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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my friends comment to DP

229 replies

Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 09:56

My DD is four and in reception. I have been a SAHM at great financial cost, but i stand by my decision as the best one for our family.

My friend has worked, albeit p/t and over night hours since her DD was 6 months old, but now only works one day a week.

I have got an interview for a graduate teacher job this week. Anyway, bumped into them on the way to the swings yesterday and DP took DD to swings while i nipped off around the charity shops to try and score some clothes for the interview. Managed to find a blouse but will have to concede and buy new for the rest.

Whilst DP at the park my friend said to him that she "really feels the children need their mums at home after school, even more than when they needed us at home when they were wee"

This has made me feel terrible, but we are broke and in debt, we are managing just but its stressful and alot of pressure on DP. One of the reasons i have chosen teaching is because i will get some of the school holidays with DD (i know i wont get them all) and most nights will be home at a reasonable time. Anything else worhtwhile my doing would mean a long commute and therefore long hours away from home. Teaching fits with my family - i can make it work.

I just feel like maybe i am abandoning my DD, she loves me picking her up from school and i dont like the thought of someone else doing it, but im not sure i have the luxury of staying at home anymore - im constantly stressed so is DP, im sure the extra money will help us be more relaxed as a family.

It has made me question if i am doing the right thing or not, my DD is very homely and is only just begining to settle in school. Should i wait a few years do you think? Im not getting any younger, im 39!

OP posts:
pranma · 21/02/2010 10:47

Op I had to work when my dc were little-I taught pt from when dd was 6mnths till she was in reception when I went fll time.A friend with a ds the same age picked her up and kept her for the hour till I collected her.She was a happy child who did well at school and uni.She is now a 35 yr old mum of 2 gorgeous boys[3 and 1] and is a truly great person.She is also a teacher[.5 atm but was ft up till sept.She says she loved our routine.My dh had MS and we knew his working life was limited.I dont have any regrets at all.You go for it op and dont feel guilty for even a minute.
Good luck for your interview.

Notalone · 21/02/2010 10:47

PS - your friend is very rude and really doesn't have a clue. Does she have children herself? Is your friendship the type where you could talk to her about how her rubbish comments have made you feel? Maybe she was being thoughtless rather than unkind?

GhoulsAreLoud · 21/02/2010 10:48

Oooh no, don't do it, my Mum was a teacher and it screwed me up for life being looked after someone else for a whole 90 minutes every day.

NOT.

Go for it, of course your DD needs you, and she will still have you! Anynone would think from kittywise's post that you were off to work on the oilrigs for months on end or something.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 21/02/2010 10:49

LEM, to be fair you did ask if you should wait a few years.

I agree that being a SAHM is no good if you can't afford to live there and have no money. But whilst you did mainly ask for advice about your friends remarks (not nice BTW, and tailored to her position, I assume to assuage her own guilt at working more when her children were younger - make herself believe that is not what matters) you did also ask about your predicament.

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 10:50

MrsC thanks - i do have a thread about it actually I have an interview this week at a school with an excellent rep for GTP, apparently very supportive and not too much being chucked in at deep end. im prepared for the slog - looking forward to it. ~Of course its by no means a given that i will get a place so this could all be academic - i have a plan B, which fits with DD more during school time, but in the holidays will be a problem - its swings and roundabouts.

rookie, yes, thanks for remembering me - its been very shit actually - although the business is picking up and we are managing, just about to get on our feet, but its tenious and stressfull and we need a regular income.

I know lots of teachers who work P/T and maybe after the initial training this would def be something i would consider.

I never knew parenthood would involve so much guilt!

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 21/02/2010 10:51

Ah ok! I'll have a look.

herbietea · 21/02/2010 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 21/02/2010 10:55

Kittywise - given the circumstances that LEM has outlined, what would you do? Stay at home with your child and lose your home or go to work? You have every right to your own opinion, and to voice it on an AIBU thread, but can you at least acknowledge the extremely difficult circumstances that LEM's family are in, and how she would probably love to have the choice to stay at home, but doesn't - and doesn't deserve condemnation for that.

LEM - you sound like a lovely and caring person, and it is clear to me that you are doing your best for your family under very trying circumstances - and you will carry on doing your best. I am sure you are going to do all you can to make this transition a good and positive one for your dd. Your friend is being remarkably tactless (especially as I assume she knows your family circumstances).

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 21/02/2010 11:00

You know that saying that you should never discuss politics or religion with friends? Working or not working while you have children should also be added to that imo. Your friend had no right to express an opinion to your DP - simple as that. I know how it feels though, as my sister and one of my close friends are fervently anti-childcare - but friends husband ends a shedload and she has her mother on hand to allow her to go off and do art classes/gym etc, and my sister and BIL are able to both work p/t which means they have no need for childcare.

As long as you are happy with the childcare, and it works for your family, then go for it.

TulipsInTheRain · 21/02/2010 11:07

my mother was a SAHM all my childhood and it was awful.

I wished to god she'd go out and work, hated her having nothing better to do than involve herself in every second of my life... i had no privacy, no peace... she was over protective and nosy and my friends hated coming to my house

based on my experiances as a child i firmly believe that while a SAHM is great (if possible) when the child is younger once they're at school it's in everyones best interests that i go back to work.

