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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my MIL just being a pain?

199 replies

internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 11:49

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

OP posts:
FickleFairy · 29/03/2010 15:29

International, I think if it's what you want then on your wedding day if people want to share it with you anyone who is half decent will make the effort, even if they do think it's not really their thing or they wouldn't personally choose to have a themed wedding etc. If they love and care about you they'll zip it and give in to it for one day of their lives.

Have you tried actually printing out a few pics to show your MIL for suggestions? I know my Mum would have it in her head that she would have to wear a black and white dress and that's it. The option you have given above from Phase Eight looks beautiful. Maybe she hasn't really considered that something like that would be acceptable to you.

You will find on here that although you are asking for people's honest opinions and genuinely want them that some people can't do that without being downright rude. There is a way to be honest without being offensive, but some people struggle to get that just right.

Really hope you get this sorted so that both you and your husband to be as well as your mother in law to be are happy. You don't want to encounter the wrath of the MIL if you can help it

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 15:33

I usually agree with pagwatch. I agree with most of what you've said. But see nothing wrong with op wanting a certain colour scheme. Who cares?
fwiw and disclaimer: I did not have a colour dress code or anything like that. Simple, outdoor wedding with 30 guests, very low key, unique ceremony followed by a meal with pretty music. friend suggested that people might be put off by me not having a dance and dj or band afterward... I thought that was a bit .
We had a great day and our guests did, too, even without the band/dj and dancing.

AvrilHeytch · 29/03/2010 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:34

pagwatch her daughter is married as i put in my OP which my MIL paid for, she also planned the entire thing down to the last flower. so this isnt her only wedding as part of the main wedding party, i dont think thats the issue, i have offered to go out with her and look at dresses as i did with my mum, as i said in previous post also se looks good in black white and red and wears it day to day

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/03/2010 15:36

I do like the suggestions that you gave International they are lovely, especially the Phase Eight dress. If she is adament that she does not want to wear the colours you suggested than there is not much you can do, she is your MIL not just a friend so is an important part of the wedding party. Tbh if i were in your position and my mum did not want to wear the desired colours than she has such thick elephant skin that she wont register that she looks out of place and that she is othe only one not wearing the colours It would have to be pointed out to her and even then she would not care.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:38

Fickle fairy i have shown her that dress and explained im not like IT HAS TO NBE BLACK AND RED AND WHITE you know that dress to me is perfet and something she could wear again, not regimented and unreasonable at all, she even once suggested wanting a flowery print dress! so i though perfect!

OP posts:
Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:40

thank you pigletmania i think with this one im just going to have to put it down to experience. i really really do think that the phase eight dress is lovely though and would look just as lovely on her!

OP posts:
AvrilHeytch · 29/03/2010 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:49

AvrilHeytch

thats brilliant! you have solved my problem no need for this AIBU but maybe i should start one

'AIBU to change the colour of MIL dress'

[Grin]

OP posts:
Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 15:50

why didnt it grin?

OP posts:
somebodysfool · 29/03/2010 15:58

Why are you searching for outfits for your MIL you say "i really really do think that the phase eight dress is lovely though and would look just as lovely on her"!

The point is it doesn't matter what you think and to presume she might want to wear something you have chosen is really not on. I think you are over stepping the boundaries and I can understand why MIL is rebelling. How would you feel if your future SIL/DIL recommended outfits for you in the future.

I also don't understand why you were willing to exempt your elderly relatives but not your MIL smells like double standards to me.

I think you probably want all this control for the right reasons but people don't like being controlled and will react accordingly.

pigletmania · 29/03/2010 16:04

Good luck International and have a fantastic day, just let MIL have what she likes and do as Avil said mabey you can ask the photographer to adjust the colouring.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 16:07

if my sil/dil reccomended an outfit they thought would suit me id be flattered

OP posts:
ilovedoughnuts · 29/03/2010 16:13

Well now you've solved that problem, you can get to work on deciding what topics of conversation are allowed to be covered, what hairstyles are allowed, how guests must pose in the photos........

trixie123 · 29/03/2010 16:15

if the pictures are black and white anyway it won't matter what colour she is in will it? the "top of the telly" photo will be just you and DH presumably. not worth a row.

RedRedWine1980 · 29/03/2010 16:16

It sounds a bit drama queen-esque and unreasonable to say 'I want people to dress this way- they dont want to, they are being awkward'
Yes it is always polite to respect people's wishes but at the end of the day people are individuals who has the right to tell them what to wear?
My nephew rocked up to my wedding in jeans and a tshirt and looked hideous, it was far from the end of the world though.

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 16:19

international

I was only responding to Posies 'special party' point.

As I said. It is up to you.
I think it is quite astonishingly rude to tell people to wear outfits of your choosing to your wedding. But you don't. And others on here don't either.
Each to their own.
Fortunately I have never had anyone try to tell me what to wear to a wedding so I haven't had to face this particular issue.
I think I can imagine my reaction but can't think of anyone I know likely to do a themed wedding so perhaps I will just be left wondering.

MintHumbug · 29/03/2010 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieparker · 29/03/2010 16:24

Hey Pag, the only themed wedding I went to was at Kew, couple were sleb lawyers...one to the Spice Girls(long time ago) both highly educated and wealthy....

Daisy00 · 29/03/2010 16:25

I think with the internet people can ALWAYS get hold of a BLACK outfit. Maybe not a yellow one or an orange one, but black, yes!

However, I don't like the idea of telling people what to wear even on your day. It's your day but what people wear is very personal.

mayorquimby · 29/03/2010 16:27

"i am if im honest, ok wit her not wearing it, and coming in what she likes, after all like you said she was the only one who doesnt like the colour scheme, but at the same time, she is the only one who isnt and my partner feels she is doing this as a way of having her way coz she isnt having her way in much else"

So you have no problem with whatever she chooses to actually wear but you are making it into a bigger deal because you don't want to have a feeling that she got one over on you/won/ got her own way? If that's the case then it's a bit rich to call her a pain/stubborn when you are deliberately making it into a contentious issue and possibly upsetting her when you don't actually care and wouldn't be making an issue of it if it was somebody else.

Daisy00 · 29/03/2010 16:27

PS, the important thing is that people enjoy the day and are HAPPY.

I'd tell her you've had a rethink and she can wear what she likes as you'd hate to think she was feeling uncomfortable all day.

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 16:36

posie
Given that you have Slebs and Spice Girls involved it makes perfect sense. And money makes no difference. In fact add Donald Trump and it could be themed wedding of the decade...

posieparker · 29/03/2010 16:39

Can't buy class!

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 16:42

I think it is more you can't buy a little low-key humility. Self promotion is fine in certain circumstances. But to insist on it all being about the look of the thing, rather than what it really means is odd to me.