To not want my kids grandparents to sleep naked with him.

[susssiq]

My kids paternal grandparents sleep naked ok fair enough thats up to them. My kids stay at theres when they babysit and sleep over. When my son wakes up early he usually gets in their bed and dozes for a while. I don't feel comfortable that they are naked then. AIBU if I ask them to at least wear underwear? and how do I ask them without offending them?

My DH's parents, the one time we stayed there, let one(can't remember who) of my dcs into their bed....GD drinks a lot and so I made my DH go and retrieve the child straight away. THeere is no way I would ever allow them to stay there alone.

Kerry, I understand your pov but I think it's a little tainted by your own experiences, which sound horrendous. Would it have made a difference to you if you had someone you could trust and confide in? If you knew what was appropriate and what was not?

I've told my dc's that any area of their body that is covered by their swimming costumes, is private. That no-one is allowed to touch those areas because they are special areas and they belong only to them. That if anyone does try to touch them in those regions, they must tell an adult straight away.

You cannot guarantee your child's safety 100%, but you can ensure that your child knows they can come to you about anything. That they know that secrets kept from mum or dad are usually bad and that they will never get into trouble for sharing something that is worrying them.

I do think that in this case, if the ds was worried at all, he wouldn't be willingly going into his grandparents bed. It also sounds like he has an open relationship with his mum and is happy to talk about his grandparents nudity.

I don't smell abuse here at all. I can see why you do, but in this case I don't think it's there. Why punish these grandparents for the sins of others?

Kerry, my dh has an erection every morning, like most men. When ds gets into bed with us, dh usually turns his back.

We are going to have to talk to ds about erections sooner or later anyway and I think if he knows his dad has them, it will make him feel more reassured.

Having an erection does not mean that person is going to suddenly turn into an abuser. It's a natural thing. I want my kids to be proud of their bodies, not ashamed or repulsed by them.

I led a very sheltered childhood and was ashamed of my body and the way I looked. I was abused emotionally and it left me feeling ugly and worthless. I was frightened of sex, frightened of erections and my own body and desires even. It's taken me a very long time to get over that and I know I have dh to thank too. I don't want my children having any of those hang-ups.

Yes of course erections are private and it's not something dh waves about in front of ds. But it's the same as periods, they are also private but I have no qualms in having dd or ds in the bathroom with me. I see that as an opportunity to explain what it is, so they know it's natural and nothing to be frightened of.

Everyone has different standards Kerry and your childhood has dictated your standards to an extent, the way that mine has with me. This doesn't make either of us right or wrong. It's healthy to see both sides and acknowledge them.

The main thing that bothers me about DH's parents is that they are far more 'open' or rather crude, have heard them use words like tits, pussy, cherries, twat etc...never in front of my dcs but used never the less. Their standards of both language and decency fall so very short of mine. I don't want dcs using the word 'boobs' or 'boobies' etc. MIL always wants to bath them too, whenever he went up there without me they would come back bathed, eeewww.

posieparker how old are your dcs? If they are over 8 then I would take your MIL to one side and explain that your dcs are now at that age where they want to be independent and so could they possibly bathe themselves? If you say it in a conspiratory tone, as though taking her in your confidence with a wink and a smile, she will understand. You could also say "you know what it's like when they get to that age?"

As for the language, I would speak up and tell them you are offended by those terms.

i would be fine with it with my own parents (in fact i haven't got a real father but trust my mothers partner implicitly)but,i think that THEY would put pj's on.i think when the children get older they wouldn't want to be in that position anyway,so there's a time-frame on this.
(not being ageistanyfucker..just a realist!)

i wouldn't ever let my brother be naked in bed with them.i do trust him,but you never know...

wouldn't ever allow it with any of dh's parents or siblings.

kerryit really does send a chill down my spine when you talk about what happened to you and your family,but i honestly feel if a gp is going to abuse the gc,they will do it...and probably NOT when in bed with the granny.

