Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I would be better off being a single parent?

206 replies

pinkypanther · 20/03/2010 11:30

DC1 is three weeks old (born by emergency caesarian section after becoming distressed during delivery and needed to spend four days in special care as a result)

DH took one week's paternity leave (all but one day of which DC1 and I were in hospital for) then went back to the office. He works long hours in a high pressure job and if I'm lucky he might be home by 8ish - frequently it is later (one night last week it was 10pm). As a result he does very little with the baby - maybe one evening feed and one nappy change. He doesn't help at all with anything before he goes to work and doesn't lift a finger around the house.

I am struggling as DC1 doesn't sleep much and just wants to feed all the time. Because of the section I can't drive for another three weeks and I feel totally trapped.

AIBU to think that I would be better off just leaving and going to stay with my mum for an extended period? At least then I would get some help and support...

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 13:05

He is, she's not having to worry about managing anything else except the baby. Like a job, or scavenging for food and shelter. Or if she can afford to heat the house.

Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 13:08

In fact, if she chose to become a single parent she'd still have to manage all that she is at the moment without having a target for her resentment. A magic fairy won't pop up and wave a wand to solve all the issues.
Is having a baby something you both chose and discussed before you went ahead? And what did you agree would be his responsibilities towards the newborn on a daily/weekly basis?

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:08

Caring for a child involves far more than simply earning money- what do you think people who are on jobseekers/have their housing benefit paid for do- simply ignore their children because they have taken care of the roof over the head and food on the table part of it? What a prehistoric view!

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:09

RedRedWine - no one has said a working person's work 'finishes' and they clock off when they get home. Of course they are a parent and should take a share of looking after the child - and they probably want to as well, having been out at work all day!

All that's being said is that working outside the home is a very different pressure - and the more high powered the job, the harder that is. You have to get up and be on time. You have to deal with clients, maybe deal with potentially dangerous or difficult situations - and no one will make excuses for you being tired. If you're at home, you don't have that pressure. On the worst of days you can stay in your pyjamas and slob on the sofa. The OP only has one newborn too - it's not as though she has to do the school run with a new born, or manage a toddler racing around too.

OK - it's tough having a newborn, but frankly, it will be harder when she has another one, and it will be harder when she goes back to work (if she does). So I think she needs to get some perspective here!

mazzystartled · 20/03/2010 13:10

OP knows her she is being dramatic, but bless her she's knackered, hormonal, sleep deprived, recovering from surgery, dealing with the major shock of having an unencumbered adult life whisked away from her.

There is nothing that can't be sorted out by having a proper calm conversation with your DH. The gig thing was taking the piss IMO, but let it go now; the flooring thing - well he probably thinks he's helping.

Can you
get your mum to come and stay again
get your DH to book a week's leave in a week or two
definitely get a cleaner, even if just for a couple of months
ask your DH to be a bit more flexible about his approach to work - to do 2 or 3 late nights till 10 but promise to be home at a reasonable time the other 2.

the first 6 weeks are the worst btw, it generally gets a lot easier afterwards

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:11

My husband stays at home and looks after the kids, I bring the money home. I still acknowledge we had children TOGETHER those children are mine and as a parent it is my duty to also provide care for them not just putting a wage in the bank! And trust me I work damn hard being at uni and working, but I always make time for our children.

Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 13:13

That's me, prehistoric
So, let her try life as a single parent and see if she finds it easier.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 13:16

I didn't say he shouldn't expect to do something - I said that handing the child over after " a minute" is bloody unfair and it would have pissed me off HUGELY.

I used to get in from work at 7.15am, didn't usually go to bed until 8/9am ish though, usually stayed up to say good morning to the DS's while DH got them ready for school.

If he'd have suggested that I should be the one to get them up "because I was home" I would have hit the bloody roof (actually I did on some occasions when they had woken up earlier than normal and so were awake when I got in and he tried to palm them off on me straight away)

If you read my post properly you'll see that I didn't say he should get away with doing nothing - she should do talk to him to agree things that he should do. But she shouldn't expect him to come home and take straight over with everything - otherwise where is the fairness in that? She gets a break from her "job" but he goes straight from one to another?

There has to be a meeting point. They shold BOTH be getting "time out" (from work and housestuff)

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:19

Uhhm but he does get a break or he wouldnt have been able to go to a gig with his mates!

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:21

And leaving the house to go to work is having a break also- I dont mean having a break from working but if you work in the home, live in the home and are not able to escape even for a short time then it gets very isolating and depressing.

Megletwantsittobesummer · 20/03/2010 13:25

pinky I found the first few weeks after my em cs were the worst weeks of my life. I was in pain, miserable and tired. I didn't have much help and XP wasn't that helpful.

If I were you I'd go to your mums for a few days so you can recover. What about mon-fri while your DH is at work, then come the weekend you can do something as a family together.

I tried to make sure I got a break from my baby every so often even if it was just to pop to the corner shop or walk round the block. Or for someone to walk the baby in the pushchair so I could have a shower and cup of tea in peace for 20 mins or so.

The first few weeks are a huge learning curve and you and your DH need to find a new balance / routine .

Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 13:25

If I was feeling attacked for my lack of commitment, that working to provide for my family wasn't enough and had a partner who thought they'd be better off without me, I wouldn't want to hang around either.
Honestly, didn't the OP discuss any of this with her husband? They had 9 months to have a plan with ground rules.

