Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my friends comment to DP

229 replies

Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 09:56

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

OP posts:
kittywise · 21/02/2010 17:21

Yeah, it was insensitive,sorry op

joanne34 · 21/02/2010 17:47

Dear op, bloody good for you ! When should you go back to work ? When dc is 18 ?
My ds prefers going to the After school club anyway, kids like playing with kids. Your dc will grow in confidence and socially, she will also learn a valuable lesson, you going to work, a great job, earning money and still loving her just as much as if you stay at home. Be proud ! Dc will be of you - go get em ! Good luck x

scottishmummy · 21/02/2010 18:10

LEM,when is interview have you prepared.bet you feel nervous

but d-e-e-p breath.congrats on getting a short-list in such competitive times.

good luck hope all go well

plenty teachers on mn ask them for guidance and tips

upahill · 21/02/2010 18:44

Another thing Lucy... Although I was used to going to work and worked right up to giving birth and loved my job I felt very apprehensive about going back on the evening before my first day back. I couldn't sleep and was sick with nerves. I felt really bad. However VERY shortly after a routine was established, baby happy, and my job was ok. Be prepared to feel nervous but once you get a routine going you and DD will be fine. Hopefully everything will fall into place.

Good Luck with everything

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 19:42

Thank you so much everyone - i felt so bad after my freinds comments, becuse i DO feel guilty and i love being home for DD and picking her up after school. Someone raised the point about school assemblies - oh, that raised a sob! but my DP will be able to do assemblies as his work is flexible.

The interview is thursday - im dead nervous and a bit about the hoops i am going to have to jump through. I know its going to be a pretty intense year - ive been there before - my DD1 was just starting school when i started uni, i have done the 2 in the morning essay writing. I wrote my PhD with DD2 on my lap - but i am actually a bit nervous about the workload as its been a while and im not sure i have anymore no sleep nights in me, because thats what i had to do to get my PhD done which was interesting with a 6 month old baby

My partner has supported me through all of that - i can almost FEEL his relief that i have decided to return to work - althogh he is getting a bit ahead of himself, its just an initial interview and my maths is RUSTY!

He took me out today and bought me a new coat, i could have cried i have not actually bought anything new for myself in four years. It was a double goody too because it was half price AND BOGOF, so i got a pair of £40 jeans with it for FREE!! Free i tell ya! It really bought it home to me how hard up we have been that i got all emotional about spending £50 on a coat . I bought a blouse in the charity shop which is lovely and a pair of black trousers so i am sorted as the coat makes me look smart - which is such and improvement on my bag lady chic! Didn't bother with shoes, DP was trying to get me to buy some but i just couldnt bring myself to buy them, even though he has had a really good month and we have the money i just am so in that mindset now that spending money on myself actually makes me feel sick.

I am going to put in another application to my old school (that will be WEIRD) which is a science specialist school so eggs not all in one basket - only thing to scupper me will be my crap maths.

DD already goes to one after school thing and she loves that so i think she will be fine, so long as i can get a CM with other children - there is an afterschool club at her school but it really doesnt come up to the schools standard and im less than impressed - its run by a separate childcare provider. What a minefield - i have to get the childcare right or its going to be pants.

I think that maybe people were a bit harsh on kitty, because if things were different i would definately not go back to work and i do appreciate some of her points, but i just don't have the luxury of being at home.

I should like to say that i have thoght long and hard about teaching and im not doing it just because it fits in with my family, yes, its a big factor - huge, but i do feel i could be a good teacher, ive taught undergraduates and they responded really positively and i loved it.

OP posts:
2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 21/02/2010 19:50

You know, I am SO proud of you.
This is such a big step. I know you have agonized over this for a long time, and I am really happy you are now taking the plunge.

But, get the shoes. Please go and buy yourself a pair of really good shoes, which looks nice, and envisage yourself wearing them teaching. Say this is an investment in "teaching aids".

You should complete your outfit with a pair of good shoes.

Juliagee · 21/02/2010 19:51

Your DD is 4, not a newborn baby!! You will be working school hours - what is the issue here? You have given DD 4 years of undivided time which is brilliant. Your DD will see you working in a respected job - what a great example to her! I think your friend might be a bit jealous that you have this option open to you - good for you. You have no need to feel an ounce of guilt! (I am a SAHM with a 4 year old DD and 2 older DS'S and I am full of respect! I hope you get the job!).

scottishmummy · 21/02/2010 19:59

LEM you do need to toughen up to such vapid comments.she wont be first and wont be last.so you need quip or something and not take to heart

but more to the point teaching is a wonderful and vocational career.think of what you will give back,to the individuals and the profession

and end of day you dont have to justify this to an acquaintance.this is private business between you and your husband and family.

so go knock em dead

good luck

janeite · 21/02/2010 20:06

Yay to a new coat - much more exciting than shoes!

shatteredmumsrus · 21/02/2010 20:08

ignore her!!! You are putting your family first by trying to support them and make a better life for them. Well done and all credit to you xxx

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 20:11

If she says it again please just say 'Oh, fuck off'. PLEASE? Honestly, it's really satisfying and she won't do it again. Simple solutions are often the best.

shatteredmumsrus · 21/02/2010 20:36

here here

scottishmummy · 21/02/2010 21:04

LOL aye brahms is spot on.fuck right off should suffice

loobylu3 · 21/02/2010 21:20

lucyellen- please ignore your friend's stupid remark and those of kittywise. Your 'friend' doesn't sound like a v nice friend if she is prone to making judgmental, unhelpful remarks like this.

kitty- I am interested to know what evidence there is that children whose mothers are not around for them to pick them up from school every single day suffer in anyway. If it is merely your instinct, perhaps it is best to keep this to yourself as it is not particularly helpful to others.

