to want a holiday even though DH says we can't afford it

[EllaBing]

We've just recently moved house and our mortgage payments have gone up by a moderate amount. DH did say that if we moved house this year, we'd have to sacrifice going on our ten days abroad. Now, I nodded and made all the right noises because I thought I could butter him up at a later date but it appears I am wrong.

The thought of not having some time in the sun for another year is making me very miserable. The last 3 summers we've had have been shit. I've had a bit of mild depression since we moved and I feel like I need a change of scenery before i start doing crazy things like cutting my own hair off in clumps or eating sraight out of the freezer.

I KNOW I sound like a petulant child but I'm only asking for a few days in a hot country. Fucking Benidorm will do as long as there's sun and wine. I am a spoilt monster

Elle/Ella

Thumbwitch is talking sense. She often does.

Women taking financial decisions for themselves are not power-crazed bitches. You need to know that.

I hope you get your holiday. It sounds as though you need it. I don't want to sound too revolutionary but you might actually think about getting away for a few days on your own. Leave DH to sort out the children and get to know what has to be done. Get some sleep and some sun.

It's not that I can't AFFORD to buy books etc etc I just can't justify spending money on it. I WILL spend money on stuff that I think will be beneficial to us as a family but no, I DO feel bad about buying myself stuff. I don't go out to work, I don't get to buy myself frivolous stuff. That's just how I see it. I'm not saying everyone should feel the same but I do.

Maybe I didn't mention the disabled MIL but that's because I didn't think it was relevant. I feel that I (and DH and DS) deserve some time out because of various things. Richer people than me feel they deserve time out because they pranged the Audi on the way to the office. It's not relevant that I have a disabled MIL/DD really...

you can justify spending hundreds on a foreign holiday (that you can't afford this year), but you can't justify buy some books or music

You think struggling financially (should you take a holiday that you can't actually afford as you'd already agreed with your DH according to your OP) is beneficial to your family

I understand that but it's not making financial decisions with MY money, it's making decisions with HIS money. I know we're married and all that what's his is mine (and what's mine is mine lol) but I don't feel that way.

I've always earned my own salary.This is the first time since I was 17 that I've not been earning and TBH I'm finding it a struggle. I've never needed a man's money but obviously now I do and it's a new thing for me. I've threatened to go out on the game but I doubt there's much call for a 30 y/o, slightly chubby mum with a bad haircut

no it's making financial decisions with your (plural) money.

And if you feel that badly - get a weekend/evening job, or Avon, or something so you have your "own" money to spend.

Toccata, I sold a lot of my old stuff on eBay when we moved and I got about £340. I gave it to DH. I'm getting rid of more stuff at a carboot next weekend, I will give the money to DH. I don't spend money on little stuff that I'd like cos I'd rather save the cash to do stuff like take LO to ThomasLand/the steam railway.it's either or. I put any spare bits of cash I have into a tin and put it into the savings every month. So with the bits I've saved up/raised from selling stuff, DH would only need to "donate" -some- cash for a break. Simples.

I'm a bit worried that all the ideas that you have to earn a bit of extra money for the family revolve around the sex trade. There are other jobs.

I understand that you are having trouble adapting to being economically inactive. It sounds as though your DH is having trouble adapting as well. I don't understand why you have no say, when presumably it was a joint decision for you to stay at home to look after his child and his mother.

so stop "giving" him the money, and book the bloody holiday yourself then.

If you can't find something abroad that you can afford (and you do know that it does rain abroad as well don't you?? and sometimes we have nice summers here) book something here in the UK

British tourist market has had a major boost in this recession as lots of people who "usully" holiday abroad are being forced (financially) to "stay at home".

"I'm a bit worried that all the ideas that you have to earn a bit of extra money for the family revolve around the sex trade. There are other jobs"

I see that my (admittedly odd) S.O.H isn't being best received here

Anyway, thanks for the advice. Just off to polish my tiara then up the wooden hill.

I can understand totally that you would struggle to adapt to losing your financial independence. I did too, at first.

The way I look at it now, I'm doing something really valuable, to us both, by staying home with DS and I don't have problem spending OUR money.

Most buying decisions are left to me, although we obviously talk over big purchases and agree. We're having a holiday this year, although we're always skint, (we are doing a week in a caravan in Skegness and I'm thankful for it}

I'm not sure that the holiday is the issue here really, I think your lack of financial freedom is and that can be sorted out for nowt, just sit down and have a talk about it. You need to be able to buy stuff/treat yourself without feeling guilty, really, it's important.

OK, I am weak and back

Elle, I do understand the financial implications of your situation as I have similar feelings about being dependent on DH and I have been in the workforce a whole lot longer than you (about 12years by my reckoning).

