to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

[lilylu22]

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

upahill, I've be Theo then. I'm out too. This level of self-centredness gives me arseache.

Beginning to think this thread is a wind up. However,if it isn't, I think the problem is that you aren't doing 'all or nothing'. You're inviting some people but not others, you're having a big party but in a venue it will cause your mil significant upset and inconvenience to get to.

Either just go off, the two of you, and get married and tell everyone afterwards and have a casual party for friends and family or, if you are inviting people, for God's sake include parents.

i agree with swanandduck

Yes, OP is off carefully thinking of the next "complication" to add to the mix...

"Interestingly, all four of my 'parents' encourage us to have whatever wedding will make us happiest..."

So long as they don't have to travel to London
....or see each other

I've been married once before - big white circus. Did what everybody wanted - stress, stress, STESS!!! Nothing but horrible memories and resentment of that day.

If I ever do it again, I'm eloping to Vegas and getting married in a Rhinestone Bikini with Elvis doing the honours.

Do what your partner and you want, how you want, where you want. Seriously. Sod it.

We did suggest she come to the wedding we were planning. She told us that would not be a nice wedding, that we should have one in Cornwall. All the other posters suggest the wedding we are planning isn't inclusive enough!

Am I going mad, but I don't think the OP mentioned that she had suggested her MIL come to the wedding had she?

So, are you not inviting your MIL due to wanting to take your vows in private, or because she doesn't want to come to a wedding that wouldn't be nice?

Triggles, for heaven's sake - the lesbian vicar comment was clearly sarcastic!!

I also totally agree with the OP that it's a bit rich that MIL's own daughter is gay, and yet she resolutely supports an institution which refuses to acknowledge such relationships.

I think people are using any old stick to beat the OP with now - she has come to a compromise now, which seems to make everyone if not happy, than at least not unhappy.

No point us really continuing to have a go, is there?

OP, I do think people should have the wedding they want, but remember, it might not be the day you thought it would be. Myself and dh are very private and looked into getting married abroad, just the 2 of us. Due to change of circumstances (I became pg) we got married here and the clapping/cheering post vows of family and friends as we walked down the isle was the bit I will always remember. i wonder if it might have seemed a bit flat to just look at each other in a kind of 'oh, that's that then' way.

We had the wedding about the 2 of us in terms of no attendents, bridemaids, religion, very simple vows etc. Then had one reception after everyone was invited to. it was very informal with no speeches etc but what we wanted.

This was my 2nd marriage, the first was a lot more traditional. I 'put my foot down' about certain things such as having no children, wedding breakfast and evening buffet (not everyone invited to both) and was a bit embarrassed about this ever since.

Good luck. just remember, if you are fine with a sparsely populated after show party (which it may or may not be) then no worries.Don't assume just because people can afford to come, doesn't mean they will. Also with emigrations, people often plan on visiting etc but never get round to it so you might see less of family etc than you think.

5dollar you must be wearing a psychic beanie. Didn't really see any specific indication of sarcasm, and when I questioned it previously she didn't indicate it was sarcasm at all.

"Yes, Rebecca will definitely be v. sensitive to her beliefs.... Hopefully will find a lovely female, lesbian member of the clergy "

And whether it's rich or not, that MIL's decision, not OPs whether or not she sticks to her religion. Not any of OP's business.

That's exactly what I'm planning for mine Amber

both sets of the OPs parents will be at the blessing/celebration along with everyone else so will have to see each other so don't feel that the comment is valid.

but it's different having them together at a ceremony to a party

having split parents brings in itself a whole load of complications

my dad and his family won't even be invited to my wedding but then you'll probably think i'm unreasonable for that - but IMO if they wanted to be part of my life they would be now, not just the day i get married

Totally agree with Swanandduck - either elope and get married just the two of you, or do the traditional-ish thing. This 'trying to please everyone but actually pleasing noone' approach will end in tears.

FWIW, my DM and DF got married in a registry office as they are not religious. They didn't want a fuss and were broke so had 6 guests, and a quick pub meal afterwards. As a result I had the opposite problem when I got married, in that DM could not understand why I wanted a wedding reception, evening party etc etc (and I didn't even invite THAT many people). I'm sure she would have been fine with us eloping as she just doesn't 'get' the whole wedding thing. However, I bet that if I had had a small wedding as she had, but NOT invited her and DF, the shit would have really hit the fan!

OP, I don't thnk you are trying to hurt people, I think you genuinely can't see the bigger picture (good job there where 12 pages of this as I wouldn't of said that at the begining ).

You said you are still young and I think the problem is you are still thinking as a child. When we are children we think me me me and can't see the full picture as more often than not we get things the way we want then and do not need to think about everyone else. Unfortunately the adult world is all about compromise and from there on in we rarely get what we want and have to think about everyone else constantly. Planning a wedding is the first big occasion where our skills in this area are tested if we get married young. However there will be many more to come (christmas', birthdays, aniversarys, children, christenings, childrens special birthdays, childrens weddings and so it goes on) and how you handle this will be crucial to the family relations in the future.

You keep refering to your wedding as the most important event in your life and I am sure right now it is but it is all about perspective. If asked again in 10 years as your children scuttle around your room and I'm sure you will say the day they were born. You will have many important events in your life as time goes on and you do not want this one to leave a cloud over the others because you you continued to think like a child.

