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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my friends comment to DP

229 replies

Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 09:56

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

OP posts:
akhems · 21/02/2010 10:01

Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has them and they are mostly full of shit.

You do what you think is best for you and your family, no one else matters

kittywise · 21/02/2010 10:01

My opinion is that children do need their mothers at home. I guess it's not want you want to hear and no doubt there will be lots coming who support you.
Personally I think you would be putting your child second and you should wait until she is much older.

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 10:03

yeah thanks for that kitty - really supportive true, maybe she does need me at home - but that is the point isnt it - at HOME, because quite frankly, if i dont get a job soon, that is something we wont have!

OP posts:
gorionine · 21/02/2010 10:03

Like akhems but with flowers arround the first sentence

daftpunk · 21/02/2010 10:03

If you need the money and esp if you are in debt you have to get extra money coming in...

You're lucky to have been at home for so long....alot of women are back at work after 6 months of giving birth..

Ignore your friend....she's not the one getting your credit card bills...

Your DD will be fine...

ScreaminEagle · 21/02/2010 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mii · 21/02/2010 10:05

No point needing you at home if you dont have one due to debt.

Spend the time you do have with her, just on HER and nothing else.

and why is your friend saying that to DP instead of you, v sniddey imo

Notalone · 21/02/2010 10:07

Actually I think you should ignore what anyone else says and do what is best for you and your family. Your DD will adapt - she really will - and you will have less money worries. There are thousands upon thousands of families where both parents have to work because they cannot afford not to and she will not be the only one in her calss. Most parents who work have to work holidays too so your job sounds perfect.

Kittywise - nothing like a guilt trip hey She is not putting her child second. Some people have to work out of neccessity and don't have a choice. I am guessing you probably do or you would not have that opinion

twotimes · 21/02/2010 10:07

You obviously considered all the options before you decided to go back to work and you're doing what is best for your family. Don't let someone's flippant opinion give you doubts.

Maybe she's jealous, or maybe she made an innocent comment because that's just what she believes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am curious though, how did you find out about what she said, did your dp tell you? Why did he tell you that in particular?

PavlovtheCat · 21/02/2010 10:08

Ignore your friend. It was insensitive and inappropriate. Regardless of whether she thinks it or not, you are going back to work, and you need support not disapproval.

You are doing the right thing. And you are showing her that mummy can have a career too. And, something lots of mothers do not get to do, you will spend your holidays with your children.

akhems do you mind terribly if i steal your expression? i do like it!

kittywise · 21/02/2010 10:09

You asked, I answered. If you don't want an answer that doesn't agree with what you actually want to hear then don't ask. i think it would be a wrong thing to do and would have a negative impact on you daughters' life. She needs you there.

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 10:09

hi DP!!! i wish it were cc bills! tis far more scary than that!

Believe me, if i had the choice i would stay at home, but i feel it is a luxury i don't have. I thought about the TA and it just doesn't pay enough sadly.

I am thinking about childcare arrangements and DDs little best friend at school, well her mum will need a CM after school - we are going to try and get the same one, i intend for my mum to have DD two or three nights a week, its only a matter of a couple of hours - i tend to be busy with her tea at that time anyway.

I wish i didnt feel so torn.

My friend is lovely but i have noticed a lot of snide comments from her lately i htink i might have to step away from that partiular friendship.

OP posts:
groundhogs · 21/02/2010 10:09

Your daughter will be fine. Teaching is a great choice of career as there is much more likelihood of spending time with her.

She will get a really good example from you, and the money will help the family, and as you say, not just finanacially too.

Go for it, and keep an eye on that 'friend' any more prattish comments like that and you ought to 'have a word'.

Akhems, LOVE that quote!!!

Heated · 21/02/2010 10:11

Your dd is at school, it is just the right time to be looking to return to work. Not many families are in the position of having only one working parent yet you've spent 4 years being SAHM with her and of course you're choosing a career which gives you 13 weeks holiday to spend with her - more than most working parent get.

GTP is tough, even tougher with a dc, since you are almost teaching from the off and have to work through your evenings after she's gone to bed but I am sure you are prepared for that and the GTP salary is a lot better than the PGCE.

Good luck with the GTP interview.

slightlystressed · 21/02/2010 10:11

You are in debt, you and your DP are under pressure and stressed and you have found a job that will enable you to be at home during school holidays and will hopefully help you out of debt and reduce the stress.