What I can suggest, as it is the only way I can reconcile myself to my non-earning position, is that you ask your DH to put some money into your account for you each week/month whatever. Any money you get from now on for sale of goods or if you decide to do Kleeneze/Avon/sexlines etc., put into your account (if you don't already have your own then open a building society account with someone nice like Nationwide - I like them ). Then you have the choice whether you save it or spend it - and when you have enough you can say "look, we can afford to go away, I have enough for me and DS, can you pay for you?" (not that there is any reason that you should have to pay for DS out of "your" money but it would sweeten the offer, iyswim)

Now, lots of people wouldn't agree with this "separation" of money as they think if you're married/in a partnership, it's all "our" money anyway - but I also have trouble with this so have some sympathy with that side of your situation, so have offered you one way (and there are bound to be others) that you might be able to feel better about it.

Your SOH might go better on the bumsex threads?

There's bumsex threads?!

Can't you just get a couple of evenings a week in Tesco to pay for a summer holiday? Then your husband could look after your child when he's home from work. It's not rocket science.

if a single wage wont pay for holiday shake your tooshie and get a job yourself. evenings/weekends and dh watch your child

if being financially dependent bugs you, get a wee pt job earn your own money

maybe consider a pt course or volunteering something for yourself.boost your self esteem.

Sorry to jump on this thread a bit late, TBH I think its a bit childish that you agreed with your DH in the hope you could get him to change his mind later, it's a bit like promising with your fingers crossed behind your back.

Thanks for advice re: PT working. If you read my above comments, you will see why I would find this difficult.

I'd much rather sit on the checkout at tescos for a few hours rather than have to heave a twelve stone woman into bath/bed, believe me.

How old is your son? If he is a toddler then now is a GREAT time to go to work.

If he is NOT a toddler then there is really no point spending 50 quid a shot taking him to steam railways/Thomasland - cut out a few of those trips and have a weekend in the sun by yourself at the very least

You're finding it very easy to make excuses. Afaik Tesco is frequently open 24hrs a day, are you seriously telling me that your MIL would need a bath between the hours of 10pm and 2am? If you wanted to get a job, you'd do it rather than trying to manipulate your husband, make excuses and garner sympathy online.

There is a website called Freelancer.com where you can bid for tasks to do (usually proofreading/spreadsheets) that kind fo thing and you can make quite a bit doing that, I did it while I was at uni, made a tidy amount.

Also when saving for our wedding I did Ann Summers Parties for a while (I know I know) and made loads of cash for just 2 and a half hours out of the house once or twice a week.

and does your MIL just not have a bath when you go away for your 10 days?

'I understand that but it's not making financial decisions with MY money, it's making decisions with HIS money. I know we're married and all that what's his is mine (and what's mine is mine lol) but I don't feel that way.'

You need to get out of this way of thinking. The fact of the matter is that you have a child together. You staying at home is enabling to go to work to earn money, if you weren't around then he would have to pay out for childcare.

Now both me and DH work, however I work from home and he earns way, way, more than me, so he pays for pretty much everything, my salary goes on extras. But all things financial are joint and he is a firm believe in this - he asked me if it was okay to spend part of HIS bonus on a very expensive new camera (he is a keen photographer and is thinking of turning semi-pro). Obviously I agreed - it was treat for him to celebrate getting his new job.
But if I really objected, then he wouldn't have done it if I gave him good reasons why he couldn't (i.e. need to replace appliances).

Incidentally, if you fancy some work from home, this is what I do. Not bad money and pretty flexible. Only one client in the UK but there is talk another one coming on board.

And it is nothing to do with the sex trade Unless you count the customers ringing up at 10:30pm, clearly pissed offering marriage proposals

ok-carer issues

who washes her when you on previous holidays or on trips
has mil had a needs assessment
has physio or ot assessed moving her and equipment provision
is she entitled to a carer for bathing/personal care
is she claiming all her entitlements

but nonetheless you could see if any work going eve/weekends

you want a fancy holiday.you need earn more money

BouncingTurtle. I looked at your link because I'm nosy and I have to say it looks like an utter scam - I am always very wary of online 'jobs' that do not give any specifics of what the work actually involves. WOuld it happen to be mostly about persuading more gullible and desperate people to sign up to the scheme by any chance?

Elle, I think you are being treated quite unfairly by some posters here, I admire you for not having flounced and left in a huff (so maybe you are not the spoiled princess that everyone makes you out to be).

The thing I did not like is the link you made between depression (mild) and a holiday.

I have had PND, and had my sunny holiday (thought this would be the cure), and this is sadly the holiday my DCs still remember as "the holiday where mummy lost the plot". Yes I had sun, but one DC got sick, the younger one was teething and cried every night. As we were sharing a room, I was shattered and at one point started crying and screaming as I just could not cope .

Sorry, long story, but just want to say that if you genuinly have depression, please see a GP and sort it out asap.

If you just use the word "depression" to get your holiday, that is somehow not entirely honourable is it? Smacks of manipulation.

Depression does not equal entitlement to holiday. Two seperate issues IMHO

Also, I think we will have a fab summer in the UK . Last year wasn´t too bad in my memory, we went swimming quite a few times. We also moved house this year, and will go camping in Devon for our hols.

And Scottish mummy: back off!!! Jeez...

chandon,who made you editor in chief?i shall post as i wish,when i wish on an open forum.

do you plan to address other posters or just me

you are more than entitled to your opinion. i seek not to censor it

so stop jumping about because you contest my opinion