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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

317 replies

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:03

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 24/02/2010 17:05

Looking at it from the other-side, it doesn't seem unreasonable for a mother to want to attend her son's wedding, and if you all know she hates flying, then that must feel like a bit of a snub for her.
Will she be able to fly to Australia for the wedding?

compo · 24/02/2010 17:06

Well you have to accept some of his family won't want to travel to Australia , just like some of yours wouldn't come here
are you going to pay for everyone's flights etc?

CMOTdibbler · 24/02/2010 17:06

I think that YANBU to want to get married in Aus if that its where your family is, or to want a non religious ceremony. But I do think YABU to not want people who have spent a lot of money and time to be with you at the actual ceremony. To me, this is the really important part of a wedding, and tbh I would feel insulted to be asked to spend 3k on getting the family over just for a party

fernie3 · 24/02/2010 17:07

I dont understand if you are just inviting his brother or wider family butit depends if you are prepared for the fact that many may not want to go (just as your family dont want to come here) and also although you are paying for accomodation what about flights? can your MIL etc afford it?

you are not being unreasonable, its your wedding but they wouldnt be unreasonable to be upset at missing it either.

BadGardener · 24/02/2010 17:08

Well, doing what you want without considering what everyone else wants would be selfish and unreasonable. But if you are having to trade off the needs and wishes of one set of people against those of your future MIL, then you are in a tight spot and it is not necessarily selfish for you to do the thing your MIL doesn't want.
How bad is her fear of flying? And is it genuine or is she just using it as a way of controlling her ds?

belgo · 24/02/2010 17:09

If you invite people to Australia, then please invite them for the whole wedding - ceremony, meal, reception etc, because they will be making a lot of effort to be with you.

compo · 24/02/2010 17:10

It's not just the flight money either , it's taking time off work too, going to oz is hardly for a night is it? Incan totally understand why mil to be is peed off, how would your mum feel if you were getting married over here?

PrettyCandles · 24/02/2010 17:12

It seems a little unkind to expect his family to fly to Australia for a week, but not attend the wedding. I wouldn't be happy about that if I was one of those family memebers.

I can understand MIL2b's attitude (but have no sympathy for it) as my parents felt deeply cheated that I refused to have a big wedding either. They were desperate to host a huge do and invite their millions of friends, but I refused to let them. We did come to a compromise, which was that after our baby was born (I was pg when we got married) they could hold as big a bash as they wanted, and invite whoever they wanted, to welcome the baby.

And of course months after our civil ceremony, and after ds1's birth, when my MIL realised that we had absolutely no intention of christening him, she kicked up a stink about that. Suddenly religion was a big deal, when as far as dh was concerned it had never even been mentioned to him all his life. We could find no compromise with her, but she seems to have accepted it over the years.

YANBU to want to do things your own way, but I think YABU to expect everyone to go along with it.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:13

Hmmm...

She really has a fear of flying but equally my parents and friends would probably REALLY not want to have a holiday to London...

We will of course be telling everyone that we want to have a private ceremony, and if they think it's not worth the trip then that is just fine with us.. We would feel really uncomfortable with everyone watching us say our vows.

We are not in a position to pay for everyones flights, nor would we want to TBH, but is a non-issue as they can afford it anyhow (they have just sold their house and are moving to a much smaller one)...

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 24/02/2010 17:14

BTW, if you're going to be living int he UK, and closer to your MIL than your own parents, you may want to consider what effect antagonising her to this extent is going to have on your lives.

MorrisZapp · 24/02/2010 17:15

I'd say that YANBU to do what you like but then, neither is MIL in expressing how she feels.

If you and your DP come from opposite sides of the world then you can't have a wedding that pleases everybody, that's just the reality isn't it.

minipie · 24/02/2010 17:16

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

Yes YABU. You should be having whatever type of wedding and wherever you and your groom like.

But I can tell that's what you meant

More seriously, realistically whether you choose England or Australia there are going to be some people from the other side who can't/won't come. I think the best you can do is hold a party to celebrate in England when you come back (perhaps with church blessing to keep MIL happy IF you are both happy with that idea).

MrsJohnDeere · 24/02/2010 17:16

YANBU so long as you happily accept that lots of people won't be able to attend.

My BIL recently married my now SIL on the other side of the world. She turned into a real bridezilla and got very upset that some people declined their invitations - flights and hotels cost approx £3000 per person. She took great offence that my dcs and my SIL's dcs didn't go because she wanted them there 'to look cute in the pictures' .

