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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dump someone because he couldnt get it up?

217 replies

bohbohboh · 06/02/2010 14:09

It wasn't a problem which cropped up after a long relationship together it was a problem from day one. He said it was nerves but after the 9th time trying I began to get frustrated and rather annoyed!!

I couldnt take anymore after he asked me to try being on top and it was literally like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube and completely creeped me out.

I have name changed for this

OP posts:
pigletmania · 06/02/2010 18:58

Lovechoc listen you are misunderstanding me totally, i have been in that siutation whereby penetration is really difficult that the mnore me and my dh tried to do it the more stressed we would become and we would loose the moment. It was better to take a break do foreplay and enjoy that and come back to sex another time when we are more relaxed.

RockbirdandHerSpork · 06/02/2010 18:58

UQD thank you. You said exactly what I was trying and failing to say.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 18:58

No wonder there are so many threads on here from people stuck in relationships that make them so unhappy - with kids, too, usually.

There seem to be a lot of people who think you need to put up with anything and everything and that dumping someone for anything other than smacking you around makes you a terrible human being.

I'd been dumped for all kinds of reasons (although never for bad sex ) - tits too droopy, lost my job, couldn't get the right visa, back acne, etc.

Meh.

So what? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly want to be with me, anyhow.

EVERYONE has dealbreakers.

That doesn't make them bad people.

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 18:59

Trying to have sex 9 times in one night would make me stressed and my fanjo size up and dh not get it up.

lovechoc · 06/02/2010 19:00

ah ok, got you now piglet ;)

I thought you meant 9 times over a space of a few months or so. trying to do it 9 times at one session would stress anyone out!

expatinscotland · 06/02/2010 19:00

Gawd, sounds like such hard work!

At the beginning, a lot of people just like a lot of sex, not talking and problems and obstacles like this.

It doesn't make someone a bad, inpatient, ununderstanding person if they find it a deal breaker.

FrostyTheSnowgirl · 06/02/2010 19:03

the op never actually said it was 9 times at once did she?

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 19:03

No you should not be stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy but whats wrong with trying to work though problems first then if nothing can be salvaged split. I guess i am a bit old fashioned in my thinking by saying its all too easy to walk way at any little problem without working through it first to see if you can make another go, than if not fair enough

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 19:03

did they try 9 times in one night??? ..doesn't sound like it!

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 19:04

My fanjo would be falling off trying to have sex 9 times in a night , after one stressful session (me thats got the problem) i did develop bruising and a water infection

lovechoc · 06/02/2010 19:05

"Gawd, sounds like such hard work!"

Only if you view it like that. If you think someone is worth investing time in and things work out, it can be to your advantage/benefit in the long run. This is what happened in my situation.

Good things always come to those who wait, as the saying goes...

ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 19:05

Where has the OP said it was 9 times in one night?

Reads to me as 9 times over the course of them dating, starting a month into the relationship.

BillyBlunt · 06/02/2010 19:06

i stuck with a man i adored for 4 years trying to solve his sexual problems
they were insoluble
i still suffer with self esteem sexually as it was so horrendous
it broke my heart to leave him but i couldn't live that way any more

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 19:07

Actually i dont know, i thought it was. If she did have sex 9 seperate times though at least she tried and mabey the boyfriend is not sexually compatible with her.

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 19:09

this is not a marriage ..or even a long term relationship..she hasn't actually had sex with the man yet..working through problems?? I bet they dont even know each others shoe size yet!

electra · 06/02/2010 19:09

I haven't read the whole thread but a few things occur to me.

I have had this happen to me and it's so often psychological - in that situation you just need to do stuff together but not plan to have sex.

You need to establish with him if this is a physical problem he has. If it is, he needs to go to the GP. If he isn't bothered about having sex then I don't blame you for wanting to end it. In the early days of a relationship it really puts the dampener on things if you can't have sex.

If it is the pressure (ie psychological) maybe get him to use his fingers and seeing you get turned on might do the trick. I have a high sex drive and tend not to be compatible with men who don't, so if you are sexually incompatible that is not your fault...

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 19:10

Oh billy thats , thats why nobody would blame the op if she did let this relationship go as sex is important to her. lovechoc it is, and it bloody hurt trying for dd, but since having dd i am finding it easier now ttc for dc2

lovechoc · 06/02/2010 19:14

if it's in the early stages and the OP doesn't see any real reason to stick around then fair enough she should just move on and date someone else.

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 19:35

no only 1 month not long at all

CardyMow · 07/02/2010 00:27

My DP has occasional 'difficulties' due to his depression, and I deal with them sensitively, and we find other ways of being intimate until he feels less pressured. BUT we have been together on and off for 11 years. If it had happened right at the start of the relationship before the deep feelings I have for him now had developed, I'd have run for the hills. OP, YANBU, it's not YOUR responsibility to sort out or even try to help sort out in such a new 'venture'.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2010 00:31

well posted, LL

ThatVikRinA22 · 07/02/2010 00:38

i had experience of this - if you think the relationship is worth salvaging id suggest going to see a GP who could first check there are no physical causes.

after that they can refer for sexual therapy.
it worked for me. im now very satisfied!

kinnies · 07/02/2010 00:57

Dont stay with him because you feel sorry for him!
I once wasted 3mths of my life for that reason. Not worth it if he's nothing special. If he was then you wouldnt be asking.

Ziggurat · 07/02/2010 08:25

Ah - the penny has dropped - I guess if people are thinking they tried 9 times in one night, as opposed to 9 times over the course of dating, it puts quite a different spin on things!

I assumed they tried 9 times over the course of dating, which is a damn good crack of the whip in anyone's book, surely. And as a result she is totally not being unreasonable to want to throw in the towel.

Anyway - the OP hasn't been back to this thread in pages, so we're all just debating amongst ourselves at this point!

expatinscotland · 07/02/2010 08:29

Now, I have been with men who were too drunk about to get it up and keep it up. But at the time, it didn't matter too much to me because I was paralytic, too .

Usually we'd pass out for a few hours, get up, have a shower and something to eat and he'd be right as rain.