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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

317 replies

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:03

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kitcat1977 · 24/02/2010 19:05

YABU and you're not really taking on board any of the comments made on here, which suggests you'll do whatever the hell you like and justify it to yourself. Mind you, your DP sounds like a bit of a selfish git not to be able to appreciate how hurt his own mother will be, to be excluded from her son's wedding. Out of interest, what's their relationship like? Is she overbearing or is he insensitive? Or both?

pagwatch · 24/02/2010 19:07

AuntiMaggie

you seem to have missed that the OP and her DP have a sibling each attending.
They haven't chosen that no one attend.

I would be right with her if she was having a private ceremony. But she isn't

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 19:09

Gosh. The stress of this thread is making me want to call the whole marriage off.

I started this thread because I wanted to hear other perspectives, I will definitely be reading over everyone's comments and thinking it through...

OP posts:
diddl · 24/02/2010 19:10

Why not have the ceremony in UK-at least then the parents who care could witness your vows.

Your parents will be on hand for all the other events in your lives.

CarGirl · 24/02/2010 19:12

Can you do the legal bit here inviting MIL and then have a romantic ceremony in Australia followed by big party and do what you want?

Original poster
lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 19:12

Because we dont want either of those things; to have it here, or to have people there.. I think TBH I'd rather just not have it if that was the case [melodramatic icon]

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diddl · 24/02/2010 19:15

How about inviting MIL to the ceremony if she is willing to make the effort to fly?

wastwinsetandpearls · 24/02/2010 19:17

But you do want peoplen there lily, you do have guests just not your MIl and therein lies the problem. Not only do you not want your MIL at your wedding you are also taking her son to live on the other side of the world.

If I were your MIL I would be very hurt.

glastocat · 24/02/2010 19:18

I'm usually all for people having the wedding they want. After all mine was child free and neither of our fathers were invited. But there is no sodding way you would catch me going all the way to Australia, using up my precious holiday time and spending thousands just to attend a party!

Georgimama · 24/02/2010 19:21

Your poor, poor MIL. I sincerely hope your DP's brother is nicer to her than the two of you.

diddl · 24/02/2010 19:21

I thin at the end of the day that´s it- a party to celebrate something they weren´t important/special enough to be invited to witness!

moondog · 24/02/2010 19:22

How bloody ridiculous.Fly halfway around the worls at vast expense but sorry, you can't come to my 'private ceremony'

How precious can you get?

Mind you, i think most weedings are naff and self-indulgent anyway.

moondog · 24/02/2010 19:23

I didn't feel comfprtable saying vows in front of anyone else, so i didn't-dh axcepted of course.

Georgimama · 24/02/2010 19:25

Why on earth would you think about cancelling the wedding because a bunch of strangers think you're a bit precious? How committed to this whole shebang are you??

Sassybeast · 24/02/2010 19:28

This has got to be a wind up. I hope.

daisydora · 24/02/2010 19:32

OP I don't get why your sister and his brother are attending the ceremony if you don't really want anyone there? Surely you can understand why everyone is understanding the MIL being upset over this?

30andLurking · 24/02/2010 19:32

Hey lilylu, just wanted to say I've been, or rather not been, to a wedding rather like the one you want.

Two of our friends got married in a registry office - the bride wore a suit, not a dress, and they had the shortest, simplest ceremony possible, witnessed by brides's brother and groom's sister (in this case I think both mothers went, but no other family due to divorces/remarriage/widowing etc). I think they were in and out in 15 minutes.

Not even their SIL/BIL went, or the best man/chief bridesmaid.

Then they had a large party that smae afternoon, when the bride wore a big dress, walked down an 'aisle', and held their own 'ceremony' presided over by a old family friend - rather like a civil ceremony with personalised vows/music choices/speeches etc, but without any of the licensing issues. It was very unique, and exactly what they wanted!

Personally I'm a BIG fan of doing exactly as you and your DH want on your wedding day, but to reduce offence the best solution I can see is that you have your private ceremony (presumably if your parents are fine with missing that then your MIL should be, and I really think that's your choice) in Aus, followed by a - fairly intimate - celebration with your family and friends, but no British invites because I do think it's insane to invite people to a party on the other side of the world.

Then come back to Blighty and have a big wedding blessing/celebration/possible emmigration send off party/dinner/'reception', when you can make as much or as little of a fuss as you please, with speeches, maybe even a few soppy 'vows' between you and your DH about how much you're looking forward to your new life together etc. That way you get the wedding you want, but your ILs and GB friends aren't shut out of your celebrations without a massively expensive trip.

Sorry, long post...

BridesheadRegardless · 24/02/2010 19:34

I am sure if you had a legal ceremony and a party here, many would be relieved, not just your MIL, that they could celebrate with you and not have to fly to Aus.

You can still then go to Aus, have the romantic ceremony you dream of and a party with your Aus family who didn't want to travel to the UK.

You still get waht you want, you also keep everyone happy, which makes you feel nice and kind and sets you up well for married life, and you get 2 parties and an opportunity to wear your dress twice.

Sounds win win to me.

Shoshe · 24/02/2010 19:34

Ds got married in SA, he had no family or friends there, DDIL's family were all there, but her elder brother who lived in Spain, none of us could make it.

I would have loved to have been there, he is my only child, but they had a lovely wedding, they phoned us within a few minutes of taking their vows and they had the wedding they wanted.

4 months later they returned to live in UK, and had a beautiful ceremony in a old barn, reafriming their vows, with a reception after, which we all attended, including DDIL's brother, couldnt you do something similar.

JemL · 24/02/2010 19:41

Even I think YABU, and my MIL is a bitch a bit difficult.

Attenborough · 24/02/2010 19:55

I'm with the YABU crowd. In particular, I'm very suspicious of anyone who's desperate to keep the vows bit private - what are you so ashamed of?

Ten years or so ago, I knew a man who took the same tack, and only relented on the idea of the bride having her parents there very reluctantly. He was determined that the idea of inviting siblings was completely beyond the pale. During the engagement, his fiancee became pregnant with their (planned) baby, at which point he explained that actually, he was gay, and left her the next day and was barely heard from again. He also left her marooned with a hefty joint mortgage to which he contributed nothing from that point on.

So I'm rather sceptical of anyone's reasons for fannying around about making public vows, I'm afraid.

Honeypeckle · 24/02/2010 19:59

YANBU

DH is from Melbourne and I am from London. We got married in Oz, my family and friends couldn't make it so we had a blessing which was more like a 2nd wedding here

I got to wear my dress twice

warthog · 24/02/2010 20:01

i think you either have everyone there, or no-one.

why not have a compromise? have a party in the uk so mil can enjoy. include her in the preps.

have a party in oz, and your private ceremony. don't ask your sister / brother whatever so that no-one's nose gets out of joint.

everyone's happy then.