or is my MIL just being a pain?

[internationalyouday]

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

i dont see what everyones problem is, i think is a cool idea to have a dress code- if people dont like it they dont have to go, i do think your MIL is being a bit U. she may be being difficult on purpose- do you really care though?

But she should actually care about mil... she'll be part of her family soon. So.......... just let her wear what she wants!

true star, i would let her wear what she wants she will look a wee bit silly.

I've read up the page 5 and I have to say, I think some poster's opinions of MIL's behaviour seem to be swayed by their perception of themed weddings generally.

I think it's fairly obvious the OP's MIL is being obstinate. She has several issues with the wedding already. She wears black, white and red in her everyday life but refuses to at her son's wedding, despite the colour theme being his request also.

Yes, the colours individually have connotations usually avoided by guests at weddings and people of older generations may feel more uncomfortable inverting tradition but it seems petulant to me.

She mustn't be refusing to wear the colours on the basis that they don't suit her colouring, as some posters have speculated, because she wears those colours ordinarily. If she really felt the colours were inappropriate for her to wear at the wedding for whatever reason, she could have mentioned to the OP, "Thank you for the invitation but would you mind terribly if I wore a different colour? I just wouldn't feel at ease in red, white or black," and I am sure OP would be accommodating, as she was intending to be with the grandmothers.

I can see the issues with themed weddings - some may be a little tacky, they can be too expensive or unsuitable for some guests and there is an element of control when asking people to wear something specific - but none of these seem applicable here. I just think OP's MIL seems to be using this as a way to express her feelings about aspects of the wedding.

I meant, if MIL mentioned her reasons for not wanting to wear the colours, OP might be more understanding - at the moment it seems like a blank and baseless refusal for no reason other than to be difficult.

Oh thisxgirl you are right on the money with this post!

YANBU to have dress code for your wedding many people hve dress codes - dunno why everyone is outraged at the idea - she hasn't gone for a stars wars theme!!!

HOWEVER you state that you were prepared to let your nans off the dress code to extend the coutesy to your MIL. She will either look very out of place if she takes you up on the offer or will decide she doesn't want to stand and miraculosly find a siutable outfit.

Best of luck.

Perhaps you could hire a nun's habit for her?

and the red would be nice because if anyone had a nose bleed they wouldn't be breaking the dress code.

I would be pretty pissed off if someone told me what colour clothes I had to wear for a wedding. And these are the three silliest colours:
white is for the bride
black is for a funeral
red is for people to show disrespect (or be the bride in China).

If I got an invite like that, I just wouldn't go, and I'd think "why is my son marrying someone who is such a control freak?"

Are ugly people banned in case they make the pictures look bad?

I agree with Pagwatch. Somehow the reason for the do, getting married, seems to be getting lost in this issue of who wears what in order to be part of the gang.

I think YABU but then I don't get this 'it's all about what the couple want' thing. It's all about agreeing to spend your life with the person you love, surely. Are 'themes' and 'colours' really that important?

A MIL is for life, not just for the reception!

Seeing as the thread has digressed slightly, I would add to my first post having thought about it a bit more

• I wouldn't have a themed wedding myself, but don't object to it in principle, and I don't think it's tacky - think it's a bit snobby to take that attitude

• I wouldn't by choice wear either black or white to a wedding, although I'm probably just a bit old-fashioned.

• If a friend asked me though for her wedding if I thought it was ok, of course I'd say it was! It wouldn't be worth upsetting a friend over, it's not that big a deal.

• I certainly would not refuse to go to a wedding purely because a dress code had been set and I didn't like it. That seems really shallow to me. But I guess if you've been invited to 8 million weddings that year and you're not fussed about the bride, it would be different.

Does the MIL realise that it was her son that wanted the black and white theme? Or does she think that it was her DIL to be and sees it as a way of exerting some control/ passive agression / whatever over her?

OP, I reckon that if you think you are going to let her wear what she wants, then give in to her with good grace... Practise your speech beforehand, along the lines of---

'OK, fine, you win. Look, I know you think we are being unreasonable wanting a black / white / red wedding but I was really impressed when dh-to-be suggested it and really wanted to support him and was hoping that you would too, especially knowing how nice you look when you wear these colours in everyday life. But, if it makes you feel uncomfortable to wear them to our wedding then fine, if you would prefer to be the odd one out then go for it, it will be nice to spot you easily. And I don't want to impose, but do you think you could explain your reasoning to your son, just so I don't muddle it up in any way, I don't want to upset him because his mum doesn't want to follow his dream wedding ideas, I think he'll understand it better and maybe be able to deal with it better if he does it directly with you...'

