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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my MIL just being a pain?

199 replies

internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 11:49

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

OP posts:
notsochickchickchicken · 29/03/2010 12:39

YABU, weddings are getting out of hand, with silly requests.
Surely if you asked first and you'r MIL said no then you can't expect her to change her mind.
We've been ask to bring candles of a particular size and colour, learn a dance and wear lilac for recent weddings.

The best weddings I have been to have been the ones where everyone was relaxed with a party style atmosphere, not the ones where everyone has been forced to 'enjoy' the brides idea of a perfect day.

paisleyleaf · 29/03/2010 12:41

Why ask first if you're going to request it anyway?

LittleSilver · 29/03/2010 12:44

YABU. And a bit rude and disrespectful imho.

CMOTdibbler · 29/03/2010 12:44

And remember that wearing red (trad worn by the grooms mistress), black (mourning), or white (pretending to be the bride), would all have been considered offensive at a wedding a few years ago.

LittleMrsHappy · 29/03/2010 12:44

I dont think your being unreasonable at all, its "your" wedding

I also dont think the OP is just going for a look, a wedding is what the bride and groom what it to be, of course the ceremony is the most important, but weddings if "you" want it to be is about the whole package.

MIL is being unreasonable to a extent as simply it is not about her, Im sure she can find a outfit for one day, as simply it is ONE DAY about her son marrying the person he loves!

Im going to a wedding in June and it is a 60's theme, now I am finding that difficult, but I understand the bride, and why she wants to have a theme to represent her late father.

Intergalactic · 29/03/2010 12:45

Well, regardless of who is BU, you can't force her to wear something that she doesn't want to wear. Even if you were to buy her a lovely outfit that suits her and matches your colour scheme, if she doesn't want to wear it then I don't see how you can make her. As far as I can see, your only option is to say that she can wear whatever she likes, and on the day smile graciously, tell her that she looks lovely and that you're delighted to be marrying her son.

LucyJones · 29/03/2010 12:46

' but who doesnt look good in black, or white for that matter, '

Most people look fine in black, but older people would never dream of going yo a wedding in black, a lot if younger people too
and you have to be very slim to carry off White
and people don't like wearing White to weddings as that is believed to be upstaging the bride
not many people cancarry off red
you should have chosen purple and lilac if you really had to lol you have chosen the worst colours

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 12:46

it is i suppose each to their owna s far as the colour code decision goes, i am happy with the decison i made however i do see all your points of veiw. i would be happy to go along with any of my close family and friends decison for a colour code, i would possibly not be happy if i wasnt one of the wedding party and was just an evening guest.

which by the way the evening guests arnt colour coordinated

i suppose i should put that the guest to the wedding are only parents/inlaws brothers sisters and nephews best men bridesmaids and their partners of all very close friends and family.

its too late now to change my mind on the colour code as everyone but her has purchased their outfit (and is happy) but i will suggest to her about wearing what she likes, i suppose then i shell see if she really is against it or just being difficult

my first AIBU wasnt as bad as i thought it would be!

OP posts:
muddleduck · 29/03/2010 12:47

I've just tried to imagine what would have happened if I'd tried to tell my (lovely) MIL what to wear to my wedding. I suspect that she would still not be talking to me if I'd tried this

Intergalactic · 29/03/2010 12:50

Actually, CMOT makes a very good point - I wouldn't wear any of the colours you've requested to a wedding usually. Maybe that's part of what's upset her.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 12:50

oh and in regards to white its white/ivory/ cream as i know that white is extremly harsh i should have put that in the original post but i dont really class ivory as different to white IYGWIM?

OP posts:
compo · 29/03/2010 12:51

Aw your very gracious on ur first aibu thread
I applaud you for that
dokeep us updated as to ehat she decides to do

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 29/03/2010 12:51

I think let her wear what she wants, she'll be the one feeling left out on the day when everyone else has made an effort to work to your request and are standing around comparing outfits and chatting about it.

