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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

317 replies

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:03

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

OP posts:
pagwatch · 24/02/2010 17:59

YANBU to have the wedding of your choice but you have to accept that people will feel upset.

YABU to expect people to fly half way around the world so that they can be excluded from your wedding.

In fact the prenis of the OP is faulty. People are not upset because you have chosen a certian style of wedding. They are upset because you have excluded them.

The not sayingthe vows thing because it makes you uncomfortable sounds incredibly precious. Unless you have agreed committments to weekly bumsex, or it is all 'squishy wishy loves squiddly dunnkikins' then people don't really care.

You could even have a normal ceremony and say your vows privately .

Is it beyond someones wit to come up with the notion that the registrar/ priest whatever says " at this moment we will take a short break while the bride and groom say their vows over there by that palm tree and koala"

If my son asked me to fly to Australia to not attend his wedding I think I would be sad tbh

hatwoman · 24/02/2010 18:02

slightly inclined to agree with undercovamutha re a compromise. your mil must be really upset. would you really not consider getting married in the UK (still privately, if that's what you want) and then having a UK celebration and one when you arrive in Aus? I don't think not doing this would be unreasonable. but doing it would be very kind, loving and generous of you.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 18:02

Hmm.. this has given us a lot to think about. My DP is probably more insistent than I am that he prefers not to have anyone present at our ceremony - so it's definitely not a me against them ishooo!

Will think more carefully as I do not wish to hurt MIL, I really do love her and am grateful to have her in my life.

In all honesty, if the situation reversed I would not be hurt... I would be happy to attend the celebration, which to me is what is appropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 18:05

The reason we'd really like to have our ceremony in Aus is because it is where we both would like to spend the rest of our lives / feel happiest.. So that element is quite important to us too. Def wouldn't rule out having a UK celebration first though..

The reason we feel we can't ask MIL to the ceremony is because my parents are both re-partnered and we don't feel we could have them all to the ceremony (they would not be comfortable).. So that would seem really unfair if we asked DP's Mum and Dad and not any of mine..

OP posts:
traceybath · 24/02/2010 18:07

Right you are definitely being unreasonable - not sure why the vows can be said in front of some family members but not all unless pagwatch is right

I wouldn't want to go to Australia for a wedding of a friend - too expensive and time consuming but obviously would for a DC.

Weddings are about family and I think you never do get exactly what 'you' want - it is about thinking of your and dh's family too.

displayuntilbestbefore · 24/02/2010 18:07

I think you've got it wrong, it's not the celebration that's important to people like parents, it's the actual wedding itself, the ceremony.
My parents would have traded the wedding reception for just coming along to our wedding ceremony - I think you're too blinkered in how you're looking at this and can't see it from anyone else's point of view and IMO that's not what weddings should be about. You need to allow for other people's feelings or you might find that moving to Australia has more ramifications than you intended.

GermanMum101 · 24/02/2010 18:07

So lilylu is she generally scared of flying or does she just not like it? Like I said in my other post, I think that is quite important

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 18:08

I disagree. I think weddings are about 'you'... I don't think many things are about only me, but this I feel is about DP and I...

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 24/02/2010 18:09

How does your DP feel about the fact that his parents might not be coming to his wedding/ celebration?

Does it bother him?

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 18:11

She could do it.. She prefers not to - but she has been to South Africa before and coped OK..

So the alternative is having a private ceremony with no one - our closest siblings would miss out and our families would not be offered the opportunity to celebrate with us, if they liked... I don't see how that could be better?

OP posts:
BattyKoda · 24/02/2010 18:12

Weddings are about the two people gettting married, no one else. Everyone's priorties are different, but at the end of the day, it comes down to what bride and groom want.

diddl · 24/02/2010 18:12

My wedding for me was about my vows & that people who were important to me heard me say them.

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 18:13

As I said, DP feels more strongly about our vows being private than I do..