I am glad you have started to think about a compromise, it will make all the difference to your future. You say you have a lovely mil, please please make sure you are a lovely dil (regardless of dp views) and keep the relationship sweet as it will be worth it.

Adults can't have their own way all the time, if ever and that includes their own important events as there will always be others to consider. It may seem unfair but that is adult life. Try hard to think about the type of children you would like to raise (attitudes, values etc.) and what you need to do yourself to acheive this. Ask yourself (honestly) if that gorgeous little bundle in your arms grew up to do x,y,z would you be genuinely proud or would it upset you.

Goodluck with finding a good solution for all.

Only just seen the new idea

Sounds lovely.

YANBU. One of the best weddings I ever went to was my little sister's. She got married in a registry office with 9 of us in attendance, two of whom were gatecrashers, and only 3 of whom were her family (me, a brother and DD). None of his family came. She's a kiwi, he's from Venuzela. Wherever they held it was going to be problematic for some of the family.

Two months later they hired out a 5 bedroom villa in Portugal (where her DH's father lives) and family came from all over the world, including some of ours from NZ for a week long house party. Most of the party guests took the opportunity to include a European holiday either before or after. It was cheaper than a typical UK wedding and, to be honest, much more fun as for the whole week people came and went, formed groups for day trips and generally partied most nights in a relaxed atmosphere.

As a compromise for an international couple it worked very well. You are not going to please everyone, so you may as well please yourselves.

i think the wedding the OP has decided further along this thread sounds perfectly reasonable.
she and her DP want to get married in Oz.
thats what they want, regardless of parental preference.
neither parents are at the private ceremony, and they are having just a couple of witnesses, nothing wrong with that, seriously?

so parents HAVE to be at the wedding?

i think the OP is being very generous having a religious ceremony when she has no wish for one, and doesnt agree with her MIL views!

and i REALLY dont understand why people are getting all wierd about the lesbian female clergy joke.
it was clearly a joke in reference to her MIL's belief system!

What a wise post from carrieboo.

I'm amazed for how many people, making public vows seems to be the crucial part of a wedding and can't imagine how this just doesn't apply to everyone. Persoanlly, i hate public speaking, hate being the centre of attention, would have hated a big wedding.

Being with my DH and DCs means everything to me. Whether or not we are technically married - absolutely nothing. We did get married, primarily because of legal reasons. Hence, unwilling to invest time or effort or money, we did it in a local registry office with no family except the DCs and and witnesses. We told our parents and family afterwards who were all delighted we were married but not bothered by missing a wedding.

Religious blessing for a non-religious couple, party in the UK, private ceremony in Oz - sounds like a big mess that would please no-one. If you want a private ceremony, really, just do it.

Carrieboo - that's a good post. When I got married I was very hung up on having a small ceremony, because I don't like to be the centre of attention. As someone else said - for many people (especially the older generation) this is the only part they really care about.

A couple of aunts and uncles turned up outside the register office to throw confetti and wish me well - they did not care about the meal or the party. They would have loved to be at the ceremony.

I upset several people on that day, and because I felt guilty about that, I compromised on the party the next day and it turned into something I did not want either.

Think very carefully, OP. I wish I could go back in time and see the bigger picture. I do not remember my wedding with a great amount of warmth (my marriage is wonderful, though ...)

i'm so glad you have compromised to include your mil, and that she is willing to travel such a long distance - you must both mean a lot to her.

like many other people have said, there is nothing wrong with having the wedding day you want, but if that's the case it should either be completely private, with no-one else there and it really is just you and your oh, or the whole lot is invited, to everything, and whoever can make it, makes it

we got married on the other side of the world without family or friends there. Just a couple of witnesses we grabbed off the street. but we hadn't planned to get married, it just happened after a health scare on a round the world trip and dh popped the question. i said yes as long as we could do it whilst away as i couldn't stand the idea of a big wedding or being the centre of attention

A week later, and after googling 'how to get married in australia' we were there on the beach. we'd phoned our parents beforehand and everyone was very happy for us

however, once we returned, talk of a family celebration just wouldn't go away, so I compromised and went with the flow as it made them happy.

i guess you can't always have what you want, and if you do, to the cost of all others, isn't it rather selfish?

Traditionally a wedding is hosted by the brides parents, so its got to be in Oz hasnt it!

I think you've come up with a really good compromise. You might surpise yourself and find the blessing doesmean something - perhaps not so much re d(to be)h as the meaningful bit there will be the private one, but seeing friends and relatives witness the blessing, seeing them moved by the whole thing, can, in itself, be very moving. I nearly blubbed in church, not because of dh, but because all these lovely people cared about us and our future together

Yes well we feel very comfortable with that plan so hopefully it will help everyone else feel happy, or at least not very unhappy with our wedding...

I am grateful for all the ideas given here - even the really mean ones - made me think

wow! this thread is weird.. i never realised how many people cared so much about staring at a couple's back while they say 'i do' to each other in front of a registrar.

we're only inviting parents, one sibling and a friend who will take photos to our registry office do...

everybody else gets invited to come to a big dinner where we will have speaches, chat, hug, kiss, toast the family, catch up with distant cousins, introduce families to each other etc. etc. etc.

i wonder if they will all feel deeply insulted and shunned that they haven't been to the registry office with us... i know when friends of mine did similar i didn't give a jot!

Lilylu, I think your revised plan is excellent. Very best of luck to you and your dp, hope it all goes well and you have a wonderful life together in Aus.

Congratulations on coming up with a good compromise.