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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I would be better off being a single parent?

206 replies

pinkypanther · 20/03/2010 11:30

DC1 is three weeks old (born by emergency caesarian section after becoming distressed during delivery and needed to spend four days in special care as a result)

DH took one week's paternity leave (all but one day of which DC1 and I were in hospital for) then went back to the office. He works long hours in a high pressure job and if I'm lucky he might be home by 8ish - frequently it is later (one night last week it was 10pm). As a result he does very little with the baby - maybe one evening feed and one nappy change. He doesn't help at all with anything before he goes to work and doesn't lift a finger around the house.

I am struggling as DC1 doesn't sleep much and just wants to feed all the time. Because of the section I can't drive for another three weeks and I feel totally trapped.

AIBU to think that I would be better off just leaving and going to stay with my mum for an extended period? At least then I would get some help and support...

OP posts:
RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 14:04

Yes Violet I agree with that-however HIS child exists now and there is more to being a father than bringing home a wage and sitting in his string vest reading the paper while lovely lady serves her hard working man and tends to child...

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:04

ok Redwine - I'll put this another way

Do you think that the OP should have an opportunity to mooch into town (baby free) to window shop for an hour or so, or have a nice long soak in the bath, or go out to a gig with her friends?

RedRedWine1980 · 20/03/2010 14:05

It is an issue if a childs father is out the house more than in even when he isnt working IMO, children bonding with their father is actually important too...

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:09

but he's only been out twice according to the OP - once to a gig last weekend (I presume it wasn't the entire weekend?) and he went out at lunchtime to look at flooring.

You really think that that adds up to him being out of the house more than he's in when not working?

violethill · 20/03/2010 14:11

I think the OP should:

  • get out and do things like the flooring shop with her DH
  • tell her DH what she wants to do to have 'time out', whether it's a gig, or a long bath etc and discuss a reasonable balance for both parents. The baby takes a bottle, so feeding is not an issue
  • in the longer term, decide whether she is happy opting for the bulk of childcare and housework, or whether she wants equal shares. If she wants equal shares, then she will need to do her share of earning too. If she decides she'd prefer to be at home, she needs to accept the bulk of those things gracefully.

In other words - start to communicate with eachother!

sweetkitty · 20/03/2010 14:11

3 weeks in is no time at all especially recovering from a csection, there is suddenly this little person in your lives that requires care 24/7, you have little unborken sleep and it feels like all you do is feed.

The first few months are really hard with a newborn there is no getting away from it really but it does get better.

As for your DH, good suggestions on here, can he take a few days holiday any time soon, surely he will have annual leave?

Also can he try to come home a bit earlier on a few days, say 6pm instead of 8pm 2 days a week.

I agree weekends are precious and a chance for you both to recharge your batteries.

I think a week with your Mum might do you good as well.

FWIW I know a lot of women in your position, a friend's DH works away from home for 2 weeks at a time and has done so since her twins were born, don't know how she does it. Another friend has 2 DC and he hubby works away Mon to Thurs. Then of course there are true lone parents, I don't know how they do it to be honest, I am counting down the minutes until DP comes in to take over but it's like everything else you cope when you have no other choice but to cope.

It will get better honest

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:14

"In other words - start to communicate with eachother!"

think you've summed it up nicely there violet

I do think this is new baby hormones, tiredness, shock, reality sinking in, and I bet they can sort this out.

If he does do an evening feed and nappy change when he's home, and he opted to take his weeks paternit leave I don't believe for one second that he's totally unreasonable.

Just gotta talk

BetsyBoop · 20/03/2010 14:17

bottom line is that the first 6 weeks are generally exhausting for everyone, the next 6 weeks only a little better. Just trying to keep life going is hard, you are short on sleep, & struggling to find time to even make/eat food etc

Hang in there OP, it does get better. Don't "judge" things now. Once you & DH battle to survive (and it really is a "battle to survive" ) & reach the 12weeks mark, then is the time to sit down with DH & work out how/when you both get the rest & time to yourselves that you need.

(and I speak as someone who had an em c/s first time round, no family close & a self-employed DH who works away from very early Monday until Friday evening, and second time round same mix + ongoing anaemia after a severe PPH & an almost 2YO to look after too, so I know first hand how hard it is.)

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 14:23

All these people saying she should be going out for walks, looking at flooring, going to gigs etc.

She had a CS 3 weeks ago, and has a new baby that she might be getting to grips with BF. It sounds to me like all she wants is a bit of a break from the baby, and for a bit of help around the house. And a bit of time with her DH when he is not working ie for him not to be going to gigs and so on.

And people are piling in to say that she is being unreasonable?

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:25

ermm read the thread - most are not saying she's been outright unreasonable.

I think the majority of us are sympathetic to the fact that she had a baby only 3 weeks ago. and are actually offering advice to talk to her DH.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:26

and as he does an evening feed I think we can safely assume that the baby is either FF or already takes a bottle of expressed milk with no problems.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 14:35

"If he has such a high powered job he cannot possibly help around the home"

"he is supporting you, he is working"

"YABU, and a little mean"

First 3 responses. Are you reading the same thread as me?

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:37

have you read the rest of the thread?

Missus84 · 20/03/2010 14:37

God, I'd be livid if my DP was going out to gigs within a couple of weeks of me getting out of the hospital after having major surgery and a baby! Luckily he's not that kind of man.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:38

and tbh - I'm not sure what's wrong with saying he's supporting you by working.......give the thread title

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 14:39

Yes I've read the whole thread and contributed to it.

Do you want me to ignore the posts which say things which you don't want to believe people are saying?

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 14:40

She says he literally does nothing around the house at all.

I don't see how that is reasonable.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:43

she also says he does an evening feed and nappy change.

  • that's not doing "nothing" to help look after his new baby (and as others have rightly pointed out - he can hardy do the lunchtime feed and nappy change sat at his desk).
violethill · 20/03/2010 14:44

Maybe he booked the ticket for the gig months before and didn't know she'd be having a CS.

Not unreasonable to go out a few weeks after a baby's born. I went with my DH to a gig 4 weeks after giving birth first time. We'd bought the tickets and I wasn't going to miss it! Expressed some milk for dd and went off and had a great time.
But then I'm firmly of the belief that life doesn't stop when you have children - you just adapt and get on with living

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 14:44

You honestly think that is a reasonable division of labour around the house, when OP is 3 weeks post section?

violethill · 20/03/2010 14:45

True toccata - this is one of those threads where the OP says several contradictory things!

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:47

violet - I don't think I often agree with you on threads on MN - think we sit on opposite sides of the fence on most subjects - but I do agree with you here.

Anyhow - this is not getting my house sorted........and my DS's are doing nothing to help me unpack, uncover the floors so I can clean them for the first time since moving here, make space so I can study properly to get my TMA done, or get my church stuff sorted so I can sort Easter out.

ToccataAndFudge · 20/03/2010 14:49

well you show me a house where the division of labour has been properly sorted out 3 weeks after the birth of their first child - there'snot many of them. .

What the OP describes is extremely common post first baby, she needs to sit down with her DH and talk to him about it so they can sort out short term, and longer term ground rules.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 14:49

Op has only posted 3 times. What are the several contradictory things?

porcamiseria · 20/03/2010 14:50

lots of good advice here panther, these are the toughest days, my mate said it like having a car crash, then having to recover from said car crash wioth zero sleep amnd a newborn

anyway, hang on in there XXXXX it will get easier, and maybe a week at your Mums will help

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