TBH, the party is more for the benefit of everyone else. We both feel that a wedding is about a commitment between us - and that it has little to do with anyone else. We were doing the little we felt we could to accommodate the feelings of our families..

OP posts:
cakeywakey · 24/02/2010 18:13

So just because your parents' relationship is strained, your In-Laws are excluded? That seems incredibly unfair. Can't your parents suck it up for just for one day for you?

BattyKoda · 24/02/2010 18:13

And for some it's a private thing...

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 18:14

Batty I am pleased I have one kindred spirit on MN!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 18:16

"So just because your parents' relationship is strained, your In-Laws are excluded? That seems incredibly unfair. Can't your parents suck it up for just for one day for you?"

Then not only would DP and I feel uncomfortable but so would my parents and both their partners...

I can't see how this would be a good outcome..

OP posts:
BattyKoda · 24/02/2010 18:17

We should swap inlaws - mine said they wouldn't care less if they weren't invited, I was really offended!!

GermanMum101 · 24/02/2010 18:17

Lilylu, then I think you are totally ok. If she would never ever enter a plane then it would be different but now it's just her not liking it. Well that or you not liking the wedding you are getting. I know which one I would pick.

I understand that you want the ceremony in private too, although I see why close family could be upset. It is about you though, it's not a promise for other people it's a promise you make to your future husband.
Tell her exactly what you said here, that you think the vows are very personal and that you believe the important thing is the celebration afterwards. I couldn't imagine not having my mum there but if it's what you and your partner agree on that's it.
Don't be upset f people can't make it though, it is rather expensive (I know because I really want to go but couldn't afford it )

cakeywakey · 24/02/2010 18:18

I think that's really sad. TBH, I think that whatever you do someone is going to miss out - it all sounds too complicated and multilayered with different countries and parental relationships. I'm going to bow out, but hope that you have a lovely wedding day whatever your arrangements

Sassybeast · 24/02/2010 18:19

You seriously think that inviting people to fly to Australia for a 'party' is acceptable ? Because at the end of the day, if they're not close enough friends to be present at your wedding without making you feel nervous and pressured, I think that it's a heck of a big ask.

And whilst I am not generally a fan of letting MILs dictate the arrangements for a wedding, I think your approach is completely one sided, unreasonable and antagonistic. i cannot believe that you would knowingly exclude a mother from seeing her son get married, unless she is abusive or aggressive. Poor poor woman.

'shakes head at the ultimate Bridezilla thread and hides same'

weegiemum · 24/02/2010 18:19

If I had to choose between going to a wedding ceremony or a party, I'd choose the ceremony.

If I had to choose between people coming to my ceremony, or the party, I'd want them at the ceremony.

That's the "wedding". What on earth do you plan to say that you are not comfortable saying in front of people? A wedding, imo is not a private contract, it's a public declaration.

At our wedding we had the "all day" guests and the "evening" guests and we invited all the "evening" guests to the ceremony too, and most of them came. It was so special, promising what we did to each other, in front of the people who loved us. I can't imagine doing it on my own!

But I'm not you.

I've never heard of a "no-one at the ceremony" wedding though. I've been to 3 weddings where, for one reason or the other, the actual ceremony wasn't "legal". But they still had a ceremony for friends and family to participate in. The civil wedding was either before or after, but they all regarded the "wedding" people were invited to as the "real" wedding.

GhoulsAreLoud · 24/02/2010 18:20

Well of course it's up to you but if I were in your MIL shoes I wouldn't get this at all.

Your vows are private and just between the two of you? Ok. But apparently your sister and his brother are allowed to witness them. So not so private after all. She is bound to feel sidelined.

Caoimhe · 24/02/2010 18:20

I can't believe you haven't even considered having a party for your dp's family in the UK when you know that most of them will barely ever see him again!

Agree with others that it should be a special party in the UK then do whatever you like in Aus with none of your dp's family expected to traipse around the world for a glass of champagne.