BadGardener · 24/02/2010 17:17

My brother got married in Japan (to a Japanese woman) at a small civil ceremony and they came back to England and had a big party at my parents' house, with a cake, speeches etc. Maybe you can do something here which will allow your MIL to get dressed up in a big hat and do whatever it is that she wants to do.
TBH one set of parents is going to have to accept that the wedding is happening away from their home territory.

SerenityNowakaBleh · 24/02/2010 17:20

You could go for the alternative of finding a mutually convenient/inconvenient location for your wedding, halfway between Aus and the UK. Or, you could have two weddings. Friends did this as she's American, he's English. They had first wedding in UK (only her DM came out for that) and then second wedding in the US (and his parents went out for that), as both sides of the family couldn't be at one wedding. Or, you could have the intimate wedding in Aus that you want, and maybe have a "blessing" and a party on your return to the UK for your future DH's family.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:21

We completely understand if people don't want to come because they don't want to travel / can't afford it...

But to those who suggest we should invite them to the ceremony because they would need to travel, I suppose that is just NOT an option for us.. Perhaps we should just not invite them, but we would love to have them celebrate our marriage with us at our party (including a meal etc)....

Basically the invitation is there but if they feel they don't / can't attend, we completely understand...

So I feel MIL is BU!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:23

Should have mentioned our wedding will probably coincide with our permanent immigration to Aus..

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 24/02/2010 17:23

Not unreasonable to hold your wedding in Aus, no matter if yoiur MIL has a fear of flying or otherwise.....however, I would personally be EXTREMELY pissed off to not even watch the ceremony if I had gone out to Aus for a wedding reception/party. You can have the ceremony on the beach but do invite everyone else to watch too!

DarrellRivers · 24/02/2010 17:24

In fact, had not even realised that you were not even inviting your parents or your DP's partners to the private ceremony.
I think this is unreasonable, you are being unreasonable.
Imagine, your children get married and you don't even get invited to the ceremony
Lucky MIL getting you as a DIL

paisleyleaf · 24/02/2010 17:24

If no one's going to hear you say your vows anyway, how would it be to say them here, have a bit of a party then fly out to Australia?

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:28

We regard our wedding vows as a private contract between DP and I.. However, we would be delighted to celebrate our shared lives with both our families which is why we had planned to invite them to a party to celebrate.

We thought it would actually be a lovely trip for DP's family as they would be able to have a long, relaxing holiday at the beach in lovely, warm weather.

Darrell, I find your post quite offensive - I've known my MIL for 5 years and she is a close friend. DP and I would like to keep that part of our wedding private, only between us... I am not asking my parents to be there either, which they understand and have said they are pleased for us to enjoy our ceremony in whatever format we choose.

OP posts:
SerenityNowakaBleh · 24/02/2010 17:29

Hm. I think YABU if none of the parents are invited to the actual ceremony and you're emigrating from the UK as well. Imagine how your future MIL feels - her son is moving to the other side of the world and getting married, and she's not invited.

Yes, weddings and marriages are primarily about the couple, but they are also about the other people around you, your friends and families and their feelings have to be considered

BadGardener · 24/02/2010 17:30

Some people don't like beaches or warm weather - do you know this would appeal to your dp's family and friends or are you just assuming?

diddl · 24/02/2010 17:32

A beach in Australia does sound appealing.

But you seem to think your parents & family wouldn´t want to travel to London, but "expect" your "MIL" to be OK with travelling to Australia?

Also, if you are about to emigrate, how often will MIL see you?

So her son is about to move literally half way around the world & she´s also going to miss his wedding.

I can see why she thinks it might a bit one sided!

displayuntilbestbefore · 24/02/2010 17:33

YABa bit U given that you will be moving there permanently and so excluding your future MIL from her own son's wedding seems rather mean IMO when it's not as if she'll see that much of him once you've moved.

If you are having your wedding in Australia and inviting family to come over then the invitation ought to be for the actual wedding because it's a long way to go for them if there's not even the enjoyment of seeing you get married for them to look forward to.
If it's coinciding with your permanent immigration out there then can you not make this a grand gesture and even though you would prefer to have a private ceremony, accept that your family would love to see you get married and if you're going to be living on the other side of the world from MIl and the ILs then at least let them join you at your actual wedding before saying your goodbyes?
I think it would be unreasonable of you not to at least consider it seeing as future MIL is going to be a long long flight away from her son once he's moved out there permanently.

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