To be upset by my friends comment to DP

[Lucyellensmumma]

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

Because kitty, your opinion seems to be more to do with your own situation than with the ops. It would NOT be a judgement if you were seemingly at least trying to see where the op is coming from rather than opining solely based on yourself.

Opinions are always judgements - that is why they are opinions and not facts.

My point was that you are forming your opinion based on very, very different circumstances to the OP so your opinion is not taking the OP's situation into account. What has worked for you HAS worked because you have the luxury of your husband's salary to mean that you don't have to work. Most people don't have that luxury - and many women, myself included, would choose to work even if their husband was loaded. I'd be bored out of my skull at home every day, whilst the children were at school - it seems rather an empty and lazy existence to me. Please note that the former sentence was an opinion, formed by my own circumstances - and not a judgement.

LEM - come back soon and tell us what you've bought! I hate shoe shopping with a vengeance but I hope you found some that you love.

Ah you see janeite I would really really disagree with that. Sad if you have to work but want to stay at home but to leave your kids if you don't have to in my opinion is a shall we say crappy thing to do.

I'd say it was more of a 'crappy thing to have to do'...Kitty. Not having a choice means that, not having a choice. Doesn't mean the person in question should be judged.

It isn't 'leaving' the children though, is it? We're talking about school-age children.

I think that in your situation you are making the best of some less than ideal options. When I was a child my mother worked fulltime, we needed that income to live. I hated being picked up from school by childminders, I am fortunate enough to be able to be a SAHM and feel this is best option for my children. Don't beat yourself up over it though, it will be fine.

Kids want a happy family ( in whatever shape that family comes in). They want love and attention and to grow mentally and physically.

Your going to work won't prevent any of that. It means you'll be juggling/multi-tasking but it's deffo do-able.

Sounds like you are financially on the brink and it looks like you will be able to remove some of that stress. So it's damn sensible and part of being a family that you are looking to add to the family bank account. I should think the stress of baliffs is horrendous.

If you get the right care for your daughter then she will love that. She knows you are there for her - you just don't need to be the one all the time.

I wish you luck.

OK kittywise, let's look at this historically. This is the first time in the history of civilisation that a large proportion of women have been able to concentrate 100% on their children. Previously, working-class women worked - they had no choice. Upper-class women did not, but neither did they care for their children themselves and instead hired people to look after them. (nothing that could be called the middle classes existed until mid-way through the Victorian period, and they had nannies too). Children have largely tended to be looked after by a few people, and very rarely by just their mother. Humans originally lived in tribes anyway and childcare was shared then. So really, the last 50 or so years is a complete anomaly. Children don't need their mothers the whole time, especially once they have started school. It's nice that you do it, and I'm glad you enjoy it - but it's not as necessary as you seem to believe. LEM is going to be there for her daughter after school, just not straight away.

Children are best raised by a village and all that!

It is important to give your dc a variety of things and not always being there can be something given - as they appreciate you all the more when you are there - simple as

i would love to have the summer hols with my dc - I work part time so we do ok - but 6 weeks will be summers to remember

"but to leave your kids if you don't have to in my opinion is a shall we say crappy thing to do" - I hope you dont have girls Kitty or I pity them. They should grow up knowing they have many many choices in life rather than simply aspire to marrying well and be a housewife.

The world wouls be a far worse place were it not for working women, most teachers are female for a start not to mention female nurses, doctors, midwives etc. Women contribute a lot to society by working.

I don't have any kids; just children. Leaving baby goats alone would be very crappy indeed but the children have more resiliance.

Ive worked a variety of jobs with a variety of hours when my 2 eldest dc were small - with ds3 I have to be at home (ds2 has a chronic health problem)- I miss work,I miss the hub of work,I definitely miss the pay packet.

In the holidays a friend of mine often asks if her ds can stay with us for the day as she literally cannot afford the childminder.

When I see her ds enjoying holidays abroad and new clothes whenever she feels like it and her haircuts and new shoes I do feel a bit .

But Im doing whats best for my family as are you LEM,thats all you can do -your best.

First of all all Lucyellen. You're going through a bad time but please rememeber that nothing stays the same for ever - bad times, indifferent times, what ever- there is always change. So you are being pro active and doing something about your situation. That will help things change for the better

Your daughter is as school most of the day so why not work if you can? How on earth are you abandoning your child if you don't pick her up from school? Get a grip!! You tell her 'muumy is going to work and I'll come and get you as soon as I have finished' You will be able to play with ....... until I come at 4.30pm/ 5.00pm ..'

Far better to keep a house, stop the stress and get you on a career path because like you said you are not getting any younger.

Looking back on family history my nan worked, my mum worked and so do I. No divorces, criminal records, feelings of abadonement, therapy, low IQ, underachervers or other so called issues that children of working parents are suposed to have if you read certain papers.

