To be upset by my friends comment to DP

[Lucyellensmumma]

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

Its the weekend now and we are so likely to bump into this woman - i just don't think i can bring myself to speak to her - which is probably OTT but i am so angry and can't help but wonder if i hwould have performed better in the interview had DP and I not been screaming at each other the night before - all due to her "making him think" about the effect of my working on DD. Had i got the job i might have been different - which is not very nice but now im going to look like a muppet

can your DP not think for himself?

had he not considered about how having a job would change things?

it is not damagaing for a 4 year old to have two working parents

i think your anger is misplaced

it is your DP being the knob now, not her.

don't give up, there must be more than one job out htere

my DP is entitled to be a knob, because we are in a relationship and i'll bloody well tell him so (i did)- this woman is a friend and partner trumps friend, her intentions were not kind - she was jealous and has made jealous comments in the past. I don't need people like that in my life - moving on

As a mum of three older children, maybe I can set your mind at rest a little.

Our children have always had two parents working. When they were pre-school age, I worked part time, but ALWAYS worked, and when the youngest was 4 and starting school I went full time. Therefore our children have always been used to nursery/childminders/after school club. In the very early days we both worked out of necessity; however, this quickly became a preferred choice too - I would not have wanted to stay home full time, neither would my DH.

Our children are all perfectly well adjusted, clever, happy individuals. I have absolutely no regrets that I wasn't there every single day at the school gates waiting to pick them up. They were fine, I was fine, my DH was fine.

The rewards have been great. Not just financial, and the fact that having a good pension means long term financial security (don't underestimate that - I still come across loads of women who haven't actually thought about pensions, or wrongly assume if their husband has one, they'll be fine!). The main benefits have been the intellectual stimulation, the confidence I have through feeling that I am doing something useful (and yes, I do know that parenting is useful too, but that's not a job) and also the social aspects of working.

IME when people disagree with how you do things, it's usually because they feel insecure in their own choice. For all you know, your 'friend' might be secretly jealous - but of course will never admit that in a million years, so covers it by making negative comments.

Move forward, live your own life - and your dd will be fine.

Sorry you didn't get the job - maybe something better will come along that will suit your family better. Good for you having your own business as well. I started my own business when DS was 6 months old and it's great being able to contribute a little financially while still getting to spend time with him (and DS2). We're buying our first house so I've taken on a few hours at the university but I can do all the marking at home which is great. Not sure if you read my previous post but do look into marking/supervising exams at local schools. It's decent money and obviously v flexible! I did exam supervision when I was accepted for my pgce (which I subsequently didn't do) so they aren't looking for major teaching experience or anything.

You do what you feel is best Lucy, I would do the same, once dd starts school i would like a p/t job mabey at the school she is at or mabey it the Brain injury unit near me so that i can be near if anything happens (I dont drive). Go for it imo! Like someone said on here, i will have to keep that quote, opinions are like arseholes everyone has them and they are full of shit . You only know your circumstances. I myself cannot imagine staying home all the time time when kids are at school, I am currently a STAHM now by the way. Go for the interview good luck!

Lucy dont worry about the comment, i have it everyday from my mum and you develop a thick skin. Have you read the Daily Mail article on the lady who was thrown off the bus for bf and the moronic DM readers that commented negatively. Now they got my back up and its hard to phase me.

oh sorry did not read the rest of the comments, there will be plenty more so dont give up.

I have worked full time since DS1 was 6 months and DS2 4 months, now 5 and 9)and they have alwasy gone to breakfast club and after school. They get to hang out with their friends and the funny thing is all the kids who's Mums pick them staright up from school are beeging their Mums to let them go to after school and breakfast club because they feel left out! One of the Mums was asking me which days my DS went as her son was desperate to go and she was going to send him the same days. Another Mum was saying that her son who goes to afterschool complains that he gets picked up too soon!