However it does sound like there are control issues on both sides, maybe something to start talking about now with your dp to work out how to deal with them in the future!

Oh and hope you have a fantastic wedding.

ps have you heard the one about what's black and white and red all over? sorry couldn't resist, haven't thought about this pun for years and this has just reminded me

What's the difference in having a theme for a wedding and a theme for a child's birthday party?

Most children have themed parties these days, Fairies,pirates etc. Does anyone say their child can't go because of the theme or accuse the mum of bring controlling?

BEING controlling.

I think YABU - for expecting the thread to actually stick to the question you asked and not go off on various tangents

I think you are NOT BU to ask guests to stick to a colour theme - I wouldn't have a themed wedding myself (I hate themes, fancy dress etc), but it takes allsorts and tbh, I'd be thrilled you'd chosen B&W as the theme and not green/lavender/goth/hippies/startrek/pixis.

I think yourMIL is just being a pain in the arse for the sake of it as she normally wears these colours - it would be a bit different if you'd asked everyone to wear bright yellow and it's a colour she would never wear...

I would just tell her that you are over caring what she wears, that everyone else will be wearing B&W, but if she wants to stand out like a sore thumb wear something else, that's fine. however, she can tell her son that she doesn't want to wear what he has asked.

coralanne, do most parents feel they have to buy a new outfit for every party their child attends? if so, you must have some wealthy parents round your end. the difference between a wedding and a children's party is that for a children's party you can cobble something together out of old loo rolls- or just send your child in in their ordinary clothes

I make DCs fancy dress from cutting up old clothes, card, black bin liners etc. I don't think you can do that for a weeding. I wouldn't buy a new outfit for a wedding unless I was the mother of the bride or groom. OP seems to assume that everyone is starting from scratch with money to spend.

I liked that white and red flowered dress someone posted, I think almost anybody would be gorgeous in that.
Good luck. My sons friend had a pirate wedding. My son wore a parrot on his shoulder and an eye patch, but many rented full costumes.

If it was a star wars wedding I might actually go....
A couple of danish pastries and I would be all set.
And then DD could have a star wars birthday party - because a 7 year olds party and the ceremony to mark the begining of a couples life together, pretty much the same.

Most people have something black or white in their wardrobe.

When I was married many moons ago my mum wore a beautiful black sleveless dress with a predominately white long jacket with black swirly things on it.

It looked great.

Sorry Cory I keep forgetting that not every one sews.

A friend's daughter was recently married and she made all the dresses for the wedding party. Also black and white theme.

The difference was that only the bridal party and parents wore black and white,

Dresses looked absolutely stunning.

I was at a party at the weekend and the theme was Black and White.

It was brilliant, everyone looked really elegant and it wasn't as hard as I thought to find something to wear, I wear black a lot but not white. I wore black trousers and a black and white top. Most other people wore black dresses with white jewellery/corsages etc.

There are loads of black and white dresses in the shops just now so I feelthat your mil is being awkward just for the sake of it.

I agree with others that you should maybe point out that it was her sons idea for the colour theme and if that doesn't work then just say something similar to mrs Geek, sorry you won't be able to come etc.

Well I think your MIL probably just doesn't like to be told what to wear.

For me personally I would invite guests to enjoy the celebration and share in our happiness, what they looked like would be an irrelevance. And realistically if a close relative asked me if I would mind having a dress code I would be unlikely to say "yes I do mind actually!"

ZIPZAP I think you've just about summed it up beautifully.

Take the pictures in black and white - you'll never see what colour she was wearing.

if i got married in this country instead of abroad i would have said no white or cfream dresses. sorry but i thought it was normal to have some sort of dress code, i attended my firend wedding and asked if it was ok to wear the dress i wanted to as it was a little booby- happens when u have big boos, she said it was lovely, if she had said no i would not be offended. if i got invited to a wedding that was fancy dress i would join in sounds like a laugh.