replies. Sorry! But does it really matter what the guests are wearing, in the whole scheme of things?

weegiemum · 29/03/2010 11:58

We recently declined a wedding invitation for a wedding with a dress code.

Totally bridezilla. Sorry. YABU.

compo · 29/03/2010 11:59

Maybe people can't afford to buy new stuff and don't have any black or White in their wardrobes
did you think of that?
And IMO the photos will look ridiculous with everyone wearing the same colour
you'll look like penguins at thezoo

sorry and welcome to the aibu threads

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/03/2010 12:04

I have always wondered why people have a colour theme for their wedding - OP, can you please tell me your reasons?

muddleduck · 29/03/2010 12:10

I would be very if I was asked to spend money to buy clothes in colours that I know don't suit me.
I would smile and nod poilitely if asked if the bride asked me if it was ok (and then bitch about her behind her back...)

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 12:14

thanks guys i wanted to know if it was me,

in fairness, i did ask everyone if they would be ok with it, and everyone else said it was fine and liked the idea my sister is having a field day coordination her broods outfits, so in that respect i can hardly say im being bridzilla when i asked first, i havent exactly demanded but my partner agrees with me and he came up with the idea.

they can wear what ever colour combination they like, red dress, black dress, black and white dress, black and red, red white and black, red and white, white dress. so i dont feel it extremely restrictive and like i said everyone else has complied and found some thing quite happily

so in that i dont feel they will look like penguins at the zoo.

i went to a wedding a few years ago with a similar theme but it was just black and white no red, and she had 120 guest in black and white it was stunning, she had no complaints. im only having 30 guests.

Like i said if when i asked everyone had said no im not into that idea i wouldnt have done it but she is the only one who is being difficult.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/03/2010 12:15

You will all look like a chess board!

dress code weddings are vile.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 12:17

muddleduck i completly understand, but who doesnt look good in black, or white for that matter, like i said its not like i requested lime green a colour that suits nobody!

i also know that my family and friends would tell me straight there would be no need to bitch behind my back about it

OP posts:
weegiemum · 29/03/2010 12:18

"they can wear what ever colour combination they like"

Or, alternatively, they could just wear what they like.

"i went to a wedding a few years ago with a similar theme but it was just black and white no red, and she had 120 guest in black and white it was stunning, she had no complaints."

Is a wedding about the "look"? How shallow.

YABU

JackRabbitBauer · 29/03/2010 12:21

If your photos are going to be in black and white does it really matter anyway? She just wants to look nice for her sons wedding, has probably been thinking of him getting married for years and looking forward to it so YAB a tad U.
She is being a bit stubborn too mind, but for the sake of keeping your dp's mother the woman who looked afetr him all his life happy you could give a little.

GeekOfTheWeek · 29/03/2010 12:24

I wouldn't go tbh.

Imagine the pictures if the mil turns up in lime green!

Do you have a wedding list too? I ask because the last 5 invites had requests for money with one of those poems. Only 1 has a list.

diddl · 29/03/2010 12:25

Did you really expect people to tell you that it was a ridiculous idea?

MaMight · 29/03/2010 12:27

OP you have said a couple of times that everyone else was fine about it. She wasn't then, and never pretended to be.

YABU.

Have a black and white wedding with a powder blue MiL.

GeekOfTheWeek · 29/03/2010 12:31

If you were prepared to omit the black and white code for your gran's then can't you apply the same for your mil?

GeekOfTheWeek · 29/03/2010 12:32

grandmas'

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 12:32

oh god i HATE those poems, i have requested money towards our honeymoon (we want to take the kids to disneyland paris but again only by asking if they are ok with that before i sent the invites out, i have also put in a gift list for those who we know will not feel comfortable giving money but as we already live together we have enough towels, a toaster ect so have asked for stuff that could do with replacing

i am if im honest, ok wit her not wearing it, and coming in what she likes, after all like you said she was the only one who doesnt like the colour scheme, but at the same time, she is the only one who isnt and my partner feels she is doing this as a way of having her way coz she isnt having her way in much else (venue ect, because im not christened and would feel a bit of a hipocrite (spl?) getting married in a house of god when i havent stepped into one since i was at my CoE school when i was 4)

OP posts:
UnrequitedSkink · 29/03/2010 12:33

Tell her she can wear what she likes if she's really that unhappy about it, and then she'll feel really silly on the day as she sticks out like a sore thumb.

Although FWIW I do think a colour coded wedding theme is a bit daft.

muddleduck · 29/03/2010 12:35

"but who doesnt look good in black, or white for that matter"

umm, me?

and most old people

and the fact that you asked them first doesn't make it reasonable.

paisleyleaf · 29/03/2010 12:36

Wow. All the guests colour co-ordinated?
Isn't that just going to look hilarious?

LaurieFairyCake · 29/03/2010 12:37

I think you should let her wear what she likes - she will only show herself up.

Everyone will think she is dreadful to not go along with the dress code.

You however will look gracious

Don't forget she will be your MIL for many years.

I too think having a dress code is not a nice idea as well, sorry.

Mumsnut · 29/03/2010 12:39

Maybe cream? A bit kinder to an elderly complexion and should merge in in the black and white photos.