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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my MIL just being a pain?

199 replies

internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 11:49

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

OP posts:
JackRabbitBauer · 29/03/2010 14:26

Correction bitch passive aggressive.

Original poster
internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 14:27

'so people have given their honest opinion and you are getting a bit narked about it. So you want our opinion only if you agree with it'

where anywhere in this thread have i said that?

im not narked by responses to YABU i just dont agree with digs unrelated to the OP

OP posts:
wishingchair · 29/03/2010 14:28

Agree completely with muddleduck. Not sure why you were prepared to make an exception for your grandmas but not for your MIL. She will be in your life for a long time. Why start out with such a strained relationship? And the fact is (and you may not agree with me), this wedding isn't just about you. It isn't just your day. It is also her day. It is the day she gets to celebrate her son's marriage. Now she would be wrong to want to dictate the whole day, but perhaps not wrong to want to look her absolute best, which she may not think she can do in black/white/red (none of which suit me at all). She may have been planning her 'mother of the groom' outfit for years.

I'm not saying she's faultless in this and she is being somewhat petty, but I think the only thing you can do is to say (graciously) that she can wear what she wants. She will more than likely feel a little self-conscious when everyone else is matching, but that will be her choice. All you can do is smile, draw a line under it and enjoy your day. Forcing her to wear something against her will, will create horrible undercurrents on the day. I'd much rather have a happy start to married life and a fantastically fun day than force my MIL to wear something she didn't want to. (And you would NEVER get my MIL or mum in black, white or red).

posieparker · 29/03/2010 14:29

OP I think your wedding dress code sounds lovely. Most weddings have a dress code, yours is a little more restrictive but the photos will be lovely.

Your MIL just doesn't want to join in, bitch.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/03/2010 14:31

YAB completely U if you make an issue out of her not wanting to wear a certain colour. These people are your guests, you are their host and your role is to give them a lovely experience at your event. That doesn't include trying to co-erce them into doing something they're not comfortable with.

Your only (reasonable, classy) option here is to accept her feelings with grace and tell her you're sure she'll look gorgeous in what she chooses.

wishingchair · 29/03/2010 14:31

posieparker - most weddings have a dress code? I have been to many many weddings, none of which had a dress code other than the occasional black tie request which in itself is a dress code yes, but a very flexible one for everyone other than the men.

posieparker · 29/03/2010 14:32

I went to a wedding a Kew where every table had a different theme, my table was Hollywood starlet, another was 20s, gangster and on.....

wishingchair · 29/03/2010 14:33

why why why?!! Great if you are in your 20s, thin, glamourous and gorgeous. I think I would cry if I was asked to come dressed as a Hollywood starlet!

posieparker · 29/03/2010 14:34

My sister didn't have a dress code and people made little effort, some guests looked like they were off to work....eeeewwww.

I just don't see an issue, if I got an invitation with a dress code I would join in the spirit of it.

posieparker · 29/03/2010 14:34

I think it's great, but then I do like to have a laugh and don't take myself too seriously.

pigletmania · 29/03/2010 14:36

International I have been reading the thread and it seems as though it is sorry but thats how I have seen it. Yes ok if its a themed wedding and people go as a character or person of their choice, but you are telling them that they have to wear a certain colour which is difficult to find as the summer seasons colour are out.

wishingchair · 29/03/2010 14:37

My issue would be I don't necessarily want to buy a new outfit for every wedding I attend. If my collection of wedding suitable outfits didn't match up to the dress code, I'd be a bit peeved. Weddings can end up costing guests a small fortune. Don't need to add to it IMO.

To be fair to the OP, it is only close family who are being asked to conform. But I would still may feel somewhat resentful at having to buy something that I wouldn't really want to wear again.

HellBent · 29/03/2010 14:38

I matched the flowers, favours and balloons at my sister's wedding!

