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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I would be better off being a single parent?

206 replies

pinkypanther · 20/03/2010 11:30

DC1 is three weeks old (born by emergency caesarian section after becoming distressed during delivery and needed to spend four days in special care as a result)

DH took one week's paternity leave (all but one day of which DC1 and I were in hospital for) then went back to the office. He works long hours in a high pressure job and if I'm lucky he might be home by 8ish - frequently it is later (one night last week it was 10pm). As a result he does very little with the baby - maybe one evening feed and one nappy change. He doesn't help at all with anything before he goes to work and doesn't lift a finger around the house.

I am struggling as DC1 doesn't sleep much and just wants to feed all the time. Because of the section I can't drive for another three weeks and I feel totally trapped.

AIBU to think that I would be better off just leaving and going to stay with my mum for an extended period? At least then I would get some help and support...

OP posts:
Maggie00 · 20/03/2010 12:21

not the right religion!? surely that would be laughed out of court.

Mongolia · 20/03/2010 12:24

Oh yes, you will be better off as a single mum . Do you know what being a single mum means?

Go with your mum, you could hardly survive the associated stresses of being a single mum of small children if you are breaking down at your DH not being able to do much with the baby. You are reasonable to expect your DH to do more even if the is the CEO of Coca Cola, but you are unreasonable to think you will be better of as a single mum.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 20/03/2010 12:25

"But I think if you are the parent at home full time, then the responsibility lies with you to do all the night time wake ups (after all, you don't have to get up and go to work at a certain time) plus the bulk of the housework and home stuff"

Fuck, really? I'll have to tell my husband that from now on I'm only doing the bin run and the occasional cup of tea.

Come on, I understand that some of you have had hard times as new mums, does that mean that the OP's partner gets to go out boozing with the boys with a three week old at home?

MrsChemist · 20/03/2010 12:27

OP I have much sympathy but YABU. My DH also works long hours, 6 days a week and sometimes I think he could spend more time with us and help me around the house, but in the end he works so hard for us.

He really doesn't want to be at work all hours of the day, but we need the money. It's hard being at home alone with a demanding baby, but I think it's just as hard going to work for 12+ hours a day knowing you'll possibly only get glimpses of your family.

I agree with the posters that say perhaps go to your mums, but not in a mood. Even if your still up at all hours feeding, it takes the pressure off having to do the housework for a few days, an that few days will make you feel much more refreshed.

pamplem0usse · 20/03/2010 12:27

I think it sounds like you've had a pretty difficult time, and it's really important that you take some steps to stop yourself from slumping into PN depression.
If you can afford to, get a cleaner. Or else think of how you can re-budget to do so.
How far can you get sans car in terms of shops and services? Are there any other Mums at a similar stage that you can meet up with (NCT group?) or a mother and baby group that you can go to? Just having chance to let off steam might help!
There are lots of Mum and Baby cinema groups now, maybe this would be a (relatively) relaxing way of spending some time?
And as others have said, maybe stay with your Mum/ a sibling/ a good friend for a few days to get a bit of extra help.
And communicate communicate communicate, - does your DH know how you feel about him going off out and leaving you at home on a Saturday?
I don't think this is really an AIBU thread, I just think you need some suggestions!

Sakura · 20/03/2010 12:28

I think he should be doing more. From the moment he gets home at 8 he should be helping you around the house. Some men find it difficult to accept life has changed, albeit temporarily, when you have a newborn, because for them not much really has changed: their body is the same, they go out to work just like they did before etc. Your DH needs to know that its not forever but he does need to put in a few extra hours in the morning and evening to help you. It'll be a month at most and then the newborn chaos is over but he does need to help you more IMO.
Or go to your mums, that'd be the best thing to do. You don't split up over something like this, but you are not being unreasonable for being irritated. Your DH just doesn't get it yet.

violethill · 20/03/2010 12:29

No. I didn't say going out boozing was ok.

But yes, I totally think that if one parent is home full time and one works outside the home, then part of being at home means taking responsibility for the bulk of home stuff. After all, you're physically there to do it! I do know what I'm talking about - I was at home full time on maternity leave with a new born and two other children, and I saw it as my responsibility to do the majority of home stuff, as I wasn't having to combine outside work too. When I went back to paid employment, DH and I did a 50:50 split of household stuff. When the children woke in the night, we would take turns in dealing with them.

Seems entirely reasonable to me.

Maggie00 · 20/03/2010 12:30

I'm a single parent but I sympathise with the OP. go easy on her. tough time.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/03/2010 12:30

get a cleaner. Get the shopping delivered. Order takeaways. If you can afford it even get a laundry/ironing service.
I can imagine it's a fucking nightmare with a newborn, post CS and on your own most of the time. DH didn't work much for about 4 weeks after DS was born - was great but we were very broke! Chuck money at the problem - but also you should ask DH to do more when he gets in. You are working 24/7 and he doesn't get to 'relax' all evening just because he's been at work all day - IMO he should give you at least an hour off, every evening, where you don't have any responsibility for the baby.

boiledeggandsoldiers · 20/03/2010 12:33

Pinky, Please talk to your DH about this, and accept whatever help you can around the house. Are there any baby groups you can get out to? I think you need to resolve this one quite quickly before resentment against your DH builds up.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 12:35

where did the OP say he'd gone out boozing??

Original poster
pinkypanther · 20/03/2010 12:35

Just in answer to Mongolia - yes, I do know what being a single mum means - I was one of three children brought up by a single mother. I am under no illusions that it is a bed of roses but in many ways it would cut my workload (in that I wouldn't have to spend time cleaning up after DH as well as looking after the baby...)

I meant it when I said he doesn't lift a finger - he literally does nothing.