I don't much like dress codes either but understand you did check with people first, and your OP sounds more like there are underlying issues of which this non-conformity is only a symptom and not the real problem. Hope you do get the relationship back to better ground, weddings are an emotional and stressful time when unimportant things seem to get blown out of proportion easily.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 12:52

again i should have put in day to day life she wears black and red and white in her everyday wardrobe so its not like a colour she cant wear, as in doesnt suit her.

OP posts:
MrsGeek · 29/03/2010 12:54

If she is just being difficult and trying to exert her authority because she feels like she hasn't made enough of the plans/been consulted etc then she will just want to make your life difficult for a few weeks.

Tell her she can wear what she likes, she will either:
a) wear something different and everyone else will notice and think badly of her (you either accept a brides invitation and conditions or you don't go)
b) having stressed you for a few weeks to show her authority she'll magically wear the right colours because she doesn't really want everyone else to think badly of her
or
c) as option (b) but she'll spend the whole day telling everyone how awful it is to have to wear these colours and again people will think badly of her for spoiling the day

Can your DH-to-be step in and tell her it better be option b?!

Mongolia · 29/03/2010 12:56

How do you know they are happy??? they maight have been whispering to your back and how stupidly unreasonable it is to be told what colour to wear. How old are you? 15?

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 12:58

MrsGeek
he has been talking to her about it and i dont think it is because she has objections to the colour but basically because she hasnt had a say, my DH2b has been very mothered by her and i do think its hard for her to let go, she was very conrolling with our DD when she was born telling us what to and what not to do and with DS we learnt to just do what we found best, again with the wedding we are doing it our way not hers and i think this is the problem ultimatly

OP posts:
MrsGeek · 29/03/2010 13:00

We had similar stress with a relative over our wedding, we had 6 meal options available to pre-choose when you RSVPed (lots of dietary reqs to meet).
One relative said he didn't like anything else and would have to have something different, made a real fuss. I mean, seriously, when did you last go to a wedding and have SIX meals to choose from?? It was nothing outlandish, all standard british meals ie. no curry for the grannies!

In the end we said "we're sorry you don't feel that you could have any of those meals and if you feel that this means you can't come then we will understand". He came, chose a meal and ate it. Could you try that?! Though I guess she might never speak to you again - maybe a win win situation

hanaflower · 29/03/2010 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 13:06

dont get me started on the food shes causing a fuss over that too but thats a whole other thread and nothing to do with me this time!

OP posts:
Devendra · 29/03/2010 13:11

YANBU
Its your wedding..
My friend had a small colour themed wedding and it was lovely. All their guests were happy to go to a bit of effort to make the day special. Its like having a fancy dress party but not bothering to dress up.
You are not asking for too much... just let her wear what she likes.. she will look odd and be very aware of it. I bet if you just ignore the issue now she will eventually turn up in the colors she is supposed to... she just wants to have a whine!!!
Enjoy your day!

Bensmum76 · 29/03/2010 13:14

Hey all, OP - you are taking this very well, I would be in tears by now which is why I never start a post on AIBU??!!
I kind of like the idea of a themed wedding although I can understand that weddings have become a bit OTT. If your MIL is also starting in about the food then it sounds to me that she is maybe just wanting to put her mark on your wedding.
I wore red to my wedding and my MIL wore white!! I never noticed it until people said it to me after when they were looking at the photos - she looked more like the virginal bride than I di (I was three months pregnant at the time so that could be right)!!

sunshiney · 29/03/2010 13:15

am i the only person who thinks this must be a wind-up?

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 13:20

thank you devendra thats how i feel i did giggle at the bridzilla comment

bensmum76
i feel by starting a post on AIBU im bound to get comments i dont agree with but its a discussion board and i asked for opinions, if everyone agreed, well id be bored and have no other insight, everyone else around me agreed with me hence why i put it on here. i apprectiate the helpful honest comments and disregard the ones that are just posting spitful comment which for now i havent had many

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 29/03/2010 13:22

I wouldn't go to a wedding if I was told what to wear. Black and white ? Have you really thought this through ? Think about how you will feel in a few years time when you look back at your wedding pics and cringe at your guests cringing ? Please don't tell me you are having a black and white cake ? Black napkins ? Black pudding ?