to think I would be better off being a single parent?

[pinkypanther]

DC1 is three weeks old (born by emergency caesarian section after becoming distressed during delivery and needed to spend four days in special care as a result)

DH took one week's paternity leave (all but one day of which DC1 and I were in hospital for) then went back to the office. He works long hours in a high pressure job and if I'm lucky he might be home by 8ish - frequently it is later (one night last week it was 10pm). As a result he does very little with the baby - maybe one evening feed and one nappy change. He doesn't help at all with anything before he goes to work and doesn't lift a finger around the house.

I am struggling as DC1 doesn't sleep much and just wants to feed all the time. Because of the section I can't drive for another three weeks and I feel totally trapped.

AIBU to think that I would be better off just leaving and going to stay with my mum for an extended period? At least then I would get some help and support...

Anyway OP will not read, seems like she left the thread

I mean I would look after him when I got in from work, and at the weekends. I would ask him what needed doing and did he want a hand. I would make him a cup of tea and give him a bit of sympathy.

I would not leave him to do everything around the house including picking up after me.

MrsBean - I agree, we all are getting something out of posting, even it it's just whiling away a Saturday afternoon!

In all seriousness, putting this in context, the OP has had a week with her DH taking time off work, and then she had her mum staying for a week. So, given that the baby is 3 weeks old, she's had the grand total of 7 days without full time adult support. Actually make that 5, as her DH is home this weekend!

In that context, I think it would be a really bad move to go off to her mother's for a week. I really do. Her DH would feel sidelined, and it would probably lead to even more entrenched positions. And that's why I didn't advise it. I think she needs to talk to her DH about how she feels, but also to accept that it's no picnic for him having to be out at work til ten at night and also feeling the pressure of being sole earner.

I don't think anyone has set out to give the OP a bashing, I think people are just giving the advice they genuinely think she needs to hear.

I kind of agree with this violethill, and I kind of don't?

I suppose it depends: would it make the dh feel sidelined? Or maybe reduce the pressure-keg of emotions right now?

I didn't have anyone with me at that stage and I didn't want anyone.. but I know a lot of people do have mums/grannies/aunties on hand in those early days and keenly feel the need for that support. And some new dads do want to get away from it all as it's such a reality shock..

On the other hand, I think there is an element of just needing to get on with it. Though I do empathise with the terror of it all.

They need to discuss it. She needs to ask him how he would feel if she went to her mums. She needs to think what going to her mums will do to change things - is it just postponing the inevitable learning how to do things alone, or would the chance for further physical recovery make the emotional aspects of dealing with the 'babyshock' easier in a few weeks?

But she needs not to go at him hammer and tongs, I agree.. It is unreasonable to blame her partner for feelings that are provoked by hormones/the shock of a newborn/physical discomfort and recovery.

Honestly ? i actually found life alot easier as a single parent ,but that possibly has more to do with my choice of husband and not caring about being poor than anything else . I too had an emercency c section and have a husband who works very long hours and who also doesnt do any housework, so i can completely sympathise with you . Have you asked him to do anything though ,because i know i wander round secretly fuming and he wanders round in blissful ignorance and then when i finally explode he says 'why didnt you ask?'

mrsbean thank goodness for some logical treatment of the OP's situation.

TBH I just wanted to give her a hug (and I'm sorry if that sounds patronising). I really don't think it's fair to chastise her for the title (which would ordinarily be a bit unfortunate, but hey, having a baby and an emcs 3 weeks ago isn't day-to-day existence).

Despite this post being on AIBU, don't you just think that some productive advice on how the OP might help herself is the order of the day?

This is all about (a) things that she can do to try and break at the tedium of everyday life (hey, even if this is just a willing friend dropping around for a coffee and dropping of dinner) and (b) how she can communicate better with her husband so that everyone is aware of each others' expectations in what is a dramatic 'culture' shock.

p.s. that is not to say that there hasn't been some very helpful advice posted.

And that's where the beauty of having different views is helpful mrsbean.

The one thing about posting on AIBU is that you get a lot of different viewpoints, and hopefully the OP can then process them and consider everything in the light of it all. (Although this OP does seem to have disappeared - hopefully spending some time with her DH, or having a break!)

I think that a variety of responses - some brisk, telling the OP that actually there are a lot of people worse off, and some being more gentle, is exactly what people post in AIBU for.

And as for people drawing on their own experiences... where else do we look to when we want to make sense of the world, make decisions and so on? I think it's incredibly helpful to hear how other people have coped in similar situations. When I had my first dc, I was worried about how I'd cope with going back to work after 3 months, because I'm not the world's best organised person. Some of my friends gave me very practical advice, but you know what? The thing that really hit home was a friend who had gone back after having twins, and gave me very short shrift, basically telling me 'One baby is a piece of cake, you should try two!'

I think all most of us need a healthy dose of realism. it doesn't mean people don't care. I hope that if I were ever going through a bad time with my DH, there would be single parents out there telling me life isn't a bed of roses in that situation either.

'because i know i wander round secretly fuming and he wanders round in blissful ignorance and then when i finally explode he says 'why didnt you ask?''

