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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

317 replies

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:03

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

OP posts:

belgo · 24/02/2010 17:33

agree diddl, and if she is scared of flying there is just no way she can go. That's a bit different to just not wanting a holiday in London.

traceybath · 24/02/2010 17:34

Can you actually exclude people from the ceremony? I thought in this country they were public?? Not sure what the score is in Australia though.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:38

Of course we can't exclude them, but as they're our family and friends we would expect they might follow our wishes for OUR wedding...

We don't expect them to come if they don't think they'd really enjoy themselves..

Sigh, I can't believe there are so many people who advocate attending someone's ceremony when they KNOW they would be making the people involved in the ceremony feel uncomfortable. We just don't feel comfortable saying our vows with other people present.

OP posts:

diddl · 24/02/2010 17:38

It does sound as if you are only thing of your parents-they wouldn´t like a holiday in London, so then everyone else "has" to have a holiday in Australia-I would say that´s eliminating a lot of your partners family, even if you rent a house for them.

If you want your vows just between you & are partner, can´t you do that in a registry office & then have a UK blessing/celebration & an Australia blessing/celebration?

MorrisZapp · 24/02/2010 17:39

I think when it comes to lovely holidays, people usually like to choose for themselves where and when to go.

You aren't doing anybody a favour by getting married on a nice beach on the other side of the world. London is a wonderful destination too, but you accept that your own family do not want a holiday there.

diddl · 24/02/2010 17:40

OP, they might want to follow your wishes-but surely you can you see that Australia just isn´t possible for many?

BattyKoda · 24/02/2010 17:40

YADNBU
It's your wedding, it's for you and your DP, nobody else. You do what you want, I don't think your have to take your MIL's feelings into consideration (unless it's very important to you that she's there) because it isn't about her.
If she doesn't feel she can fly over to celebrate your marriage, then that's her choice.

diddl · 24/02/2010 17:41

Also,I wouldn´t want my main family holiday to be dictated by someone´s wedding.

Original poster

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:43

We completely understand it is a long way and although it is my idea of heaven - perhaps the beach is not everyone's cup of tea ...

But I can't see how that makes our choices selfish.... All we can do is ask them if they'd like to join us for what we see as the celebration of our marriage?

OP posts:

Original poster

lilylu22 · 24/02/2010 17:44

BTW - as we are quite young it isn't really a matter of family holidays etc - most / all of our friends are single or at least childless....

OP posts:

BattyKoda · 24/02/2010 17:44

In fact, my FIL and MIL both urged us to have a private ceremony just the two of us to ease the pressure of feeling we had to cater for everyone else.

As it happens we are having a wedding that can accommodate everyone because it's really important to us that we have everyone there.

DarrellRivers · 24/02/2010 17:45

Ok, maybe put a little briskly before.
I am just amazed that people think this is a normal way to behave to loved family members
Put yourself in your MIL's shoes
You have a beloved son who is emigrating a long way away.
You have a relationship with your future DIL, and both of them say they don't want you there at their wedding, probably one of those pretty important dates in your life.
You are also sad, that it is going to be unlikely that you are going to have a close relationship with your grandchildren due to the distances involved and the fact you are scared of flying.

cakeywakey · 24/02/2010 17:45

For many people the actual wedding ceremony is the most important thing to be at - sod the party. People can have a party anytime they want.

Why are you just having his sister and your brother at the ceremony? If they're witnesses, can't you have MIL there instead or as well as? I'd be heartbroken if I didn't see my child get married, especially if other family members did. YABU.

MorrisZapp · 24/02/2010 17:45

Of course all you can do is ask, but realistically you must accept that some close family members will feel put out by the arrangements. If they come or not is up to them, but they probably hadn't previoulsy factored in having to decide whether or not to attend their son's wedding.

GermanMum101 · 24/02/2010 17:46

I am not sure about this one. Does she not like flying or is she really properly scared and will never ever consider it because she just couldn't? If so I really feel for her as it is nothing she could get over, no matter how much she wanted.