I was a bridesmaid and would not inflict that on every guest. She was a major bridezilla and I made her cry in Hobbycraft when she was choosing her stuff to make invitations. She got really stressed about finding ivory (not white or cream!) 3-gate-fold cards to go inside a box. I asked if the box was postable and she said no it would need to go in an envelope. I wet myself laughing and asked why she couldn't put it in an envelope and forget looking for boxes and she was devastated. It is quite amazing how wrapped up brides can be in their own wedding and lose sight of why they are doing it!

wishingchair · 29/03/2010 14:38
  • I also like a laugh and don't take self too seriously.

Unlike the people who want to control what you wear to a wedding.

pigletmania · 29/03/2010 14:38

Let her wear what colour she wants, you dont want a fall out at the first hurdle with her, she is going to be in your lives for a long time.

stressed2007 · 29/03/2010 14:40

It's your wedding I think you should do what you want.

If people don't like it they don't come and if they are not prepared to put some effort in for YOUR day not THEIRS then I don't really think you are missing them being there.

wishingchair · 29/03/2010 14:41

She is talking about her mother in law!!! I think she, her children, and definitely her DH would miss her being there.

Let her wear what she wants.

HellBent · 29/03/2010 14:43

They were going to work out about £5 per invitation and I said people will do the same as me and write date on calendar and chuck in the bin 20 seconds later. She went mental, I'm surprised I even got an invite tbh!

stressed2007 · 29/03/2010 14:44

Also MIL is going to look a right banana if she is the only one wearing a different colour. Let her do it!

LittleMrsHappy · 29/03/2010 14:46

I had a gold butterfly theme, and asked the guests not to wear gold outfits as it was me and the bridesmaids who were wearing that colour! and possibly parents if they wanted too! incidentally both parents wore black and cream, was a august wedding!

Last year I went to 6 themed weddings 80's black and white, red, Scottish highland, purple, and fancy dress. I appreciated that was what the hosts wanted and I done exactly that.

I dont see it any different from any venues that I attend, which stipulates evening wear or formal wear etc.... or masked ballgowns etc... its the hosts preference and I will be happy to oblige if I can.

GeekOfTheWeek · 29/03/2010 14:48

Stressed, fair enough its her day but this is the mother of the groom. Not really an option for her to not go. Plus, op had already said she would excuse members of her own family.

Agree with the poster that mentioned the cost to the guests. Family of 5 here, wouldn't be cheap to buy us all black/white/red outfits, added to the cost of attending would amount to a lot.

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 14:49

I don't think you're being "controlling" and it's your wedding. You were nice to ask in advance. People said they were cool with it. no problem, then. You aren't "dictating". You asked. Not "bridezilla" at all.

It will look pretty, imo. But I understand some people won't like it ("chess board") as it's not everyone's taste. But it's your taste, so who cares?

Since everyone else is ok with wearing those colours and aren't bothered by it at all and are willing to get into the spirit of your theme then it will be your MIL who will look out of place.

Maybe just tell her, - "that's fine, mil, you can wear anything you want. Everyone else will be wearing black, white and red." leave it at that. She'll see then that you're not going to change the whole theme of your wedding just for her and whatever she shows up in, is fine.

And if she sticks out like a sore thumb in the wedding photos, then that's her problem. Just enjoy the other ones with the black/white/red.

Danthe4th · 29/03/2010 14:50

How about let her wear what she likes but buy a white coat that covers her from top to bottom!!! its called a compromise, its your wedding do whatever makes you enjoy the day.

I'm thinking YANBU but a Little bit of YABU.

I asked for no hats at my wedding but mil made a fuss and in all the photos she wore the biggest floppiest hat you have ever seen and it completely hides her face, that was 10 years ago and it still cracks me up, thanks for reminding me,lol.

wonka · 29/03/2010 14:51

Most people will buy something new to wear to a wedding all your doing is giving them some guidance! A lot of people will already own something dressy in black/white. Your mother in Law will find something to wear offer her an opt out.. she'll prob do her best to fit in (as best she can) maybe she'd just like the option?

stressed2007 · 29/03/2010 14:52

wishingchair you miss my point - it is the bride and grooms day nobody elses however much others feel it is. The happy couple should do what they want.

word from the wise (or rather old) - start as you mean to go on or you may find you spend your whole life living to please others and not yourselves.