Lucyellensmama I havent had a chance to read the whole thread but want to reassure you re teaching.My mum worked full time as a nurse when I was growing up and my Dad as a teacher. We had family meals every night and Dad was home from school an hour after us in primary and at same time in secondary.Its only as an adult did I realise that every family doesn't manage family meals together every night. We benefited hugely from having dad around after school and from the good example of hard working parents.

will try and read wholem thread now, good luck in your interview (if it hasn't already happended!)

oh bollox just read last page, so sorry.Don't give up something else will come up and your dd will be fine honestly (I'm going back to work f/t in june DS will be 1, dd 3 has been in nursery since she was 1 loves it)

if she has form with theis sort of thing, then yes, you are right to move on

but i think your DP and you rowing to the point of him almost walking out because she had planted seeds of dout in his head re work is a serious issue

if he is so easily swayed by other people, this will be a perennial issue in your relatinship

I think what pisses me off lulu is that i have been really supportive of this woman, she has had a bit of a rough time and ive been there for her. I don't tend to hear from her unless she has a "free day" that she hasn't organised something with her other friends. She often tells me how she is taking X out to lunch for some favour or another - I on the other hand have phone calls in the middle of the night, babysit her DD at the drop of the hat when she has needed it - i totally don't mind any of it, but she throws it back in my face with bitchy comments about me returning to work, when she KNOWS full well i have agonised over it

LEM, your so-called friend has been incredibly rude and hurtful. We can't help having individual opinions and we all "judge" other people's situations to a greater or lesser degree but most adults recognise that we don't walk in other people's shoes and keep those thoughts to ourselves !

How you - or how any of us - see fit to organise our own households and families is no-one else's business (short of suspicions of abuse or crime) and you should feel proud of yourself for seeking a solution to your overall situation which will ultimately benefit everyone. Very few of us are lucky enough to live in a set up where each family member is entirely happy with their lot but it's all swings and roundabouts isn't it .... sometimes you have to weigh up which options cause least problems, there's very rarely a perfect solution to anything. The fact your daughter may have to spend some time in childcare may not be ideal (as in, you personally wish it could be avoided) but she won't come to any harm and it's better that than you losing your home / marriage breaking up under the strain / DH having a breakdown or whatever other calamities can happen when you're under great financial and emotional strain.

My son was in FT childcare from 2 to 13. I agonised over it, just like you, and sometimes the only childcare available wasn't what I'd have chosen - (not that I'd have ever left him at risk obviously, I mean that I hit it off with some minders better than others, some seemed more involved IYWIM) - but the alternative was me not working at all, and us ending up in a B&B. Unfortuntely the guilt never really went away and when you're dealing with something you ideally don't want, I don't think it ever completely does even years later, but every time I felt bad I had to keep telling myself that short of winning the lottery there was no other alternative .... it wasn't like I was deliberately choosing to do something "nasty" to my child, and in all honesty, with the benefit of hindsight now, I don't think my son has grown up feeling that I did the wrong thing at all.

This "friend" of yours is a piece of work. By saying what she did she was not only suggesting you were being "selfish" but also criticising your DH and making him feel guilty for "putting" you in this position. Why on earth would she want to do that .... and potentially contribute to discord between you ? I dunno ... maybe she feels threatened at the notion of you "bettering" yourself ? Maybe she's panicking that once you become less available she won't be able to take advantage of you as often as she has done in the past for last minute babysitting etc ? Whatever ..... she really seems horribly poisonous and if I were you I'd avoid her as much as you possibly can. Who needs a friend like that ? ..... just look at all the distress she's causing.

Please stop being friends with her, she is such a twat. I would never criticise my friends' life choices (to their face, ahem).

Much as they might need you more as they get older, you also need the financial security of your career as they get older too.
It's a hard situation to be in for all mothers but in the longer run I do think if you can command a decent salary then you should, 39 you're not getting any younger and the good outweighs the bad.

catsmother - your last paragraph sums up exactly how i felt about it, i mean, what i see her motivation as.

Dittany, i guess i will have to jump to DPs defense again - DP was completely perplexed by his own behaviour on wednesday night - he was uncharacteristically stressy - i can't explain it, i couldnt explain it at the time, we were both where did THAT come from. DP said that the only thing he felt it could be was my interview and worrying what would happen with DD. I felt that my friend caused this doubt because he certainly didn't feel that way before. He had also drunk lots of coffee really and he said he felt hyperagitated so hes on a coffee ban again. He was mortified and upset but i honestly felt fine at the interview - i didn't not get the job because of that, i felt the interview went well, but knew it wouldnt go my way as there were 12 other candidates most of whom had experience in schools which i don't.