My kids are fine active, have lots of mates, a PITA at times (joke!), top set of school. In other words perfectly normal kids!

Save your house, marriage and sanity.

Just to note. I am not pro working mothers or anti SAHM. I am a 'do what is best for your current circumstance'

Kitty clearly has problems reading the OP correctly.

OP did NOT ask for opinions as to whether she should go back to work

She asked for opinions regarding how upset her 'friend's" comment made her.

So, Kitty, do you think OP is BU to be upset?

Thanks for that Brahms - it always annoys me that SAHMs are always assumed to have been the norm in the past.

I work, my mum worked, my nan worked, my greatgrandma worked. Mum & I are lucky that thanks to state education we had a choice that wasn't cleaning, sewing, or working in Lyons corner house . . .

sorry, x post with upahill

agree with upahill.

All the women in my family have worked going back 4 generations at least (probably a lot more, but that's not in living memory). My aunt was put on top of the bar in her basket in the pub which her grandparents owned while her mother was at work. She was surrounded by people who paid her attention. She is now a happily married Q.C. Given the attitudes of some people to how much people should devote themselves to babies, it's a wonder anyone in the past ever managed to get out of childhood without all these alleged problems that working mothers cause.

Misunderstood MD, nope I don't think so.
OP asked "It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!"

Kitty I ama SAHM and I think your comments were very harsh.

'i think it would be a wrong thing to do and would have a negative impact on you daughters' life'

Good grief.

When my mother left my father (I was 5) she had to start working to keep a roof over our head. I have never been as close to, or respected a woman more than my mum.

In answer to the OP YANBU for being upset by the comments your 'friend' made.

Yes kitty, you are mistaken. Part of the being upset about her friends comment was that it shook her faith in her decision....

but her faith in her decision was fine before then. Her friend was being, like you, judgemental and narrow-minded, and actually wrong.

School age children do not need parents at home all day waiting for them. They do, on the other hand, need a home, food on the table, parents who are doing well in life etc etc.

Well, Kitty, you seem to disagree with yourself now. Like you say "but to leave your kids if you don't have to in my opinion is a shall we say crappy thing to do." So, LEM isnt doing a crappy thing. She has to return to work because the family is in debt and without her contribution they might lose their home.

So, put yourself in HER position for a moment, if YOUR youngest was school age, and your dhs salary was no longer enough to keep a roof over your heads, would you insist to stay a sahm and maybe move into a house much too small for your family, or would you actually try support your family by work?

In MY opinion, you would be bloody minded and outright lazy, if you didnt try to earn a salary, and that is by no means a judgement, just an opinon of a highly hypothetical situation.

LEM I think it's really good for your DP as well to no longer be solely responsible for keeping you afloat financially. That can place a lot of stress on a man (or anyone) and they can feel inadequate, leading to all sorts of problems. I'm sure he's really pleased that you want to help him sort this.

LEM YANBU, ignore your friends hurtful comments.

You are doing the right thing by your family, you are a highly educated woman and I'm sure you will be a valuable assest in any workplace. Your dd will be fine with the after school care.

You are setting your dd an excellent example about CHOICES for women and that women can have a career and be good mothers.

If parents have the option for one of them to be a SAH during the pre-school years then great, TBH most of the professional families I know both parents work. I only know 2 SAHMs. The norm around here is for families with a joint income although quite often with one parents working part time.

I personally believe if it's going to financially benefit your family it's a good idea to get a job when your dc start school. Not popular on here but am always a bit when I hear of SAHMs with dcs in full time education.

My Mum was a nurse and always worked so we wouldn't look as "poor as church mice" or like "typical vicars children" (her words!). She did 2 or 3 night shifts a week during the preschool years and then looked after us for part of the day until my dad could take over. Then she worked full time in senior nursing position once we were in school. She was the main breadwinner and still wore charity shop stuff herself so me and my sister could have new clothes.

Dd (3.5) and her nursery friends often play "going to work" as that's the norm for them.

I'm on mat leave at the mo with ds (5 months) i'll be returning to work part time when he's 1. I feel no guilt. I'm doing it for financial reasons and also because i want to. It does not make me a bad mother.

Kittywise, even if LEM was ostensibly asking whether she should do it or not you are clearly being facetious, as in her state, with little choice and clearly wracked with guilt saying she was doing the wrong thing was completely insensitive.

LEM, your friend is clearly being a twat and stating rules that suit her own situation. Your DD will be fine. You are clearly having a tough time and I hope your interview goes well, but I also want to say, in the nicest possible way, that you need to get a bit of perspective. You friend has clearly bought much of this up, but remember that many of us have been 'abandoning' our children for a lot longer out of necessity. You are lucky to have been at home as long as you have been.

Sorry, I don't mean that to sound as harsh as Kitty's post, I am grumpy with morning sickness and dreading going to work each day so would love to be able to be at home.