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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my MIL just being a pain?

199 replies

internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 11:49

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

OP posts:
GrungeBlobPrimpants · 29/03/2010 14:55

if black & white isn't a goer, how about a lovely shade of grey?

Which would also look brilliant in the black and white photos

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/03/2010 14:55

I hate this 'it's the bride and groom's day'...no, it isn't. The moment you invite guests you become a HOST and your role as a host is to entertain guests therefore you are primarily considering them not your own wants.

Good grief no wonder most weddings are such a punishment to get through

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 29/03/2010 14:56

Am I only the second person on this thread to think it's a win up? Reminds me of the pink wedding thread a few months ago

Pennies · 29/03/2010 14:58

Black, white and red do not suit me. They make me look utterly washed out. I feel rubbish wearing them. If I were told that I had to go to a wedding (my son's wedding) in colours that would make me feel like I looked like rubbish I would be really fed up. In fact, I wouldn't do it.

YABVU.

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 14:59

A themed Wedding ?
Really ?

It makes the wedding sound like a photo shoot.
Its the sort of thing that Katie Price would do.
I often find myself thinking....'mmmn, in this situation what would Katie do'.
Others may say 'what would Jesus do?' but they hardly ever get a six page spread in Hello magazine.

.

FWIW. YABU to try and tell adults what to wear when you are supposed, as their host, to be attentive to their comfort.

stressed2007 · 29/03/2010 14:59

"I hate this 'it's the bride and groom's day'...no, it isn't. The moment you invite guests you become a HOST...and your role as a host is to entertain guests therefore you are primarily considering them not your own wants. "

This is the polar opposite to my thinking. Guests are there to help the couple have the most fantastic day not the other way round. At least that is the way I have always thought it was when I have been a guest

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:00

thank you StarExpat

OP posts:
stressed2007 · 29/03/2010 15:01

pagwitch I love " I often find myself thinking....'mmmn, in this situation what would Katie do'."

Love it.

stressed2007 · 29/03/2010 15:01

oops that should read pagwatch - v sorry

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 15:02

It's fine. I am a bit witchy today

wishingchair · 29/03/2010 15:03

Stressed2007 - no I get your point, I just don't agree with it. It is not as if MIL is insisting they don't have a theme at all, just that she doesn't want to have to wear black, white or red (a difficult colour scheme for anyone over age of 30 or with pasty complexion). A wedding isn't just the bride/groom's day (as I said earlier). It is about everyone getting together to celebrate the wedding of people they love. In this case, it is MIL's day to celebrate the wedding of her SON! We will all be MIL's at some point (OP included).

MrsGeek · 29/03/2010 15:07

Wonka "Most people will buy something new to wear to a wedding all your doing is giving them some guidance!"

Really? I must go to too many weddings then or must not be rich enough, or both! I have a small but nice selection of Monsoon/Coast style dresses and choose from that selection, being careful not to wear the same dress to the weddings of people who will know the same people.
Eg. Don't want to be on a photo on Grannies wall at two cousins weddings in the same dress!
If I don't have the right type of thing for a particular wedding I ask around friends to see what they have in their wardrobes. We often share and find in one summer wedding season all our dresses do the rounds between us! Maybe I am just very, very tight!

saslou · 29/03/2010 15:09

Clearly there is a lot of differeing opinion on the role of guest/bride and groom and what is reasonable to ask of other people attending your wedding.
Whilst the MIL may have spent a lot of time picturing her sons wedding, so too has the bride.
If someone is going to be unhappy on the day because they have not got what they wanted, should that person be the bride or one of the guests? Yes the MIL is an important person, but fot this one day the Bride and Grooms wishes should surely come first.
As a compromise you could ask her to fit in with you for the service and then get changed for the eve do.You could offer to buy her wedding outfit as she would be wearing something that is not her first choice. Personally I would not do this, but it might keep the peace in your situation. Good luck with your wedding. I hope all goes well

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:09

wishing chair, my MIL looks fabulous in black white and red she she wears them in her everyday wardrobe, one of the reasons i thought she wouldnt mind.

if when either of my DC get married and they have a colour sceme i would gladly comply to make their day how they wish it to be. i agree with Stressed2007 when im a guest i feel its up to me to make their day special not the other way around.

i now have the opposing view to bear in mind

OP posts:
posieparker · 29/03/2010 15:12

For some less well off people their wedding is the only day to have this sort of party, themed or otherwise. And whilst I hate the 'bridezilla' demanding shite I completely appreciate that some people can only have one special day.

PotPourri · 29/03/2010 15:12

Not a big fan of themed weddings (extending to guests outfits especially) However, I agree she is being awkward, it is your day after all. But I also think you should not push it any more. The fact is, she will feel like a right plum when she is the only person wearing pastel pink or whatever.... And just make sure she is not very visible in the photos.