TheCrackFox · 20/03/2010 13:26

I feel very sorry for the OP. The first few months with a new baby are horrendous. No sleep, isolation, physically recovering from giving birth and learning actually how to be a mother can be overwhelming.

My Dh is a chef and works crazy hours. Yes he was doing it for his family but at times I resented him. His life seemed to carrying on regardless whilst I stayed at home with a permanently grumpy baby.

8 years later I can see that I was being unfair to DH. He loved us all and worked hard in a job that sometimes he hates.

OP, go easy on yourself and your DH. Try and speak to him calmly about how you are feeling. He probably has no idea and assumes all women are "complete" with a baby.

A baby massivley affects the best of relationships and it will take time to properly feel like a family.

In the meantime I suggest that you speak to your HV.

Good luck.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 13:26

leaving the house to go to work is having a break

wasn't when I left for work each night.....

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:28

RedRedWine - if you are at home all day, you can still get out for walks, visit parent and baby groups etc etc - whatever floats your boat. Even if money is tight you can do those things. For example, during last maternity I took my car off the road, as I couldn't afford to run it, but I was still able to stick the baby in the pram and my toddler in the back pack and go for walks. There is no need to sit in the house all day. I think that provides far more of a break than going to work does tbh!! In fact as a teacher, the idea of going to work 'for a break' makes me LOL!!

I totally agree that being at home long term can be isolating and depressing - so if the OP feels like that she should go back to work, and then quite reasonably expect her DH to do more around the home. But she's only 3 weeks in to having a baby! I would be really surprised if she's bored yet! It seems more a case that she's finding it hard work.

Pikelit · 20/03/2010 13:29

You need a proper conversation with your DH. Otherwise the feelings you have now are likely to fester and tarnish any future you have with each other. Somewhere along this negative line resentment of your child will click in too.

I say this because I didn't listen to my own advice.

TheCrackFox · 20/03/2010 13:31

I didn't listen to my own advise Piklet and I developed terrible PND.

I see the same hallmarks in pinkypanther and she should see her HV to try and develop some strategies to prevent this happening. There is help out there.

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:32

I think you make a very good point there Pikelit.

Try to remember there's an innocent baby in the middle of all this, with two parents who between them need to find a way to earn money and care for the child. The detail of how you go about this is for you, the parents, to discuss. But harbouring resentment of the other partner and feeling they have the 'better deal' is just soul destroying.

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:33

Going out to work is a break from the children and the household routine. I didnt say it was a break from work in fact I said it wasn't...

Ivykaty44 · 20/03/2010 13:33

TBH I think your dh is acting like a shit - I would be most put out if one a saturday aternoon three weeks after having a baby my dp had pissed off to the DIY shop to look at flooring:

how the fuck is he going to pick flooring without me? Surely we should have gone together

and to think the weekend before he went to a gig - seems to me like he hasn't realised he is now a father.

best me thinks if when he comes back form said DIY shop I would pop out for a wlak until next feeding time is due

leace daddy with his newborn to get aquanted

Oh and if you are not b/feeding then pop out ofr a longer walk

let him get his hans dirty

and oh when you get back just do a gone out frown look - well your the daddy matey I do remember you being there when this little baby was started you need to parent aswell.

some men shy away as they don't know what to do - they soon learn if left alone...

BrahmsThirdRacket · 20/03/2010 13:34

YANBU to feel stressed but you won't be better off as a single parent.

I think all the people on here going 'Oh but he's working hard for you' are being staggeringly naive. Do you know how many blokes actively choose to up their hours when a new baby comes along, just to minimise the amount of domestic stuff they have to do with it? A lot. I worked with quite a few of them.

Pinky, you need to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling, and how you would feel much better if he was at home more. I think it is ridiculous that he is out socialising and going to gigs in the evening - he needs to sack that off immediately. Why does his life get to carry on as normal? It's his baby too.

As someone else said, chuck some money at the problem. Get a cleaner, order shopping online. Can you afford a nanny for a bit?

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:34

So the OP was incapable of getting in the car too to look for flooring?

Come on - she's a grown up too!

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:36

Exactly Brahms- his child too, why should it be the woman who is always expected to put up and shut up just because she spends the majority of the time at home?

macdoodle · 20/03/2010 13:37

OP Really bad choice of wording in yoyr thread title for AIBU, us lone parents on here are going to get twitched....

FWIW, its bloody hard after a section with a newborn, and if you resent your H then even worse!

Hard to tell if your H is a real twat and you may very well be better off as a lone parent (I was my XH did NOTHING.....but he also earned nothing so I supported him, funded his failed business, AND did everything, oh and then was expected to "service" him as well, oh and he treated me like shit mostly as well...so in fact I was SOOOOO much better off without him on all counts )!

Or if he is just a good guy working hard, who doesnt really get what it means to have a new baby, and thinks he can just carry on, and maybe just needs a good talk to clear the air!

I suspect the latter, and you are just venting, being a lone parent is very very hard for lots of reasons, and very lonely, no one to share your parenting with (ups and downs)

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:38

I think some people are reading another thread! No one has said put up and shut up. Most of us have said the opposite - TALK TO HIM!!!!!!!!!

We've just also pointed out that as he works extremely long hours in a high pressure job, maybe she ought to appreciate that before running off to her mum. She's had a baby FGS - broken nights and constant feeding are NORMAL!