to want a holiday even though DH says we can't afford it

[EllaBing]

We've just recently moved house and our mortgage payments have gone up by a moderate amount. DH did say that if we moved house this year, we'd have to sacrifice going on our ten days abroad. Now, I nodded and made all the right noises because I thought I could butter him up at a later date but it appears I am wrong.

The thought of not having some time in the sun for another year is making me very miserable. The last 3 summers we've had have been shit. I've had a bit of mild depression since we moved and I feel like I need a change of scenery before i start doing crazy things like cutting my own hair off in clumps or eating sraight out of the freezer.

I KNOW I sound like a petulant child but I'm only asking for a few days in a hot country. Fucking Benidorm will do as long as there's sun and wine. I am a spoilt monster

agree with chandon's point abotu depression

I think you are very harsh, and I don´t like the way you seem to enjoy belittling the OP.

You enjoy being nasty, that is what offends me.

Hmm, I think that the holiday is not really the issue here.

It is the fact that you have completely surrendered financial decision making to your DH.

Yes, he is the one working but I don't understand why you handed over your eBay takings.

It is hard to adjust to having just one wage, and being the non-earner in the relationship but financial decisions should be made together.

Sit down with DH and work out if it is at all possible to have a holiday, what it would cost and how much your shortfall is. Then see if you can cut costs anywhere or earn a bit of extra cash with car boot sale/eBay that will be used to fund the holiday.

If it is not possible then accept it. But it should be a joint decision, not you trying to persuade him.

no,i wont as you colloquially put it back off as i my opinion is valid.as is yours

i think elle can talk up for herself

and the carer issues.

if she is acting as a carer yes she needs to get a needs ax
ask for physio and/or ot ax about moving assessment.
and who does these things in elle absence

other status issue impacting upon elle

feels disempowered being financially dependent
wants holiday but cant afford it

so get a job

glad to see you have changed your tone SM.

I have to say Chandon I agree with scottishmummy and I think it may you who is being harsh on her. If the OP wants any control she will either have to get out of the 50s housewife mindset (oooo but its his money)and take some financial responsibility or get a job.

Elle, maybe you could book a holiday for next year so you have something to look forward to and it gives you time to pay it off. Part of the fun is choosing where to go and planning it.

Perhaps getting a part time job or casual shif work, even just once or twice a month, will give you some financial indepedence back and also give you some confidence.

Phew, quite a bit to answer. Here goes...

Of course I know that Tesco open 24 hrs but come on, seriously. I'm not workshy but I'm up at 6am with DS then caring for him/MIL/DD until 10 most nights. Then go to work until what time? I think that working 20 hours a day is beyond most people's limits. I did work 25 hours a week (all nights) when I was doing my degree but it's different when you have to get up with a demanding child at 6. So it's not that I have no work ethic, I do. I do believe that what i do at home is work and I deserve some kind of reward for it. Sorry if I sound like a spoiled cunt but I'm not going to pretend I do it because I'm Mother fucking Teresa.

Of course MIL has a bath when we go away. BIL and his wife (who live 50 miles away) take over duty for us, which is mighty fucking good of 'em considering they have no kids/commitments (sense the bitterness)MIL has had a needs assessment and got offered a place in a care home (state-funded) but MIL and DH didn't want her to go into one, unfortunately.

I've not even used the depression as leverage with DH. I just remember all too well being stuck in the house the last two summers and crying most days because I couldn't get out of the house for one reason or another. And FYI, we did do a caravanning holiday last June. If the weather had been lovely I daresay we would have enjoyed it more.

chandon you certainly do overstate your influence on my posts

now i have acquired a disparate gaggle who variously claim i follow them on mn/am mean/pull their hair.perhaps you could join them .pop up and say oh you are meanie sm at inopportune moments

Asteri, I think that it's my modern attitude to women earning their own money that makes it hard for me to ask DH for stuff, actually. 50s housewives were happy to live off DHs salary, using his money for shoes and pretty things. I find that pretty offensive.

You ARE harsh, Scottishmummy and I felt myself wanting to cyber bitch-slap you last night ;) But it's a public forum and you're entitled to express yourself however you choose, even if you do sound harsh and judgemental.

I can sympathise with your predicament Elle,as I'm lucky enough to be able to have a holiday each year at the moment, not always abroad though. And I do get a ridiculous amount of pleasure out of researching, booking and looking forward to it (probably enjoy all that more than the actual holiday!)

For me it's an escape from the grind at home of work, school and extra-curricula commitments as well as the phone and the computer! If we were on a tight budget, I would still try to get a couple of days mini-break in a £26 travelodge room. Can't you and DH compromise and do something cheap and cheerful in the UK this year?

ok,so what can you do to resolve this.yes the role change and carer demands are really hard

mil
needs ax done- good.now what about pushing for case review discuss the impact upon yourself,and ask for some carers to help out. as a carer you are can ask for a carer assessment of your needs and mil

consider the moving and handling of mil.do you do that alone?does your back hurt

have you had a carer assessment of you as carer.benefit assessment etc

contact ss and your gp.discuss the impact carer role has upon you.your mood and how it impacts upon time

OK, I'm not meaning to get on your back but why do you need to start your day at 6, and why are you still going at 10? You're in a relationship, you're nobody's slave!

I can understand that the rain can make a holiday a bit pants - thems the breaks in northern europe isn't it?