Get over it and move on with the other arrangemetns. You're giving her alot of power by caring so much about this.

posieparker · 29/03/2010 15:17

Could you not give your MIL the choice of grey also.....some lovely dresses here. here

LittleMrsHappy · 29/03/2010 15:18

Poise exactly, I never got to attend any school discos/leaving do's/balls etc.... Only been in my adult years, where we/I have got to attend work functioning.

A wedding is about the bride and the groom, Im finding it difficult to understand why people are not wanting, or cannot be bothered to give a little out of their own life for ONE DAY! to make the couples day extra special for them!

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:21

i think she would look stunning in thiswww.phase-eight.co.uk/fcp/product/fashion/Dresses/Clarissa-Dress/200941336?colour=multi

there are a few others she would look good in too in this range

OP posts:
LittleWhiteWolf · 29/03/2010 15:24

I love the way most posters are saying that generally older people wouldnt dream of going to a wedding in black. You should have seen my wedding in Oct '08--everyone over the age of 40 was wearing black! I was fine about it but do rather wish SOME of them might have tried a different colour. Made it look a little like a funeral.

I think the OPs idea is nice as its what she wants for her wedding and therefore no-one place to judge. Saying its tacky is not very helpful, regardless of this being AIBU.

Perhaps MIL is being a cow, perhaps not. Either way I would compromise with her if she finds it impossible to find something she is happy to wear.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:25

or even this www.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/prod_10001_10001_028010262260_-1?breadcrumb=Home%7EWomen %7EDresses

OP posts:
bubbleymummy · 29/03/2010 15:27

Gosh. I didn't think the op was being unreasonable at all. I thought it sounded quite fun actually! . My bil had a black and pink themed party a few years ago and we had a great time dressing up. Doesn't everyone have a 'little black dress' that could be accesorised if you don't want to buy something particular? Or an easy enough thing to borrow in any case! Op I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your mil is being difficult so maybe the best bet would just be to shrug and tell her to wear what she wants but everyone else will be in black White and red and don't let her have the satisfaction that she's annoying you in any way . Have a great day !

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 15:27

But it shouldn't be the job of the guests or the job of the wedding couple.

The point is that a wedding is supposed to be a joining of two people, two groups of families and friend and the beginning of a life time of friendship and love.

The guests should feel through affection and love that they wish you both a day to remember and the right beginning to your life together.
But you, as the couple getting married, are supposed to be inviting those who mean the most to you, to join you in that celebration, to bear witness to the biginning of your life together and to meet each other and unite in their affection for you.

To place additional and unnecessary demands upon each other is selfish.
To tell your guests what to wear beyond that which custom and tradition dictate is making the balance sway too much toward the wedding being a party for you, a photo shoot at which your friends and family - those who you should value the most - are providing some kind of backdrop.

Do it by all means. But it seems symptomatic of the trend for the wedding being about image and presentation and being less about showing geuine consideration and affection for our extended families.

Possibly it is a generational thing. But at my wedding I would have considered it to be rude in the extreme to approach the mother and grandmother of my husband and tell them, as women whom I am supposed to value and respect, what to wear.

Fortunately I have three sisters. Had I told them I was planning a themed wedding they would have politely explained to me that it was not such a good idea

Posie - just read your comments and I kinow what you mean about it being a rare chance to celebrate on a scale. But surely it is possible to stage a huge lush party without having to tell other people what they can and can't wear.
Is this going to be the MIL's only wedding as part of the main wedding party.
When we got married my mother was so excited to have an excuse to buy a fantastic dress - she had no wedding photos from her own wedding. Taking her out to get her frock was nearly as much fun as getting mine. She would have struggled with black white or red - none of which she wears.

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 15:28

oh, grey is a good idea!

That's right posie - it's one special day for the couple. OP is being considerate of her guests (she even asked if her (dh's) idea was ok!), but she wants a special day to celebrate her and dh... and who cares if she wants certain colours? If anyone is that put off by it, then they can surely wear whatever pleases them or just stay home?

I never go to a wedding expecting to be entertained and comforted and pleased. I am a guest and a polite, appreciative, well mannered guest. I go because I'm celebrating someone else's special day. And I'd never complain about the day. That's just rude. That's like complaining about a present. Or expecting one for that matter. I don't expect anything at a wedding. I just hope the bride and groom thoroughly enjoy their day!

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/03/2010 15:29

When you invite a guest to anything they are not there to help you but to be entertained and taken care of. Jeez. It really really DOES explain why weddings are hell to attend. It's cleared that up for me 100%! I leave this thread educated, if not particularly edified by the lack of social skills of many people today.