Well said!
I have men in my house and family, and I have Aspies. We tend to state the bleeding obvious because you can fume and pout and sigh as much as you like, even weep copiously and they will either be oblivious or look puzzled. Telepathy? Empathy? recognising emotions? Nope.

'Here's a list of what you need to do
today
weekly
with dates and times'

and they go and comply, with happy and unconfused hearts. I've put flowers and chocolates on the list and been a happy if unsurprised woman.

It's early days and you're both going through a huge adjustment in your lives. I think it's quite normal to be resentful but I'm wondering whether you could try and get your OH more involved with the baby in some way.

I've seen loads of women effectively exclude their OHs from joining in with the care of the new baby. I know I had to bite my tongue when mine changed nappies in those early days and sometimes leave the room (how could he do it so badly?) but it really paid off and he does loads now. I know it's not easy but could you ask him to help?

Try and think back to some happy times you've had together and perhaps get your mum to come and stay. Maybe you could go out together even for a short walk if she came.

I agree with the general consensus - its bloody hard, will continue to be and you just have to get on with it the best you can, it doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong.

I dont like the idea though that his work is as hard as being sole carer for a newborn (while recovering from major surgery and having hormones from hell to contend with) even if he's working 14 hour days. That emotional and physical pressure is just not there - no matter how difficult his job may (or may not)be.

Its not a fair division, its not good enough to say he's playng his part by bringing in the salary - not by a long chalk.

YANBU. Did he make it clear before you had the baby that he was going to not take any time off to help you and that he wasn't going to lift a finger around the house?

I've been in your shoes; we're divorcing now. I hope you can sort htings out and that he understands that it's not fair that you should do everything on your own.

Have some of these responses travelled in a time machine from the 50's?!?!

OP, yanbu to feel upset and stressed. I don't know how well you feel you are recovering, but it is quite normal to drive 3 to 4 weeks after a section. Getting out and about can be a huge help. Things will get better.

VioletH, I certainly didn't read your posts as smug.

RRW - you are just rude. What are you trying to achieve? The op asked for opinions. She got them. you've just posted a tirade of abuse.

If you are asking 'am I reasonable' you are asking other people to compare your reactions with what they have done/would do.

I think you're a prime example of what Mrsbean is worried about.

Thanks for the many helpful responses.

Incidentally I did want to go to the flooring shop, but I was feeding the baby and DH suddenly announced he was going, that the shop shut at 12, and I didn't have time to finish feeding, wind the baby, and get me/the baby dressed and out in time for that.

When DH got back, I did sit down with him, he agreed he wasn't doing enough to help and he suggested that I make a list for him in the future so that he knows what to do (thanks for suggesting that).

For what its worth, I know what it's like to work in a high pressure job, I have (well, had) one too and out earned DH every single year that we've been married. So it's not like I am sponging off him or anything like that.

This baby was very much wanted, after 2 miscarriages and fertility treatment. The pregnancy wasn't entered into lightly, it's just been a lot harder over the past weeks than I ever thought it would be.

I am really grateful to everyone who's taken the time to post, but I am going to leave this here now (not flouncing off I hope, but a bit too fragile at the moment to take too much more "straight-talking")

Bless you.

Just remember "it's early days".

I tried to run away after one on my births.

You are both re-adjusting.

You'll be fantastic parents. Get your mum to come to you, eat more cream cakes and get in take-aways.

And DH will fall into line just as soon as he gets that first smile...

awww - glad you managed to talk to him

fwiw - next time you want some advice I'd try and steer clear of AIBU (and thread titles that are likely to upset some people - although actually to be fair I think most of the lone parents - myself included - that posted realised you were in the throws of new motherhood)

Pinky, glad you came back and didn't get too freaked out.

I'm also pleased you got it sorted with DH, it's a really tough time and nothing in the world can prepare you for it.

You'll be fine and look forward to seeing that first gummy grin, it will all seem like a distant memroy really soon

No Spero im not 'rude'- im not the one making a woman 3 week post section with emotions and hormones all over the place feel like shes making a big fuss over nothing unlike certain posters on this thread.
Yes its AIBU but fgs think about people on the receiving end and try having a little humanity for once!

oh good grief redwine - the OP came back last night, thanked people for their posts, and for their time and says she managed to sort things yet you STILL want to keep on bickering???

Because my view differs to yours its 'bickering' okkkay.

Did you conveniently miss where she said she couldn't face much more 'straight talking'? I suspect you did.

Stay with your mum for a bit.

Or hire support as he's got a high-powered job.

Hi pinkypanther,

I'm glad you talked about it and got things sorted out. A list sounds like a fab idea - When I was in your situation I wished I could have made one, but dp is hopeless at lists and no way would he have followed it, so that's why I said, keep asking, keep asking, keep asking, don't fume, even if you really want to say "Oi, get your fecking lazy arse off the sofa and help me, can't you see I'm run off my feet?!" because then you'll just have a fight, whereas if you keep saying "Can you change dd's nappy etc. while I ...?" it'll get done, no huffing from anyone.

But if a list works for you, fantastic, saves you all the bother of asking. I just wanted to describe my experience of what worked for me as a new mum in the hope it would help. Good luck and look after yourself!

saying you can't handle much more straight talking doesn't mean she doesn't actually appreciate it though