To that end i'm studying now so that when my youngest starts school i can go back to work.

mummygirl · 21/02/2010 11:13

"children do need their mothers at home".

It sounds like something out of a period drama, possibly followed by "it's not your place to question your husband where he spent the night, just focus on your children and your chutney".

OP, we have to adapt to the way life comes, especially once children arrive. You did what you considered best when you had your DD, and you're doing the same now. So is your friend trying to do her bst by her family. Offering mean opinions about how her way is better than yours is smug, unsupportive and, frankly, ignorant.

You could argue back that mothers who go to work 6 months after birth never really bond with their children (which is rubbish too, but as a come back in case she ever challenges you again).

Good luck with your interview x

scottishmummy · 21/02/2010 11:30

LEM good luck with interview.children need love and affirmation and contrary to popular opinion working mums can fulfil this too

dont let some off the cuff comment in a park determine your life choices

getting a short list in such competitive times is really well done.you need to be chuffed.you have a PhD dont you?

now you need to grow a thicker skin and equip with a cheeky quip,she wont be first to comment and wont be the last.so get used to it and toughen up. you dont need to justify your choices to acquaintances

hell i work ft,and with the precious moments mamas comments it is in one ear out the other. i love working it fulfils me and hey i reckon im a good enough mum

Alambil · 21/02/2010 12:08

what's the point being stuck at home, stressing about money and debt whilst dd is out of the house 6 hours a day, plus any extra curricular activities?

Going on that idea, you'll only be out the house a few hours extra than her anyway, so she's not "missing out" on you really....

FleurDelacour · 21/02/2010 12:10

LEM please ignore such outdated views as have been expressed by Kitty and others. Do what you think best for your family.

Look too at the overall benefit to society of you helping lots of children to learn and succeed. Your LO will be just fine and will be very proud of you.

janeite · 21/02/2010 12:14

What size are you LucyEllensmum? Maybe we could help with interview clothes?

Ignore stupid comments from people who still think mothers should be stuck at home, whether they like it or not. They will get back in their time machines and disappear back to the 1950s - just cover your ears and say 'la la la' if they start again.

Good luck with the GTP. Teaching is a great job (despite my recent moans!) and a fulfilled mother, with money to spend, will be much better for your dd than a broke one waiting at the school gates whilst trying to work out how much money she's got for food that week.

coppertop · 21/02/2010 12:17

She doesn't sound like much of a friend at all tbh. She sounds like one of those people who try to make themselves feel superior by putting everyone else down.

Best of luck with the interview, LEM.

kittywise · 21/02/2010 12:28

"LEM please ignore such outdated views as have been expressed by Kitty and others. Do what you think best for your family".

Well if being there to pick my kids up from school, to be there for every assembly, play etc is outdated then long live outdated.

You can't have it all. You just can't.

bobbysmum07 · 21/02/2010 12:30

Of course you should get a job. Your kid's at school all day, why on earth wouldn't you?

PPeople like this Kittywise leave me shaking my head in bewilderment. I mean, really, what do they do all day?

Original poster
Lucyellensmumma · 21/02/2010 12:31

aww thanks janeite - how lovely. We are just off to get some bits today - i might even get new shoes!! new shoes!! unheard of usually

i'll miss picking DD up, probably more than she will miss me doing it - but its worth it i think.

OP posts:
janeite · 21/02/2010 12:32

Kitty - if you are lucky enough to have a husband who earns enough that you don't have to work and if you are happy enough to not work, that's fine - for you. But please don't judge others because that is the choice that you have made; it is not the right choice for everybody, for many reasons.

janeite · 21/02/2010 12:33

LEM - honestly, let us know if we can help. I am a size 12, if any use.

Lulumama · 21/02/2010 12:36

you can't have it all, that is true, but you do need a roof over your head, and that is more important than being at every assembly and play

the trauma to LEMs dd and herself of losing their home will be far worse than that of LEM missing a school play

kittywise · 21/02/2010 12:36

janeite, the OP asked for opinions. She ASKED if thiswas the right thing to do. I gave my opinion that it wasn't. She didn't like my opinion, fair enough, but she asked for opinions none the less.

This isn't a thread saying "This is what I'm going to do please support me" I wouldn't have posted on that.
Perhaps the OP shouldn't have posted in this section, it is AIBU after all.

kinnies · 21/02/2010 12:50

Yes Kitty,
but what would you do in the op's situation?

Would you make sure you had a roof over your heads or pick your Dc up from school?

It seems a no brainer to me.

JaneS · 21/02/2010 12:53

Just to put a different point to kitty, yes, you can say that children need their mothers at home. But they also need to grow up in families where their mothers feel happy and confident and good about themselves. My mum didn't get a job until we were in our teens and it was very bad for her. She still has extremely low self esteem and the phrase 'I've done nothing with my life' comes up repeatedly.

LEM, your daughter will be fine, and later on she will never have to feel guilty that she stopped mummy from getting on with her life, which is a huge thing you're giving her.