Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my friends comment to DP

229 replies

Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 09:56

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

OP posts:
JaneS · 21/02/2010 12:53

*different from.

Goblinchild · 21/02/2010 12:55

It's a comment often heard in my staffroom when talking about difficult, helicopter mothers who hare totally involved in every aspect of their child's life, from parent-assisted homework to friendship issues to competitive lunchboxes and whatever. Til the child collapses under the spotlight.

'What that woman needs is a job'

Go for it, make sure that you and Lucy are happy with out of school arrangements and all will be well.
My first had a SAHD, my second didn't. Swings and roundabouts really.

gingernutlover · 21/02/2010 12:55

LEM firstly yanbu to be upset by your friends comment - i think that was you original question yes?

But there will always be someone who wants to make themselves feel better by saying negative things

i think given your situation then you are takign the right step teaching is not an easy option and as someone already mentioned, if you teach full time you have to accpet that you will never be able to attend, assemblies, first days, and many other school events.

But, you will be financially stable, happier hopefully and you will be able to be there in the holidays (something that most working parents really struggle with).

YANBU to be taking steps towards securing your family's financial future. Your dd will be in year 1 when you are plannign to go back to work and has settled in and is used to school, she will be fine.

Sassybeast · 21/02/2010 13:15

You make the right decisions for you, based on your circumstances at the time. You try it, if it doesn't work out, then you look at other options. Good luck with the interview

scratchet · 21/02/2010 13:17

LEM,

You are doing the right thing. Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. I bet your daughter will be proud when she can tell people her mummy is a teacher.

My mum always worked and i was so proud to tell people what she did. I work and my children are happy to tell their friends and teachers what job i do.

HTH

cornsilk · 21/02/2010 13:20

Some heads are 'family friendly' and let their teachers go to assemblies, plays etc. Not all are but most of the Heads I have worked for have been.

cece · 21/02/2010 13:22

I am a teacher and also a mum.

I have a few points to the OP.

If you think you will be home early as a teacher then i think you might be in for a shock. If you are home early then you will find yourself up till 11pm at night working.

Yes having the same holidays is useful and family friendly.

It can be harder to work once they are at school because the childcare can be harder to organise.

Your DC will be fine and adapt to you working. Going to a CM has certainly not done my DC any harm.

You might still end up with a long commute - you have to get a job in a local school - this can be difficult, especialy if the staff stay there and don't move on... Plus you will be gossiped about by parents. Personally I prefer to work a fair distance from my home...

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 21/02/2010 13:25

Kittywise, did you read that the daughter has already started school? Why should she remain a sahm when her daughter is not IN the home the best part of the day?

I am wondering if you are projecting. Who are you trying to convince, yourself or the op, that being a sahm is better than out earning a salary? Maybe YOU should be out earning a salary if there are money worries?

HappyMummyOfOne · 21/02/2010 13:25

Dont let your friend get to you LEM and ignore the smug comments from SAHM with wealthy partners where money is not an issue.

You daughter is school age so out of the house for a lot of the day anyway, when she's a little older there will be school clubs etc that she will probably attend and therefore it will hardly be any extra difference in between her school hours/clubs and your working hours.

You'll be showing her a great work ethic and that she can have a family and career - I personally think its great for girls to have working mums. Your finances will improve and the stress will ease which can only be good for everyone.

abbierhodes · 21/02/2010 13:31

LEM, I teach full time with 2 little ones. I had to go back when they were each 6 months old, actually, which was very tough.

However, I would recommend it as a career. It's not easy...but I think you know that. I manage to be home by 4.30 (no choice, DH leaves for work at 5) but bring work home, which I do once the children are in bed. It's hard work, but it works well for my family.

I love the holidays...being able to let them lie in bed rather than get up and go to a 'playscheme' is invaluable I think!

Congratulations on your achievement by the way...managing to be a SAHM for four years is not easy in this day and age...I wish I'd been able to.

Granny23 · 21/02/2010 13:34

A recent study for the Scottish Government found that those under 5's with a 3 way mix of childcare - usually parent/s + informal (childminder, grandparent, etc) + formal (nursery, pre-school, etc.) scored better in a range of cognitative tests than those children who were mostly at home (lowest) or had one other source of childcare. As this was the pattern for my own children and now for my Grandchildren I found these findings reassuring.

Even with a maximum of 40 hours a week 'looked after elswhere', a child will spend 128 hours within the family unit, which will remain 'home' and the major influence on their lives.

