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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dump someone because he couldnt get it up?

217 replies

bohbohboh · 06/02/2010 14:09

It wasn't a problem which cropped up after a long relationship together it was a problem from day one. He said it was nerves but after the 9th time trying I began to get frustrated and rather annoyed!!

I couldnt take anymore after he asked me to try being on top and it was literally like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube and completely creeped me out.

I have name changed for this

OP posts:
Kaloki · 06/02/2010 16:43

"He's had ample opportunity to bring it up (excuse the pun) himself but he doesnt"

You can as well though, there are 2 people in a conversation. I can't imagine it's his favourite subject to talk about. But still you are right to leave as the relationship obviously isn't right for you or him.

foxinsocks · 06/02/2010 16:45

I still don't get why you posted. Were you hoping everyone would come along and say 'well done you?'.

obviously, if someone isn't right for you (whatever measure you determine as not being right), it's fair enough to not want to see them any more. Your op did come across as insensitive but you've got the answers you wanted no doubt.

Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 16:47

yes well im not as forward as that, i do not want to upset him or hurt his feelings and he would be embarrassed if i mentioned it. I did just hope it would go away but it obviously hasnt.

I dont think im being childish or selfish though, as other posters have said - why should I be obligated to help, just because I have tried to have sex with him

OP posts:
Original poster
BohBohBoh · 06/02/2010 16:49

why does anyone post on mumsnet...........???!!

OP posts:
Ziggurat · 06/02/2010 16:49

What a joke some of these responses are...!

'Loving human being??!!??!!'

For God's sake, you can't take on every single person you encounter as a 'project' and work with them to rectify their faults! Who on earth can be arsed to do that?

The OP and said bloke are simply incompatible - it's not the worst crime in the world.

She's given him 9 goes, and his response is, 'oh yes, I should probably sort myself out'?? Er, no shit, Sherlock.

Why is it her problem? Why hasn't he done anything about it up until now at the age of 39? It's a brand new, non-relationship, not a marriage where the problem has developed over time.

The OP is not being U, but loads of posters to this threadare. Cut and run. I bloody well would.

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 16:51

Was it otherwise a good relationship? Were there other things going for him? Perhaps you could have come up with some solutions, or at least offered some support for the poor bastard. But at least this way he will know you didn't want a relationships, only a warm-blooded dildo

bearcrumble · 06/02/2010 16:51

Boh, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'm really quite surprised at the vitriol coming from some of the posters here.

I started seeing someone who was quite sweet once many years ago and he had a problem with premature ejectulation (VERY premature - like as soon as he touched me). I tried being sympathetic and brushing it off as an abberation a few times (less than 9!) but when it became obvious to me that this was the norm for him I stopped seeing him.

If it's a new relationship you don't owe the man. It's not like you've invested time and emotional energy for years and your partner has suddenly changed sexually - then there would be a reason to go to counselling/therapy together and try to work it out.

No, my advice would be to cut your losses. It is his problem and sex is important - and it is especially important (and should be especially fun) at the beginning of a relationship.

foxinsocks · 06/02/2010 16:53

yeah but why bring it up and then decide you don't like what some posters are saying? if you post in AIBU, you are going to get differing opinions. If you were looking for everyone to say 'you were entirely right' then you shouldn't have posted!

as I said, you've done the deed already - nobody's opinion will make any difference to the situation hence I can't see why you bothered to ask about it tbh

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 06/02/2010 16:59

'she owes him no loyalty and does not need to put herself in some sort of position as his sexual saviour...'

Absolutely. I wouldn't continue in a relationship that was so young and already such hard work.

First months of new relationship mean lots of shagging and constant cystitis ime, emotional struggles and having to 'support' someone should be way over the horizon.

tethersend · 06/02/2010 17:00

Orm, she just wants a relationship which includes sex (and, if she's lucky, 'warm blooded dildos').

Is that wrong?

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:00

Well AF as I said she should let this one go as he is not for her thats fine, he can find someone who is right for him and will support him. But expat we would be more sympathetic towards her, but we dont seem very sympathetic to the bloke mentioned in the op. Ok he is 39 mabey not very experienced quite nervous and needs someone to put him at ease and make him feel relaxed. Mabey trying that many times made the siutation a whole lot worse, if it was difficult the first time than try something else like forepay, sex is not the only thing, and just getting to know each other more and being comfortable around each other first before doing it again. Yes mabey he should seek help as well, but stress can be a major factor in the guy not getting it up. If you are happy to have sex but not talk about it and issues about it than its a bit imo. Even after a month with my dh thn boyfriend we were so comfortable taking about every subject under the sun, and yes sex too and how we felt, mabey the op and her boyfriend are not right for each other if she cannot talk comfortably with him after a month.

tethersend · 06/02/2010 17:04

"If you are happy to have sex but not talk about it and issues about it than its a bit imo."

piglet, I have been happy to have sex and not talk- at all. No conversation. Didn't even know his name.

Am I ?

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 17:04

Of course she does, but if a relationship is worth anything at all, it's more than just sex. And the sex might improve when the rest of the relationship develops.

If she wants to end it now, that's fine, but it suggests to me that there was something else missing, or it would be worth persevering.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 06/02/2010 17:06

I am wincing a bit at some of the nasty unsympathetic terms used here, but no, I don't think you should continue to go out with him

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 17:06
ImSoNotTelling · 06/02/2010 17:07

No-one has responded to the comparisons I raised:

What if someone was painfully shy and flatly refused to meet or talk to your friends or family, and when out would stand in the corner staring at the floor looking deeply uncomfortable?

What if a man was terrible with money and had run up debts, and didn't seem bothered about it, simply vaugely saying "oh yes maybe I should do something about that"?

Would everyone be saying "yes you should definitely stick with it, some hard work and the love of a good woman will sort that out, if you don't want to go out with him you are cleraly selfish and shallow".

Or would you say, woah this is a big problem, it might not be possible to solve the problem, if you want to proceed do so with caution but I wouldn't balme you for ending it...?

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 17:07

Or it isn't a relationship.

bearcrumble · 06/02/2010 17:08

What a load of bollocks, honestly.

She didn't say she ONLY wanted sex. She wants to have a nice relationship that includes having sex. And yes there is something missing - a nice hard cock. Jesus.

Ziggurat · 06/02/2010 17:08

"If she wants to end it now, that's fine, but it suggests to me that there was something else missing, or it would be worth persevering."

Well, yeah - that's kind of stating the obvious...

Of course if the OP was really into him, felt that falling in love with him might be possible, etc, etc, then surely she'd persevere.

But she shouldn't have to persevere just on the off chance, should she?? Especially if she really isn't feeling it.

Crikey - I don't understand how some of you think!! You have proper relationships with people you connect with, and love being with. Or otherwise you're just settling.

tethersend · 06/02/2010 17:08

Mumcentreplus... was that a passionate or exasperated sigh?

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 17:09

Ok bearcrumble

Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 17:09
tethersend · 06/02/2010 17:10

ImSo, I agree completely- they are marvelous comparisons.

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 17:11

Well exactly ziggurat. If she doesn't like him enough to carry on despite the limp issue, then she should end it. But if she doesn't, it isn't just the lack of a 'good hard cock' that is causing the problem.

pigletmania · 06/02/2010 17:11

My dh and I had tried sex early on in the relationship i had problem with my fanjo closing up, but even though it was early in the relationship my then boyfriend now dh was kind patient and supportive therfore i felt much more comfortable and relaxed and not needing to see the GP, our dd is testimony and sex is not difficult anymore.

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