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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I would be better off being a single parent?

206 replies

pinkypanther · 20/03/2010 11:30

DC1 is three weeks old (born by emergency caesarian section after becoming distressed during delivery and needed to spend four days in special care as a result)

DH took one week's paternity leave (all but one day of which DC1 and I were in hospital for) then went back to the office. He works long hours in a high pressure job and if I'm lucky he might be home by 8ish - frequently it is later (one night last week it was 10pm). As a result he does very little with the baby - maybe one evening feed and one nappy change. He doesn't help at all with anything before he goes to work and doesn't lift a finger around the house.

I am struggling as DC1 doesn't sleep much and just wants to feed all the time. Because of the section I can't drive for another three weeks and I feel totally trapped.

AIBU to think that I would be better off just leaving and going to stay with my mum for an extended period? At least then I would get some help and support...

OP posts:
coldtits · 20/03/2010 11:35

You want to leave your husband because he works?

Come on, I know you've just had a baby, but be fair. Would you rather he jacked his job, you lost the house and you had him around all the time but had no money?

If he has such a high powered job he cannot possibly help around the home, (and if he's working 14 hour days it's a touch unreasonable to expect him to) then you can afford a cleaner.

Instead of getting all dramatic about 'leaving' and 'being a single parent' why don't you go and stay with your mum for a week and leave him to fend for himself while you get looked after.

2shoes · 20/03/2010 11:36

he is supporting you, he is working, not like he is down the pub.

MrsC2010 · 20/03/2010 11:37

YABU, and a little mean. I expect he would far rather be with you and his new DC than at work, but obviously feels her has to be there.

meatntattypie · 20/03/2010 11:39

coldtits has a point you know pinky.

As i recall, i wanted to stab my dh in the head because he put a spoon in the fork draw the week after i had my section, i was feling rather unreasonable, all he was doing was washing and drying up.....

Please go to your mums for a week or two, for the help and support you need, but dont do any thing that drastic.

MrsC2010 · 20/03/2010 11:39

But if you need a break, do go away for a few days and be looked after through your recuperation. I would be loathe to take your new little one away for too long, your husband will undoutedly miss what little time he can spend with his first born.

Are there other issues? Cause this seems a little rash.

Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 11:40

Go and stay with your mum, but blameless on both sides. You need a break and more support, he needs to not feel guilty and inadequate.
My mum had to cope with an emergency cesarean and a husband overseas for 18 months. That was before mobiles and t'interweb to keep up communications. She went to her sisters.

MrsC2010 · 20/03/2010 11:40

undoubtedly

Madascheese · 20/03/2010 11:41

Sorry, you sound like you've had a tough time and therefore I feel a bit mean but I really went WTF! (I have deleted my inital response as I get a bit cross with people who say this)

You'd just have all the shit you have now but with no one to share it with and a lot less financial support, plus all the solicitors bills and the aggro.

Get a cleaner and get your Mum to come and stay with you.

It gets better.

MiffyWhinge · 20/03/2010 11:43

Sorry you are having a hard time and feel unsupported, if you had to provide for yourself and a few children (who are distressed after the death or disappearance of their father) at the same time as recovering from major surgery and cope with a newborn, without a parent or relative to turn to, you might revise your opinion of single parenthood.

Lean on anyone else who is around, get some domestic help if possible, and post as much as you want for support as it will all get easier in time.

Maggie00 · 20/03/2010 11:44

Good idea to go and say with your mum but don't apportion blame. I'm a 'real' single parent and tbh, you have somebody who is part of your team, another parent, in it for the children's futures and out there earning a salary. It's not really like being a single parent. BUT.... saying that, I nearly CRACKED UP after my second child was born. It's a tough time,, and if you need your Mum that's nobody's fault.

TottWriter · 20/03/2010 11:45

I think you need to talk to your health visitor about getting some support during the day. Try and get a referral to HomeStart, or call them yourself.