OP- good luck with the interview. You may well find that once you have settled into teaching and your DD has settled with her new childcare that you are both happier. It doesn't have to be a negative thing at all- just a new chapter! SAHMs do run the possible risk of becoming unfulfilled, bored and even depressed once it becomes clear that their children don't need them as much any more (at senior school level) and by then it is much harder to do anything about it.
Try to think positive- it will really help

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 21/02/2010 21:35

I think it should be noted that kitty has acknowledged that she was insensitive and has apologised.

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 21:53

with regards to friend, i am going to give a wide berth to be honest. Its not really about what she said, its more that she said it to DP tbh. Part of me wondered if she felt that DP was pressuring me back to work or something. Does that make sense? But she does make snide comments about people and as i said, with the party - i was just grateful that someone had laid on such a brilliant party and DD had a brilliant time. They have the money so why shouldnt they push the boat out - this woman is more my friends friend than mine so i felt sad that she was sniping about her. I have started to see her in a different light recently. Thing is, she has lots of problems and i feel sorry for her, but she makes me feel rubbish and i dont need it.

OP posts:
loobylu3 · 21/02/2010 22:17

DavidTennant' girl- sorry haven't read the whole thread, just the start. Fair enough if she apologised!
lucyellen- often people are deliberately nasty about others to cover up their own insecurities

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 22:19

She's making you feel rubbish because she has a lot of problems. But she's still a knob.

Kewcumber · 21/02/2010 22:32

I'm afraid scottishmummy is right - you need to develop a thicker sking because there are people like your freind and Kitty around who won;t hesitate to share their opinion with you.

Personally in your position I think it would be madly irresponsible NOT to be looking for work. But perhaps your friend doesn't realise what your position.

I don;t know what the marginal benefits to a child of having a SAHP once they are school age but I'd be prepared to bet good money it is less than the benefit to the same child of having two less stressed parents and a roof over their head.

There are a million decisions you make on behalf of your child over their lifetime, few of them are perfect. But happily, generally they are good enough.

Nellykats · 21/02/2010 23:23

Dear Lucyellensmumma, my advice is do it and be proud of yourself! My mum worked full time, soon after having both children, still works now at 63 and I couldn't be more proud and better cared for. Her commitment to us and to her work has allowed us to want for nothing and has given me and my sister a strong work ethos and a sense of self worth and independence. A SAHM also does what she feels is best but it's silly to consider that that's the better option. In fact I know far too many that end up feeling bitter that they gave up on their dreams, or struggling with debt, so it's not just us working types that feel doubtful about what the "right"choice is.
Children need parents that are happy and if supporting your family is what's right, then you shall all benefit, not just financially but also in the knowledge that you're doing your best. Note to SAHMS: you too are doing what's best for you, this isn't a competition and I'm not the judge of that, it's only when it's presented as the right choice that I feel the need to contest it...

spingspong · 22/02/2010 01:38

Best of luck with the interview LEM, you'll have the best of both worlds - more financially secure and school holidays for time with DD, sounds great to me.

MumGoneCrazy · 22/02/2010 02:17

LEM We are in a small amount of debt and could really do with both of us working but we have 4DC, 2 in school and 2 at home, and we couldn't possibly afford the childcare
so for the past 5 years ive been at home but as soon as DD3 (5months) is in school i will be going back to work, im rather looking forward to getting out amongst adult company again

So i say go for it.

Good Luck Hope it goes well for you

MumGoneCrazy · 22/02/2010 02:26

Ooops meant to be Good Luck

Forgot it was meant to be around every word

Also forgot to add - Ignore your friend, working for you is a neccessity not a want, you have to do what is right for your whole family and keeping a roof over your DD's head is a must.

porcamiseria · 22/02/2010 09:06

good luck, and DD will be fine. Unlike many working Mums you will have the school holidays which is just marvellous, she wont siffer for a some after school care

I agree with scottish, dont let anyone dissuade you with their opinions, if she continues with this unsupportive shit, blank her.

Working Mum, SAHM, SAHD, working Dad, all valid choices

doesntplaywellwithothers · 22/02/2010 09:16

Lucy...good luck. You have managed to stay home during the most formative years of your DDs life, and that is important. I have done the same, and will also go back to work once my youngest is in reception full time, so I can relate. Working while she is in school is not going to damage her in any way...now the time you spend together will be quality time, and that's so much better than quantity.

Teaching is a great choice with family. I was a teacher (before DCs), and you should get all the same holidays and you can be home at a reasonable time every day. Of course it's difficult to work when you have children, but tbh, if your DD is in school all day, anyway, you don't spend any time with her during the day, so why shouldn't you have something for yourself?

Lots of luck at your interview!!