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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a holiday even though DH says we can't afford it

220 replies

EllaBing · 25/03/2010 23:50

We've just recently moved house and our mortgage payments have gone up by a moderate amount. DH did say that if we moved house this year, we'd have to sacrifice going on our ten days abroad. Now, I nodded and made all the right noises because I thought I could butter him up at a later date but it appears I am wrong.

The thought of not having some time in the sun for another year is making me very miserable. The last 3 summers we've had have been shit. I've had a bit of mild depression since we moved and I feel like I need a change of scenery before i start doing crazy things like cutting my own hair off in clumps or eating sraight out of the freezer.

I KNOW I sound like a petulant child but I'm only asking for a few days in a hot country. Fucking Benidorm will do as long as there's sun and wine. I am a spoilt monster

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 26/03/2010 11:15

I agree with mj about all inc. Food and drinks v expensive last year, working out cheaper to go all inc this year. Plus theres no washing up

I understand your logic on not asking dh for money. I have always worked and would be uncomfortable having to ask dh for money. The account for you is a good idea.

Quattrocento · 26/03/2010 11:16

Well why can't you work for a morning or afternoon over the weekend then? If not, why not

expatinscotland · 26/03/2010 11:19

Okay, go ahead then. The words, 'rod' and 'own back' spring to mind.

TigerFeet · 26/03/2010 11:19

I think that you need to take stock of your life in general

I can see that you don't have the time to work, but why should that mean you don't have your own money? If you didn't do what you do then your dh wouldn't be able to work without paying out ££££ for various carers.

I can (kind of) sympathise that you don't want to take money from your dh, it can be hard to do so when previously you have always earned your own

BUT you are a family now, including his mum, and the balance has changed - he earns the money, you sort out the domestic stuff. Thats the way many households work and there's nothing wrong with that. What has to change in your household is everyone's attitudes to that - you don't owe your dh anything because he works and you don't, you still have the right to help decide how the money is spent even though you don't earn it - it is FAMILY money.

I work pt (but on ml atm) and dh works full time in a better paid job so he probably brings in 2-3 times as much as i do. But we both appreciate that if I worked more thanhe does, we'd be up shit creek as his job is such that he can't be available for pick ups, school runs, appointments, homework supervision and so forth - that falls to me. All the money that comes in (including child benefit, tax credits ad so forth) goes into one account, out of which all bills and groceries are paid. DH and I each get a monthly allowance which is the same amount for each of us. The family money is split equally amongst us all. Could such an arrangement work for you?

FWIW, our family holiday this year is a couple of nights at a premier inn - they are doing family rooms for £29 a night. If you can't afford Benidorm, could you do something like that? As a compromise?

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:21

Ladyevenstar. Without being rude, kindly shut the fuck up. I am not you. You are not me.

I am sitting here in a pair of jeans 2 sizes too big for me with a threadbare backside and a 5 year old jumper. I cut my own hair. I have no car. Not exactly "princess " material...

morningpaper · 26/03/2010 11:22

Age Concern might be really helpful - why not book an appointment with them and actually go in and speak to someone? They might have some really good dieas and perhaps places that your MIL can go?

expatinscotland · 26/03/2010 11:23

'Without being rude, kindly shut the fuck up. I am not you. You are not me.'

That is very rude.

And if you're walking round in clothes like that, then a) why the hell did you move house to a place that's more expensive b) that makes you sound like you can barely afford it c) you can't afford a holiday.

morningpaper · 26/03/2010 11:24

You could also take control of ALL the family's finances - then you could set the budgets and decide what is affordable etc.

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/03/2010 11:25

Elle,all i did was say how I made sure we all had things and we managed to get a holiday even if it is in this country. No it is not always sunny but you can have fun without having to be abroad. No need to be rude, I wasn't rude to you.

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:25

OK I've taken stock of some of the advice on here. As well as looking into respite I am definitely going to take more of a role in deciding on what our money goes on. Dh does refer to his salaray/savngs as OUR money but I've never felt that way. I need to get out of that mindset and be a bit more firm. When I return to work eventually, I daresay the salary I earn will be divvied up between us so yeah. Fair's fair.

TigerFeet · 26/03/2010 11:25

Is there any money left after everything has been paid?

Why the fuck are you sitting in worn out ill fitting clothes if there is?

