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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my MIL just being a pain?

199 replies

internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 11:49

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 13:30

Sassybeast, that is in your opinion, i my look at your wedding and think the same. its not really contributing to the OP though is it? thank you for you input though

OP posts:
Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 13:31

may

and no im not that morbid to have black EVERYTHING. id have to dye my hair black too and look like a goth

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 29/03/2010 13:34

But it's probably those sort of thoughts that are making your MIL react in the way that she has. And by saying that YABU because of that, isn't that contributing to the OP ? I honestly don't think it's fair to impose a dress code on anyone - it's almost as if you are telling people that being themselves isn't good enough for you. You have to be fairly confident to feel comfortable in any sort of 'themed' attire - for some people, the idea is as horrific as having to wear fancy dress. 'Themed' weddings look so false IMO - and possibly your MILs as well.

muddleduck · 29/03/2010 13:35

PMSL at you saying that your MIL was "very controlling"

LittleMrsHappy · 29/03/2010 13:39

OP, we had pur photos done in black and white, and the red rose everybody wore was also shown in the photos!

Photos were fab! and everyone loved our wedding, Im sure your MIL will be fine about it, after all its only going to be afew hours and she can wear something else on the night.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 13:41

that was a better responce from which i can get an opinion from.

'Please don't tell me you are having a black and white cake ? Black napkins ? Black pudding ?'

Isnt.

like i said i do appreciate every valid resposne i get otherwise i wouldnt have posted, but slating my idea of napkins, cake ect isnt constructive, that wasnt what i was asking, if i had asked, is my colour scheme nice im having a black and white wedding? but guest could wear what they liked then maybe your opion on that would count but it doesnt im very happy with my colour scheme as a whole, now that you have answered my OP on AIBU about my mil and i can take note from that im happy

OP posts:
Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 13:43

LittleMissHappy

thats what i thought too i though picking the red out would look lovely, we are having colour pictures too buti love the blacka dn white look with the colour splash

OP posts:
saslou · 29/03/2010 13:45

I am going to go against the majority and say YANBU. I don't think you have asked for a lot from your guests and I don't think it is that hard to find something to wear in the colour combinations you have chosen. Themed weddings are not everyones cup of tea, but it is your wedding so you are within your rights to have a theme if this is what you want. I think with your MIL this is about more than the clothes but I think she is being a PITA tbh.

OrmRenewed · 29/03/2010 13:45

I think it's a bit daft (sorry) but I also think she's being a bit difficult. Is she usually like this?

MadreInglese · 29/03/2010 13:47

YABU

You may think that everyone has happily agreed to your bridezilla demand dress code but I'd bet my bottom dollar that the majority are whinging about it behind your back

As for asking for money, yuk yuk yuk, If you already have everything you need then you should just ask for no gifts, asking for money just stinks of greed IMO

CinnabarRed · 29/03/2010 13:52

It will look just like the race day scene in My Fair Lady!

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 13:55

OrmRenewed, she is like it with alot of things, again it is why i asked AIBU?

with this sort of thing unless you have seen the situation i dont suppose you can give an accurate opinion so i am taking all these with a pinch of salt, im glad im gettin a few ANBU it means im not completely alone in my thinking

OP posts:
weegiemum · 29/03/2010 13:57

Mrs Geek wrote:

you either accept a brides invitation and conditions or you don't go

Conditions????

Weddings have changed a LOT since I got married I think!!!!

MrsGeek · 29/03/2010 13:59

Weegie I know, very different from my laid back wedding but its more common these days I think. But, you either go along in the spirit of it or politely decline I think. We've had some interesting 'conditions' on some wedding invites, its not just limited to 'no kids' these days!

SeaTrek · 29/03/2010 14:01

Yes, she is being awkward but then, I'm sorry, but so are you!

Lot of people have had their 'colours' done and know what season they are and pretty much stick to buying from that colour palette. ONLY winter season has black and white in it. Most people simply won't suit black/white as much as other colours. Fine if you have loads of money/view clothes as disposable but for most people you are making it a very expensive day.

Why you want everyone in uniform is another matter I suppose....

I suspect that your MIL is just the only one brave enough to say something to your face about it.

weegiemum · 29/03/2010 14:02

and saslou said

"I don't think you have asked for a lot from your guests"

You don't ask anything from your guests. They are your GUESTS!!!!

Sassybeast · 29/03/2010 14:02

OP - I'm sorry for teasing.

MadreInglese · 29/03/2010 14:02

Oh love, you can't dictate what replies you get on MN, especially in AIBU

If you want everyone to agree with you how about posting on one of those bridezilla confetti forums

msrisotto · 29/03/2010 14:10

FWIW, I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's your party, if you want a certain theme then I don't see the harm. Guests may be guests but you're paying for the dinner and venue and everything else and if they don't like being asked to wear a colour that most people have in their wardrobe then they don't have to accept the invitation.

It sounds like she's just trying to cause a fuss and get some attention, ignore it.

muddleduck · 29/03/2010 14:13

I think there is a more general point here...

Some people have the sort of relationships with their family and inlaws-to-be that this kind of thing would be fine.

In your case, it seems that the relationship with your future MIL is already awkward and that you were being a bit daft to expect her to go along with your plans. Seems to me that all this is not going to help you to build a good relationship with her, which surely has to be more important in the long run than the quality of your wedding pics?

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 14:18

im not dictating the replys i get on here, but when having digs about my theme that isnt to do with the OP i take that personally that is my taste noone elses, i asked AIBU about my mil to which the general responce is yes, to which i accept, this is after all why i asked such a question.

All the responces i get in reply to the OP i take in and evaluate. not once on here have i wanted anyone to agree with me, i have said all along i appreciate all replys to the AIBU question. just not the ones where my colour scheme outside of asking the guests to wear it, is slated, would you not be offended too?

as it stands Sassybeast- i misunderstood you, i dont expect teasing on AIBU really, i just expect either a bashing from you all or afew agreements so when a teasing comment comes up i get sense of humor failure

OP posts:
MadreInglese · 29/03/2010 14:19
Biscuit
pigletmania · 29/03/2010 14:22

OP you asked for our opinion and you got our responses. You said in your op that you were prepared for a bashing, so people have given their honest opinion and you are getting a bit narked about it. So you want our opinion only if you agree with it, in that case why did you post a thread on here, and just go and do as you wish at your wedding

Yabu I am afraid by telling people what colours to wear, fair enough the bridesmaids but everyone!!!! Looks like you want total control over everything, have you told people what colour underwear they can wear too btw

JackRabbitBauer · 29/03/2010 14:23

iyd, you were taking teh AIBU responses in good temper but there is no need to be a bitch.
A genuine question was asked? How far are you carrying the theme? Whether it was teasing or not I think it was a valid question.

And if you get offended at the tangent ofa thread in aibu, well, them's the breaks.

pigletmania · 29/03/2010 14:26

If I had done that at my wedding it would have gone down like a lead balloon and I dont think that I would have had many people at tbh, good if you are on a budget though