To be upset by my friends comment to DP

[Lucyellensmumma]

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

to anyone telling you what's best for you. Like someone else said are they going to pay your bills? Don't let people get you down and question yourself. Your DD will get used to not being picked up by you.

'Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has them and they are mostly full of shit' Excellent! Lol I'm filing that one away for future use

I cannot understand why some people have so much to say on the subject of others people's family set up and choices.

Surely everyone does the best they can for their own family. No set up is easy for any of us. Most people have had to compromise to some extent, but they do their best and life can be tricky.

What more could anyone ask? If you need or wish to work then do so without a backward glance. If you think it'll work, then it will.

No-one should try and guilt trip anyone. Maybe it's human nature to try and validate what you have chosen to do by criticising someone else's choices. I don't know.

You'll never please everyone. So concentrate on pleasing the most important people in your world.

I'm a sahm. There's flak to be taken no matter who you listen to. So I don't listen to it. Not on here or in rl.

Your friend is unsupportive and critical of you on a sensitive subject you didn't ask for her input on. Some friend I'd give her a wide swerve.

Your friend was out of order, but she is putting her own guilt at going back so early and jealousy that you didn't on you...ignore her and try to see it as that.

As an aside, teaching is/can be quite hardcore and I think you'll be surprised. It isn't something to go into purely because it is convenient...you really have to love it/want to do it. I'm sure other teachers will disgree, but that's just my opinion. Perhaps look at being a TA for a year to see if you enjoy it? I did before I trained and I loved it. I'm going to take a few years out when our little one is born and might well go back as a TA for a few years.

As an aside, is it the GTP you're looking at doing? It's a great programme, pretty intense but a great way to train.

I'm a SAHM too and I also believe that it's best for kids BUT it's not the best thing for a family if the family is suffering from financial hardship. No point being a stressed SAHM because your dd will feel it. If working means a more relaxed family then that would be the best option for your family at this time. If things change for you in the future, then maybe you could reconsider your SAHM/WOHM status then (if you want to).

Good luck to you and just do what suits YOUR family best not others.

oops

thanks heated, i didnt realise you could claim once they started school that will be a big help as we are on tax credits just now and will obviously loose them so the childcare help will be invaluable.

As someone else has said - i am actually not trying to justify my decision, i feel like shit about it actually, but im sick of being terrified every time the door gos and never being able to answer the phone in case it is debt collectors - really , you have NO idea. And no, before anyone says we shouldnt have got into debt, we got into debt because we were living off credit cards when DD born because DP had to take so much time off work when she was born because i had PND. so yep - its all my fault, im a shit mother - but i just have to live with that and do the best i can - my freind knows all this - she has listened to be sobbing about the finances enough to realise that actually i NEED to work now.

Lucy - please don't feel bad - she's clearly just trying to assuage her guilt about her own choices.

I remember when one of the NCT girls from my group made a comment that putting her baby in nursery at 6 months (to return to work) was better than at a year, since they don't get separation anxiety at that age. I started worrying and feeling really bad, as I was taking a year off.

Then I realised there was no point feeling bad about devoting more time to my young baby - and that she was clearly trying to justify and feel better about her own choices (which I can totally understand).

In an ideal world, yes, it would be best to be home for your children all the time (although some may disagree with this) - but for the non-rocket scientists among us - many of us are not in an ideal world, are we?

All the studies support that best mental health for children requires one-to-one care for the first 3 years of life.

You have nothing to feel guilty about - she is now 4, you have done a fantastic job.

After school care, after school clubs have much less impact after the first 3 years.

Good luck with your new job

Just read your most recent post.

Your friend is clearly a thoughtless twonk.

You feel torn because you know, that ideally, you picking her up from school would be the best option - but you have worked out that your finances wont allow you to do that and retain your house... only you know if there is another way to earn more money/reduce your expenses and only you can decide what to do for your family.

Hopefully your friend just said this without thinking (there is nothing wrong with her having an opinion on what she thinks is generally best for children - we all do!) and wasn't 'getting' at you BUT what was your DH thinking when he told you what she said??

OK. Firstly, as others have already said, you can only do what you think is best for your family at a particular point in your lives, taking into account all your options.

You have been a SAHM for 4 years which has given your DD a fabulous start. You have suffered financially to do it, but it was the best decision for you at the time. Now things have changed and you do have to start bringing in a salary to boost the family finances.

Your friend had to work when her lo was very young and no doubt feels guilty about it and jealous that you were at home. Now, she is able to stay at home the majority of the time and in some way in her head is redressing the balance by making that comment to your DP.

Ignore her. You can only do your best which you are doing. Your DD will be absolutely fine.

I have had to do lots of things I don't believe are the very best for my DS. I had to go back to work pt when he was 15 months and of course I would rather that wasn't the case. I've done my best to minimise the impact on him by using family and flexible working hrs to keep his 2 nursery days short. No it's not ideal, but it's the best I can do right now.

Teaching is a fabulous job to be in when you have a family and tbh you will be around much more than if you took a job in another field.

Try to relax and keep things in perspective. You DD will be absolutely OK and so will you.

LEM then friend just sounds jealous tbh. snide comments about things that she can't attain for herself. If she is a good friend in other areas, simply ignore her, if not drop her.

Be assured I'm doing my teacher training next year and I have to dc's who'll be 5 adn 3 when I start and I struggled as to what would be in their best interests and for many different reasons (not just financial) I'm in absolutely no doubt that it would!

i know what you mean about the GTP, i am only hoping i can keep up. I have been here before - i have an older DD, she is 19 and i did my degree when she started school(the memory of my working til the early hours still makes me shuder! but i know i can do that) - i was lucky enough to have both parents then and she was there alot.