Don't blame your DH for this - he is working very hard at the moment, it's just that you can't see it because you're at home. But I don't think you're being unreasonable as such, because the period after birth is often filled with a lot of stress and hormones, and you feel as though you can't cope while your DH doesn't help you. Whether that's an accurate picture of the situation from an outsider's perspective is irrelevant - it's how you feel, and you're the one recovering from a c-section. Not everyone gets happy and bouyed up after the birth of their child, and it sounds to me like you have at least a case of the baby blues. Get some support, but don't overreact and blame your DH and then 'leave him' even if it is only temporarily. It will hurt him and your relationship - would it be any easier for your mother to come and stay for a few days until you've recovered a bit more? if not, you need to ask for support during the day.

Morloth · 20/03/2010 11:48

Forget the housework or get a cleaner.

But you are utterly utterly mad to think that life would be easier as a single parent than with a loving husband who is working hard to look after you both.

He can't physically be there and hold down a job. Can your Mum come and stay with you for a bit?

The first few weeks are hard going - it is the same for everyone.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 20/03/2010 11:49

No, I'm sorry, if he gets home at 8pm and presumably goes to bed around 10, 11pm, he can help with the housework.

I work 12 hour days. I get home, play with child, cook, feed, bath, clean up while husband does bedtime routine, I have half an hour after she goes to bed to myself, then I go to bed so I'm slept for the next day. I do the night wakes (usually only 1-2 now, she's 15 mo).

He can't help when he's not there, but if he's doing 14 hour days, and sleeping 8, and has a newborn, he should be spending most of that last 2 hours helping.

OP, don't leave, he doesn't mean to be like this, you're hormonal, it'll get better I promise. He just hasn't made the shift yet.

But the rest of you 'oh he can't help'? Show me the new mother who's only doing a 14 hour day and I'll agree with you.

GypsyMoth · 20/03/2010 11:53

bit of an insult to us real 'lone' parents!!!

get a grip!! he works,hard by the sounds of it...

Madascheese · 20/03/2010 11:54

Tortoise, I don't think anyone is suggesting she should be mixing martinis for him, just that and warming his slippers for him, just that the pair of them might need some extra support making the shift.

IMO better for Pinky's Mum to come and stay rather than Pinky to go to Mums if possible.

Stand by my point that there are few situations where being a single parent is 'better' and that at least Pinky's OH is working.

lifeas3plus1 · 20/03/2010 11:58

When I had Dc1 my Dp wasn't entitled to any paternity leave. He had to go back to work when Ds was 4 day's old and that was only because it was a weekend. If he was born during the week Dp would of had to go back to work the next day. He was leaving at 7am and not getting home until 8pm.

It is exhausting being on your own all day with a newborn but I knew we needed the money and without it we would have been homeless.

By all means, go and stay with your mum for a week and be looked after but please don't make such rash decisions about leaving.

Dp now works away Monday to Friday and sometimes I do feel like a single parent and it is bloody hard but I cherish the time we have at the weekends and without it I would probably lose my mind.

Talk to your Dp about how your feeling before making any big decisions though. Honestly being a single parent is not much fun.

violethill · 20/03/2010 12:02

YABVU. Maybe it's hormonal, in your defence, but I think you need to be careful how this comes across to your DH, in case he gets seriously hacked off at being treated so dismissively for going out to work.

He had a week's paternity leave. Be bloody thankful he was able to take that much. Those of us with older children remember the days before there was no such thing as paternity leave. Husbands took a day off for the birth and that was it. My DH was back at work the day after I had a CS. No point whinging, that was how it was for everyone. And my baby was in NICU for quite a long time, and yes, it's a big inconvenience not being able to drive, but you have to find ways around it. At least you only have one baby, not other toddlers to care for too.