And why do you want us all to join in the dh bashing if there isn't?

morningpaper · 26/03/2010 11:28

We put all our money into one pot and then each take out THE SAME amount as "our own money" each month (e.g. so all salary goes into a joint account and then a standing order of £100 goes into each person's 'own' account). That way you have some of your "own" money but also acknowledge that everything is "our" money. This works well for us.

scottishmummy · 26/03/2010 11:29

yikes you are some ticket,having a go at legit posts.can you see why you come across
as princess.anything you dont like/dont want to hear you dismiss.you are getting sound advice on this post.up to you to decide what to do with it

it is imperative you get ss carer ax.any package of care inc respite will result from an assessment

and fwiw if you make yourself wholly and completely available,then you will wholly and completely undertake majority care.whereas if you have time away they will have to make contingency plans

what about something like agency work were availability is flexible and you chose own hours eg catering,care work, bank hca with local hospital. you alreddy do it so might as well use experience get paid

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:29

Sorry Ladyevenstar it's just that the "princess" jibes are starting to grate on me.

We didn't have a lot of choice but to move to a new place actually. If you've got the mental capacity you can easily work out that changes in our circumstances required us to move house. If you also read back instead of attacking without reading facts you will see that we didn't move to a bigger house, we simply moved to a house that MIL could use easily (downstairs bathroom/bedroom etc etc) I didn't move to a bigger house because princess required an extra turret to store her tiaras in...

OrmRenewed · 26/03/2010 11:33

So where's the money coming from then? If it's all paying for the new house. If you can answer that question put it to your DH. If not.. well there's your answer.

TigerFeet · 26/03/2010 11:34

I don't think it matters that the OP doesn't work, I wouldn't want to in her circs

What I think needs addressing is how the family money is spent

If they can afford a holiday then the dh is being mean

If they can't then the OP is BU but aren't we all a bit unreasonable at times?????

THere are bigger issues here which the OP has discussed and is taking on board, couldn't we all be a bit nicer to her now perhaps???

OP, if there is enough money for you to have an allowance then you need to make damn sure you get one (and that your dh has the same allownace), there is no reason for you to do without if there is money in the pot.

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:37

It's paying for the new house/bills/food/DHs commute to work/clothes for DS all the ususal stuff. We worked out that we have about £200 spare per month to spend on "leisure" stuff but this basically encompasses anything non-essential like if one of us needs a new pair of shoes/the fucking leak under the sink needs an emergency plumber etc etc.

TigerFeet · 26/03/2010 11:38

£200 spare

£50 each for you and dh to spend as you see fit

£100 into a contigency account that gets used when things need replacing

mjinhiding · 26/03/2010 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:39

DH gives me an allowance of £100 p/m which I use to maybe take DS to soft play once a week, go for a cup of tea with some other mums once a week, buy a bottle of Body Shop bubble bath if I'm really feeling extravagant...

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/03/2010 11:40

Elle, unfortunatly the way you worded the OP you came across as a princess, hence the reason you got those jibes.

I know how disability or living with someone with a disability wears you down, as are many of us on here, HOWEVER you need to look at the lighter and brighter side of things. You can still have a holiday ok maybe not abroad but being abroad is not everything. I never had a holiday abroad until I was 19 my dad was disabled and with mum working only we couldn't afford it. And until we were adults we never had a holiday with my dad either, as he was not well enough!

I then became a carer for my Grandparents at the age of 24 as well as being a single parent and that stopped me having a holiday so i know how it can affect your life.

You really need to look into respite, my nan went in for 2 weeks and liked it so much she stayed there until she died.
But what you really need to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself and stand tall, ok you can't have a holiday abroad so go somewhere else, and if it is in this country why not take MIL or get onto the local councils Carers dept they often help fund holidays for carers and provide respite as well.

TotalChaos · 26/03/2010 11:40

you've obviously got fire in your belly Elle, so use some of that to start taking control - SM had some very helpful advice about dealing with authorities/getting help with caring for MIL. And start looking after yourself as well - if you don't nurture yourself with some adequately fitting clothes etc, then no bugger else will.

btw - would love to know where all these evening supermarket jobs are, never saw anything like that when I was looking for work .

morningpaper · 26/03/2010 11:41

Why not use Child Allowance to cover all child-related things, then have £100 each?

But seriously, if this is really all that's left over how are you going to cope with the next year when taxes and interest rates rise? Why not take charge of the entire finances and see whether you can live more frugally?

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:41

MIL does contribute some of her pension towards food etc etc but tbh she still likes her little luxuries so we're happy for her to spend her own cash on books/chocolates that she likes.

morningpaper · 26/03/2010 11:42

Your DH should not be "giving you an allowance" - you are letting yourself be treated like the hired help! Take control of the finances YOURSELF.