I'm not sure that DP should keep what my friends from me - to be fair he is a bit about me being so cross about it as he promises me he doesn't feel swayed by it. TBH i am perplexed as to why i feel so angry about it, it was a throwaway comment really and i know tis because she feels insecure about her own choices - i should maybe feel more charitable about it, she's had a rough time. But She is prone to "bitching" about other people and i actually hate that - im no angel but i never slag people off - well apart from on here but that doesn't count .

Hi I feel exactly the same I'm starting a full time job soon. Would have been better when my son went ot school in september but its come up now. Feel terrible but the childminder is great and has a little boy the same age. My son is delighted to have someone to play with. Although I can feel my connection with him weakening

It would be great to check back on this thread and see how you are getting on in your new job. I start in two weeks. Everyone is being supportive but I can feel the 'oh what a shame' attitude from lots of people. Mybe its what Im giving out

I think you have a great CM who has a son the same age as your son, i think thats great and your son will love it, its hard on you though, i know. A bit easier for me emotionally as DD at school now, logistically i think its harder.

Good luck with your job, i didnt get mine but im going to apply to more schools - i have a plan b which i may have to utilise

Re 'being there' for your children, I think the most important thing psychologically for a child is knowing when they will see their parents. So if you say you're going to be there, be there. Doesn't matter if it's straight after school or after CM. They will feel secure because they'll know you'll always come for them. Knowing that mummy will be there at 5pm is no worse than knowing mummy will be there at 3pm. Because mummy will be there.

She will be fine (esp if she is at a child minder's with her best friend - or perhaps they can go to afterschool club together).

If you need to work, you need to work. Far better to have a relaxed mother because there is more money coming in.

BTW I am a SAHM too, and choose to be one for the same reason as you , but would also make the same decision as you now.

Brahms.
Your message has helped so much and will for lucy ellen.
That is half the problem that you are so used to picking them up and them being so happy to see you. Just feel when it is at 5pm he will be too tired to tell me about school etc.
It really upsets me I wont be the one getting him from school when his face lights up to see me, but I feel a lot happier knowing that, like Lucyellensmumma, we won't be desperately worrying and going for long 'walks' every weekend so we can talk over his head the one afternoon my husband doesn't work and because fresh air is free.
It will be nice to be able to put him in shoes that fit and wellies that dont wet his feet because they have a hole.
It will be nice to say 'yes' to his friend's parties without always saying no because we dont have a present to give them.

There is a lot of good about going to work. I do feel there is a sacrifice for him and for me and I'm sad about that. I can't stop stroking his little hand thinking I wont be walking you home anymore, but I am definitely coming round to the idea that I'm not doing him a dis service. If someone said that to me or my husband like they did to lucyellen I don't think I would bother speaking to them again either

Hi there What a really hard decision but you are making the right one I'm sure and wanted to send my support and best wishes. Money worries are really tough and a teachers salary is a good one which could make a real difference

I've only read the first and last page but just wanted to add... I retrained as a teacher when my ds was little and worked full time until he started school (he didn't suffer in the slightest but don't want to get into that)

When he started in reception I had had my teaching job for two years and claimed my right to part-time working (you could if they were 6 or under and I think still can though it might have changed)

I work 0.8 so enough to live on and I have afternoon periods off instead of full days Some years I can pick him up 3 times a week but always at least two days. That way he gets to go to a great afterschool club three times a week or play dates and has afternoons off with me on two days. Maybe even if you get a full-time position you could ask your school to consider a part-time 0.8 as if they are in reception or year 1 you have a right to have your proposal considered and unless they have a good reason they can't turn it down. (i think - check with your union)

Hope all goes well and remember if you are convinced of all the positives and that it is going to be the best thing for you all as as a family your ds will find it much easier

Hi LEM, so sorry to hear the GTP didn't work out. Have you looked around for other schools/training providers? Look at your local council website, some of them run their own training...mine was all arranged by them.

Or look at the PGCE. It is slightly less money (around £15k for the GTP) but science is a priority subject at the moment and there are £9k+ bursaries, childcare options etc available...the TDA really need science and maths at the mo. This might be a great option for you, as it will help bolster your subject knowledge confidence too. If they feel it necessary you can do subject enhancement courses which are also paid at the same rate.

Have a look here and see what you can see.

I don't know where you are so I don't know what providers are near you, but there are PGCE providers all over the place. If you are too late for Sept you could look at some voluntary TA work/observations etc to get experience in schools before the interviews start for the 2011 round?

Don't let this knock back set you back, there are always ways and means!