At the moment he has gone to the DIY shop to look at some flooring - I don't object to that per se, but it would have been nice had he suggested that we all go, rather than just disappearing again (like he did last weekend when he went to a gig with his mates).

Anyway, I get the tenor of this thread, which is that life with a new baby is hard, and I should suck it up! Thanks all.

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/03/2010 12:37

Also make sure when he is doing stuff for the baby you just leave him to get on with it. Don't comment on dodgy nappy application/clothes co-ordination. He can do it as well as you can.

When he gets in at 8, give him a minute and then hand over bubs and go have a long hot shower/bath or something. Just leave them together, they will sort it out.

I don't think anyone on here thinks he should just get to check out of home life because he works long hours, but the assumption that you would be better off without him is what is sticking in people's teeth.

There have been times over the years when I have felt like a single parent due to DH's job. But to be honest I haven't had to worry about working/supporting DS and I at all during that time. The money is a trade off you make for time.

saggyhairyarse · 20/03/2010 12:37

I'm in a similar situation in that DH works long hours (most do, you know?) and DC1 was in SCBU for 3 weeks but DH did not take his paternity leave until DB came home (bit late for you to do anything about that) but you made the decision for him to take the time when your DB was still in hospital.

Your DB is only 3 weeks old, I do find it quite funny that you want a break now (when your DH has been on leave and your DM has spent time with you), you may not get much of a break for quite some time to come (am thinking nursery school age) as that is what having young children is like!

I am not unsympathetic but I am wondering why you thought it would be any different? Am assuming your DH did the same job before the baby came...

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 12:38

but it doesn't cut your workload even if he's not lifting a finger.

At the moment he's bringing the money in.......if you're a single parent you then become responsible for that, and in my experience being the one fully responsible for making sure there's money (whether it's from paid work or benefits) for housing costs, bills, food, etc is much more stressful than having to do all the work yourself.

Lulumaam · 20/03/2010 12:41

why not go with him to choose flooring? you don't hve to stay at home?

he is not a mind reader, you both need to sit and talk about your expectations, what you thought parenthood would be and how you can both help each other and be involved as s familky, rather than oyu already thinking hta tyou are better off alone

talk to him!!

Lulumaam · 20/03/2010 12:43

did you discuss all this when your were pregnant? did you talk about who would do what, what you would expect your DH to do, what he would expecr you to do?

did he always workj long hours and did you presume he would cut those hours?

seems there could be a mssavie gap between expecrtations and reality and lack of communiation

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 12:45

"When he gets in at 8, give him a minute and then hand over bubs and go have a long hot shower/bath or something. "

blardy hell when XH and I both worked and we had young children I would have been absolutely fuming if he'd just handed the children over as soon as I'd taken my shoes and jacket off when I got in from work! (we worked opposite shifts).

I expected a bit of wind down time before having the children thrust back at me again.

FWIW - I do think the OP needs to talk to her DH about doing some things when he's at home, however I also thinks she needs to accept

Firstly - not much is going to get done in these first few weeks anyhow

Secondly - that as she's the one at home all day once routines settle down she will be doing the bulk of the housework anyhow.

Early days/weeks with a baby are tough,but they do come to an end (an then they start creating even more mess so even if you have a saint for a DH who helps around loads there'll be even more work to do in keeping the place tidy )

Nancy66 · 20/03/2010 12:48

I think you are being totally unreasonable.

It sounds like he works very hard indeed.

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 12:56

Agree with saggy- did this not get discussed when you were expecting? Why is it a shock that he is working long hours all of a sudden? And as for going to look at flooring- I assume that means he will be doing something around the house then? Mine didnt even do that so you are better off than some!
I think you just feel isolated overtired and hormonal and its perfectly reasonable to feel resentful of the other half who can effectively go out and leave the stress of bringing up a child to someone else, however I bet he wishes it wasnt the way and he could see his baby more often.
Sit down and talk, feeling resentful is awful and just eats away inside.

violethill · 20/03/2010 12:57

I agree Toccata.

I think it's very easy to fall into the mindset of thinking that being at home is so much harder than being out at work. Once you're a parent you're a parent. It doesn't all go away just because you're combining it with work outside the home. Neither do housework, cooking or shopping go away. Neither do the kids waking up in the night. At least if you are home full time, you can concentrate solely on that - you have no responsibility to get up and out to work, function in a high pressure environment and earn a living. In the long term, the OP needs to decide whether she would prefer to share responsibilities more equitably, so that she has responsibility to earn too, and her DH has more responsibility around the home. For the moment, she's presumably on maternity leave anyway, so she needs to take on the bulk of the caring and home role.

I don't really know what the OP expected TBH. It all sounds so normal to me. Agree also that she should have gone along to choose the flooring. She doesn't need to wait for an invitation!

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 12:59

Toccata- she has been working all day (and getting up in the night) too...and this is her husbands child after all shes not just handing over a random child she cant be bothered to look after.
I dont get why a working persons 'work' finishes when they get home and they can relax whereas a mother is expected to do it 24/7 without any break?

mamas12 · 20/03/2010 13:00

Pinky
You need to talk to your dh about this.
Do you know it is so unfair this modern family unit phenomena of the mother being on her own all the time.
In days gone by when people didn't move far from their home town and therefore always had help of some kind aroung due to being close to both sides of the family, it was easier.
Maybe annoying in another way but at least someone would be there to pick up the slack.
It is so hard to be expected to do everything as you did before and cope with a newborn and your new body as it is now.
I think you are in a slight state of shock like I was tbh and need to communicate this to your dh and become friends again.

MillyMollyMoo · 20/03/2010 13:01

Hang on in there the first 12 months are the worse but they fly by and then you'll be sad your baby is growing up. And then have another one

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:01

You could also say though as her DH was willing to become a father he should be happy to take on some of the care of his own child- it works both ways!