Rhubarb, I have manyother issues with these people and would happily NEVER allow my dcs to stay with them. Besides they live too far away, thank the lord!!

posie - if you think your dcs could be in any danger at all, then please ensure that they are NEVER left alone with them and make sure they know they can come to you with anything, absolutely anything.

It's not worth keeping the peace over if you feel your dcs are not safe with the in-laws.

Kerry - Unlike many people on this thread I agree with what you are saying. I have not been a situation like yours but I agree that children should not be out in these circumstances as this could lead to the child believing that it is OK to be naked in bed with adults other than your parents and bounderies maybe lost.

A question for those that do not see a problem with this - Would you get into bed with your Grandparents naked as an adult?
Alot of the arguments for this being OK is about nudity not being a problem but would you feel comfortable with this as an adult.

these days i would be unlikely to jump into bed naked with my parents, if i did i think they would be a bit and as my grandparents have all passed away the possiblity of me doing so with them will not arise..

however, when i was a child i did get into bed with my parents.. and my grandmother (who lived with us) and if my dd (8) were to be doing the same now i would be comfortable with it. ds (15) would probably rather stick pins in his eyes though

mylittlebubble I wouldn't get into bed naked with my parents as an adult.

Does this mean I should not let my toddler and baby in with us?

they are children, not adults, they have no concept of body embarassment, sex, anything like that. Coming into bed with mummy and daddy is just normal.

This argument about avoiding potential danger surely means that children should never be left alone with GP full stop. As if they are going to abuse, they are going to abuse. And if they're not, they're not. Getting into bed without any clothes on won't turn someone into a child molester if they are not already a child molester.

I would not have got into bed as a child with any naked adult, parent or not. Because I was led to believe that being naked was dirty and that even having private bits was dirty.

I feel reassured that my dcs feel safe and comfortable enough to actually WANT to snuggle up in bed with us.

I was proud the other day when dd came to me because she had found a little lump behind her nipple. Turned out it was one of her breast buds developing. I was proud because she wasn't bothered about coming to see me and felt able to talk to me about that - something I would never have felt able to do as a child.

As I said. We all have different boundaries and I think that when you are able to accept and acknowledge those differences then you are probably doing just fine.

It is also the grnadparents that everyone is talking about ie granny and grand-dad.

I also don't like this idea that grandparents are just any old people. They are our parents, the people who raised us and bathed us and changed us. They are not just some random off the street.

Would you get into bed with your Grandparents naked as an adult?

Ermm no but I also don't take all my clothes off when my friends come round and make mud pies

I am curious on what planet anyone except parents would feel it's okay to be naked in front of children? Is there really any need? What if a curious child touches an adult?

Very weird people allowing in laws to be naked with children, I mean they're not your parents are they?

Rhubarb, I don't think my inlaws are a danger tio children, I just can't stand them, they have no morals or values that I share.

not being one for sleeping in the buff myself I obviously don't appreciate the feeling of liberation It must bring bring!! however i wouldn't with my own kids and certainly not with anyone elses, neices etc. I really wouldn't be happy about letting my child sleep over.I would broach this very soon and not leave it until the next sleep over. Not sure how you would bring the subject up though, I'd leave it to your dh . he's the one with the weird parents after all (LOL) imo it is totally inappropriate and I would be very concerned if they think you are being unreasonable

"Very weird people allowing in laws to be naked with children, I mean they're not your parents are they?"

No, but they are your partner's parents, and, from my POV, DH's parents are to be trusted with my children as much as my parents are.

(Not that we have the nakedness thing anyway, all GPs here are of the PJs persuasion).

If the boy isn't disturbed by it, if he is happy to talk about it and if he is going willingly into their bed in the mornings - then may I suggest that this your problem rather than his?

I already said that I would feel uncomfortable with it, but then I would have to examine myself and ask if I am being reasonable or not? I would look to the child for guidance. Why put adult worries and concerns onto the shoulders of a child? He is not bothered by it at all, so perhaps you should take your cue from him.