Agree with others that OP's friend is exorcising her own demons with her comments.

mummygirl · 21/02/2010 13:35

what infuriats me is that you never hear anyone saying "children need their fathers at home", like it's a woman's responsibility to be there day and night, but it's totally acceptable for a father to miss out on his kids, or for them to miss out on him, because he goes to work. I know this is a different subject, but i couldn't help getting it off my chest. phew.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 13:35

OK, with the financial problems you have described you really need to go back to work, no two ways about it. Going to a childminder after school is really not going to harm your child, she will probably enjoy it (is she an only?) especially if her friend is there, it will be like playtime.

I really think a lot of women dedicate themselves to being constantly near and around their child for their own reasons rather than the child's benefit (it makes them feel needed). Your DD does need you obviously, but not all the time.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 21/02/2010 13:40

lololol at City wife with 6 children judging someone else for going back to work!

LEM it will do and your family the world of good to have less stressed parents. Don't feel guilty about your choice - you are being a fantastic example for your DD.

A mum who puts her family first and makes things work as best she can. Fabulous whether she works in or out of the home.

TotalChaos · 21/02/2010 13:42

go for it. your DD will be fine. I returned to work when DS was in reception, it's been good for all of us. I'm fine in term time, but have found good holiday childcare that he really enjoys.

overmydeadbody · 21/02/2010 13:47

LEM you need to have more self assurance and confidence in your options, decisions and paths in life.

Ignore your friend and her comments, why let them get to you? She is entitled to her opinion, but it doesn't make her right.

She's no expert and neither are most of the posters here.

We have to just weigh up the pros and cons of each choice wwe make in our own individual lives.

there are far worse things you could do than go back to work while your DD is young.

Takver · 21/02/2010 13:48

Congratulations LEM on your graduate teacher interview - and good luck.

I read a great comment once by a woman from I think Romania who had moved to the UK - she said, to precis,

"It makes me laugh all these women in the UK who agonise about having a job. Children in Romania know that if they want food on the table and a roof over their head, then their parents have to work, and that's the end of it"

Pozzled · 21/02/2010 13:54

YANBU to be upset. In your situation, you really don't have a choice about working, and you have thought very carefully about how to do the best for your family. Good luck with the interview. Teaching is a really tough job, and the training will be hard, but it is also very rewarding. I teach 3 days, and I would definitely recommend looking into part-time working once you are trained. Lots of schools now also need teachers to cover other classes for planning time, it can be a lot less stressful than managing your own class, and easier to get away earlier.

Kittywise- I agree with you that in an ideal world, children should have their mum (or dad but that's another issue) around after school, for school plays, assemblys etc. But do you seriously think that the OP should risk being made homeless for the sake of a few hours a week? Where do you draw the line- is a SAHM mum worth more than toys, clothes, a secure home, food? Or is it just never OK to work, no matter what the circumstances?

janeite · 21/02/2010 13:57

Very wise words from Overmydeadbody.

Kitty - yes, she asked the question BUT you are judging LEM based on your own situation, not on hers, as far as I can see.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 14:01

I think there would be a lot less people willing to voice their twattish opinions in this world, if everyone just immediately said 'Oh fuck off' to what they said. It's really satisfying to see the expression on their faces.

MrsC2010 · 21/02/2010 14:07

Brahms I would pay anyone who could give me the balls to do that! Priceless!

This isn't, or shouldn't be a slag off working mothers thread, nor should it be a slag off SAHM thread. At the end of the day there ARE pros and cons to either approach, the key is finding the right balance that works for your family, and trusting the fact that you know best for your family.

And trust yourself LEM, you sound far from stupid and more than able to make the right decision...your daughter will be loved equally either route you take. Your friend is projecting pure and simple I would say.

Mumcentreplus · 21/02/2010 14:09

Only You and your DP know whats best for your family and your sanity..I'm confident you will make the choice thats best for you and yours.

I returned to work when my second DD started school I had to no choice it was for financial reasons and yes...it hurts when you cant be there all the time thats the reality..but it would distress your family even more if you lost your home..

kittywise · 21/02/2010 14:15

kinnies, that's a good question, I'm sure I know the answer. A PGCE though is a very tough choice, it's very very hard work.

I find it interesting that an opinion becomes a judgment when it isn't an opinion you agree with, there fore it can be discounted.

chipmonkey · 21/02/2010 14:16

LEM, you have to do what you have to do, your friend sounds a bit bitter and judgemental, why on earth are you friends with her, she sounds awful, especially that comment about the "contrived" party.

BalloonSlayer · 21/02/2010 14:16

LEM - congrats on the interview! It sounds like a Fab job!

Your DD will be fine, and so will you.

I reckon your friend is jealous. Whether I am right or not she should not be making comments like that, she should be supporting you and cheering you on.

< Climbs wobbily into spandex cheerleader costume >