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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my MIL just being a pain?

199 replies

internationalyouday · 29/03/2010 11:49

Hi guys im fairly new, and am prepaired for a bashing if nessesary.

Im getting married in July and having a black and white theme, my dress is black and white my Bridesmaid who will be 7months pregnant is in a black dress (which is great saved me a fourtune on a bridesmaid dress as managed to get a fab maternity dress!)

i have requested that our guests to the wedding also wear black and white (and red as were having red rouches a roses ect..)
i sounded everyone out about this before hand to see if everyone would be ok with that, every one was fine ect MIL.

she says it will be impossible for her to find something to wear in black and white that it is completly the wrong time of year for black and white dresses and she cant find anything any where. now my 90 year old gran has managed to find something suitable she is happy in and my 70 year old gran had found something (these are the two people i thought would be the most difficult and was prepaired to omit them from my request)i am also having some pictures done in black and white and the photographer wis going to colour splash the red in the pictures

i have found about 7 different outfits that me and my fiancee agree would suit my MIL but she doesnt like them.

she is also complaining that she will CLASH with my mum. co-ordinate is more like it but i just cant seem to get through to her.

there are only 30 of us at the ceremony and she is the only one who hasnt now found something to wear. we had a family get to gether at the weekend and spent the entire night complaining to my SIL, my mum and my Friends that she is finding it impossible they all said to me after they dont see the problem.

i understand that putting in a request for a colour code may be unreasonable which is why i asked first if it would be a problem. i think it would have been more unreasonable if i had requested lime green and hot pink as my colour scheme

to be completly honest i feel she is just trying to sabotage as she isnt happy were getting married in a registry office not a church, getting married in my home town (where we live) not my partners (a good hour from us) we are paying for it ourselfs not my parents (she feels strongly that as she paid for her daughters wedding my parents should do the same, but we have moved out have 2 kids and have chosen to do this ourselfs and my parenets quite simply are not in the finacial situation to do so)

so i ask AIBU?

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 29/03/2010 16:52

You sound very controlling.

I could name several people I know who look awful in black / white. For some of those, it is to do with the way the skin tones change as we get older. My mum and MIL both look like death in those colours.

Frankly, unless you are prepared to pay fro everybody's clothes, I think it is extremely unreasonable to have a dress code that specifies colours.

I also wonder why it is so important to you that the photos look stunning, rather than having guests who are happy and comfortable in sharing the day with you. if you only want guests who look stunning, maybe you could contact the local casting company and employ a few extras. OTOH, you could just tell people that the dress code is smart and let them wear what they like. Their smiles alone will make your photos stunning.

somebodysfool · 29/03/2010 16:52

if my sil/dil recommended an outfit they thought would suit me id be flattered

I have a feeling you would be in the minority. A MIL outfits is very personal as it is a statement about their style not yours. I really don't believe you would have let anyone choose your wedding dress now would you? In essence that's what your suggesting and you are doing it because you think you are more stylish than her.

Dictating colour is one thing I don't actually think this is that unreasonable and I agree I would go along with it for a family member if asked. However you know it's an issue so to then suggest outfits is slightly narcissistic. She must feel like you are adding insult to injury. Of course she is playing up she feels powerless and perhaps there are deeper issues in this relationship we are not aware of.

Also you haven't answered the many questions why you were willing to exempt your relatives but not her. This in self speaks volumes to me.

I think you both should compromise as its clear MIL does not want to assimilate!

AvrilHeytch · 29/03/2010 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fallon8 · 29/03/2010 17:02

I, for a start cant wear black or white, maybe she cant/already has something suitable to wear,surely everyone looks at the bride anyway,I think its unreasonable .did you get the idea from a mag.or the telly?

Cantthinkofaname1 · 29/03/2010 17:07

YANBU. you asked first, and its not a big ask anyway. if she wont behave nicely and do this small thing for you, let her arrive wearing an odd outfit and feel likre a plonker all day. i cant bear the term bridezilla, so unkind and unfair. you poor love. what a stupid fuss over something so easy to oblige.

sayithowitis · 29/03/2010 17:14

One of the most treasured photos I have of my (now long ago) wedding, is of the entire group. It includes many guests who are no longer with us, all smiling and looking happy for us, even though they weren't colour co-ordinated. In fact, one of the guests is there in jeans and a T-shirt. He wason a 24 hour pass and had only landed back in this country 8 hours before my wedding, and had to leave before the end of the party so he would be back before his pass expired. It was the last time I ever saw him as he was killed just six weeks later . Do you think it really matters what your guests wear? Surely it is more important that they are there to share it with you, regardless of what they are wearing or how it looks in the photos?

paisleyleaf · 29/03/2010 18:15

Remind me again, why ask first?
I don't think that was answered.
It sounds all considerate to ask first, but only if asking actually means anything.

International, it may seem irrelevant when there are posts talking about opinions of themed weddings, colour schemes etc and not your MIL. But it is relevant, in that it is what you demand of people that makes a bridezilla.
Asking that people get there on time etc is fine, but the more bonkers the requests are, the more bridezilla.
And obviously from some of the comments you say are unrelated the black and white uniform thing can be seen as bonkers to some people.

You can't show her those dresses and expect her to be happy with you dressing her.

weegiemum · 29/03/2010 18:35

Been thinking about this.

I think that now, if I was asked to adhere to a colour scheme on the day, I would deliberately not do it - just turn up on the day in something different.

We have been asked to a wedding in the summer specifying green. Green makes me look ill, and I have nothing in it, though I have 4-5 wedding outfits I could put on!

We declined in the end, as the kids weren't invited either and the weekend childcare option was too much.

