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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a holiday even though DH says we can't afford it

220 replies

EllaBing · 25/03/2010 23:50

We've just recently moved house and our mortgage payments have gone up by a moderate amount. DH did say that if we moved house this year, we'd have to sacrifice going on our ten days abroad. Now, I nodded and made all the right noises because I thought I could butter him up at a later date but it appears I am wrong.

The thought of not having some time in the sun for another year is making me very miserable. The last 3 summers we've had have been shit. I've had a bit of mild depression since we moved and I feel like I need a change of scenery before i start doing crazy things like cutting my own hair off in clumps or eating sraight out of the freezer.

I KNOW I sound like a petulant child but I'm only asking for a few days in a hot country. Fucking Benidorm will do as long as there's sun and wine. I am a spoilt monster

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 26/03/2010 10:41

Elle, I think you deserve your holiday.

Good luck at the car boot. I am doing one on Sunday, my first time! The clocks go forward on the sat so it will be like getting up in the middle of the night.

skihorse · 26/03/2010 10:42

Bloody hell elle, your husband needs to man up and take some responsibility for his own mother! She wiped his arse, he can lift her out of the bath!

Btw, you are my first AIBU-by-stealth!

expatinscotland · 26/03/2010 10:42

I agree, MP.

TottWriter · 26/03/2010 10:49

ElleBing - are you recieving carers allowance? You are a full time carer so you should be at least assessed - and the money you would receive would be yours.

It wouldn't be much, but it would be some money of your own which you wouldn't have to justify spending on something to cheer you up. And could your MIL not go into respite care for a week every now and the so your could get a holiday without your BIL harassing you?

Your OP was perhaps a little spartan on details - here on AIBU it's best to lay out the whole picture in the first post so people don't get the wrong idea. I must admit, you came across as a bit precious to start with, but having heard more I do have some sympathy for you. Sounds like your BIL is a bit of an arse, and your DH could certainly be a bit supportive given that you're looking after his mother full time. He might work 50 hours a week, but how many hours do your caring duties add uo to BTW? Don't think of yourself as being dependant on him. Without you not only would there be childcare for him to pay, but he'd have to sort out his mother too.

boiledeggandsoldiers · 26/03/2010 10:50

Ellebing, glad to read that you may get a holiday after all. Could you ask the wider family to contribute financially to your MIL's care so that you can buy in some respite care? It seems to me that the burden of care is on you disproportionately. If you can carve out some time to yourself to think about what you really need and want, you may be able to take back some control of the situation, as Morningpaper says.

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 10:50

It's not that we are struggling with the mortgage payments. It's just that our mortgage increased by £200 p/m. DH didn't get a pay rise last year as his company agreed a twelve month pay rise. Hopefully he will get one this year so we won't miss the £200 so much. (and it's not a huge payrise before you all start jumping on my back for speaking about pay rises when some people don'thave any pay at all etc etc)

Anyway, it's all relative isn't it? I feel hard done by because I'm not getting a break this year. People are sniping at me because they can't afford a holiday in this country. I bet there's some poor fucker somewhere who wishes they could afford a laptop to moan about it on the internet. We're all of us better off than someone. Doesn't mean we won't moan about it when we feel we're being deprived of something we'd like, unless we're all saints.

mjinhiding · 26/03/2010 10:52

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ElleBing · 26/03/2010 10:52

Sorry i meant twelve month paycut freeze in my last post.

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 10:52

PAYRISE FREEZE FFS...

SilkyBreeks · 26/03/2010 10:52

Please speak to your GP again and find out if there is a carer's group/network in your town, contact any relevant charities and see if there is anywhere your MIL could go for respite care, even just for a weekend.
She must have a pretty miserable time of it too and it would give you a break - not a sunny one, but still.
I worked in a care home for disabled adults when I was at uni and we used to take people for respite, anything from a night to a month, and they used to love it! It was a chance to meet new people, feel more independent, be anyone they wanted if you see what I mean. We did outings and stuff but nothing amazing as it was a council home. It's amazing how much fun a can of cheap lager and a bingo session can be!
If your mil tried and liked respite, it would perhaps be a way for you to have more relaxing downtime and if you do get enough cash together for holidays you wouldn't need to worry if she was being cared for properly.

mjinhiding · 26/03/2010 10:57

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ElleBing · 26/03/2010 10:57

I didn't know about the respite thing. No-one has been very forthcoming with information since we turned down the place at the care home. It's like "you turned it down, you must be happy to deal with it" Some people only see things in black and white. I'll definitely phone my council today and see if they can point me in the right direction, after speaking to MIL first.

SolidGoldBrass · 26/03/2010 10:58

Actually Elle I think you are amazing in being able to laugh at yourself and your situation. Given that your DH and his family are pretty much exploiting you as an upaid carer for no very good reason. People in your situation usually break down sooner or later, especially when they didn;t actually volunteer for the job of carer but got it dumped on them. SO your DH and your MIL think she should be cared for by 'family' yet no one but you is expected to do any of the hard work? You are going to have to point out to them gently but firmly that you matter too and that you can't go on like this.