On the other hand I am all up for having the wedding you want, I don't like how everyone wants to have a say. I don't see how you should have a religious service or even "just" a blessing for example if you are strictly against it.
I think having it in Australia sounds pretty nice and if it's what you and your future husband want that's the way to go. I do not think that she needs to be at the ceremony either if that's something you feel strongly about. I don't like speaking (especially about my emotions) in front of people so told my DP if we have a ceremony there won't be any vows, just a yes I do as I couldn't stand it. Just couldn't.

diddl · 24/02/2010 17:46

Whatever you do you are effectively excluding one family iyswim.

I couldn´t imagine getting married without my parents present, and likewise my husband couldn´t imagine it without his there.

BattyKoda · 24/02/2010 17:46

If it's your idea of heaven, regardless who can make it, then go for it. If it's more important that you have certain people there then don't. It would be unreasonable to be upset if people decline the invite though.

Firerise · 24/02/2010 17:47

I don't think YABU. It is so important that is right for you and your DH to be!

My DH is south african and we decided to get married there even though we knew not everyone would make it.

But, it was the right descision for us and I do not regret it for a second - if people think it is important to be there they will find a way.

We also did a wedding blessing ceremony and reception back here in the UK afterwards which was great to see the people who couldn't attend plus I got to wear the dress twice!

We have friends getting married in NZ this month and can't make it out there as I'm currently upduffed with our first but they understand and that is just the way life works sometimes!

We had the best wedding and wedding blessing that dh & I could have dreamed of - hope you do too!

displayuntilbestbefore · 24/02/2010 17:48

OP - if you feel uncomfortable saying your vows in front of people, why are you bothering to get married at all? The whole point of marriage is that you're making a public declaration of your intention to spend your life with that person.
What's to be uncomfortable about? It's a happy day and they would be there to join you in the happiness.

StewieGriffinsMom · 24/02/2010 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Undercovamutha · 24/02/2010 17:50

After your first post I thought YWNBU about wanting to get married in Aus, but maybe a bit unreasonable about not letting people attend the ceremony. But its your choice I suppose, and I kind of get the whole private vows thing.

But once you revealed that you are moving to Aus permanently, I started to feel really sorry for your MIL tbh. She must feel absolutely terrible that she is going to miss the wedding AND have her son move to the other side of the world.

Is there any way you can reach a compromise?

CliffBarnsby · 24/02/2010 17:51

I think YABU - but mostly because you aren't inviting people to the ceremony. I have family all over the country so am having a 'destination wedding' (everyone would have to travel regardless of where I held it - so may as well go for somewhere we really like). It will be a small wedding and just a trip to a restaurant after. I wouldn't dare ask people to come but not invite to the ceremony. Seriously, can you not see why your MIL-to-be is a bit upset?

I am by no means the best DIL, nor rich but if either My parents or DPs mother can't afford it {his Dad can, and everyone else can decline the invitation for all I care} - I will find a way to foot as much of the bill as possible. It won't be everything but I WILL help out with costs.

So - YANBU about where you are getting married, but after that - YABU.

Can you not find a compromise? Your DP is OK with his family not being there?

defineme · 24/02/2010 17:53

I know some people want no fuss and so they go off and do it alone, but you want a big party where you will be the focus of attention, yet you would feel 'uncomfortable' saying your vows in front of people. What exactly are you saying that's so unusual/private? Are you writing your own? You realise this makes you sound a little odd/uptight/conflicted- sorry but couldn't think of a polite way to say that and this is a public forum. As you say it's your choice.

The other stuff seems pretty straight forward to me-the moral/decent thing to do is have a big do here with speeches and everything- your immigration makes that an imperative- just so unkind to dp's family if not. Then have the official stuff and another party over there.

bronze · 24/02/2010 17:55

Maybe you'll just have to tell her you're being traditonaly and its traditional to get married in the brides home town

Whichever way you play its someones going to lose out so do it how you want but be upfront about it. Its then their call if they want to fly out but not attend

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