I would just be glad people were coming to my wedding. I would never have thought to specify dress codes!!!!!

weegiemum · 29/03/2010 18:36

e.g. at a black/white/red wedding I would come onthe day in Bright Blue, or Shocking Pink.

Lonnie · 29/03/2010 18:42

you know what Im going to go against the grain here..

No I dont think you are being unresonable I think you MIL is being so. you asked if it was ok and she didnt say anything. you have tried to help her but that hasnt worked.

However I wonder is it more about the fact she feels a bit left out? is there anything you can ask her to be involved with that will make her feel she has a part of the wedding (ask for her opinion on the flowers or something)

My mother utterly ruined our wedding completely took over (we were paying) and generally was awful to the point she changed the menu without telling us (No I am NOT kidding) and even now 14 years on it bugs me she did that she is meant to love me.

I love weddings with themes but then I also like mascerade balls and fancy dress parties not everyone does.

I would speak to her gently but if she doesnt want to do anything else then ask her if she can go with say cream or light coloru instead she how she responds

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 29/03/2010 19:11

I thought this thread was a wind-up until I read the sheer number of posts thinking that themed weddings were a Good Thing and that the OP was being perfectly reasonable

Maybe I'm now nearer MIL age bracket than yummymummy, but 'in my day' the nearest anyone got to a themed wedding was that the flowers would all be the same colour. If I received an invite specifying dress colour I'd think they were bonkers and I would certainly not take kindly to being presented with a range of 'suitable' outfits

Then I'd get on Mnet and post about the sheer unreasonableness of the DIL From Hell

coldtits · 29/03/2010 19:16

Ridiculous.

it's like painting by bloody numbers, I've never heard anything so self indulgently brattish!

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 19:33

Have any of you ever been to a fancy dress party? Or any sort of themed party? If you haven't, it's probably because you don't like them... so you don't go. If you know someone who is having a "themed wedding" and you don't like it... well... don't go. Simple. Who cares?
Why judge people who choose to do this?
Do you think people who throw fancy dress parties are indulgent and disrespectful of their guests? No one has to attend a wedding or any party. It's a choice. She isn't mandating a dress code.
Her dh thought up the idea.
She asked her guests if they like the idea.
They all said great idea.
MILK was unhappy.
So let mil wear whatever she wants and be done with it.

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 19:35

MILK?!? MIL
lol
Coldtits I'm still ROFL about your comments on the haircut thread. MN is so great in this way... how you can completely agree with some posters on some threads and disagree on others.

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 19:41

I like fancy dress, going to a masked ball in May, enjoyed themed parties.
But weddings usually involve such a committment and level of contribution from guests I think they have enough on their plate.
And I tend to think a wedding doesn't need to be anything else does it? Isn't the fact that two people are getting married the theme?
Its like the naked couples or the sky diving couples who bleat.. 'we just wanted to make it special'.
I felt that getting married to a fantastic man who loved me, surrounded by all the people I loved the most in the world was special enough.
Adding a flock of turtle doves and asking people to come as their fav banjo player would have felt like gilding a lily

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 19:53

Actually, before reading this thread, I would have said similar "why do people need themed weddings?"...etc. On another day I could have joined this brigade.
But then I thought, why the hell not?? Who am I to judge someone's wedding and why do people have to be so judgy of others? Who the hell cares? And she asked her 30 guests in advance and it doesn't sound like she's grabby or inconsiderate or expects much from them... just wants a nice day and thought it would look cool to be black, white and red.
I think she should do what she wants. And if people don't like it, they don't have to come.

piscesmoon · 29/03/2010 20:01

I think it is a wind up too sunshiney! I don't think you can control what your guests wear. To start with I generally wear something that I already have and I never wear black or white next to me face-I look dire so straight away would have to add a coloured scarf. Let her wear what she likes-probably the other guests hate it but are too polite to say so! I think they should all gang up and wear it like a uniform!

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 20:02
StarExpat · 29/03/2010 20:05

oh ffs.
I cannot stand it when I'm reading a thread... nonetheless contributing to one... and someone calls it a "wind up" or a "troll". If you think that, then don't post. arghhhh

I'm in a really bitchy mood at the moment. Rare for me. I'm usually a lovely nice pushover.

pagwatch · 29/03/2010 20:06

You have a scary tongue

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 20:07

"fearsome tongue" thanks pag. That made me really proud of myself!

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 20:10

It's lizard like and snappy
hehehe

JackRabbitBauer · 29/03/2010 20:15

But Stars, I can see your point but this is her future MIL< she can't say 'wear black or don't come' that would be horribly nasty and precious of her.
Equally saying 'let MIL wear what she wants' is fine, but not waht OP is happy with.

I think themed parties are a good idea as long as you don't go patyzilla nd refuse entry to anyone who doesn't go along with the theme. Parties are supposed to be fun, people!

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 20:23

I thought op was ok with mil wearing what she wants? Did I misread? I thought problem was the mil was just unhappy with it all? She has no had the idea to "edit" her photographs.

Yes, I agree that would be mean to say to milk, if you don't like it then don't come. But I do think she should just say, ok, mil, wear whatever you would like. The rest of us will be wearing white, black and red. So mil sees that she's willing to be flexible and suit her wishes, but she's not going to change her whole wedding just for her when she's the only one who disagrees with it.

When my DS gets married... I'm going to do and wear whatever he and his wife/partner want. I wouldn't give them a hard time about something like dress colours - so trivial and the important thing is that the day is special and we are celebrating their love

StarExpat · 29/03/2010 20:24

OH MY GOOOOOOODNESSSSS!!!!!
mil not milk! what is wrong with me!?!