IMO it will be healthier for your DCs to grow up in a house where there is less stress, rather than you being home all day while they are at school.

kittywise · 21/02/2010 10:12

Of course, this is really one of those " I only want to hear an opinion that supports my argument, even though I'm pretending to court general opinions" threads

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper · 21/02/2010 10:13

Er Kitty while I wouldn't disagree that children need their mothers at home, I think that those of us who manage it are actually in a privileged position and I personally would never want to make anyone feel bad about having to go back to work.

She has mentioned her DH's stress, and it is a significant burden to be sole breadwinner even if you're a high earner - it's quite likely that the reduced stress levels as a result of LEM working will benefit her daughter.

LEM, people sometimes express opinions when they really should keep them to themselves, and this is one of those times. You may decide the effect on family life is negative, but you won't know unless you try.

Far more likely that your DD will be fine and you'll all enjoy the benefits.

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 10:13

twotimes, she definately said it because she has said it to me recently when i have been looking at career options that will fit in with family - i am just angry that she said it to my DP. She often makes comments about oher parents, we went to a lovely party for a friends DD recently, they obviously spent loads and it was great, i was happy, DD had a lovely time - i was but she just sat there saying it was contrived

OP posts:
cornsilk · 21/02/2010 10:13

LEM your dd will be fine and you will be able to enjoy spending holidays with her without worrying about chidcare. Your friend had no need to express that opinion to your dh. Teachers don't work very late hours. I used to pick my ds's up from the childminders practically as soon as they got there.

PavlovtheCat · 21/02/2010 10:13

Actually Kitty she asked if she was being unreasonable to be upset, not 'should she stay at home instead of going back to to work'. No need to be prickly eh?

I forgot to add YANBU. I find my friends unsupportive comments hurtful too

Notalone · 21/02/2010 10:14

Have just checked your profile Kittywise. Your husband works in the stockmarket doesn't he? In that case you probably have no money worries and can afford to stay at homw without worrying you are going to lose it at any moment. Please don't make Lucyellensmumma feel and worse than she already does. As I said before most people don't have the choice. Stop being so sanctimonious.

Lucyellensmumma if you get the same CM your DD's best friend has and if your mum also looks after your DD really will have the best of both worlds. Being spoilt by nanny, lots of playing with her best friend and holidays with her mummy. She will have a lovely life - ignore the likes of Kittywise who really hasn't got a clue

daftpunk · 21/02/2010 10:17

Hi LEM...

Ok, if it's more serious than unsecured debt than you have absolutely no choice....you have to get a job a pay what you owe.....if it's the tax man after you I'd get 10 jobs until they were off my back...

Your DD will be fine, and will benefit from time with a good childminder or after school club....

Take the job and get your financial life back in order .....you will feel amazing when you see that debt going down...!

Heated · 21/02/2010 10:18

At the beginning it'll probably worth getting working tax credits which you can put towards the cost of a CM but if your combined salaries are closer to the 50k mark (teachers at top whack with no responsibility but through the threshold earn about 36k) then it's more cost effective to claim child care vouchers. All employees of schools can claim them through their HR person (using companies like Busy Bees etc) and are paid direct to a CM (you can claim £243 a month) and depending on what job your dh has he might be able to claim too or ask them to set it up. It comes off your salary tax free and saves you individually about £1200 a yr or £2400 per couple if you both claim.

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 10:19

kitty, your opinion is more than welcome - but you are implying i am a bad mother for returning to work and yes, i resent that - its not like i actually have a choice. If i dont go back to work, the chances of our losing our house is pretty much 100%

OK so i could go back part time, but not nearly earning what i need, and then there is the holidays, i want those with DD i dont want her in summer camp.

People who know me on here will know how i have struggled with this dilemma for a long time - but right now, i am walking about in rags (can't even afford to shop in charity shops) we narrowly avoiding baillifs, can't afford heating during the day etc etc. My DP works all the hours god sends, in fact he is working NOW, on a sunday - to bring in enough money to make ends meet.

Its been so hard for us, i think its time i contributed. Not just that - now DD at school i do nothing all day - apart from clean and im going ever so slightly doolally!!

OP posts:
toodles · 21/02/2010 10:20

I'm a SAHM too and I also believe that it's best for kids BUT it's not the best thing for a family if the family is suffering from financial hardship. No point being a stressed SAHM because your dd will feel it. If working means a more relaxed family then that would be the best option for your family at this time. If things change for you in the future, then maybe you could reconsider your SAHM/WOHM status then (if you want to).

Good luck to you and just do what suits YOUR family best not others.