Your husband has a job, a high powered one. He has pressure on him to meet targets, work hard. Don't blame him for doing that. Would you rather he ditched his job? BTW your baby sounds like a perfectly normal newborn. Broken nights and constant feeding are the norm. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it's very unfair to complain about having a 3 week old baby and a busy husband.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 12:05

Can you afford a cleaner, or one of those nurse type people who come and help after you have had a baby? I forget what they're called, but there are one sort who do all the baby stuff and another sort who will help with the baby and cleaning a bit and cooking.

Otherwise if you are feeling that you're not coping then going to your mums for a while might be an idea - not going in a huff but going as a practical solution to this problem.

I am also of the opinion that your DH could be doing stuff to help out - if he's literally not lifting a finger then that seems pretty rubbish. Lots of people work long hours and are still able to get their OH a cup of tea, do an online shop, prepare a quick meal, shove a wash in, load the dishwasher/do a spot of washing up. Not all of the housework, obviously, but he should be helping you. He has the weekends as well, presumably.

Original poster
pinkypanther · 20/03/2010 12:08

Hmm. Thanks all. Maybe I do need to chill out a bit.

My mum did come down for a week (week two) and it was brilliant - just someone else to help and share with. I feel I am really missing that support now...

For what it's worth, I am not down on DH because he works - more that he doesn't make an effort. He has now buggered off gone out - so I am again at home with DC1. I just want a bit of a break I suppose.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 20/03/2010 12:09

sounds like oyu've had a really , really tough time, and your hormones are all over the place

however, a newborn does not slepp much and does need feeding constantly.

that is the way it is

check with your insurance company re the driving, if you are healed and can do an emergecny stop, you should be fine to drive

why not get your mum to stay with you for a few days?

surely you must have known your DHs work hours woudl not change when the baby arrived

it is unfair to move out ofr an extended period of time, so he spends NO time with his newborn

if you want help and support -

get your mum to stay with you

if you can afford it, get a cleaner or nanny, maternity nurse or post natal doula

if he is out workng to provide a roof over your head, then i am afraid i cannot see that you would be better off as a single parent

if he was off pissing money up the wall at the pub or out with the lads, then you might have a point

punishing him by moving out iwht the baby is not the right way to go about this

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 20/03/2010 12:11

If he's going out in the evenings socialising, YANBU. That's totally out of line this early on.

Madascheese, I was responding to coldtits' post, which seemed to assume that long hours meant he couldn't be expected to lift a finger. I disagree.

Lulumaam · 20/03/2010 12:11

i know it sounds harsh, but probably 95% of new mothers have to just get on with it

they don't have family who can help or extended paternity leave or money for extra help

it is a shock to the system though, however prepared you thin you are, and it does take time to adjust

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 12:16

Have you actually asked him to help out, asked him to do specific things?

Where has he gone now? How long has he gone out for?

Madascheese · 20/03/2010 12:18

Sorry tortoise - I get properly on my arse about this one and am may be being slight U myself!

I am a single parent who works 2 jobs to support my DS because ex was such an 'artist' he literally didn't lift a finger unless it was against me.

He has never paid a penny of maintenence for the son he wanted (despite his family being so rich no one needs to work and they have houses everywhere) I also have legal bills stacking up to £25k for the custody battle because I'm an unfit mother (not the right religion appar)

Being a single/lone whatever you call yourself parent is not easy and I get truly upset when people suggest it's an easier option without good reason.

mad goes off for a nice calming cup of dandelion tea

violethill · 20/03/2010 12:20

I think working those hours, his priority should be to spend time with his baby when he's not working. It's also entirely reasonable that he does a share of jobs like stacking the dishwasher, or putting out the rubbish - and certainly any heavy lifting.

But I think if you are the parent at home full time, then the responsibility lies with you to do all the night time wake ups (after all, you don't have to get up and go to work at a certain time) plus the bulk of the housework and home stuff. Obviously having had a csection there will be heavy stuff you can't do.

But I agree that the majority of new parents probably can't afford paid help. Also not all fathers can afford a week off when their child is born.

I think what the OP describes is pretty normal.