Tbh, if there were any way i could stay at home i would, it almost breaks my heart that i will have to leave DD after school but its only a couple of hours isnt it? She'll be ok?? I really need reassurance on this

NOTALONE "Have just checked your profile Kittywise. Your husband works in the stockmarket doesn't he? In that case you probably have no money worries and can afford to stay at homw without worrying you are going to lose it at any moment. Please don't make Lucyellensmumma feel and worse than she already does. As I said before most people don't have the choice. Stop being so sanctimonious."

Are you aware of the recent financial crisis? LOL lol. We have money worries a plenty.

If she wanted support she shouldn't have posted on AIBU she asked "It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think?If you write that then you want an answer surely. I have a different opinion. Doesn't make it any less valid, it's just a different opinion. I think she's doing the wrong thing. She asked for opinions and she's got them.

"kitty, your opinion is more than welcome - but you are implying i am a bad mother for returning to work and yes, i resent that - its not like i actually have a choice. If i dont go back to work, the chances of our losing our house is pretty much 100%"

I never said you were a bad mother, I'm sure you're not. it's just not best for your dd and that's what you asked in your op isn't it?

she'll be absolutely fine, she will. Try to find a childminder well before you start and get to know her, that way you will feel more secure when you do have to start. Also, it would be an excellent idea to get the same childminder as her friend, she'll probably enjoy it more than just coming home.

Seriously, she'll be fine, children are very adaptable.

i asked for opinions on my friends comment to my DP, NOT my decision to go back to work!! or did you just jump on the opportunity to bash working mums? I feel bad about it, you have made me feel soooo much better - have you nearly lost your house? Do you have County court proceedings coming out of your ears? are you two years behind in paying the tax man? Love - you have no idea!

LEM - you said there was another field you could go into but it would mean longer hours - can you not look at a PT job in this field (presuming it pays better) or working evenings? Filling shelves in Sainburys or such like?

Just suggestions....

IF you can't or don't want to, that's up to you, but then you just need to get on with what you have decided and not angst over it (easier said than done I know!!).

LEM, your friend sounds very jealous and resentful perhaps?

I hope you get a place somewhere you love to be. Your dd has had 4 fab years with you at home, she will be fine with a childminder- especially if you can get her to the same ona as her friend.

I just wonder whether you have in the past perhaps pontificated about making big sacrifices to be a SAHM ?

kittywise surely it would be best for op's dd to have a roof over her head? no? However, I do respect your opinion and think if you can be a stahm or wohm or p/time working mom it's a good choice. I also believe that if you can work whilst they're at school, and take them to see the world in their holidays why not?

YANBU very rude of your "friend" to comment and if she felt the need to make that remark should have been made to you and not to your DP.

In some respects I do agree with her sentiment, I work 4 days a week and thought it would get easier as DS gets older, but am finding the opposite, now he is almost 4 he is keenly aware that going to the CMs whilst ok is not as nice as being with me and I do feel guilty about it, however as he will be starting school in the not too distant future I'm trying to grit my teeth and get on with it ( sorry this isn't relevant to you particularly)

Having seen threads from you in the past I think your DP is self employed and if memory serves me correctly there have been issues abour money coming in and stresses accordingly.

On that basis I think you are absolutely right to go back to work as the best option for you and your family. Yes you will get to spend a little less time with your DD, but she will be fine. The suggestion about using a CM where her friend goes is an excellent one.

Also nothing is forever, perhaps once you have completed graduate training, there may be part time options available if you find it is too much. If its any help Id love to have a job with the school holidays off. Oh and before any teachers chip in, yes I know its very hard and you deserve them and no I'm not sure if I could teach a classroom full of children.

Slightly off-topic, sorry You'll enjoy the challenge of the GTP I think LEM, if you want any info/help let me know. When you find a school make sure they are used to GTPs and are aware of what you can and can't do. DON'T let them treat you as just another teacher, when I started I was only given 12 hrs a wk in class which was great, it meant I could get all of my assignments and paperwork done in my frees, leaving evenings free. I had courses most Fridays, so I made sure that my timetable was permanently clear then (which made sense to the school as I wasn't always there anyway) which gave me the odd Friday completely clear to just get on with stuff.

I'm a career changer from a very high-pressure career, and am amazed at how much I have to do etc...but I do love it.

Chipping, im a scientist "by trade" and PT work in the field is pretty much non existent sadly. full time work is pretty few and far between, hence the commute and long hours. shelf stacking just doesn't pay enough and woudlnt work anyway becase DP often works miles away and can sometimes not be home til 10pm - poor sod

Not to my friend no - i have always supported her decisions, even though, in my heart ive not agreed with them. My other friend is returning to work soon, her DS is 8mnths, i dont think its a good thing - but recognise that they have no choice, and would never ever dream of voicing my opinion on it - there are times when things best left unsaid. I know she feels pretty shit about it, so what use is "do you know, i think you should stay at home" going to do her? I just tell her that i think her DS will be fine, which actually in the grand scheme of things, he will.

*kittywise" - I used to be a mortgage broker until I went back to university so am well aware of what is going on in the world of finance. But the fact of the matter is, you can still afford to stay at home whereas if Lucyellensmumma does she could lose that roof over their head. They are barely afloat now. It would not be better for her DD if they lost their home and their security. I just feel that this is a very sensitive subject and your comments were not constructive and akin to kicking someone when they are down.

As I said before Lucyellensmumma - your DD will adapt. Probably a lot quicker than you will! You will have less stress and more money. Your DD will not suffer - going to a cm with her friend will be an adventure for her and great fun. Weekends will be all the more precious and you can afford to treat her more too with some fab family days out. I wish you all the best