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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I would be better off being a single parent?

206 replies

pinkypanther · 20/03/2010 11:30

DC1 is three weeks old (born by emergency caesarian section after becoming distressed during delivery and needed to spend four days in special care as a result)

DH took one week's paternity leave (all but one day of which DC1 and I were in hospital for) then went back to the office. He works long hours in a high pressure job and if I'm lucky he might be home by 8ish - frequently it is later (one night last week it was 10pm). As a result he does very little with the baby - maybe one evening feed and one nappy change. He doesn't help at all with anything before he goes to work and doesn't lift a finger around the house.

I am struggling as DC1 doesn't sleep much and just wants to feed all the time. Because of the section I can't drive for another three weeks and I feel totally trapped.

AIBU to think that I would be better off just leaving and going to stay with my mum for an extended period? At least then I would get some help and support...

OP posts:
Megletwantsittobesummer · 20/03/2010 13:39

violet She may be too tired and run down to get organised for a short outing (I know I usually was ). And her DH might have just nipped out on the spur of the moment while she was feeding / changing etc without considering whether she might like to have gone too.

Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 13:39

I did 6 weeks at home before having to go back to work, leaving OH as a househusband. Both times.
Believe me, if I'd had a choice I'd have leapt at SAHM like a rottweiller.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 13:40

RedWine you are spectaularliy missing the point.

You say he should be helping out with the houswork and baby when he's at home to give her a break.

She is at home all day, so needs a break....and she should get that when he gets home from work.

He's out at work all day, and he's just expected to come home from working and carrying on working.

Where does he get HIS break from working - where does HE get his "time out"??

That is what she needs to discuss with her DH, how they can BOTH have time do something that isn't work/housework/parenting. Not say well she gets to have the break to go for walk/long bath/shop but he's not allowed.

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:42

Meglet - that's why they need to talk! If they can't even have a conversation about who's going to the flooring shop then things must be bad!

I think even if you're tired and have had a really interrupted night, it's not beyond most people to get out for a short walk, if that's the only thing she needs to focus on all day. Remember if she had other children, she'd be having to get them up and off to school, or looking after a demanding toddler too. I'm all for being sympathetic to a degree, but ultimately many people have things far tougher. I do think the OP needs to accept that this is what life with a newborn is like.

Ivykaty44 · 20/03/2010 13:45

violet - op is not legally alound to drive is she for 6 weeks - are you suggesting that she drives without insurance?? Is that whats being a big girls about breaking the law

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:46

Im spectacularly missing the point yet you havent acknowledged that he has been out to a gig with his mates and sodded off on his own at the weekend....

And FWIW I havent said he should come home and continue to work but provide some care for the child HE and his wife created together- what on earth is so unreasonable about that?

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:46

Agree Toccata.

And with a 3 week old baby there WILL be times that it sleeps, even if its in short burst, so the OP can lie on the sofa then. Her DH can't - he's out working.

And when you're feeding a baby you can sit down and rest - often for long periods of time.

If the OP is struggling this much,then god help her if she has another child, because she wouldn't even be able catch a nap during the day!

MinnieMalone · 20/03/2010 13:46

I remember feeling like this after my first baby was born. I hadn't quite realised when I signed up for becoming a mum that I would be having an emergency section, then having to recover while feeding a non-sleeping baby for weeks and weeks on end on my own, while DH worked seemingly endlessly.

It was the loneliest, most exhausting period of my life.

Don't wade in and throw all of your toys ut of the pram right now, though. You are tired, hormonal, fragile. Motherhood can be a huge shock to the system (is for most of us, actually).

Definitely go to your mum's (or get her to come to you) and get some TLC. Talk to your DH (when you're feeling calm) about whether there night be a better way to manage the time you do have so that you get some rest/support and he gets some time bonding with your baby. Maybe at weekends you get a half day or an evening 'off'?

It will get easier, too, you know. In a year's time you will have a chubby little toddler who doesn't feed every 10 mins and may even be sleeping (I say 'may' ). You might even be back at work yourself.

Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 13:46

I think the suggestion was that she go as a passenger in the car?

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:47

IVY - where have I suggested the OP drives anywhere?! You don't need a car to go out for a walk!

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:48

Her DH doesnt need to be tired at work though as she sorts out the night feeds etc...thats not to say he cant do anything at any other time!

MinnieMalone · 20/03/2010 13:48

I also think it's really uncharitable to be shouting the OP down as if she is being a spoilt little cow. She is a NEW MUM. reember how that felt? it is really, really hard for some people. I find it much easier now, with two children including one with special needs, then I did with my first in the early days.
Have a heart.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 13:51

no I haven't because I see no need to.

As he is entitled to do these things AS LONG AS THEY TALK ABOUT IT AND AGREE TIMES SHE CAN DO THINGS LIKE THAT AS WELL

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:52

Agree Minnie. Anyone would think she is asking her DH to give up work so she can lie down while he fans her and puts grapes in her mouth. God forbid a man help out with the child he also created.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 13:52

lol @ he doesn't need to be tired at work.

God lucky him, I was frequently tired at work - many jobs can be just as tiring as being at home with the children.

Just because you don't have yor children to look after doesn't mean that you dont' get tired

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:55

Yes we all get tired at work or not- seeings as he doesnt help out that will be significantly reduced for him though wont it?

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:56

Yes, of course, RedRedWine, because having a high pressure career with long hours is just SO easy isn't it?!!!

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:57

Yes of course Violethill having a 3 week old with no help from its father is so easy isn't it pointless argument much?

Fel1x · 20/03/2010 13:58

my god, the baby is 3 WEEKS old! and OP has had a C section.
I do think its unreasonable of the DH to do NOTHING except go to work and relax/go out with his friends or to look at flooring when he is not working.
At the very least he should be taking a fair share of things on at the weekends, not bugger off out to look at flooring without even discussing with the OP!

Goblinchild · 20/03/2010 13:59

He does an evening feed and a nappy change.

Still think she'd be better off going to her mother in the short term and talking to him, and agreeing some ground rules in the long run.

violethill · 20/03/2010 13:59

She didn't say he gives no help though did she? Read the OP. He does a feed and change when he's home from work. He can't exactly do them long distance from the office can he?!

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 13:59

I have worked 14 hour shifts. Ive also had three or four assignments to do at the same time and have to work part time alongside this.

All the more reason for me to spend my spare time with my children.

I cant believe some people think working and tiredness is an excuse to be a poor parent and husband.

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 14:01

Maybe you ought to read it Violet- it says maybe not that he does it as a regular thing.

violethill · 20/03/2010 14:01

If he's a poor husband, that's a far bigger issue, and maybe there's a lot they should have discussed before even thinking of embarking on a pregnancy!

But if he's a hard working husband doing long hours, and she's a new mother with a newborn baby - then I think the OP needs to accept that yeap, it's hard work!!

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:02

well I assume that they have discussed getting new flooring at some point? And as others have said she could have gone with him.

And tbh going to look at flooring this weekend (at lunchtime) and a gig last weekend is hardly buggering off to the pub every night is it?

Doing those things is NOT an issue (imo) UNLESS the OP doesn't get to do stuff she wants to do as well.

Which is why she needs to talk to him.

And lets be clear the OP didn't say that he did NOTHING, she did say he does very little - but ime very little is a lot different from nothing.

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