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 10:58

Thanks mjinhiding. I will look into that

scottishmummy · 26/03/2010 10:59

righty-ho.get a plan.start to make some waves calmly and assertively (no shouting)ask for carer ax of you as carer,you are legally entitled to this.dont be fobbed off

contact your mum sw,and any other hcp eg gp/dn and detail exactly what you do
be specific eg self care, dental care, lifting,any meds dispensed, creams applied etc
detail frequency and duration of your input
impact upon you (psychological and physical)
ask for another case review and carer assessment of you as carer
be prepared for this taking ages, going back anfd forth.but dig in heels

i understand your mil has had her needs ax but this is your request for carer ax for you

some links
carer assessment

support org

deeper wider conversation needs to happen with you,dh and extended family and why you seem to be sole carer

lifting alone with no equipment will damage your back

you op and initial posts do you a disservice.and you did come across very princessy.your op title is bitmisleasding too.

this isnt really about holidays.it is about adults needing to collectively share carer role

your feelings of disempowerment

and actually yes i still think a job/course/volunteering will help you.something for you

BouncingTurtle · 26/03/2010 11:00

SGB - I can assure you it is NOT a scam. But I can understand why you think that. Too many work from home schemes are.
It does not involve signing people up for the scheme to earn money. It involves taking telephone calls for a well known catalogue company for which you receive full training. I've been working on this opportunity for nearly a year now - it isn't going to make you rich, but it is great if you need something flexible, and can work from home. You do need a PC, broadband, and a quiet place to work where you won't be disturbed. No real outline a part from getting a headset/telephone combo, and you don't pay for the calls - basically you work through a virtual a call manager which takes over your phone line and routes calls from the company's contact centres to you.
The only downside initially is there is 8 weeks of training (of which the first three weeks are unpaid) to complete before you can start. We currently have about 40 people who are currently starting this training and we have had a few drop out because they couldn't commit to the full 8 weeks, or missed too many days at the beginning (or were rejected by the client - you have to undergo a CRB check as you'll be handling customer's financial data).

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:02

Maybe I painted the wrong picture about DH and MIL...

MIL is lovely and I can sense the guilt she feels at being here. I don't want her to feel bad, she is DH's mum after all and DS's grandma. She should be with family as much as possible IMO. DH didn't insist on me looking after MIL. I saw how sad everyone was about her possibly going into a care home (she doesn't have long left and who'd want to see their mum live out her last months in a care home?) so I suggested that since I would be home looking after DS, maybe it would be good to have MIL stay with us. Admittedly, I didn't realise how hard it would be but I'm not moaning tbh. I'd just like a break once a year and I hope that if I ever need looking after that my kids would help me as much as possible. I'm hoping that karma will be good to me lol.

BouncingTurtle · 26/03/2010 11:03

Oh forgot, you need to register as self employed.

Quattrocento · 26/03/2010 11:05

I'm finding this thread very frustrating, particularly the stealth revelations.

You've been consistently challenged about not working for something you say you want. You claim that you are working a 16-hour day and have no time to work. We have all pointed at your DH as being someone entirely appropriate to have care for his child and his mother while you work for two evenings a week or something. You have no answer to that

You've also been consistently challenged on your attitude to money as being something that someone else doles out and you accept their decisions. This really isn't a grown up attitude and it isn't healthy for you. You must start taking some responsibility. I really like the advice about starting your own account.

I hate the revelation that your DH can't change a nappy. That's really bad for everyone - not just for you, but for your DC and ultimately for him as well.

TottWriter · 26/03/2010 11:09

ElleBing - my nan refused to put my Grandad in a home even when his dementia got so bad he didn't know her, but she still qualified for him to have someone come wash him in the mornings. Until the dementia hit he did also go for one day a week into respite care which gave her a chance for a break.

Help is out there as long as you know where to look, but unfortunately people will just let you struggle unless you make a fuss. You need to assert yourself and get the help you're entitled to.

asteri · 26/03/2010 11:09

ellebing I apologise if my post offended you, I didnt mean to, I just meant to get across my point that you need to ask for some help/comtrol as you seem to be doing an awful lot and not getting much for it from your DH/Family. I know it can be hard me and my mother cared for my father full time when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and the govt never seem to be forthcoming with much. I guess the point I am trying to make is you need to stand up and help yourself, cos in this world very few people will help you.

asteri · 26/03/2010 11:11

control, not comtrol damned crap keyboard

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:12

Quattro, I'm finding YOU very frustrating actually...

I think I adequately addressed the working evenings thing when I said that I didn't feel that going from 6-10 at home THEN going out and doing a graveyard shift somewhere would be feasible. When do I sleep? DH doesn't get home until 9ish a lot of the time, especially if he has had an emergency workload dumped on him that day. So I get a job at Tesco then constantly have to call in sick because DH is having to work late? yeah right...

I've got my own bank account ffs. I was a working woman until 3 years ago, I'm not some denizen of the 1940s.

DH CAN change a nappy, just not always remember to put one on DS before bedtime, IF you read my post properly.

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/03/2010 11:12

I buy most of our clothes from charity shops, ebay, MN or bounty saves a lot of money, I don't own a car, I rarely go out, and have not had a holiday abroad since 2006 and then 2007 and that was euriodisney, prior to that i had not had a holiday anywhere for 2000. But my DS's have fun we go to woods and walk, climb trees, and have a picnic.
This year we are going to Gt Yarmouth to a holiday village 1 week in a house £180 sleeps 7. We are buying food weekly so that we don't buy it all in one go, I am buying a piece of clothing a week for each of us, by June when we go everything will be ready for us to have a great holiday.

Stop being a princess

ElleBing · 26/03/2010 11:14

Now that a few of you have mentioned respite I am looking into it now, as we speak. I think that MIL would like it too as she is pretty sociable. Thankyou to those of you who've mentioned this. A lot more helpful than just "go to work princess" if I can get her looked after one or two days a week maybe I can work those days...

Yippee! x