to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

[lilylu22]

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

Excellent! So glad you have thought of a compromise - and well done for asking AIBU and actually taking notice of what people said...

Thanks.. One of my first AIBU so now am hardened to being accused of being a troll and also a terrible person!

We are very pleased we reconsidered though in all seriousness, as we honestly didn't realize how strongly it was possible for others to feel on the 'other side'

By Pagwatch:

"I am really looking forward to a few of the 'this is absoloutely fine' posters popping back when their child wants to get married and they are not invited and treated like A.N.Other...

I can wait"

Although you will be waiting a long time for this to happen to me I like to think that if this is what my child wants then I will respect that in spite of my disappointment, I would certainly not be 'incensed' as the OP's MIL apparently was.

Tbh I can't think of much worse than standing watching my child's wedding- be it a big white one or any other kind- that I had guilt-tripped them into having when I knew they weren't comfortable about it, I would feel terrible. Yes I would like them to consider my feelings but not at the expense of their happiness, I would force myself to get over it!

Anyway, this is irrelevant I suppose as the OP seems to have found a nice compromise that keeps everyone happy, I hope everyone involved has a fantastic time and good on your MIL for getting over her flying issues!

OP, you earlier stated "...for all intensive purposes". I'm afraid I have to point out it's for all intents and purposes. I think it would be unkind not to.

As you were

OP - I still think it's very odd to think that your vows are for you and DP only and that having people there would somehow give you a distraction from saying those vows. The whole point of marriage is that it's a public declaration of your intention to spend the rest of your lives together so being so insular about it strikes me as odd but my faith in humankind has been restored somewhat by the fact that you have at least acknowledged that forging ahead with a wedding with no thought to anyone but yourself would cause upset especially with your plans to move permanently to Australia, so good luck with it all.
Pagwatch is right - if you ever have children I think you will wince when you think back to how you approached this.

I do appreciate that many people would feel hurt if they were not asked to attend the ceremony, but I don't think it is solely my age / childlessness that provides me with that preference. If I had a child, I imagine I would be respectful of my child's preferences and indeed, individuality. A child is not an extension of me, no matter how much I love them??

Lots of other posters expressed their preference for private ceremonies, yet those who are so opposed to that option and can only acknowledge marriage as a public contact seem to conveniently ignore those posts?

In any case, you can't please everyone but we will do our best to go forward as thoughtfully as possible...

Lily, you should be proud of yourself, it is very hard to expand your thoughts especially when it is something held so important to you. I have no doubt it will all be lovely and everyone will appreciate the effort you have made.

When I was getting married and arguing with my mother over something (trivial, probably) I did say the immortal words "..but it's MY day" to which she replied...

...

wait for it...

"NO IT'S NOT! IT'S YOUR FATHER'S AND MINE!"

How about a little bit of compromise here? Your MIL is just about to see her beloved son disappear to the other side of the world - okay, so it's not like she'll never see you both again, but you sure aint going to be popping over once a week, are you? At least have some sort of "wedding blessing" ceremony for your DP's family in the UK, then you can head off to Oz and do whatever the heck you like once you get there - get married in bikinis underwater if you want!

That way, you still get what you want without doing the whole "it's my wedding and I'll Bridezilla if I want to" bit on your poor old MIL. Yes, it's important that the bride (AND bridegroom) get to marry in the way that's right for them - but be honest, are you really going to enjoy doing it exactly as you plan to, knowing that you've stepped on a lot of people's feelings on the way? Your MIL wants to attend some sort of ceremony because she wants to celebrate her son marrying you - that's a good thing, last time I checked!

Yes Chaos we are including a religious element / ceremony which will be witness by all.

MIL is happy with this and has told me her and FIL are thinking of timing their retirement around the time of the wedding and sailing and yacht to Aus

your compromise is a reasonable one.

Previously saying to your MIL - we are getting married in Aus in a private ceremony but do please come to a party to celebrate if you don't no worries = actually we don't much care whether you come or not = hurtful.

No your child is not an extension of you but you love them and to be told that it doesn't really matter to them whether you can come to their wedding will hurt you. I'm all in favour of small private weddings, the nicest wedding I ever went to was 12 people. The difference is that I wouldn't consider inviting my parents and siblings anything other than part of my "private" circle. I wouldn;t consider talking in front of my close family "public speaking" I normally consider it a "conversation"!

Presumably it was a bit of a shock to MIL that she was relegated to the ranks of general friends, cousins, second cousins (delete as appropriate).

I hope with your compromise you get the wedding you want without alienating your closest family.

I think you are doing the right thing. I'm really pleased your MIL has found a way to come and you have found a way to accomodate her wishes.

And without meaning to be patronising towards your childlessness (a situation I hope in time will change, I'm sure it will), the only person in the world who loves your fiance anything like the way you do, is his mother. Trust me on that.

So what's been agreed? I've looked through but I can't find it, and I'm intrigued to know!

I can see both sides TBH

YOUR family are included, HIS are not

can you comprimise and have church blessing when you are back?? with tea and sandwiches after??

one day you might be in this position with a DS!

awww - I love a happy ending Your MIL obviously loves you BOTH and I think it's great that you've made some compromises.

Smizzle

I didn't say that I would not respect my childs decision and no where did I say a parent should pressure a child into going against their own wishes.

But I would defy most mothers to take the news that their child had grown into a man who wanted to exclude them from their wedding, with anything approaching a cheerful smile.

If my son told me that his sister was welcome at his wedding, that his brother in law to be was welcome too and that they were going to another country to marry and then live, yes I would be sad. So shoot me.

As it goes i think the OP has worked out a way to get most of what she wants without her needs being dependent on someone elses hurt feelings. Which reflects very well upon her.
Op , hope you have a wonderful time.