to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

[lilylu22]

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

Sorry, but I think you are BVU. You really give the impression that you are more than happy to accommodate your own family whilst totally ignoring your ILs. She has a fear of flying, your parents don't want to come to Britain, so you decide that they win. Your parents are 're-partnered' so you don't feel comfortable inviting them to the ceremony, so your MIL has to be punished to suit their sensibilities.You are moving to the other side of the planet, thereby limiting her future contact with her son and any GC, but hey, who cares, it's all about you and your family. I think your MIL is right. You are being selfish.

FWIW, if I could afford it, I would fly all that way to see a sibling or my DS get married, but I certainly would not do it just to attend the party afterwards. To many people, the ceremony, however simple or spectacular, is the most important part of the wedding.

I'm getting married this year. I look forward to the bridezilla comments on my wedding threads

It's not about parents winning, it's about where the OP and her DP want to get married, and the fact that they are moving there, to me, seems all the more reason why they should get wed there?

I think it´s really sad that your partners parents who would be happy to be together at the ceremony can´t be yet your parents who could be there can´t get over their differences to do it.

It´s all about your family with no consideration for your partner´s

I think I would be devasted if I was not welcome and any of my children's wedding ceremonies. Yes to me the ceremony is far more important than the party.

Have a party here, and there too.. You're not inviting anyone to the ceremony anyway (bit odd)

Agree with others saying don't begin wedlock antagonising you mil. Feel sorry for the woman, has to deal with him emmigrating and her wedding non invite all at once. Sheesh!

I can't really see what people stand to gain from you inviting them tbh? They get to pay for flights to Aus, which aren't cheap. They get a beach holiday on the other side of the world which they may or may not want. Doesn't sound like much of a deal to me. And if you're planning on staying there and you love your MIL so much then it doesn't strike me that your taking her feelings into consideration much. It's all going nicely your way, isn't it? Your poor in laws.

I feel sad for your MIL.

If you know she cannot fly or is very unlikely to fly due to her fears, then just getting married in Aus is basically a decision to exclude to her, from the party and the ceremony.

You seem to have considered your family's wishes to not want to holiday in Uk but not yur MIL difficulties with gong to Aus.

You can just declare your wedding is 'just about you' if you wish, but if you do care about your MIL and other people and you want them to be happy for you on this occasion you should also consider other peoples feelings. But it is a choice.

If i were you I'd discuss with your DP that mayhe he needs to think about how you can both help his mum to feel better about the whole thing and still have a wedding you want.

Imagine if you have a ds (or of you have one) you would want him to consider your feelings at least wouldn't you? whilst still ultimately being happy himself of course, but surely the two things shouldn't have to be so mutually exclusive?

this 'it's all about us or our wedding is ruined' attitude is not healthy imo.

I'd suggest some sort of celebration here, and then go to Aus and have the wedding you want.

Think the idea of having a party over here as well is a good one.

I think you should have whatever wedding and party you want, really.

But I think you should be very tactful and respectful regarding your emigration, and reassure your MIL a little even if she can't attend the wedding. A party over here would be a good start.

Regarding Australia. Not everyone loves the place. Clearly you both do enough to head back there but I do hope you haven't been ramming it down their throats too much. There's a certain type of smug Aussie who bangs on about blue skies and beaches and I'm generally pretty good at sniffing them out a mile off. By christ they are boring and as an expat, they really really make me cringe. Its hard to tell over the net, but I hope for their sakes you aren't one.

I don't think you say if you have DCs but if you do - picture yourself in 20 odd years' time. Your precious child is getting married, but in such a way that it will be impossible to witness the wedding and pretty bloody horrendous (a fear of flying can be horrific) to even get to the Reception. Would you not be incensed? Would it not feel like your DC and their partner had gone out of their way to exclude you?

Op this is all a bit inconsistent. - you said that if wedding was private then "our closest siblings would miss out..." - which you phrase as a very sad thing. So why is it not sad for your DPs mother to miss out?

Plus you really can do the vows bit privately. And it can't be that deeply private or you would not have agreed to certain relatives being there?

I recognise that this may look perfectly reasonable to you. But I think your MIL is being completely side lined. And I am not sure why it has worked that every time anyone has to take the hit , it is her - from childish parents that can't be in the same room through to location and vow-fright.

If you honestly, honestly can imagine your DP as your son and say as the MIL, you would be perfectly chilled about the whole thing, then you are a better man than I.

If you want private private private, then go get married without telling anyone. You could then have a farwell to England party and a hello Aus party.

If you think it is a moment that loved family members should share then let them go to the ceremony and do the vows privately.

YANBU to want the wedding of your choice...but...
excluding people from the ceremony is a bit in my opinion. It would be odd enough if people weren't flying half way around the world, but to ask people to do this for a bit of a 'do' is bloody ridiculous.

When I got married I wanted everyone at the church to witness the ceremont. No way we could afforded everyone at the 'day-do' But everyone that got an invite to the evening reception was asked to come to the church if they could make it to witness the marriage. A party is not a wedding iyswim

YANBU I suppose, but then neither is you MIL.

I can understand why she feels sad that not only will she have to tavel over the other side of the world to attend her son's reception, she is also not invited to the wedding. To go that far and then not see the actual marriage does seem cruel.

When my Dad married my step-mum they held small receptions in both family locations (only scotland and England!) so that neither side had to commit more time/money. I thought that was really lovely.