I hope you don't mind but I took the liberty of looking at your profile and I see that you're in the midlands. dfdsseaways are doing cheap cruises to Amsterdam which might be an idea? I'm living in NL and I'm using them for a cheap UK break in May. Anyway, what I was going to say was that last summer (on a verrrry tight budgete), OH and I went up to one of the Dutch islands (~150 euros for a week) and it was so fecking hot I got blistered and demanded we go home early! I'd have preferred a couple of weeks in Costa Rica...

Thanks for that, weluvhols

If I'm honest, and I'm aware I'm on shaky ground, but part of the reason I like being out of the country is that BIL can't get us to drive home if he's struggling with something ridiculous. I know I sound like a cunt. On the aforementioned caravanning holiday, we got on average 7 calls a days "what time does mum have medicine?" "what does mum like for dinner" (fuck's sake man, it's ALL written down) so in the end we came back 2 days early, lol. BIL is less encouraged to call if we're abroad because it's too expensive

I forgot to mention before that my depression is SAD triggered which is why it gets a bit tedious when the "winter" continues through the "summer"

Why don't you get a wee job to afford one? Weekends in a pub, Avon/Usbourne, babysitting, that sort of thing.

Xenia gave me the idea of babysitting on big holidays.

I made enough to pay for some car repairs by taking in a few kids overnight for New Year's Eve.

Scottishmummy, we are not entitled to a visiting carer. They're surprisingly hard to get hold of. I remember three years back when my grandma was dying of lung cancer/emphysema/joints packing in and my mum and uncle took on carer responsibilities until she was admitted into a hospice a week before she finally passed.

I do do most of the lifting of MIL myself. We have a stairlift for her but I get her in/out of bath and bed because MIL and DH thinks it might be a bit undignified for DH to do it and I'm inclined to agree.

I've spoken to my GP and guess what he said? "You need a holiday" LOL!

If dh doesn't want mil to go into a home perhaps you could suggest he stays at home and does your job and you go back to work.

I work full time and tbh am not sure I could do what you do.

I know what you mean about the holiday. Its not just 2 weeks in the sun is it, its the having something to look forward to, the planning and organising.

For me, its the time out from normal life. Which from your recent posts, sounds like you need.

I don't see why your MIL and DH and BIL and SIL get to decide that YOU are your mother-in-law's carer

I would say: No, I am getting a job. You sort this out between you.

Sorry but if this is affecting your mental health then you need to take back some control before you get completely ground down

Elle, regarding you not wanting to spend 'dh's money' - it is your money too, because you do work! As you said, you work from 6 am to 10 am. Its your half of the deal. You look after the children, he works. Therefore you should both be equally entitled to decide what the money gets spent on! He couldn't go out to work if you weren't looking after the kids, therefore he needs to give you some leeway.

I appreciate what you're saying about not wanting to get him to look after the children/mil when he gets back from 50 hr a week job - but you work 16 hrs a day, even if you only did it mon to fri - which i can't imagine you do - thats an 80 hr week. You aren't sitting at home doing nothing.

With regards to him being a bit hopeless looking after the kids - surely only way he'll learn is by practise? I imagine it'd be nice for your kids to have a bit of time just with Daddy, surely? Even if it isn't for you to have a part time job, just for you to have an hour or two to yourself - I'm not suprised you're struggling if you're constantly looking after everyone else.

Thankyou! Finally some mums who don't think I'm the worlds most selfish bitch for wanting some time out. And yes I KNOW we can get time out in a chalet in Minehead but I'm talking quality time where we're not bickering cos we're stuck in the room because it's hailing and there's fuck all to do

We went on a brilliant holiday last year to Greece. It cost £600 for the three of us, S/C and we spent about £500 there. I think that's OK for three of us for ten days. I tend to cook for us if we are S/C in the morning/afternoon then eat out at night. Save the cash for excursions/waterparks for LO.

Anyway, I neglected to tell you that DH left me a post-it this morning telling me that if I could find a holiday for under £600 for the three of us, we could go providing I make over £200 at the carboot so I'm feeling a little more optimistic that I a break might be on the horizon...

And you think a holiday is going to solve all your problems?

I have to congratulate your husband in such a case, he got off on the cheap!

Have no read the whole thread.

I have to say I agree with Quattro, SM and thumbwitch.

You want to go to Benidrom, go out there and earn the money to do it.

I've had severe PND/antenatal depression/depression for going on 7 years now.

Have terrible SAD.

Go see your GP. If that doesn't work, ask for a referral to a psychiatric nurse and consultant (for the severely depressed, a good GP will recommend referral without prompting).

We couldn't afford fun in the sun and felt in no way entitled.

Bought a used SAD lamp on Ebay and go for a walk outdoors every day.

Life's a trade off. Right now, I'm not working outside the home (DH was SAHD for 4 years but I'll have been 3 years SAHD come October) until DS is 2 in November and can go into a council-run nursery that takes childcare vouchers.

Break out the violins for me. NOT.

YIPPEE
Hope you're more successful at car-booting than I am!

Ella I think this holiday is a total red-herring, unless you are brain-dead already

Regarding the holiday, you can either afford it or you can't. I am concerned that you say you can barely afford mortgage payments when interest rates are their lowest ever. You know that these will increase after the election?

Regarding your own mental well-being, you currently seem to be do exactly as you are told, and acting as an unpaid carer for your DH's family. Are you happy with this? If so, fine. I just don't see how you CAN be, though.