At the end of the day it is YOUR wedding though. Personally, I would have a small blessing and a reception in England in addition.

I would like to think that I wouldn't have said anything if I was your MIL and been completely happy that my son had found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and was getting the wedding he really wanted. I probably wouldn't say anything but I can imagine being hurt to the core though, tbh my eyes just smarted thinking about that!

BattyKoda - you total bridzilla

There you go ( never actually written bridezilla before - congratulations)

So your MIL gets to wave you off at the airport while you go and get married and not come back and it's her fault because she doesn't fancy the long flight and expense to go to a wedding that she actually isn't going to be witnessing, just having a drink and a vol au vent in a hotel afterwards after being excluded from the key event? What a lucky lady she is...

I think that all the people who are so adamant about having their wedding day how they want it with no thought to anyone else is missing the bigger picture in that marriage isn't about the wedding day.
If you can't even make allowances for your own parents on the wedding day itself, how do you plan to live the rest of your married life - in seclusion? Without any family support or consideration for the family? Apart from family during life's ups and downs?
It's sad to see how many people genuinely think that their wedding day is an excuse to stamp their feet and do what they want and expect everyone else to comply with their demands just because it's their wedding.
Reminds me of little girls and birthday parties.
fwiw people still talk about our wedding (which was years and years ago) because it was a really fantastic day, everyone was happy and enjoyed themselves and people commented on how nice it was that DH and I had thought about everyone else when we planned the wedding. It wasn't anything big, just things like choosing a venue with easy access for elderly relatives, making sure overseas relatives had accommodation at the reception hotel to avoid extra travel, seating a family friend with cancer somewhere where she wouldn't get cold. To us it was automatic to take them into account and knowing that we had made sure our guests would be well looked after made it all the more relaxing and enjoyable for us.

Either invite DPs family to Australia and let them come to the ceremony - especially his mother, YABU to expect her to come to Aus but not be allowed into the ceremony (while her other son is...no wonder she is hurt), or just go off to Aus and have a simple no-guests ceremony but a party to introduce your DP to YOUR family, then throw another celebratory party when you get home.

I thought one of the reasons for weddings ws to make your commitment to your relationship public? You seem to be wanting two different things - a simple unwitnessed registry office wedding of people who get married just as a formality, with the big public party and everyone crossing the world and celebrating your day.

I have little sympathy with your MILS pressing fo a white church wedding, and it is traditional for a wedding to happe on a bride's turf - but you are being very unreasonable in what you expect her to be happy with.

I'm going to stick my neck out and go against the majority here. I think you should have the wedding you want - you are absolutely right you are marrying your DP and it's up to both of you how you do it.

You MIL is your DP's mother, and if he really doesn't want anyone there then he doesnt want anyone there and I don't feel that either of you should invite people to the ceremony to save their feelings if you don't want them there. And as his mother he should be the one explaining to her that it is what HE wants instead of you being made to feel bad about it.

We are in a similar situation, due to the situation with my parents, finances, etc, and actually rather than being offended that we might want to get married on our own our parents (with exception from my dad's side which don't know anything about it) are happy for us to get married in any way we want to even if it means they aren't involved. We want the marriage not the wedding that everyone else thinks we should have.

I would however probably take up the suggestion of having a celebration here and in OZ though as you are emigrating - have kind of a combined farewell/wedding celebration thing.

Ooh. No I am wondering....If people are not coming to the wedding would they be expected to give wedding gifts.
I wonder what the etiquette would be?
Would I take a gift to a wedding I was not attending on another continent...?

( just pondering - I know OP hasn't mentioned prezzies)

I'm going to be soo gutted if I don't get to see my kids get married, if they do get married that is
surely it is a highlight of any mother's life?

Missed one of your earlier posts.

If your vows feel like a private thing, just the two of you, then just do that. It doesn't matter what country - just do that - and have witnesses who are not family members, perhaps.

It's the mix up of whether this is a big wedding or not that is causing some of the grief. And don't send a wedding list either - i would be really if asked for a wedding present from someone if i wasn't invited to the actual wedding.

YABVU. If I was the MIL I would just have to not refer to the wedding at all as I would be very hurt, it would be the only way I could continue to have a decent relationship with you. I would think that you are a very false person if you could be my 'friend' for 5 years and then exclude me like this. I would wonder what I had done.

I would wonder why my other child was invited but not me. If I was given the excuse about the other parents I would think that was pretty feeble. I would be sad I wouldn't get to see future GC.

If I was a general family member I would not want to go that far for my holiday, I would not want to spend all that money, I would not want to get hot, I would not want to be by a beach and I would not want to share accomodation with non immediate family (all personal preference or bitter experience), I would be insulted not to be invited to the actual ceremony and think that was weird and I would not say any of that in the interests of being polite!

I think having the actual wedding in Australia and not having a religous ceremony is your choice, it's all the rest of the stuff that's the problem!

I am someone who wants to get married in secret so I do get the wanting to get married privately. I am however going to sneak of and get married at the registry office and then get on with my life. No dress, no guests, no party.

I do think it is unfair to exclude your MIL the way you are when other relatives are invited. I have accepted in my own situation I either invite all my close relatives or none. It is also unfair to take into consideraration all of your familes needs and ignore your in laws especially when you are moving away. You seem to be ramming it down her throat that you can't wait to get away, it almost seems cruel.